Gambling With Sanity, Week 2

So, Week 1 was not exactly a success (he said, while clutching his rosary in one hand and twirling a pistol in the other), and I don’t just mean for the Lions. My first foray into the world of illegal and immoral sports betting (the only illegal or immoral thing I have ever been involved in, I assure you) saw me go 5-9-2, which is actually better than I thought I did. One of the “2”, though, is simply because I didn’t pick anyone in the Tennessee/Miami game because I didn’t give a fuck and picked no one. But fuck it, on we press, I guess, and let’s face it, no one is reading this because everyone just jumped straight to the picks, so I feel it’s safe to say here in this space that 9/11 was an inside job and also the Illuminati killed Michael Jackson because he was their front-man for a global child exploitation ring, only he was too sloppy about it and also I sometimes like to put a finger up my asshole when I’m jerking off and also all of these lines come courtesy of the VegasInsider.com consensus.

Baltimore (Pk) at Cincinnati

So this is a pick ‘em, which seems kind of weird given that Baltimore annihilated the Bills and the Bengals are still coached by the moldering corpse of Marvin Lewis, but then again it was just the Bills and the Bengals did beat the Colts so fuck it, I guess. I still think the Ravens should win but I also missed on both these teams last week, so why the fuck would you listen to me? This is a terrible way to start this thing. I admit it. But these are strange and terrible times, especially for Lions fans, and these things happen. Trust in the Lord, and look after your own souls.

Pick: Baltimore

Indianapolis (+6) at Washington

The Colts lost to Marvin Lewis at home, so clearly they cannot be trusted. But neither can the Redskins (lol once you realize how awful that name is, it just gets more appalling and ridiculous every time, but fuck it, “awful and ridiculous” is pretty much my brand) who have run off a bunch of good fans simply by being themselves over the years. And yet, I cannot pick a team that lost to Marvin Lewis at home in the Year of Our Lord 2018. That was a dude who fucking quit and then came back anyway and everyone just sort of shrugged. How the fuck are you gonna be coached by a dude like that? Wait, this isn’t the Bengals game preview. What was I talking about? Where am I?

Pick: Washington

Carolina (+6) at Atlanta

This line feels weird. I mean, Matt Ryan looked like shit against the Eagles while Carolina smothered the Cowboys in their sleep. I guess nobody trusts Cam Newton, and is that a race thing or is he just an untrustworthy kind of dude? I don’t know. The world is complicated and these things are hard to figure out, even for life scientists like me. He’s kind of an asshole, admittedly, but he’s that sort of asshole black dudes are never allowed to be, which kind of sucks, but welcome to America, y’all.

Pick: Carolina

Minnesota (Pk) at Green Bay

Another pick ‘em, which feels like a lazy copout by Vegas, but then again, I’m the dude who straight-up refused to pick a game last week because I didn’t care so lol fair play, I guess. Anyway, Aaron Rodgers already used up all his devil deal points last week, at least for the early part of the season. I’m sure he’ll sell some orphans to Satan in the next couple of weeks, but every organization needs time to deal with logistics and you can’t expect his to simply have that shit worked out already. Gathering up orphans takes time. Or so I’ve heard.

Pick: Minnesota

L.A. Chargers (-7.5) at Buffalo

If the Bills have any pride at all, they’ll at least keep this one close. Plus, the Chargers are the Chargers and I’m glad I remembered that last week. They are sort of the mirror of the Lions, I think, only without the disgusting history. Philip Rivers is who he is and so the Chargers are who they are and that can’t be changed. It’s an immutable law of nature. And yet, the Bills were humiliated even worse than the Lions last week, so I don’t know, dudes and lady dudes. My instinct is to go with the Bills and pride, but then again these dudes are all soft millionaires who probably just want to go home to their wives with their literally fake asses and toss dollar bills at them because they are just trophies to them and this is all very dark, but so is the world.

Pick: Chargers

Houston at Tennessee

As you can see, this game has no line. I didn’t just forget, although I wouldn’t blame you if you assumed I just let it slip by in an opioid haze. But no, there’s no line. That’s because no one knows if Marcus Mariota will play yet. I’m not sure if it matters if he does. I think Houston is probably better regardless, but again, what the fuck do I know? You. Should. Not. Ever. Listen. To. Me. Except for when you should. It’s very complicated.

Pick: Houston, I guess

Kansas City (+4) at Pittsburgh

This is another line that feels weird to me. I’m all in on the Chiefs (Chiefs fans everywhere wail in agony at the news.) Patrick Mahomes has a fucking arm, boy, and apparently he knows how to use it, which was really the only question for the Chiefs going into this season. And Tyreek Hill might be my favorite non-Lion, non-Michigan dude, in the NFL right now. That dude is fucking ridiculous. Meanwhile, the Steelers couldn’t even beat the Browns – the fucking Browns! – last week, and who even knows what that idiot Le’Veon Bell is doing. Naturally, this is the point where the Steelers win 41-10 or some shit, but fuck it and fuck you!!! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Maybe I did. I don’t know.

Pick: Kansas City

Miami (+3) at New York Jets

Look, we all know the Jets are getting overinflated here because of the Lions game. The thing is, is that game had very little to do with the Jets. It was all about the Lions setting themselves on fire like Buddhist monks only without the gravitas involved. Actually, it was more like fratboys accidentally setting their house and themselves on fire after someone tried to spray Everclear into the path of a giant fart. The Lions would have lost to a shitty high school team last week. They would have lost to you and your boys playing two-hand touch in the backyard only it gets too rough and you start tackling and pretty soon people are crying but it’s only because of the adrenaline and how much they love you, bro, it isn’t because they’re pussies or anything. The Lions would have lost to the 2008 Lions. The fucking Jets were just there.

