The events of Tuesday felt like the first salvo in the Great War to rebuild Lions football(That is, if you don't count Matt Millen's shitcanning, and I am choosing to forget everything about his terrible reign, including his firing, so...).The big news of course is that Roy Williams is safely ensconced in Dallas now where I would like to think that he would drop a million passes the rest of the season and whine and bitch his way into being pistol whipped by a drunk and pantsless Jerry Jones. Why panstless? Why not? But the truth is now that he is out of Detroit good ol' Roy will probably turn into Michael Irvin minus the coke and the whores.
As much as I have berated Roy Williams on this blog over the last couple of months the simple truth is that the Lions are going to be even worse without him. That's okay I guess, since the move was made for the future and with his contract up at the end of the season Roy would be long gone. The three draft picks the Lions got for him will aid in the rebuilding effort, but the first rounder is likely to be a fairly late one unless the Cowboys completely tank and Jerry Jones drunkenly pistol whips Wade Phillips - again pantsless - while Terrell Owens prances around like Buffalo Bill on his front lawn wearing a coat made from the skin of Tony Romo. But that is unlikely to happen, amazing as it would be, and the Lions will probably be on the lookout for yet another contributor with the pick instead of the star that they need. But hey, two first round picks are better than one so I shouldn't complain and a late first rounder is better than watching Roy Williams dance out of town, laughing maniacally while he wears his own coat made from dollar bills pulled from his new gigantic contract with whatever smitten team would have bagged him.
As for this season, he will probably be replaced by some combination of Shaun McDonald and Mike Furrey and while both have been surprisingly and astoundingly productive in the last two seasons, those hyper-productive seasons came in Mike Martz's pass happy system and while playing in the slot. Neither really is cut out for playing on the outside, and I predict that both will struggle in the new role. Adding to their struggles will be the fact that they will have Dan "I'll just run over here, and...oh shit, a safety" Orlovsky throwing to them the rest of the season. Then again, they might end up with frat boy extraordinaire Drew Stanton tossing them the ball, in which case...well, in which case they will still struggle but I can cackle with glee as that asshole Stanton gets splattered all over Ford Field.
Of course, the reason why the quarterback position is in such dire straits is because that other asshole, Jon Kitna, has finally been taken out behind the barn and shot. The Lions are saying it is a back injury and that Kitna just can't go and thus has been put on injured reserve, but as I have said all along this smacks of bullshit, and Kitna's own comments on the situation seem to back this up. According to him, the Lions told him not to fly to Minnesota with the rest of the team, and since then have essentially stopped talking to him even though he claims he doesn't think he needs to be on injured reserve. This of course is the classic "I'll just stop talking to him/her and hopefully he/she gets the hint" breakup strategy and it leaves me with the hope that the Lions, although classless, have dumped Kitna. Unfortunately, in this case they have left their aging old wife for a couple of crackwhores, but hey, it's a start. Also, yes, the him/her, he/she was in reference to my belief that Kitna is in fact a hermaphrodite.
The future in Detroit begins now, and it's going to be ugly as fuck for a while - a long while in all likelihood, but it is something new and it is something different and for now, all we can do as Lions fans is try to ignore all the shit that's been shoveled onto us over the years and pretend that maybe this time shit will be alright. Of course, if you've read anything else that I've written here you know that is a really fucking hard thing to do. But somehow, I found myself thinking about the future earlier today and wondering if maybe, just maybe, things would be different this time. I know, I know, I am the classic battered wife here, but Goddammit he told me he loved me and that it wouldn't happen again! Of course I know that I will just end up disappointed and disgusted once again but a small part of my brain - the same part that thinks I still might end up a billionaire paleontologist as I planned as a child - believes in the impossible. And let's face it, nothing is more impossible than these shitheads somehow turning things around. But if they do, look for me on the cover of Fortune explaining how I made my first billion examining dinosaur bones. I figure the odds of either happening are roughly the same.
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