I Will See You All In Hell

I already wrote a thousand words or so that was just so depressing that I trashed it and decided to start over. But, I mean how else am I supposed to deal with Detroit Lions football, where one regime after another has ended in failure, including this one, and where there is no end in sight while the Nazi friendly Ford family keep their diseased name attached to the whole fucking thing.  It really is remarkable that a family that helped saved the world (some early questionable affections aside) could be this putrid, but here we are, in this fucked up Worst Case Scenario version of America where we have become the bad guys, the evil fucking empire that I guess we were always destined to be,

And anyway, I guess it is appropriate that these shithead Lions roll into Washington DC to pay fealty to the MAGA shitheads. The good news, I suppose, is that the Lions will probably beat these idiots, but is it the really good news is it just prolongs the inevitable collapse of this current regime, who have managed to do the unthinkable and be not only bad at football things like the Millen regime but also evil, with a probable rapist fat ass head coach and a sociopath Patriot Wayer fake tough guy who stalks the locker room with a baseball bat. It is all too much to take, and this is why a thousand words or so was already sacrificed to the hell mouth that is this shitty evil football team.

It’s just no goddamn fun when the team is bad and when you hate the assholes in charges so much that even winning wouldn’t be any fun because they’d still be there and the only way this cycle of endless misery ends is if we storm the whole fucking thing with torches and pitchforks, but we won’t because we are cowards who have deluded ourselves for far too long into believing that eating a perpetual shit sandwich somehow builds character. Yes, we are stronger in the broken places than most people are in the healthy places, but we shouldn’t have to be. It sucks, and it’s not right.

And yet, here we are, ready to watch these miserable assholes take on another team of miserable assholes owned by an almost unbelievably huge asshole with a racist ass team name that is embarrassing and shameful for an entire country of assholes who built their fortune on genocide and greed. Fuck it, take me out of this place, whisk me away to Mexico where I can die in peace beneath the ass of a hot Latina as her jealous narco boyfriend sets fire to my dick.

But I will never be so lucky, and I am doomed to sit here, a miserable 40 year old asshole and continue to watch the asshole football team that I have been chained to from birth through no fault of my own, although I guess at some point I should have the guts to pull the plug on the whole thing which just makes me a cowardly asshole, but you assholes wouldn’t let me, and so here I am again, writing about how it feels to be a Lions fan, and this is as much your fault as it as is mine and I will see you all in hell.

Still, at least we’ll have each other to keep company as we tell psychic horror stories and strangle each other in a shit heap of our own perpetual misery and this shit is even more depressing and awful than the thousand or so words I already wrote and scrapped, and you might ask why I am even doing this and the only thing I can tell you is that it is because you won’t let me go and so I can’t let you goo and we are doomed to just shit into each other’s mouths until the heat death of the universe.

So yeah, anyway, the Lions play the Redacteds today and I felt I had to fire something off to get you in the mood for another craptacular day of endless suffering and misery. lol man, you fuckers have dragged me to a dark place yet again and that’s fine, that’s fine, because I will just choke you all out here and you have to take it because that is the deal that we made. I write it, you read it and no one gets out alive, everybody dies.

So tell your friends to read my stuff because it doesn’t get any better than this and everyone likes to watch a car wreck in slow motion, the fucking ghouls, and I welcome every single one of them to this loathsome hate fest that never ends and won’t end until the Ford family relinquishes its evil hold on this franchise, which is the true Bobby Layne Curse here and man even that curse has gone past its supposed 50 year time limit, but there are no time limit draws here in this sport, no sir, only a permanent death match into the darkest parts of ourselves.

I should have just kept the original thousand or so words I had here but I didn’t and now you get this monstrosity, which is even darker than before, even more hate filled and miserable, but this is what you fuckers asked for and so this is what you get. I will see you all in hell.

Lions 24 Redacteds 14

Gambling With Sanity Week Who Gave You This Number?

