It's not homoerotic if they're both wearing helmets.
In previous years, I devoted approximately a billion words to each position group in a monstrous season preview that left me shaking like a junky, my brain mushy and worthless and my heart full of so much hateful depression that it was a minor miracle that I not only kept watching football but didn't just strip naked and run into on-coming traffic. (Why would I be naked? Well, why not?)
This year, I have decided to do things a little differently. And while I'll admit that the preservation of my sanity is the biggest reason for this change, there are some other legitimate reasons. For starters, I have already devoted so many words (so fucking many . . .) to just about every player on this team that by now each one would just feel like it was an exercise in mind numbing repetition. I mean how many times do you need me to call Drew Stanton a Grit Farmer or explain my position on Jeff Backus? Second, going position by position can obscure the point of the whole thing, which is that each one of these position groups works in harmony with the other ones. It's all well and good to explain why the Defensive Backs are straight gutter trash or to declare that the Defensive Line will murder people with their bare hands. But it doesn't really explain how that affects the team as a whole.
So, I have searched far and wide for a solution and in the end, I have just decided to go my own way and make it up as I go along. You know, the usual. Today, I'm going to take a look at the offense. Tomorrow, I'll do the defense, and then on Thursday I'll give an overview of the whole damn thing, complete with ridiculous predictions, and then on Friday I'll hit you with a preview of the Bears game. Sound good?
Oh, one last thing. I am still holding to my announced plan to post something every day. So, starting now (or yesterday, really) be sure to check here every day to read whatever weird bullshit I am serving up. Every day? YES. EVERY DAMN DAY. (Well, weekdays anyway. Have a heart.) I can't promise a specific time. Some days will be later than others. If you're counting on me to be like the faithful husband who skips home from work at the same time everyday with a smile on his face, then you'll probably be making a mistake. Instead, I'll be more like the husband who sometimes comes home after work and sometimes comes staggering in at two AM, stinking of cheap booze and whores. It won't be pretty, but damn it all, at least I'll still be coming home to you every night. And that's something, right?
And with all that out of the way, let's start this thing.
OFFENSE
BEST PLAYER: Come on, who could it be other than St. Calvin? Indeed, Calvin Johnson is the one offensive player we have who we can throw down as a trump card in conversations with other fans. We are like poor white trash living in a wealthy neighborhood and while everyone else bolts around in their Porsches and their Maybachs and their rocket powered tanks and AT-ATs, all our vehicles are on cinder blocks on the front lawn. At least until we open the garage and drive our Ferrari out. That's Calvin Johnson. Everyone just sits back and laughs at us, mocks us and calls us losers and yet, somehow, we have the nicest toy of all and when he shows up, the laughter dies down and everyone just stares at awe while we drive away.
WORST PLAYER: I'm limiting this to the starters. It would be excessively shitty of me to rag on a fringe roster player here, the third Tight End or backup Fullback or whoever. It would be like kicking a retarded puppy. All that said, the winner (loser?) here is Gosder Cherilus. Cherilus is a former first round pick, a remnant of the dying days of the Millen reign of terror, and so far all he's shown the ability to do is take a bunch of dumb penalties and blatantly try to injure Jared Allen. Perhaps this is Karmic payback for the brutal and inhumane slaying of my man Lennie Small. Perhaps his peanut brain was somehow transferred to Big Gos' head. I don't know. What I do know is that for a first round pick, getting chased after by an enraged Jared Allen shouldn't be the highlight of your career. I also considered going with Stephen Peterman here. Peterman is not a very good player, but really, that's not his fault. He was born shitty. Again, it would be like whipping on a retard. Cherilus, though, has talent. He has the ability to be much more than he is. But he's a wasteful idiot, and therefore this category is all his. By the way, one last thing: it's probably not a good sign for the right side of the Offensive Line that it is made up of the two players who I considered here.
MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER: This is different from Best Player. Calvin Johnson is great, but he's not the most important player for us offensively. Don't get me wrong, he is an extremely important player. Even if he only touches the ball ten times, his mere presence opens up the field for the rest of the offense. But, he does only touch the ball ten times a game - at most. There is a player who touches the ball on every play, and his name is Matthew Stafford. Yes, this is a bit of a no-brainer and isn't the most creative of answers, but sometimes the obvious answer is also the right answer, you know? It would be foolish of me to say otherwise. If Matthew Stafford takes a leap over last season - if he cuts down on the turnovers and manages to stay healthy - the offense will be explosive. If he still throws way too many interceptions and gets banged up then the offense will struggle. It's that simple.
