So I fucked up and ran into a time crunch and couldn’t get Gambling With Sanity out, but I promised to make it up to you with a postgame wrap-up for all these fucking games, which in the end is going to amount to pretty much the same thing. So, I’m sorry if you were counting on me for the big score to swindle your bookie or avoid getting your legs broken, but this is like soft serve ice cream vs the hard scoop ice cream, in the end it’s all just ice cream and it’s melting all over the place because you passed out in the front seat of the car watching Johnny’s Little League game, but you managed to stay outside the restraining order’s 100 feet which was total bullshit, Joanne didn’t need to freak out just because your apartment caught on fire with Johnny inside when Brenda’s cigarette smoldered and got out of hand while you were in there fucking, and you put out the fucking fire and the kid never even woke up, so what the fuck is the big deal? It’s tough being a single father these days and what in the fuck am I gibbering about? Let’s talk some football. Well, among other things. Have some ice cream. It will make you feel good.
Cincinnati 24 Jacksonville 21
I debated leaving this out because this is the one game I came through on, but the spirit of this recap or whatever the fuck it is, forces me to include it. Also, how the fuck am I not gonna talk about Urban Meyer being Urban Meyer?
Yes, I feel like I wrote this into existence as I do from time to time, but the thing is, is that Urban gets busted like this everywhere he goes and it never sticks to him. His wife doesn’t give a fuck. I mean… come on. By now, she should be hearing Carmella Soprano’s voice come through her mouth after Tony got caught fucking not just one Russian but a second one and the second one didn’t even have both her legs.
If Lady Meyer hasn’t blown the fuck up at him by now, it’s clear that they are probably in some sort of open relationship where he fucks whatever lonely deer cross the road at the wrong time and she gets off fucking his players or whatever, I don’t know the details, but it’s pretty clear they are both getting their needed fucks and that’s just how they roll, whatever, you know?
This is the House of Carnality that Urban opens wherever he
goes. People get fucked, some ladies get beaten sometimes and, hey, a few might
get murdered. It’s important to find the line here. I mean, middle aged white
dude trying to fuck cheerleaders, go with god, but it’s when it starts to
trickle down to dudes swinging their girlfriends like they are baseball bats or
Aaron Hernandez murdering people because they probably had it coming, that the
whole Urban Meyer fiasco becomes a problem for everybody.
But he always escapes. And he still has that dumbass golden retriever Trevor Lawrence to screw up some more, and while losing on a last second field goal to the Bengals sucks, it actually represents progress for this team. The whole Urban Meyer sideshow might even serve as cover for these dudes to start to get to work. But in the end, they will all end up ruined men, which is the fate that awaits most of us, to be honest. But for now, they are still chasing their betters, and it just so happens that Joe Burrow and the Cincinnati Bengals are their betters, and good for them. I would write more, but fuck, I have fifteen of these fuckers left to go through.
Washington 34 Atlanta 30
Matt Ryan is still out there throwing touchdowns, but the Falcons defense is also still out there fucking it all up for him and anybody else who dared to believe that the Falcons still had some life left in them. It’s a sad scene, really, even sadder than teams that are starting over because this is a team that keeps pretending it’s still a contender.
It’s a lot like the mortgage crisis of, shit, almost 15 years ago? Goddamn. Anyway, people lost their houses and it was savage and grisly, but then you had fuckers like the Falcons here who kept throwing money down a well and leveraging their ass and selling their kids to Arabs just so they could stay another month in their baby mansions built in deserts and places homes weren’t meant to be built, chasing an American Dream which for most folks devolved into the American Nightmare. The Falcons have that kind of energy right now, just desperately chasing next month’s rent when it doesn’t mean a fucking thing and they are doomed to be evicted anyway.