It is a new week in these strange and interesting streets we live in, and while the White House might be looking for new lodgers and new loungers if everything goes the way it should, we are still tied to the invisible hand of Adam Smith forcing us to gamble against our very own sanity again.

Went 9-5 last week, which means we still have our thumbs and no graves are being dug in the Vegas desert just yet, so let’s just try to ride this wave of success to an Edenic overflowing of money money money, or at least let me keep you entranced by my sorceress of words, all of whom are my daughters and I love them dearly.

Indianapolis (+5.5) at Houston

I’m seeing a shootout here, which I told Davey over and over again as he sought my advice for nefarious activities, and I see no reason why I should back down from that now. Jacoby Brissett isn’t Andrew Luck, but he’s been good enough, maybe even a hair better, to bring his guns to this fight, but he might be on the docks this week, and then it’s up to Brian Hoyer, last seen by me being chased off his own field as my beloved Michigan Wolverines beat up his Sparty friends, which feels like eons ago, but is really like 12 years I guess, which is a long ass time to be a loser and a backup loser quarterback and if he’s the guy here then the Colts are already fucked. But what begat the Cousins isn’t the point here. The point is that the Houston Texans are gonna rain hell fire from above with Deshaun Watson hooking up with DeAndre Hopkins over and over and over again. The only chance the Colts have is a healthy Brissett, because you don’t want a Sparty leading your team when the rocket show starts.

Pick: Houston

Miami (+9) at Cleveland

Two of the AFC’s bitch boys this season (sorry, sweet Dan, but that’s just what the bitch cards said this time around) are gonna have to figure out which one of them is the shittiest of the shitty, and you can already see the Dolphins players nodding their heads in ruined agreeance waiting to just go back down to Miami and eat the ass out of a Cuban delight or many delights depending on if the Hurricanes win or not. It’s all about sex here at Armchair Linebacker even when it’s about football, which is the thing these two shitty teams are gonna pretend to do. It sucks that Myles Garrett won’t be there to twist off the heads of the Miami players and throw them into the Cuyahoga River which stinks of shit and someone set it on fire which just made the shit stink all the more noxious, but that’s what you get when you do your dirty work in Ohio. I still believe in Baker Mayfield, who just needs the ghost of Kenny Stabler to guide him to glory and I don’t believe in whatever wretched shit heap of a situation they’ve got going down there in Miami, so it’s all Browns this week, and Dan you better be ready to have your home invaded when I drunkenly disembark from an airplane one of these days to show you what a real American looks like as he flops onto your couch and begs you to get high with him and high on Neil which is all anyone could ever need.

Pick: Cleveland

Denver (+5.5) at Buffalo

The Broncos tried and failed to trip up the Vikings last week, which would have been a nice surprise for this Kirk Cousins hating dude, but they fucked it all up and now John Elway has to fight his way down that mile high city with only his horse face to slay the peasants along the way.  The Bills meanwhile got back to business by whipping on the Dolphins and should be able to handle the Broncos. But I’m still not sold on the Bills, my failed city cousins, and I could see Denver behind Branden Allen of all people sneaking up on them this week. It’s a tough call, but I think I’ll stick with the Bills and Josh Allen who is figuring this whole quarterback thing out as he goes and his defense protects him. John Elway can go to hell.

Pick: Buffalo

Pittsburgh (-7) at Cincinnati

The Steelers are still surviving sans rapist quarterback, and I refuse to give any of them credit except for my man Devin Bush, who has a chance to make this team his own on the field and in the locker room. And the Bengals? Well, the Bengals haven’t won one goddamn game yet this miserable NFL season. Can’t really see them making a stand here, you know? Their coach is Zac Taylor, who I think was the President back in the day, but whatever lessons he learned as the Big Dick in DC didn’t translate to this football coach version of him which means that my boy Devin Bush is gonna roll through and he will dirty your ass up along the way.

