I can't believe that this picture even exists.The future is irrelevant. That is the first thing that you have to realize when watching the Lions game against the Eagles on Sunday. Matthew Stafford's shoulder is still made of ground up hamburger and broken dreams and as such, the idea of progress has been put on hold. But that doesn't mean we have to abandon all hope and start howling like deranged beasts. For once, we have to slap ourselves in the face, dunk our heads in a bucket of water and tell ourselves BE A MAN (or a lady man.)
(Wait just a damn minute. For some reason "lady man" sounds like a transvestite in a way that "lady dude" never really does. I can't explain why and really, this is a weird digression even for me and I apologize. I suppose I could have just said "woman" or "lady" but where's the fun in that? Okay, Jesus, moving on . . .)
I am sick of pissing on the now in order to fetishize the future. I fear we have done this for far too long as a way of protecting ourselves, a defensive measure that has allowed us to cope with all the horrible losing. We have forced ourselves to embrace the imaginary, the possible, in order to avoid dealing with our own grim reality. Well, fuck all that.
Look, I am still all in for the future. I still smile when I think of what could be - what should be, but when Matthew Stafford hit that turf on Sunday and came up with his arm dangling by his side, it dawned on me right then and there that I was sick to fucking death of waiting. That doesn't mean that I am going down the path of the I DEMAND RESULTS crowd. That is some ridiculous shit. The Lions are a pretty bad team and we have to accept that. We can't become unrealistic and start demanding dudes be fired because they can't perform miracles. I mean, Jesus, from the way some people carry on, we'd need Merlin or Gandalf or Penn and Teller as our head coach. Everyone just wants to see a damn magic trick. (Incidentally, Merlin is out of touch with today's game, Gandalf isn't aggressive enough and also has a weird fetish for hairy midgets that would inevitably cause great scandal and Penn and Teller would be fired after they were found snorting cocaine off of hookers in the locker room.)
This is still a process, but that doesn't mean I should sacrifice my hopes for the present in favor of my dreams for tomorrow. I want to see the Lions win and I want to see them win badly. I already saw them win one game this season only for it to be taken away and what the second half of that game did for me was remind me that even when it feels like there is no hope, when it feels like tomorrow might be lost, today still exists and today you fight and today you either win or you die trying.
I want to watch my Lions fight. I want to see them win or at least die trying. I want to see first downs. I want to see sacks. I want to see hitting. I want to see a team that believes. I want to see a team that isn't afraid of losing. I want to see a team that isn't beaten down by the name "Detroit Lions." I want to see a team that doesn't give a fuck about the past or the future. I want to see a team that just wants to win the damn game.
Can they? Maybe. A lot of people are treating Shaun Hill like he's just some turd the team scraped out of the toilet in the locker room, slapped a helmet on and tried to pass off as a quarterback. This is, of course, ridiculous. Hill is 10-6 as a starter in his career and has shown that he can at least be a competent field general, if not a spectacular flame thrower. Doesn't everybody remember how happy we were when the Lions traded for him? Finally, we all told each other, we have a competent backup quarterback. Finally, we could dig a grave for Daunte Culpepper.
But instead, I hear people bitching about Hill and saying that Mayhew needs to go out and get a quarterback and I'm not sure what they want. Who the hell are we going to get that's a better option? Do you wanna call Daunte Culpepper up and drag him back from the hell of the UFL? How about Jamarcus Russell? Come on. Oh . . . oh, I know, now is finally the time that the Grit Merchant, Drew Stanton deserves his shot. Is that it? Is that what people want to see?
To hell with that. Everybody loves Drew Stanton because he's the underdog and he's the local boy, but my grandpa throws the ball with more velocity than Stanton and my grandpa's dead. Oh, but he can scramble and he can run and blah blah blah. That doesn't help when the defense is loaded with guys who can all run faster and who are quite willing to murder you if you let them. But he just makes plays! Eckstein! GRIT! This is where I need to tell you to slap yourself in the face again. Get a hold of yourself, damn it.
Shaun Hill is the man. For now. And we have to remember that he has had some success in this league. And it's not like he's without weapons. St. Calvin is still here. Jahvid Best is still here. Nate Burleson and Brandon Pettigrew and Tony Scheffler are all still here. The Lions have players who can make plays. Now Scott Linehan just has to trust those players and let them go out and do it. If the Lions play it conservatively and play not to lose, well . . . then the offense is doomed right from the start and it doesn't matter who the Lions have at quarterback because they're probably going to lose.