The Washington Football Team is trotting out some dick named Taylor Heinicke at quarterback, and that is just a hateful name, the kind of name you want to see stripped and beaten and left in the fountain in the plaza at the center of town. He’s just some doofus from Old Dominion, which means he is already well versed in the Virginian blood comedy that is Redskins football, where most of their fanbase exists in the Confederacy even though they are allegedly the team of the nation’s capital. It is fitting, I suppose, that they are literally without an identity, and while they may be scraping by with assholes from the local colleges, the day is gonna come when this team needs For Real players. They might win the NFC East because it is trash, a ruined thing, much like the America it strives to represent, but then a guy with a big dick like Kyler Murray will embarrass them in the playoffs.
Buffalo 40 Houston 0
Damn, the Bills weren’t fucking around. They even got Mitch Trubisky’s ruined ass in there for a late touchdown. The NFL isn’t like college, where teams get their backups in during blowouts. But the Bills took the Texans to college and ended up with their backups whipping up on them all the same. It’s both a statement for the Bills, who are probably the best team in the AFC East, with both an offense and defense just laying fools like this out, and a damnation of the Texans who are clearly in a dark place with their rapist quarterback in limbo and no one even knows what the fuck happened to JJ Watt. He just snuck off in the night, getting some distance between himself and this shithole which was once a promising football team.
I mean, there is losing and then there is getting scorched 40-0 like this, which again, isn’t a thing that usually happens in the NFL where everyone is at least allegedly a professional and parity (and parody, I suppose) is a very real thing. The Bills were remorseless in their violence, like OJ rolling up on an ex and a waiter. Kato Kaelin, hiding in the bushes, jacking off to people being murdered. A gruesome scene, and yet, that is the tone the Bills are setting for this season. No remorse. Get some fuckin’ gloves that fit. All of Houston bleeds for justice that will never come.
Chicago 24 Detroit 14
Once again, I edge away from writing an actual Lions piece. This is because they are just a hurtful team, cruel and ugly. I will find the courage to dive in at some point probably, but for now I just can’t deal with this fucking team. They are terrible and will be terrible forever.
The Bears, on the other hand, are making the bold move to make Young Fields their starting QB, but there is no way that this will end up going well because the rest of the NFL are not the Lions and Bears QB’s are always cursed and so are Ohio St. QB’s and Fields is both, so he will almost certainly end up getting his legs eaten by alligators or invest with the Duke Bros from Trading Places and end up homeless sucking dick for a cup of coffee. Horrible, horrible. But that is the world that we live in, and that is just what happens to QB’s who are plagued with this unique junction of Failure Demons.
Dallas 36 Carolina 28
I’m surprised that both of these teams are 3-1. The Cowboys because their defense figured to be ass yet again with Dak Prescott needing wooden legs or whatever the fuck, and the Panthers because, come on, Sam Darnold has no business being a winning NFL QB.
Honestly, this mostly just makes the Jets look bad, but it’s still early and I’m sure Darnold will fall to pieces at some point simply because it is in his DNA. Christian McCaffrey is hurt, which is a death blow to the Panthers offense since he *is* the Panthers offense, so this was almost always gonna be a Cowboys win.
The fucking Cowboys probably don’t deserve it and I can still see this thing falling apart, but they have their toys on offense all going strong, Dak has human legs again and Ezekiel Elliott still hasn’t hit the wall. They might win the NFC East this season, as Jerry’s boys are wont to do from time to time, but like every other time, they will get humiliated in some strange and ridiculous way in the playoffs and Jerry will have to fall back on his other business ventures which involves a whole lot of sadness and ruined brown people.
Indianapolis 27 Miami 17
The Colts finally get a win, which is not the way they really wanted to get the Carson Wentz era going, at 1-3 and staring at the ass end of their shitty division, which they could probably still win because it’s just fucking terrible. I’ll probably get into it more in the Titans game recap, but there is no bottom for this hell of a division. Fuck, Urban Meyer might even get the right blow to his players and steal this one.
Probably not, but that is how bad it is. And speaking of bad, the Dolphins are also 1-3 in a season which people thought they might contend, but nope, it is the same old sorry shit it is year after year down there where the Dolphins legacy is now 50 fucking years old and those old Shula boys are about to start dropping from strokes and whatever other fucked up things were done to their brains in the service of NFL football.