PLAYER WHOSE IMPORTANCE IS UNDERRATED: The key guys are obvious in the offense - Stafford, St. Calvin, Jahvid Best - but there are other players who are important too, players whose performance this season could mean the difference between ordinary and extraordinary. Chief amongst these players this season is Nate Burleson. It is critically important that Burleson plays well at the second receiver spot. If he does, then it will force teams to pay attention to him and ease up on St. Calvin, which could open Calvin up for a monster season. If Burleson plays like he can, then the Lions will simply have too many weapons for the defense to deal with, too many dudes to cover, too many players to chase around the field. If he struggles, then the defense can smother St. Calvin and key on Jahvid Best out of the backfield. Burleson playing well will be critical to the offense's success this season.
DEEPEST POSITION GROUP: I'm going to go with the Tight Ends here. They aren't the most explosive nor are they the most talented, but from top to bottom they are probably the most solid. In Brandon Pettigrew, the Lions have a complete Tight End, a guy who can get open down the seams, serve as a safety valve for Stafford and provide elite level in-line blocking. Behind him, Tony Scheffler is a very good receiver for a Tight End and Will Heller is a fine blocker. The starter has all the tools while his backups each possess a high level of skill in one particular area. That's exactly what you want. This position was so deep that the Lions were able to trade Dan Gronkowski to the Broncos for Alphonso Smith, who was a second round pick at Cornerback only a year ago. That's what depth will do for you. Without that depth, the Lions would have kept Gronkowski, who played well in the preseason. With that depth, Gronkowski was expendable. He wasn't going to make the team but he was good enough to be attractive to another team, and the Lions were able to deal him for a potentially useful part in the Secondary. This is how you effectively build a quality team.
SHALLOWEST POSITION GROUP: I'm going to say the Offensive Tackles. Look, there's a reason why Gosder Cherilus is still starting, and it's not because he has a Pro Bowl caliber player just waiting behind him for his chance to play. Meanwhile, Jeff Backus is probably the most hated player the Lions have - fairly or unfairly - but again, it's not like the Lions have anyone else. There is a faint ray of hope, as Corey Hilliard looks like he could be a decent developmental prospect, but honestly? There's not much here, especially after Jon Jansen was taken out behind the barn and shot, his corpse flung next to Lennie Small's. I could have also gone with the Guards here, and in retrospect maybe I should have. At least the Offensive Tackles have some first round credentials backing them up. All the Guards have are Rob Sims, Peterman and Manny Ramirez. No blue chippers there, but hell, maybe that's reason enough to give this to the Offensive Tackles. The Guards are at least playing up to their ability. The Tackles on the other hand are supposed to be good. But they aren't and so fuck them.
X-FACTOR: This is Jahvid Best all the way. If he hits his ceiling, which is somewhere between Brian Westbrook and Chris Johnson, then look the fuck out because this offense will just straight up kill a bunch of fools. Best brings a dynamic to this offense which hasn't been seen since a certain martyred Saint (of the non-New Orleans variety) rode out of town on a river of tears. Oh, Barry, you have been missed. If Best can bring a fraction of what Barry brought to the Lions once upon a time, then the pieces might be in place for an offense that is capable of hanging with anybody.
CORE PLAYERS WHO THE TEAM CAN BUILD AROUND: These are the guys who are set, the positions we don't really have to worry about, the ones who will be with us when we finally reach the mountaintop. They are: Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Jahvid Best, and Brandon Pettigrew. Stafford and St. Calvin are locked in. They are the future, for better or for worse. Best and Pettigrew are included here largely based off of potential. If they don't work out they could still be replaced but we won't think like that because we are optimists in our hearts and gentlemen and lady gentlemen in our souls. But for now they are the players who the team expects to still be here seven or eight years from now, leading the way.
PLAYERS WHO THE TEAM CAN WIN WITH: These are players who aren't necessarily elite level talents, and if the right guy came along, you'd replace them. Eventually, you have an eye on replacing them, but they can get the job done if they have elite talent around them, if that makes sense. They are: Jerome Felton, Nate Burleson, and Rob Sims.