Pick: Pittsburgh

NY Giants (+7) at Chicago

Two disappointing teams who have let down their churlish fans yet again meet up here, and I don’t have to tell you that this will be ugly as all shit because you knew that already. What you might not know is that the Bears defense still is making a fight of it, which means it’s the only one of four sides in this debacle who have life left in them. Is that enough to sneak a touchdown and field goal and then go to sleep on the Giants? Maybe, maybe not, but there are different shades of shit out there and the Giants is stinkier and smellier than the Bears and it’s a harsh black kind of shit that won’t go down without the help of a plunger and if you’re throwing up right now, I don’t blame you because that shit is fucked, and how dare the New York Giants do that to us here today where we don’t destroy our toilets. I don’t like the Bears, and I certainly don’t trust them to do this right but a shittier shit is a shittier shit, so fuck the Giants and all their shit.

Pick: Chicago

Oakland (-3) at NY Jets

You could make a case that the Raiders and the Jets have always been the twin sons of the AFC landscape all these years, looking across the country at one another with suspicion and contempt, one wild and ferocious, bats out of hell, the other stupid and always getting fucked and broken by the monstrosity of its city. You could make that case, and you’d probably be right, but Kenny Stabler and Joe Namath, both Alabama quarterbacks by the way, aren’t shooting it out with each other and while Snake and Joe Willie get high on some crank they picked up from these girls they got with them on their houseboat which never officially pulls in anywhere, just goes where the wind and the weed takes them, two pathetic quarterbacks will spar for the right to shit on their fans heads first.  The Jets have won two in a row with wins over the other dregs of the league, and the Raiders are still fighting a running battle with their own fans as they prepare to flee to Las Vegas like methed out bikers who can’t pay their child support. But methed out bikers have some fun at least, which the Jets don’t have, being stuck in the shittiest city on this planet with no hope for escape because Joe Willie Namath can’t even get out alive in this MeToo world of ours and he doesn’t give a fuck about the Jets he just wants to kiss somebody. But they’ve all been kissed Joe and these new ones don’t want your kisses, and at least Kenny Stabler had the good sense to stay on the boat with those cranked out girls.

Carolina (+7) at New Orleans

The Panthers just aren’t cutting it without Cam Newton Ric Flairing everyone, and the Saints are about to pull away from the rest of the sorry ass NFC South, which means that this is a pretty easy call for me. I don’t have any colorful stories for you here, or any witticisms that you might enjoy, although I do need to get a Great Willie Young story going somewhere soon here and he likes the dirty south, but I am gonna keep those cards close to my chest, and I’ll just hit you with the boring football prediction.

Pick: New Orleans

Tampa Bay (+3) at Atlanta

Nobody gives a shit about this game, right? Right.

Pick: Atlanta

Jacksonville (+2.5) at Tennessee

Pick: Tennessee

Dallas (+7) at New England

The Cowboys are trash on the road (unless it’s in Detroit, these fucks) and the road is gonna make a stop in Boston or in the general vicinity anyway and the Rictus Grin of Jerry Jones will meet the cold American Psycho face of Tom Brady for control of the NFL, and King Brady usually wins these things and Jerry Jones can fuck off back to Arkansas after he eats a whooping, crying like a little prison bitch with a bruised tail bone from taking all those other bones. Everybody Dies. You just bet you make right with Bubba there as he looms over you in your cell before that day comes.