And then when they are all dead, the Dolphins will be left with nothing but the whispers of decades past, like the fucking Lions peering into the deep mists of time to find a team from 1956 or whatever the fuck that wasn’t garbaged ass, and yes, I just made up a word there, but fuck it, this is what happens when you start discussing the queer histories of these fucking teams and their ruined fans.
The POINT is that the Dolphins are in real trouble, not just in terms of their record this season, but in terms of their entire spiritual presence. The gods, or whatever jackass is playing that role these days, have abandoned them, and there is nothing left but… well, tanning on the beach and doing coke with some Cubans with fat asses, so it really can’t be *all* bad, right?
Cleveland 14 Minnesota 7
Thankfully, Kirk Cousins did not escape his doom, and the Browns continue to march on in a redemptive arc that will, if there is any decency in the world, end in parades and people throwing burning furniture into the Cuyahoga River, which is a celebratory thing, a riot of the spirit, but this isn’t a decent world and the Browns story will almost certainly end in defeat and agony, probably with poor Baker Mayfield exposed as a fraud which I don’t subscribe to, obviously, as I still see echoes of Stablerism in there, but the universe is a betrayer and that means this little cocksucker will probably betray me too, and also you, Dan, as you watch with a stiff English upper lip and loose bowels, as if the blitz had come again.
Shit, that was one sentence? Goddamn. Anyway, the Browns won, and it wasn’t necessarily pretty, but Kirk Cousins failed again and what more could we ask from the universe? Well, an awful lot to be honest, but let’s not get greedy.
NY Giants 27 New Orleans 21
Maybe this Daniel Jones jerkoff isn’t that fucking bad, but more likely, he just captured the moment as the Saints sink into the abyss of a post Drew Brees life, which is spiritually more fulfilling, but probably less so in terms of the dollars and cents of winning, which is the grim tragedy we must all reckon with at some point, the battle for the soul that is capitalism and greed culture, punctuated by sniveling snitch-men like Drew Brees, who will sell you out for a dollar and then masturbate as you are tortured by men in black masks who may or may not be your own countrymen, and at a certain point, does it matter? Ugly shit like this knows no country, doesn’t even *understand* the concept of a border.
But the Saints are drowning in the post Brees malaise and also the flood waters which periodically take them to Jesus, and the Giants pretty much just had to be there for it. There is no refuge in the rapey crab legged hands of Jameis Winston, nipping and clawing at you as you shriek at the horror of being sexually accosted by a man with crab hands. It is just another dark place for New Orleans people to turn, only this time there is no Super Bowl glory to wash away their sins, just more misery and dead bodies floating down Bourbon Street while the witches in the French quarter trade souls like baseball cards.
NY Jets 27 Tennessee 24
See, this is what I meant by the AFC South being rancid trash. Tennessee is almost certainly their best team, and yet it is a team that just lost to the fucking Jets in year one of their semi-annual rebuild. That’s just bad news all around. The Titans look weak, and yet who else is gonna win this fucking division? The Colts are 1-3 and are in the midst of a Carson Wentz soul sucking, the Texans have no quarterback, at least one not on the rape list, and no identity other than as the team uselessly flailing while their quarterback jerks off in front of a masseuse with dead eyes because this is just like when she used to give her daddy his back rubs. And then there’s the fucking Jaguars with Urban Meyer leching around and getting his players mixed up in international slaving rings or whatever the fuck, and all the Titans have to do to win this division is not combust horribly like a Pinto on the freeway.
And yet, here they are, losers to the fucking New York Jets, who are a sad trombone of a franchise, and you don’t deserve to win your division if you can’t beat the lowly Jets. But the Titans almost have a moral imperative to win this division so the rest of those fucking degenerates don’t threaten to go viral on America like Covid fucking everyone even during his smoke breaks.
The Jets, of course, are lost and terrible, a soul sucking thing like the Lions, but at least this week their fans got to wear the good track suits and gorge on GABAGOOL or whatever those fucking degenerates are always mumbling about. They don’t deserve to be happy, and they aren’t, but that just means they’ll take out their mean ugliness on society, so at least we have that to continue to look forward to.
