Now that Matt Millen is gone, the rest of the season seems anti-climactic, like the team is just playing out the string so that everyone can be shit canned in the offseason and we can all start anew. And the sad part about that is that it is supposed to represent a step up for this franchise, like if they go 2-14 this season everyone will just say fuck it, it's time to rebuild, ignoring of course the obvious, which is that this is a team that is perpetually rebuilding. It is a strange feeling really around these parts. There is a sense of optimism that hasn't been there in the better part of a decade, but nobody really seems to know what they're optimistic about. There is just the feeling that literally anything is better than the hell of the Matt Millen era and it doesn't even really matter that we lose, as long as that bozo isn't around to fuck things up.
This, of course, is fucking stupid. And I suspect that after this week, fans will even start to miss Matt Millen. Okay, okay, I know that sounds dumb as fuck, but hear me out. The Lions being a shitty team was almost a sideshow to the real issue around here for the last several years, and that was Matt Millen inexplicably still having his job. Every pent up emotion Lions fans had, accumulated from years of suffering, was channeled at Millen. He was a fucking whipping goat, a huge ass goat, and every time the Lions fumbled and fucked around on the field, everyone's anger turned towards that dumb asshole. People grabbed a hold of that shit like a life raft. It became a mantra of sorts for Lions fans: all we needed to do was get rid of Millen and things would get better. Well, now he's gone, and the team is still going to be an abomination. Only now, the fans won't have anyone to turn on. They'll just have this shitty team, and in a way that's more depressing. No one to bitch at, no one to take aim at week after week, no one to point to as the reason why the team just can't get any better, just a bunch of fuckups and assholes playing on Sunday, a team that just plain sucks. And now we just have to face it.
Of course, everyone is curious as to how this shit is going to play out on Sunday. But really, why should we expect anything different? I mean, come on, the same players are there, and the same dipshit coaches who have been so horrible are still there, calling all the plays. In fact, in the last couple of seasons, much of the Lions horrible personnel decisions came from Rod Marinelli. He's the one that wanted to bring in all the former Bucs. He's the one who insisted the Lions trade Shaun Rogers. He's the one who insisted that the team switch to a power running game. And that dumb asshole is still here, so let's not pretend like the Lions are going to come out onto the field on Sunday a new team, ready to whip everyone's ass now that Matt Millen has been murdered.
Of course, there are rumblings that the Lions are going to open the playbook back up against the Bears, which should mean a lot more of the four wide sets which the team has had its only success with this year. Okay, fine. The only problem with this is that Jon Kitna has been fucking horrible this year, and both Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson apparently have some sort of bet going to see who can drop the most balls and cause Kitna to hang himself by midseason. Of course, he won't have to hang himself, since he will likely be dead long before then, a victim both of his own incompetence and that of the atrocious offensive line. Still, this is probably the only chance this shit heap of a team has of staying in the game against the Bears.
Defensively, the apocalypse will likely continue unabated as Matt Forte runs for roughly eleventy billion yards, becoming the latest player to look like a Hall of Famer against the Lions. On the plus side, the Bears have Kyle Orton. But fuck that shit. Kyle Orton is a loveable drunk and although he may suck, against the Lions nobody sucks, and if you can't cheer for a degenerate like Kyle Orton you can go straight to hell. Fuck it, I'm going to outright cheer for Orton to rip shit up against the Lions. I like him better than any of the dumb assholes on my team. Boring ass motherfuckers. I mean, there is a good chance that Orton plays the game hung over, or maybe even still a little drunk from the night before. I will always support that. Anything that puts you in the same discussion with Bobby Layne and Ken Stabler is never a bad thing. Meanwhile, Jon Kitna will probably be coming straight from church or a lynching or from beating the shit out of some poor gay dude after Kitna made him suck his dick or jerk off in front of him or something like that dude in Boogie Nights. Fuck Jon Kitna.
Look, I want the Lions to win. I do. But there is just a listless sense of damnation right now. And I fear the only way to get through this shit storm of a season is to look for stories, real or imagined, and if that means cheering on a drunk over a bible thumping asshole, regardless of which team they play for, then so be it. I don't give a fuck if this is some sort of sport's heresy. I've gotta watch these goddamn games, and I have to find a way to get through them without becoming so drunk that I end up naked in the street pissing on old ladies or something. I spent a lot of years watching every Lions game hung over. It's what happens when your team plays almost every game on Sunday at 1 pm. I think this is the only thing that kept me from getting really fucking drunk during those games. But now I tend to temper my drinking a little bit and usually by the time I go to bed I've already got that shitty headache thing going, which sucks, but at least it means I won't be hung over the next day. Sundays are the one day that I miss that, because it really did make the games easier to take. I just lay there and watched the Lions get the shit kicked out of them and it was easier because I was hung over to just lay back and let whatever happened happen without getting too worked up over it. I don't know. All I know is that I associate watching the Lions with feeling like shit. And the sad part is that even though I can watch them clear headed, without the stink of death surrounding me and the taste of some rot gut horse swill gurgling up in the back of my throat, I still feel miserable when I watch them. I guess my point is that no matter how much things seem to change they just stay the fucking same. I'm in a different place in my life now. I'm a little more mature, a little less prone to behaving like a fucking viking, and maybe less apt to be found puking in my bushes when I stumble home as the sun comes up. For fuck's sake, I'm a vegetarian now. But, on Sundays man, I sit down in front of the TV and no matter how much I've changed, and no matter that I have more blood than alcohol coursing through my veins now, watching the Lions still makes me feel hung over and miserable. It doesn't matter though, because they are my team, and if I would have given up on them it would have happened a loooooooonnnnnnng time ago. Look, I know this a bunch of rambling nonsense, but fuck it, this is what happens when you are a Lions fan. Gibberish becomes a second language. It's the only way to survive. And just because Matt Millen's dead now, it doesn't mean that is going to change anytime soon.
Predicted Final Score: Bears 28, Lions 17
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