PLAYERS WHO THE TEAM WOULD PROBABLY REPLACE IF THEY COULD: These are guys who the team would eventually love to replace. Given unlimited options, you would probably see other players starting in their place. Mind you, some of these guys are not terrible, but they just aren't players with whom you can win a championship. It's that simple. They are: Gosder Cherilus, Stephen Peterman, Dominic Raiola and Jeff Backus. Considering this is 4/5 of the Offensive Line, you can now commence picking out the most fashionable necktie you can find to hang yourself with. Until this unit is overhauled, the offense - no matter the weapons - will never reach its full potential. This is something that we know all too well as Lions fans. We spent a decade watching our offense almost get there but never quite reaching its full potential. How many times did we drone on and on about "If we only had the Cowboys Offensive Line . . ." But we didn't and the result was St. Barry being washed away in a flood of his own tears. I don't want to see that happen again. Do you?
KEY BACKUP: I'll go with Kevin Smith here. Jahvid Best should be a star. He is the most talented running back the Lions have had since, well . . . you know, but that doesn't mean he can do it all by himself. He'll need a breather and Kevin Smith has to produce when Best is out of the game. Ideally, Smith will return from the slaughterhouse death of his poor knee with the ability to still do some things. He should still be an effective blocker and receiver out of the backfield but thus far, since coming back from his injuries, he hasn't shown the ability to run nearly as well as he did as a rookie, when he ran for almost 1,000 yards on that apocalyptic 0-16 team. If he can't regain the ability to run off 4-5 yards every time he gets the ball (let's face it, the dude is never going to be explosive) then the offense will bog down whenever he is in there. If he can't get it done - and can't do so right away - Maurice Morris is waiting in the wings.
FIVE NO DOUBT TERRIBLE PREDICTIONS:
1. Stafford will take a leap this season, and will throw for 3,800 yards, 26 touchdowns and 13 interceptions. He will still make the occasionally frustrating and critical mistake, but he'll also put us in position to win more games than we're accustomed to seeing as Lions fans.
2. Calvin Johnson will catch 90 passes for around 1350 yards and 12 touchdowns. He will be the big play terror that everyone fears when they play the Lions and he and Stafford will be a lethal combo that will have enormous buzz around them going into 2011.
3. Jahvid Best will run for 1100 yards on 250 carries as a rookie, and will be a pain in the ass for defensive coordinators to have to contend with as the season goes on. He will not be a workhorse, however, and many of his yards will come on big plays. An average game for him will look like this - 15 carries, 75 yards, 1 touchdown, 4 receptions, 46 yards, and a billion headaches for defensive coordinators. There will be some games where he just explodes and then there will be other games where he'll be frustratingly quiet. These games will also correlate with the team's success - or lack thereof. But he is still a rookie and along with Stafford and St. Calvin, there will be significant buzz surrounding Best going into 2011. Jesus, I'm so excited. Someone might need to slap me or shock me with a car battery or something. Calm down, you fool!
4. The Offensive Line will provide a workmanlike effort this season and we'll leave it saying they did just enough to make it work. Stafford will manage to stay healthy even though he'll still take a few too many hits thanks to breakdowns - especially by Cherilus, but Rob Sims' infusion into the lineup should ease some of the protection burden on Jeff Backus. Meanwhile, there will be some games where the line is able to open up holes in the running game but there will be others where there's no room at all, and like I said with Best, the results there will have a strong correlation with the team's overall success.
5. The receivers other than St. Calvin will have a largely decent year. Burleson will be a Godsend, quickly developing into Stafford's comfort receiver, the dude he turns to first when everything is covered. As a result, he'll catch 65 passes for around 900 yards and 6 or 7 touchdowns. However, he'll also miss a game with an injury. Brandon Pettigrew will slowly return to prominence following his knee injury, causing Stafford to target Tony Scheffler early in the season. But by the end of the season, Stafford to Pettigrew will become a familiar sight and Scheffler will see his production start to wane a little bit. Unfortunately, beyond Burleson, the Lions will get disappointing production out of their receivers. Bryant Johnson should manage to catch 40 balls, but he'll be too quiet in too many games. Meanwhile, Derrick Williams will again do nothing and the Lions will be on the search for more receiving depth going into 2011.
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