Green Bay (+6.5) at Arizona
This is probably the biggest game of the season so far, which The Devil Aaron Rodgers is accustomed to, but it’s new territory for young warrior Kyler Murray who you will remember is my fantasy quarterback, not that I fantasize about quarterbacks and lathering them up and…
Yeah, so this is a big game. The Devil has his territory all scoped out, gonna put a special two way mirror room in there where God and The Devil can just laugh as they trade places until everyone cracks. The point is that The Devil Aaron Rodgers is a giant asshole. (And so is God?)
But there is a new breed coming from some earth shaking in Oklahoma down to Arizona, a crevice in the earth has appeared and out crawls the otherworldly Kyler Murray who knows no devils but the little ones he has surely accumulated being an alpha jock male, but unlike others who make sad and tenuous deals with The Devil, young Kyler is gonna fight that sumbitch.
This is a cross divisional game so there are no ancient hates to be had, but the goddamn Devil is pretty much hated worldwide on account of all the punishment and fires in hell and those fucking insurance commercials. Any time a young Spirit Warrior has a shot at taking down The Devil, we gotta encourage him, or at least hope that he comes through for Neil’s fantasy team.
It’s all gonna go down in the desert, which is appropriate, because that’s what the Devil tried to do to Jesus back in the day, lure him out into the desert for a surprise hell party, but Jesus was like Barry Sanders and juked that evil motherfucker and came back home where everything turned out just great and why are they planting wooden T’s, pa? Never mind, finish your homework, the crucified will be gone in a few days, like taking out the garbage. It’s a public service.
Wait… oh shit, that’s right, there is a football game being played in the desert, where everything is carefully controlled by man’s warring with nature. People aren’t supposed to be here, or at least not comfortable fat white people. This is a hard land and these white motherfuckers are just gonna terraform it so it all looks like suburban heaven USA which is actually hell, and shit, weren’t we just talking about a Devil?
Yes, yes we were, and the Devil is merciless when it comes to soaking that wasteland in blood. He has seen and done many things, shit he fell from a star, the dude is Experienced in a way that may make everything else meaningless because he knows what to do and how to do it, and there’s just nothing you can do to beat him and that’s why he is the motherfucking Devil.
But Kyler Murray is like 12 years old and doesn’t even remember what the fuck that old pastor was gibbering about when he ran out of church to ball with the boys. He sees a white dude who might be a meth dealer, we still don’t know, and is saying to himself “Fuck this, I got Russell and Stafford chasing me, I don’t need this corny looking motherfucker messing up my shit.” Because, right now, the NFC West is very much Kyler Murray’s shit.
He doesn’t need interlopers, even devilish ones, fucking this up for him. The Devil is very comfortable in the desert according to the literature, but Kyler Murray is trying to break a piece away from Hell and find those ancient caves where Apache ghosts still roam and will drop down on a motherfucker, even the Devil, if he doesn’t watch his step.
Sadly, JJ Watt has been maimed and will not get a chance to chase the Devil, which honestly was shaping up to be an easier chore than his last time trying to chase that devil DeShaun Watson from raping everyone. But even with Watt frozen in Carbonite, Kyler Murray is ready for this moment, because this is the time and the game where it will all explode like a supernova and he will have to have a team of priests to guide him through it all.
Or maybe the Devil just fucks one more over. Who knows?
Pick: Arizona
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