Kansas City 42 Philadelphia 30
Man, the Chiefs are playing fast and loose with it this season, aren’t they? The defense doesn’t look too fucking good, and this may be one of those years for a dynasty type team where they need to take a step back and recalibrate before going back on a death run, killing all before them.
Or maybe Pat Mahomes and the boys are good enough to just blow past all that bullshit and carry the Chiefs to another Super Bowl appearance? Who knows? It’s still early enough where both outcomes are viable, and the Chiefs may even be one Tyreek Hill lady beating away from falling apart.
The Eagles tried to get in on this, but they fucking suck so they still lost and gave up 42, because no one else is allowed to eat shitburgers when the Eagles are still crowded around the grill, flipping those turds until they are nice and crisp and ready to eat. The Chiefs will probably be fine, but the Eagles are facing a half decade of squalor and despair. I am calling it now. Sorry, Tosh.
Arizona 37 LA Rams 20
And so the plot twists, as the Cardinals stake their claim to being the best damn team in the west with the best young quarterback in Kyler Murray aka my baby boy aka my fantasy team QB. It is especially striking as a FUCK YOU in the face of Matthew Stafford as he tries to furiously rid himself of Lions Disease and all the Failure Demons that come with it.
It’s okay. I mean, the Rams weren’t gonna go 17-0, but still, the pecking order has been set and the Cardinals of all teams are the ones on top of it. Stafford and the Rams only have one loss still and the fans in LA are generally pretty chill and by that I mean they are flaky and more interested in being seen or sucking the right dick, so Stafford doesn’t have the pressure that he might have if, say, he had to fend off the uncultured swining of mouth breathing NEW YAWKERS and maybe I just made up another word, but fuck it, it felt right.
Stafford was brought in to take this team to another level, though, so it had to be galling to look at the scoreboard at one point in the 4th quarter and the Rams were down 37-13. I mean, that’s a pretty comprehensive ass kicking, and to make things worse for Stafford, he had to watch Matt Prater of all people, his erstwhile kicker, knock field goals through all day for the Cardinals, pushing the lead past the point of recovery for Stafford and the Rams.
It doesn’t have to mean EVERYTHING, but it means something, maybe, that this played out the way it did, and I would hate to see Stafford fail in his redemptive quest, but fuck, that probably guarantees it will happen. At least Kyler Murray is carrying my fantasy team.
Seattle 28 San Francisco 21
The 49ers are fast approaching a precipice that will see them fall to their hideous doom if they do not throw Jimmy G out of the fucking door and to a grisly death. I mean, the two quarterback thing is kinda sorta working, but it can’t last and Trey Lance will have to be given the full reins eventually. For now, the 49ers are 2-2, and so are the Seahawks as they both grapple with already being behind the Rams and Cardinals.
It’s a vicious division, weird in a sense because western attitudes tend to be more languid, at least in the Seattle, San Francisco, LA, Phoenix realm, all cities of transplants, many of whom are chasing this American Dream thing to the bitter end, but that means that the Hates and the Loves are not as deeply entrenched. And yet, you watch a Seahawks game and those people are pretty fucking passionate so who knows what I’m rambling about?
I suppose it’s time to accept that the NFC West is a cauldron of terrible fire, fed by the combined desperations of four cities full of people who just want to Manifest Destiny the HELL out of this life, but who are probably slowly falling behind to get eaten in the mountains by the Donner Party or whoever the fuck is out there with them lips a lickin’ at the thought of man flesh.
Jesus, I barely even know what I am gibbering about, but Russell Wilson and the boys got a much needed victory over a 49ers team whose clock is ticking in terms of their QB issue, and it’s not gonna get any easier for either team in this killer of a division.
Baltimore 23 Denver 7
The Ravens are kind of a wonky team this season, beating the Chiefs yet barely escaping the Lions on an absurd and soul sucking 66 yard field goal. But this isn’t about that fucking game, it’s about this one where the Ravens pretty much just sat on the Broncos and that was that.