Pick: New England

Green Bay (+3.5) at San Francisco

The 49ers got back in the good graces of the lord after vanquishing the shitty Cardinals last week, but now the devil comes to town, all while the entire goddamn bay area is on fire and the power companies are cutting people’s power because they’re afraid any electric spark will turn the entire state into a cauldron of hell fire. Welcome to the future, baby, Planet Earth is pissed off at you. Sending winds and typhoons is tough for everybody especially when it’s all on fire anyway. Might as well hope for a typhoon to hit Cali and put out those wildfires. Fuck all the people and creatures there obviously.  And then it’s just up to the goddamn devil to sit down and say he’s home because who doesn’t like a nice hot fire like the devil himself? These are bad energies for the hippies in the Bay Area, who just want to lounge like Tommy Chong before Cheech shows up with the devil as his new sideman in this delirium we call life on planet Earth in the year 2019.  I don’t want to dismiss these new age 49er stars before cruel nature does it for them, but it’s hard to see them standing up to the devil while those very real hell fires burn all around California. I mean, they’re basically welcoming the devil home.

Pick: Green Bay

Seattle (+3) at Philadelphia

A genuine NFC heavyweight fight, which I love. But it seems like the Seahawks are getting looked over here. I know, I know, they do their best dirty work back home and now they have to fly all across the country to a city best known for its haters and its disgusting swarthy hooligans, no offense to my man Tosh who even coked out is still a Spirit Warrior who I’d ride with any day, but the Seahawks seem to be clearly the better team, poised to make another run deep into the heart of the NFL playoffs while the Eagles stop and start and scratch themselves outside Dennis and Mac’s apartment. So sorry boys, the sun isn’t gonna shine in Philly this time around.

Pick: Seattle

Baltimore (Pick em) at LA Rams

The Ravens are just thuggin’ and buggin’ on everyone these days, with the best offense in the NFL and a defense that can back it all up. The Rams are still in the picture, fighting for a Wild Card this time around, but they still have the nucleus of what was the hottest offense only last year. But last year is last year and this year is this year and in this year, the Baltimore Ravens are rolling like King Conan, bringing that Harbaugh steamroller with them. This seems like their year, at least until the Patriots can figure out a way to outshoot them once the playoffs come along. But you have to remember that it was only a couple of weeks ago that the Ravens rolled over even King Brady and Gisele and all her little dogs and Pinay and Pinoy boys and girls who she makes stay with the dogs, living in their shit. And if King Brady and his harem can’t handle the Ravens this year, then there’s really no hope for the Rams. Or for the rest of us.

Pick: Baltimore

The Poorest Choice of All

The living nightmare that is Detroit Lions football was brought to us all once again and let’s just take a moment to reflect on the endless suffering we have had to endure over the years, the decades, the centuries? Sure, fuck it, why not. I mean, you could do what the mocking ghosts of human beings known as commentators did as the game ended in depressing fashion yet again. You know, the oh you’re so close trust the process bullshit, or you could recognize that this is Year Infinity in the maybe next year gibberings, or you could just set fire to the whole fucking stadium and shoot everyone who tries to escape.

Okay, that might be a little harsh, but fuck it, I don’t care. Not after seeing Ford Field get turned into the waiting room for the overflow of all the shittiest Dallas Cowboys fans alive. Not after seeing Jerry Jones, with his rictus I’M GONNA EAT YOUR SOUL grin cackling in his suite or wherever the fuck he was inside Ford Field, surrounded by bootlickers and lost souls. This is the hideous place we find ourselves in today. Cucked by a man with no dick.

This is just wretched nonsense. The entire identity of this Lions team is supposed to be the running game backed up by the defensive genius of Fat Matt and Uncle Paulie, but those are the two places where the Lions are even more apocalyptically shitty than normal, so I don’t know what you fucking want me to tell you. This is all bullshit and I’m not okay with it.

I could natter on about firing the both of them or about selling the team to someone not entranced by the smell of Hitler’s last fart or about razing the stadium to the ground, stripping our clothes off and rampaging through the city like feral apes, hooting and fucking and throwing shit at everyone and everything or about moving across the world to become a Buddhist monk or about suicide pacts or about giving your dick paper cuts and then pouring acid in the wounds, but what is the fucking point? We all know that this is simply life as a fan of the Detroit Lions, an endless suffering that must be some level of hell no one dares talk about.

