Last week I went 6-10, which brings my overall record to
17-28-3. Look, I’m basically the Lions of this shit, okay? The good thing is
that I know people only read this shit for entertainment purposes, like waiting
outside the ape exhibit at the zoo to see him jack off and throw his shit
around. They’re not expecting the ape to suddenly do calculus on the walls
while weeping and reciting poetry. If I fling enough of that shit and spunk
around, though, sometimes it accidentally lands in a way that looks like an
intelligent thought so, uh, keep reading and also, if you do bet based off this
and somehow win big, you owe me a commission, but since the only people who would
do that would just end up spending it on cough syrup and sex toys anyway, I
suppose that is a moot point. Send me some cough syrup and a dildo and we’ll
call it good. Jesus. Anyway, let’s just do this, and as always, these lines
come courtesy of the VegasInsider.com consensus.
Minnesota (+7) at the
L.A. Rams
Man, you can’t get whipped on by the fucking Bills of all
teams and expect people to take you seriously. That is what you get when you ride
with a known asshole like Kirk Cousins, though. I mean, any dude who willingly
adopts a nickname like “Captain Kirk” is going to be a corny asshole no one can
believe in. Fuck him.
Pick: Rams
Miami (+7) at New England
Vegas still believes in the Patriots and not the Dolphins
even though the Dolphins are 3-0. They’re also 3-0 against the spread, so take
that as you will. The only thing left for the Patriots at this point seems to
be Tom Brady fiddling while Boston burns, but you also don’t want to fuck with
a desperate sociopath. It was kinda surprising, though, just how impotent Brady
and Belichick looked against the Lions. No dynasty ever ends in quiet dignity,
with everyone going out winners. They all end in hopeless decay and then death,
vulture people picking the bones. We are just animals, cruel and vicious, and
no one’s gonna help these dudes. But dying dynasties usually also thrash around
a bit before the end, kill a bunch of people to show they can still get their
dicks hard, and it’s all so pathetic, but it is also the world we live in.
Pick: New England
Houston (+1.5) at
Indianapolis
JJ Watt finally woke up last week, but the Texans still
lost, so fuck it, I guess. Once you start out 0-3, you’re pretty much done. By
the way, my aunt lives near Houston and got caught up in that Hurricane shit
and my dad said no one could get ahold of her for like a week. They finally
did, and she had been at work the whole time, at Home Depot because she’s maybe
not as gentrified as your family, and said her phone had been dead that whole
time. She never bothered to reach out or anything because that’s just how some
families are, especially my dad’s, and anyway, she was fine, she just had a
little flooding, and also, I’ve only met her once in my life, at my grandpa’s
funeral, and she was all “Do you know who I am?” and I was all “Uhhhh, not
really . . .” trying to play it off the best I could, and she was all “I’m your
aunt Connie” and I was all “Word?” and she was all “Word” but of course we didn’t
actually say that because we’re just dumb white folk and instead just sort of
stood there doing the fake smile head nod thing for a few seconds and that was
the only time I have ever spoken to my Aunt Connie.
Pick: Indianapolis
Cincinnati (+5) at
Atlanta
Atlanta is kind of an underrated sad story as far as sports
cities go, isn’t it? I mean, the only title they’ve ever won is the Braves in ’95
and that was the year everyone was coming back from the strike and no one
really gave a fuck about baseball. The Hawks have never done shit, their hockey
team stayed for like a day and then realized they were in fucking Atlanta and
went to Winnipeg, and then there’s the Falcons and you’ve already got “28 – 3”
running through your head because of course you do, and so do they. That’s a
hard psychic thing to overcome, both on its own and in the larger context of
Atlanta sports. Even their greatest hero, Hank Aaron, belongs more to another
city than to them. He’s Milwaukee’s because that’s where the Braves played for
much of his career. This is all very sad, but still, the Bengals aren’t gonna
win this game.
Pick: Atlanta
Buffalo (+10) at
Green Bay
Buffalo already shot their shot last week and aren’t gonna
get a chance to take anyone by surprise again. Every team they play will be
ready to not get Vikinged, which sucks for the Bills, but fuck it, at least
they have last week. The Packers aren’t really that good this year. They’re
sort of like the Patriots and the Seahawks in that they’ve just let everything
degrade but quarterback and the result is a sort of confused sense of self. You
can’t move on because you still have Aaron Rodgers, but you can’t really be the
team everyone expects either because you’ve got nothing but bullshit everywhere
else. I talked about all this over and over again in the season preview, and
fuck, at least I got something right.
Pick: Green Bay
New York Jets (+7.5)
at Jacksonville
Everyone was ready to crown the Jags after they whipped up
on the Patriots, but then the Patriots got stomped by the fucking Lions and
Jacksonville lost a shitfest field goal game to Tennessee, so . . . yeah.
Meanwhile, the Jets are 1-2 since putting a ball gag in Matt Patricia’s mouth
(he ate it, of course) and hey, that’s life in the big city, I guess. Like I
said before, never trust a team from a city responsible for Fred Durst. On the
other hand, you can’t trust a team whose best quarterback is still a thousand
year old sex pest roaming the sidelines drunk looking for sideline reporters to
molest.