It was achingly obvious, maybe for the first time this season, that the Broncos fucked up by not trading for Aaron Rodgers when The Devil was there to make deals with. But they didn’t and are forced to rely on Teddy Bridgewater’s cursed knees and some dickhead named Drew Lock who we can’t be bothered to even talk about. There are women and children reading this for fuck’s sake. (You let your kids read this, right?)
Green Bay 27 Pittsburgh 17
Speak of The Devil… here he is, leading the Packers to yet another win, and at some point it should become obvious that even if The Devil is arguing with management (would that be God? I’m not willing to call the Packers citizen board “God” but here we are.) he is still The Devil and he is still the Mayor of Hell, and he’ll see to your various miseries soon, you fucking sinner.
Speaking of sinners, the rapist Ben Roethlisberger, is finally breaking down, an immobile and frankly disgusting relic of a man, like Treebeard if Treebeard raped the hobbits. His age has long since passed and only his utter degradation can redeem any of it.
Of course, that’s not true because what Roethlisberger is, was and always will be is utterly irredeemable, a cursed thing foisted on society like a drunken letch at a golfing outing or… shit, like Ben Roethlisberger. His era is done, thankfully, but it lasted far, far too long, which is an indictment of our entire society. Then again, so is NFL football.
Tampa Bay 19 New England 17
It is kind of pathetic that the media played this up as a moral victory for the Patriots, which is laughable because Little Bill has no morals, and also he is a fucking ogre and has no soul to be moraled or whatever, I’m just making up words again.
It wasn’t exactly a bravura performance from Tom Brady, but who fucking cares? His team still won and them orphans were still warm from the oven when he got home to his German Brazilian wife who is a supermodel and also looks like a leopard if it was made human. I’m not saying the Bradys are fucking and breeding leopard people, but who knows what goes on there? At a certain point, when you are perfect physically and a millionaire, you get bored and have to try new things, stretch your palate and find yourself balls deep in a big cat. Don’t judge a man for exploring new horizons. He is human, after all. Or maybe not. Probably not. Fuck, I think Tom Brady fingered my cat when we were both young and in Ann Arbor.
Anyway, the Patriots should not feel good about this because they still fucking lost and are 1-3 and, yet again, Little Bill has been exposed as a sad piece of shit who just watched his wife fuck the pool boy or whatever and this is when things got dark in Boogie Nights.
LA Chargers 28 Las Vegas 14
This game was spiritually empty, as anyone who has followed my ramblings could probably foresee. The Chargers are an unwanted child of LA, and they toss babies in the dumpster by the dozen out there, so it’s hard to see the Chargers getting any spiritual life to make a real run at this.
And yet, they are in a better spiritual position than the Raiders, who have abandoned everyone who ever loved them, thrice denying their followers and Oakland like that fucker Peter denying Jesus, and they will continue to thrash around in their desert hell and try to convince everyone that they are the real Raiders, but the Raiders are dead, baby. Ken Stabler dropped off this fucked up earth at age 69 and I am now declaring that the death day for the Raiders as a whole. Fuck them.
It’s hard to overstate how much the Raiders have just fucked their fans over and over and over again, and so we should all be happy when they lose, especially now that they rep the hell that is Las Vegas, an almost literal hell on earth where people willingly go to lose their souls and their kid’s college money because they are addicted to the greed culture which has ruined everyone in the western world and by extension the eastern world once the west boys tried to colonize all of it, and we are all grotesque parodies of who we should be as human beings, of our wasted potential, the vile spit in the face of God and of our own species, who we are supposed to be, who we could be.
But fuck it, maybe we are actually the best versions of ourselves already and are not an inherently noble people, but the shit of the universe, squawking and fighting with each other, greedy little turds abandoned by all gods because who would have us, and maybe that is why the Raiders will probably succeed In their hellscape because they really are America’s Team now, sorry Cowboys, it’s all about opportunism and stealing grandma’s savings in an air conditioned corner of hell, surrounded by a desert filled with Failure Demons and dead people who were stupid enough to believe in the American Dream.
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