Gambling With Sanity: Week 3

6-9-1. That was my record in week 2, which might sound bad, but it’s actually an improvement on my 5-9-2 record from week 1. We’re movin’ on up, baby! Unless, of course, you actually listened to me and gambled your child support money away and now you’re hoping that shit doesn’t follow you across state lines. But, don’t worry because I’ll eventually get this right and make sure you can afford to send your kid a nice present on their birthday every year even if you have to send it from an unmarked address so no one can find you. Or, I’ll keep losing and so will you and you’ll end up sucking dick in an alley just so you can afford another week of cough syrup while your ex-wife marries some fucker named Brad who ends up getting your kid into lacrosse or some shit. Horrible, horrible. But these are the risks you take when you read my gibberish long enough. Anyway, let’s just get to it, and as always these lines come courtesy of the VegasInsider.com consensus.

New York Jets (+3) at Cleveland

Holy shit, the Browns are actually favored! When was the last time that happened? It’s been an encouraging start for the Browns (0-1-1 is hardly encouraging for most teams, but, well, you know . . .) and they probably should be 2-0. Life doesn’t work like that, though, as all Browns fans know. First you go 0-16 and then your linebackers get arrested for insider trading and then your kicker runs afoul of some crazy Haitian priests or some shit and then who even knows, man. It’s always something.

On the other hand, this line shows just how pathetic that Lions loss to the Jets was in week 1. Humiliate the Lions, sure, why not? Two weeks later you’re an underdog to the fuckin’ Browns. Now that’s some perspective for both Jets fans and Lions fans. The Lions lost 48-17 to a team giving up points to the fucking Browns. This is the world we live in.

Pick: Browns

Indianapolis (+6.5) at Philadelphia

The Eagles are done fuckin’ around with Nick Foles and are bringing Carson Wentz back. Meanwhile, the Colts have Andrew Luck back this season and it still doesn’t matter. They stink. This might be the easiest game of the week to pick. Fast forward to you filming scat porn for your bookie to sell to some Germans after I fuck this up.

Pick: Philadelphia

Cincinnati (+3) at Carolina

I’m shocked the Bengals are 2-0. Maybe Marvin Lewis got some fire back, or maybe the NFL is just random and ridiculous and these things happen. I don’t know. As always, Cam Newton and the Panthers are impossible to predict week to week. Still, I know that if I pick the Bengals this time, they’ll lose just to spite me (they all hang on my every word, I’m sure of it) and so really I’m in a no-win position here. Either I pick the Bengals and they lose or I continue picking against Marvin Lewis and the Bengals keep winning. This is a metaphor for life, especially my life and my god, I need to huff some ether.

Pick: Carolina

Tennessee (+6.5) at Jacksonville

Marcus Mariota’s status is still up in the air and the Jaguars are coming off a goddamn whipping of the Patriots, so . . . yeah. I guess you might worry that Jacksonville might be a little too high still from that game and are primed for a let-down, but they can probably afford to not be on their game against the Titans and still win. Then again, there are no winners in Jacksonville, now or ever, unless you count Fred Durst, and why would you do that? Having Fred Durst as your spirit animal is fucking dark as hell, but then again, we’ve got Kid Rock up here so who am I to say anything about this kind of shit? This is also why the Lions and Jaguars will never play in the Super Bowl. This is just life science, friendos.

Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans (+3) at Atlanta

Maybe the most puzzlingly shitty team so far this season, the Saints just don’t look right. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for it either, which just makes things weirder. It does look like Buccaneers might be for real, which takes care of week 1 I guess, but what of the Browns? What of the Browns, people??? The only thing I can figure is that I somehow cursed the Saints by bringing them into The Great Willie Young saga. Or maybe they’re wilting in the light of The Great Willie Young’s impossible sun. They are mere mortals trying to survive with the gods, and that just isn’t possible. It’s a tragedy, really.

Pick: Atlanta

Denver (+5.5) at Baltimore

I’m not really sure about either of these teams yet. The Broncos are 2-0, but they’ve both been kind of mediocre slap-fights at home against shitty teams. The Ravens are 1-1. They whipped the Bills, but big deal, and lost to the Bengals, so . . . I don’t know. I need more data. I also need something interesting to say about either of these teams, but there isn’t anything, so fuck it, just get high and jack off instead of watching this game. I know I will.

Pick: Baltimore

N.Y. Giants (+6) at Houston

JJ Watt isn’t the same dude anymore, is he? The result is that Houston kind of looks like the perfect definition of an 8-8 team. The Giants, meanwhile, haven’t looked that bad, I guess. I mean, they’re 0-2, but this is all relative to expectations and given they were the worst team in the league last season and still have Eli Manning’s corpse Weekend at Berniesing it out there at quarterback every week, they should probably be a bad 0-2 team instead of a mediocre 0-2 team. Shit, I don’t know what I’m babbling about here either. The point, I guess, is that they’ve at least kept it reasonably close so far, and even if they lose to Houston, I think they probably keep it within 3 or so.