Pick: Jacksonville
Tampa Bay (+3) at
Chicago
I like Ryan Fitzpatrick. He sort of has a permanent
hang-over fat-stage decadent Jim Morrison vibe that is vaguely Kenny
Stablerish, and as you all know I am sure, Ken Stabler is my favorite player of
all time even though I never actually saw him play a game. I used to read his
autobiography every summer. The cover was an upside-down Raiders helmet with
crushed up beer cans in it. Highly recommended if you can find it. Of course,
Fitzpatrick isn’t Kenny Stabler. He’s a Harvard grad, which somehow makes the whole
thing even seedier in a weird way. Like what the fuck is this dude doing
destroying himself in the NFL? Anyway, of course he threw a bunch of
interceptions last week and Tampa is gonna go back to Jameis Winston because
the NFL is bullshit and so is the world we live in.
Pick: Chicago
Philadelphia (-4) at
Tennessee
Is Tennessee the most boring team in the league? I never
know anything interesting to say about them. The Eagles haven’t really looked
that great so far, and I can see this being a boring defensive struggle, like
maybe a field-goal kind of game. And since 3 is less than 4, I suppose I have to
pick the Titans. On the other hand, that doesn’t feel right and I don’t want to
do it. This is the kind of expertise you come to me for.
Pick: Philadelphia
Seattle (-3) at
Arizona
Seattle is done as far as being a contender goes. They still
have enough dudes on that defense to kick some shit teams around though and the
Cardinals are most certainly a shit team. It’s kind of crazy how purposeless
the Seahawks are, though, isn’t it? Like I said about the Packers, they can’t
really move on because of Russell Wilson, but you have dudes like Earl Thomas
playing but basically not showing up for work the rest of the week, and Pete
Carroll has no choice but to be all “O… okay, c… cool, sir” because he’s been
cucked by his own team. That’s never a good situation, but Pete Carroll has
never exactly been a taskmaster sort so fuck it, maybe it can work. Probably
not, though.
Pick: Seattle
Cleveland (+3) at
Oakland
lol WAR BROWNS. The Browns should probably be 3-0 which is
weird as fuck to say, but of course they are only 1-1-1 because they are still
the Browns and these things take time and these demons take multiple
exorcisings, sort of like when you go to the dentist and he makes you come back
for three follow-up appointments instead of just doing everything all at once.
It’s a fuckin’ racket, man. The Industrial-Priest complex is gonna make its
exorcism money whether you like it or not. Also, fuck Jon Gruden.
Pick: Cleveland
San Francisco (+10.5)
at L.A. Chargers
Jimmy Garropolo’s knee died and with it any chance the 49ers
had for hope. This is a lost season for them, which makes it the 4th
straight since Jim Harbaugh left. This is really just a bad break for them, but
let’s face it, Garropolo was turning out to be fool’s gold anyway. I wouldn’t
be surprised if Tom Brady hired some Haitians or some shit to black magic his
ass. That would be hilariously petty, but Tom Brady is a sociopath and would
absolutely do something like that. Gisele is probably all “Not in the house,
Tom!” and her Haitian maid who she thinks is from Mexico because she’s not a “full
negro” as Gisele tells her friends in between cocaine enemas thinks “fuck this
Nazi bitch” and retreats to her closet where Gisele makes her sleep and she
starts slapping around the Brady family voodoo doll because what goes around
comes around. Anyway, don’t fuck with Haitians.
Pick: Chargers
New Orleans (-3.5) at
Giants
I can’t remember if I told you this before or not, but I’m
apparently descended from Jean-Baptiste Le Moyne de Bienville on my mom’s side
and he’s the dude who founded New Orleans, so it’s technically my city. It
belongs to me. And let’s face it, that is the most appropriate damn thing, is
it not? On the other hand, it probably helps to explain why shit never seems to
go the way the people of New Orleans hope. I’m sorry dudes and lady dudes. Of
course, this is all probably bullshit family lore, like most family lore, but I
like to think it’s true and that’s all that really matters. Anyway, I demand
that Drew Brees leave my city immediately under pain of vampires.
Pick: Giants
Baltimore (+3) at
Pittsburgh
I support anyone’s right to say fuck the bosses and try to
wring as much blood money out of them as possible, but I also have personal
grudges against Le’Veon Bell so fuck him. It’s also kind of nuts for a running
back to throw away one of his prime years when they only get like 3 these days
before their brains turn to pudding and they become 90 year old men and start
choking their families out and hanging themselves from weight machines, but
fuck it, that’s also why they need to get as much as they can while they can.
It’s a complicated issue, but again, fuck Le’Veon Bell. Politics and beliefs
are one thing, petty blood feuds another.
Pick: Baltimore
Kansas City (-5) at
Denver
I was gonna say that at least I was right about Patrick
Mahomes and the Chiefs but I forgot I didn’t even pick them to win the AFC West
in the preview, so fuck me, I guess. Anyway, they are straight killing fools,
but lost in all that is that their defense has been kind of shitty. No one
cares about that, though. They just want to see deep bombs because we’re all
just dumb brutes deep down who want to see big explosions and hear loud noises
go boom while we fondle ourselves. I would say that this feels like Kansas City’s
season, but it’s never Kansas City’s season. On the other hand, my grandma
lives near Kansas City now and she doesn’t have much time left. The last time I
saw her she asked me if I had been going to church and I said “sometimes”
because I’m a coward and also because why not just let her believe I am good
and not a hell-bound degenerate? Anyway, it would be nice if Kansas City would
win for her, but wait, she’s not even a football fan. She’s a baseball fan. I
don’t know what I’m even gibbering about. None of this matters. I’m sorry.
Pick: Kansas City
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