Pick: Miami

Philadelphia (-3) at Tampa Bay

Tampa Bay was probably the surprise team of Week 1. They went into New Orleans without Jameis Winston, and Ryan Fitzpatrick of all people wrecked the New Orleans defense like they were a failed levee system. Yes, I’m still making levee jokes in 2018. Fuck off. But really, I think what happened is that the Saints just have one of those shit defenses again, the kind that pops up every other year since Drew Brees has been there. It sucks to be them, but it was really more about that than the Bucs, I think. Winston is still out and the Eagles defense is, uh, not the Saints defense.

Pick: Philadelphia

Cleveland (+8.5) at New Orleans

These two lines kinda tell me that Vegas just thinks the Bucs were actually good and that the Saints just ran into a buzzsaw, but I don’t know, dudes and lady dudes. My theory, and I’m still trying to work out the details here, is that New Orleans somehow offended The Great Willie Young and his boy Heinie, and without their protection they were left in the hands of low-character scum like Drew Brees. Did you know he’s a huge torture advocate? You did? Oh, okay, good. Anyway, the Browns tied the Steelers last week, but that also means they’re probably up their own asses right now, congratulating themselves and taking the week off to fuck those literal fake-ass wives and assorted thots. Baker Mayfield is probably doing lines off some strippers’ titties as we speak, which is good for him, but maybe bad for the team when Tyrod Taylor is found floating facedown in the Mississippi or whatever. Then again, maybe Baker Mayfield would just be a modern day Ken Stabler, but probably not. I forgot that this is a team whose scandals involve boring shit like insider trading. Ignore everything I just wrote.

Pick: New Orleans

Arizona (+12.5) at L.A. Rams

lol poor Arizona. Then again, fuck them. I’m not even sure if they celebrate Martin Luther King day yet. Arizona is a state that has become defined by its utter contempt for non-white folk. Its defining figure is a racist old corrupt sheriff who would be too contemptuous for fucking Boss Hogg and the boys. It is a horrible state, a state emptied of anything alive, replaced with desert subdivisions which suck every drop of water out of the land just so their pig people can survive another day in hell. Fuck Arizona.

Pick: Rams

New England (-1) at Jacksonville

Remember, Tom Brady had to Tom Brady the fuck out of it just to come back and beat Jacksonville in the AFC Championship Game last season. I doubt he’s gonna put that kind of effort into a week two game, choosing to conserve his aging powers for later on. Then again, Tom Brady is a hypercompetitive sociopath and he might see this as a chance to preemptively drown the Jaguars like pitbull puppies before they can snap at him. That is horrible, but for some reason it reminds me of a story my dad told me about when he was a kid. Apparently, whenever he or his brothers would spill their milk as a kid, their mom, my beloved grandma, would make them pour the rest of the milk in their underwear as punishment. In their fucking underwear! Jesus! What does that have to do with Tom Brady and pitbull drownings? Nothing, other than I just thought of it and Brady seems like the type of guy who would take obscene pleasures in pouring milk down the underwear of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: New England

Oakland (+6) at Denver

In this week’s episode of As The Gruden Turns, the Raiders head up the mountains to play Denver and let’s face it, the Raiders have already packed it in on this season. The only dude who hasn’t is Marshawn Lynch, and I think that’s because he’s an Oakland dude and he has no intent to ever play in Las Vegas. He’s gonna ride or die with Oakland and when the team moves on, he’ll stay behind to be buried ceremoniously by bikers and old half-Mexican tow-truck drivers. R.I.P. Marshawn and R.I.P. Oakland Raiders.

Pick: Denver

N.Y. Giants (+3) at Dallas

Saquon Barkley is the real deal. He’s the new Barry. I’m calling it. That is bold talk, especially from me, but to be honest, it probably doesn’t mean anything. I mean, Barry could never win anything and the NFL has changed so much that running backs are even less important now. I can see him ripping off a big run or two against the Cowboys, but Ezekiel Elliott will do the same thing for the Cowboys and I am not picking Eli Manning on the road in his dotage.

Pick: Dallas

Seattle (+3.5) at Chicago

lololol at the fucking Bears. I mean, we’ve all been there, but still. That game was so fucking cruel. The Bears and their poor, idiot fans were allowed to believe that they had arrived, that they had turned the entire NFC North on its head, but then Aaron Rodgers staggered back onto the field with his cold, dead eyes, the sort of eyes that turn impressionable young girls into drug addicts without a flicker of remorse (never forget sister Mack) and he buttfucked them all with silent, passionless cruelty, just pumping away noiselessly, his face a frozen horror mask, eyes giving nothing away but the black hole void of his own soul. Who knows what goes on inside a man like that? Who can understand the empty caverns which are hidden away, into which the slain spirits of his victims are stored? Who can hear their muted wails as they plea for mercy from a god who can’t hear them because they are locked away in that horror show of a man? Who can understand, even for a heartbeat of a moment, the tragic emptiness, the thing that makes a man like that kill, that drives him to stalk the streets at night trying to fill that bottomless pit with the pain, the agony, that he himself cannot feel? Why do I have an erection right now? What is going on? Who are you people? How did you get here?

Pick: Chicago