Jerry Jones just sitting there cooing over his America’s Team that has once again swallowed us in the anaconda jaw of failure and regret and there was nothing anyone could do about it because we are a humiliated people, shamed and broken. They have taken away our dignity and all that’s left to do is to just sit there and try not to make eye contact as these motherfuckers celebrate. I mean, even one of the goddamn team doctors or handlers or whatever the fuck they are was prancing around the sideline is a fucking cowboy hat like his mom had just dropped him off at the Shitty American Jackass Stereotype Dance.

It is all too much to take. I don’t even know what to ramble about here, this idiot space that I have made for myself, where I entertain my idiot friends with my subhuman wit and make you feel like putting your dick into an electrical socket swarming with fire ants. What the fuck am I supposed to say to make sense out of any of this, to try to rationalize it or work it into some hideous narrative, a metaphor for all the worst things in life or whatever the fuck? I don’t fucking know, I’m just the idiot who works here.

All I know is that sometimes in the last haze of a weekend, I fucked up my tailbone in the midst of making some poor choices so I have a literal pain in my ass, my football team is a metaphor for my entire life and I mostly just want to lay in the middle of the street and just fall asleep and let nature take its course.

This is not an ideal condition to be in, especially when I am already tightrope walking sanity and common decency with my poor choices as it is and at some point this just becomes my own damn fault for still caring about this idiot team at all.  I mean, what is there to be optimistic about? There are no feel good stories here, no silver linings to be seen, There is just this endless parade of buffoons and idiots who keep swaggering in and telling us to relax because they know how to fix this while they skid across the floor like a dog dragging his shitty ass over everything and they can all get fucked.

These latest failures are maybe the most hideous yet because they are so goddamn unlikable. A probable rapist who obviously has no self control just by looking at his slovenly obese appearance and a fake tough guy asshole who is trying to mimic The Patriot Way without having any understanding about what that means because he was just a glorified funky when he was there and even if he did know what it means it is a way of sociopathy and hideous contempt for the human soul and so fuck all this, this is worse than Millen to me. He was just a buffoon. These people are evil buffoons, the lowest scum there is.

This is like the 14^th secretary to the secretary etc. to Hitler trying to start a new Reich on some blasted island somewhere, all while a complicit fat piece of shit slurps his pasta like Mussolini and coaches the world into oblivion.

This is not a nice place to be and I welcome napalm death now. I wish for the morning to light up with the glow of fire and chemicals coming to melt the skin off my body as I shrivel away like one of those dudes who looked in the Ark in an Indiana Jones movie. The Lions are a dogshit team with no hope and no future and no past except that there is a past and that is the only thing that is real and it so fucked up and horrible that it renders the concept of a benevolent god a moot point, leaving us all contemplating the idiocy that is fandom and why we care about any of it at all.  I mean, who gives a fuck about any of these idiots? Fuck ‘em all. Set fire to the stadium and shoot anyone who tries to leave.

There is no hope on the horizon. You are a fucking idiot for reading this. I am a fucking idiot for writing this. And so, yeah, that’s all I have left to say to all you ghouls and lady ghouls who somehow still support me and care about the shit I have to say. I may be the best sportswriter alive, but why do I have to waste it on this shithead of a team? This is a question that strikes to the entire foundation of the human problem, in which we are doomed to be fucked over by the very things that should make us great. No one cares and no one wants to read the ether and gasoline tasting words of some idiot who is too stupid to just quit watching this team altogether. I make a lot of poor choices, as evidenced by my fucked up tailbone or coccyx or whatever the fuck it’s called. My tail cock. Okay? I fucked up my tail cock. But even that fucked up tail cock and the poor choices that led to it are nothing compared to the poor choice that is still caring about this goddamn football team at all, which has never done anything nice for me, only taken and taken and taken until I understood that I was doomed to be a fuckup my whole life. This right here is my poorest choice of all and I will see it in hell.