It should help that Stewart Bradley, the Eagles starting middle linebacker, is out after getting knocked retarded against the Packers. If you watched the game, you saw him try to stumble to his feet only to fall down over and over again while everybody ignored him. I felt like I was watching a tape of me from college at three in the morning after one of my house parties. I bet he vomited too. It's okay, Stewart, I feel your pain.
And then there's Ernie Sims. Oh, Ernie. Welcome back to your kingdom, oh noble lord. Yes, the Lizard King returns after a coup toppled him from his throne. It was a sad day, but we have Willie Young to look after us now and even though we miss your monkey, Ernie, I'm afraid that - and it pains me to say this - we are better off without you.
Yes, for as much as I loved that noble King of the Jungle, the truth is that as a football player, Ernie is, well, Ernie is kind of a moron. The Lions know this better than anybody and I look for them to mess with his head on a variety of screens and draws and all that fun stuff. Basically, they will do anything they can to try to get Sims to run out of position. It will be painful to watch you suffer, oh noble one, and at the end of the day you will probably be stripped naked and beaten by your terrible monkey while you sob and beg for mercy. But mercy will not come, for that monkey will not tolerate failure. He is a monkey of principle and great pride and you must accept the consequences of your ineptitude.
One more note about Sims before I move on: we might be helped by the fact that Sims is apparently cursed. You might not know this, but Sims is on a personal losing streak of 29 games. Yes, that's right. 29 GAMES! When the Lions won their two games last year, Sims was out of the lineup with injury. That means that he hasn't played in a game for a winner since 2007. The man has not basked in the glow of victory IN ALMOST THREE YEARS. Sorry for the all caps/italics combo, but Goddamn! You're lucky I didn't bold it too.
Anyway, the Lions should be able to find some success against the Eagles defense by victimizing the linebackers. I just hope they can do so before the Eagles prize rookie, Brandon Graham gets into the backfield and murders Shaun Hill.
Defensively, the Lions are probably straight fucked. That could be my analysis for every game for the defense this season. It's not that the Eagles pose a particular threat or anything, it's just that the Lions don't have the talent to be a good defense this year. There are just too many holes. The defensive line should be fine - in fact they should be better than fine - especially in the middle, where Ndamukong Suh, Corey Williams and Sammie (no Lee) Hill will be going up against the Eagles backup center, a dude named Mike McGlynn, who will be making his first career start following an injury to Jamaal Jackson. They should absolutely terrorize that poor dude. Plus, guard Todd Herremans is gimpy after suffering a sprained ankle against the Packers, meaning that the Lions should be able to tear apart the middle of the Eagles line like tissue paper.
Sounds good, right? Well, not so fast, dudes and lady dudes. It might not matter if the Lions rip through the middle of the Eagles line at warp speed because the Lions still don't have anyone to cover DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin, not to mention Jason Avant and Brent Celek over the middle of the field. Jesus, I just shuddered at the thought of Jackson and Maclin torching our shitty cornerbacks again and again.
The good news is that Kevin Kolb is out after joining Stewart Bradley in the Applesauce Brigade. (So named because that is both the consistency of their brains and what they are being spoon fed and drooling all over themselves this week.) And that means that Michael Vick will have to take a momentary break from drowning and electrocuting the family collie to hop onto the field and try to remember how to play quarterback. That's generally a good thing because, well, even at his best Vick was never able to consistently hit his receivers. That might be what saves us. We'll still have to hold our breath when DeSean Jackson inevitably runs free, but we'll probably be able to exhale when Vick uselessly overthrows him.
The bad news is that last week against the Packers, Vick showed that he can still run, rushing for over 100 yards after relieving Kolb. To add to the bad news, the Lions don't exactly have the linebacking corps to contain Vick if he decides to run. I'm already having nightmares about the Lions defensive line tearing into the backfield, getting Vick in their grasp, Vick squirming away and taking off down the field while linebackers lunge uselessly at him. Oh, the horror! Furthermore, the Lions defense is probably going to be so eager to make plays - even more so than normal thanks to Stafford's injury, meaning that they will take it upon themselves to try to win the game, much like in the second half last week - that they will probably become irresponsible and start jumping out of their rushing lanes, which is the absolute worst thing you can do against a quarterback like Vick. You have to be smart, you have to be disciplined and you have to be patient. You have to let Vick come to you and you have to let him shoot himself in the foot, which he's proven he will do eventually. You can't play in Berzerker Mode. You will end up looking like a fool and Vick will run right by you while you flounder uselessly and curse yourself for running out of position. Sadly, I think the Lions defense is naturally set on Berzerker Mode and after last week, they will probably be set on Berzerker Mode on Meth. This is not a good thing. I hope I'm wrong.