Pick: Giants

Oakland (+3) at Miami

I still think Jon Gruden is grifting everyone, but I also can’t see the Dolphins being 3-0. That does bring up something mildly interesting, though. What do Don Shula and the rest of the cretins from that 1972 team do if its somehow the fucking Dolphins that are the last team to lose this season? Do they pop the champagne on their own boys like that? Probably, because they’re all assholes and that’s what assholes do. What if Shula gets all hopped up on Werther’s or whatever the fuck and does something to directly interfere with the Dolphins to ensure they don’t go undefeated? Does he get banned forever like Pete Rose? Of course, “forever” is relative to an 88 year-old. Maybe he decides “fuck it” and has Ryan Tannehill clubbed like Nancy Kerrigan. Why am I even thinking about any of this when the Dolphins are only 2-0? Why do I think about anything?

Pick: Oakland

Green Bay (-3) at Washington

The Packers have already had kind of a wild year already, so I can see them exhaling here and getting caught by Washington. On the other hand, Aaron Rodgers is a cruel devil and who knows what he’s capable of? There’s at least a chance he’s balling Ivanka Trump right now (realistically, it’s probably Eric Trump he’s balling, but what the hell, when you’re rich, it’s all the same I guess, heteronormativity is for the poors) and convincing Donald that Daniel Snyder sent mean tweets about him or some shit. Maybe Donald calls up the booth like Nixon did in the Super Bowl and demands that the Redskins run a bunch of bullshit plays. He was an owner in the USFL after all. Aaron Rodgers is the devil and therefore a master of geopolitical gamesmanship. Look, I have nothing interesting to say this week about these goddamn games and so this is the kind of gibberish you get. Fuck it.

Pick: Green Bay

Buffalo (+16.5) at Minnesota

lolololol look at that line! Jesus Christ! To be fair, the Bills are coming off a game that saw one of their dudes literally quit at halftime. I mean, say what you will about the Lions, and lord knows I have said a lot, but they never had that happen to them. I mean, dude just got dressed and went home. That is the sort of thing that follows a team forever, just wretched spiritual energy. Technically, I guess you could say Mike Utley and Reggie Brown retired during a game for the Lions, but only an asshole would say something like that. Only an asshole. Yes. Only an asshole.

Pick: Minnesota

San Francisco (+6.5) at Kansas City

If I learned anything in week 2, it’s this: the 49ers are a pretty shitty team and Jimmy Garropolo is a pretty shitty quarterback with a TV host smile. But I also learned this: I was right about the Chiefs being For Real, especially Patrick Mahomes and Tyreek Hill and I expect them to wreck the 49ers. I love watching Mahomes and Tyreek so goddamn much. I should quit the Lions and become a Chiefs fan. Then again, if I did that, we all know Mahomes would get syphilis in his arm and Tyreek Hill would end up on TV running from the cops high on Angel Dust or some shit. I’m sorry, Chiefs fans, because I’ve probably already given your Chiefs an LTD, a Lions Transmitted Disease.

Pick: Kansas City

L.A. Chargers (+7) at L.A. Rams

It’s somehow fitting that the battle of Los Angeles is fought between two teams who just showed up in the city. To be fair, both teams used to call L.A. home before leaving and then coming back and the Chargers never went too far, but still. L.A. is transitory and rootless, a place where people just show up and then leave and then maybe show up again later. No one is from L.A. It’s just the last place for people to go before walking into the ocean. It is the literal and metaphorical end of America, a place for freaks and wanderers, dreamers and molestees, and naturally, a place for people who know how to prey on those types. What does any of this have to do with football? Nothing, really. Or maybe everything. (You can make anything seem interesting and deep if you say shit like that. Just like L.A.)

Pick: Rams

Chicago (-6) at Arizona

I’m not sold on Mitch Trubisky. Imagine being a Bears fan, right now, and seeing Patrick Mahomes blowing fools away while Trubisky just blows. Somehow, it’s perfect Bears and every Bears fan I know is nodding their head sadly right now. The Cardinals stink, though, and even if Trubisky is just another [insert name of every Bears quarterback for the last 50+ years] the Bears look like they might be having one of their occasional 12-4 seasons (which are always followed by a 5-11 season, because of course they are) so fuck it, WAR Trubisky, I guess.

Pick: Chicago

Dallas (+1.5) at Seattle

Seattle isn’t “Seattle” anymore. They’ve broken that team apart, and the only thing left is Russell Wilson running for his life every week. That offensive line is going to ruin him spiritually, mentally, physically and in all ways you can ruin a quarterback. That shit is sad. The Cowboys don’t look that great so far, and playing in Seattle is always a thing, but it’s also hard not to see DeMarcus Lawrence and Taco Charlton breaking Russell Wilson in half. Pete Carroll is probably already on the phone with his agent wondering which college jobs are gonna open up.

Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh (-1) at Tampa Bay

What the fuck happened with Tampa Bay? How are they so good this season? How in the fuck is Ryan Fitzpatrick suddenly the best thing going? Jameis Winston is out still, but at this point that’s probably a good thing for Tampa Bay. Those fuckers are rolling. The Steelers, meanwhile, look like a mess. Le’Veon Bell is still on his walkabout and Antonio Brown didn’t even bother to show up for work on Monday. That leaves them with two of their best players probably hiding out in strip clubs while their third is only playing because he’s been banned from the clubs for being a rapist. So fucking dark. Even strip clubs have higher standards than the NFL. Better fanbases too.

Pick: Tampa Bay