I don't see the Eagles running backs doing a damn thing against Suh, Williams, Hill, Vanden Bosch and company. Starting fullback Leonard Weaver is out for the year, the middle of the line is floating somewhere in the Phantom Zone with General Zod and LeSean McCoy isn't exactly a gamebreaker. I think the Lions will actually be able to bottle up the Eagles offense pretty well and then will get beaten by a lot of blown coverages and shitty mistakes. Again, if the Lions play smart and they play patient, I think they can stop Vick and the Eagles. If not, they'll still stop them and then cause us to break tables and beat the hell out of our friends with our remote controls and wander into the streets, dazed, gibbering at frightened old people and confused squirrels when Vick scrambles for a first down on 3rd and 7 or DeSean Jackson breaks free and catches a deep bomb after we stuff them on consecutive running plays. We will not slowly bleed to death in this one. We will think we are winning and then BAM! We'll get our heads blown clean off.
I want to win this game and I think that the Lions can win. I'm just not so sure that the conditions are right for them to win this week. I think they'll be too amped up on defense, too eager to prove some sort of point and it will cost them. And then I worry about Linehan's game plan. With Stafford out, I have a feeling that he'll retreat even further into the Play Not To Lose camp. We saw it in the second half against the Bears and if that happens this week, then we've already lost.
In the end, this is what I see - the Lions defense will look good, but they'll make just enough mistakes that the Eagles will be able to score some points. Meanwhile, the offense will play like they're afraid and won't be able to counterpunch. The result will be a game that is incredibly frustrating. We'll be left feeling like the Lions should have won the game but didn't. We'll agonize over a few key plays defensively and we'll bitch and moan about Linehan and the offense after the game and people will start whining and complaining all over again about Hill even though it won't really be his fault. I know, not the most optimistic of projections, but above all, I am a man of reason and science and this is just the way it is.
FIVE LIKELY TERRIBLE PREDICTIONS
1. Hill will complete 14 of 26 passes for 168 yards, 1 touchdown and 0 interceptions. He'll hardly ever take a shot down field and the ghost of Joey Harrington will slime us all. I'll be forced to call Harold Ramis because Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd are both too expensive and we'll be left with the indignity of watching Joey's ghost abuse Egon. No one wants to watch Harold Ramis' corpse getting dragged naked and beaten out of Ford Field, but I fear this is the savagery wrought by our friend Fate.
2. The Eagles will key on Jahvid Best and he'll end up with 85 yards on 17 carries. 40 of those yards will come on one long run, meaning that for the rest of the game he'll only pick up 45 yards on 16 carries. He'll also catch 5 passes for 65 yards and a touchdown, and we'll be left both excited by his gamebreaking potential and worried by his inability to consistently gain quality yardage.
3. Calvin Johnson will be frustratingly absent for much of the game, catching only 4 passes for 48 yards and 0 touchdowns. We'll all watch in horror as his body language deteriorates and after the game I will rant and rave about Lions Disease and will curse Scott Linehan. And thus, my first whipping boy of the Schwartz era will be born. Joy!
4. Vick will struggle to throw the ball, completing only 15 of 33 passes, but those 15 completions will go for 235 yards thanks to at least one long touchdown strike to DeSean Jackson. Vick will run for 65 yards on 15 attempts, and the Lions will alternate between bottling him up and letting him frustratingly run free after losing contain. After the game, Vick will eat a box full of puppies on live television. The Eagles fans will embrace him wholeheartedly, their respect for utter degeneracy outweighing their latent racism.
5. LeSean McCoy won't do a damn thing. He'll only rush for 10 yards on 12 carries and we will all cling to Ndamukong Suh as a source of hope in these dark and trying times.
SPECIAL BONUS PREDICTION: Willie Young will rise from the earth surrounded by a cloud of great smoke and trip up Michael Vick just as it appears Vick is about to break a long run. The announcers will make jokes about the turf monster but we'll know the real story.
PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: Eagles 27, Lions 13
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