Hello, my lovelies, this is me YET AGAIN fucking up and twisting Gambling With Sanity into a postgame thing like an abusive lover and even if I make it feel good, it’s still not right when I fuck with her like this, so I am gonna try not to make this a regular thing and get back on the sober preview racket and… shit, she’s staring at me with two black eyes, I can’t stand it, I’m sorry Gambling With Sanity, I love you baby, but it’s time to fuck again. Or talk about football. Maybe both?
LA Rams 26 Seattle 17
I already did a full Stafford post for this, but now we can catch up and say that yes, dear sweet Matthew has passed an important test. Even if Russell Wilson was dragged by the gods for fucking around on his girl with the new Hollywood pussy he’s been exposed to. That’s not Stafford’s problem, but I will say that Russ fucked up his middle finger which needed surgery and I’m not sure how that’s gonna play out, but maybe he comes back with a fucking claw or something. I don’t know, but Russell Wilson is a Spirit Warrior deep down even though the façade has started to crack and his innards are showing. He’ll be okay because all he’s done in life is win.
But that hasn’t been the case for Stafford, who might as well be Wilson’s evil twin. Well, not evil, but the one that gets all the shit while the “preferred” twin gets all the love and success. Motherfucker might be chained up in Russell’s attic like that episode of The Simpsons, which I think was a Halloween joint. But anyway, Stafford is sick of being chained up there with nothing to do but beat off and watch Marge shower naked, and he has escaped his prison and won a goddamn football game against an allegedly good team. That’s progress.
Atlanta 27 NY Jets 20
Alas, the Jets only get one week to be happy before being grounded by Atlanta who shouldn’t be too proud because they are still a shit team and Falcons can be grounded just as easily as Jets, maybe even easier. That’s because the Falcons don’t have a real defense and their quarterback is 74 years old. I don’t care how many stud tight ends you bring around, because this team is a dying thing and for fuck’s sake, just die already instead of lingering around and making everyone feel awkward because they don’t know if this is the For Real death or if you’re just being a fucking drama queen. Enough, already.
The Jets, of course, are in Year One of a Rebuild, which is what they are in every fucking season.
Green Bay 25 Cincinnati 22
Young Joe Burrow nearly caught The Devil slippin’, but The Devil got his shit together and extinguished the young man’s hope, as The Devil does. I wonder if Rodgers even feels things or if he is just a curious sociopath watching this new kid come around and try to win on his football field. I get that vibe from Rodgers sometimes, who, of course, is The Devil, and also in deeper Armchair Linebacker lore, looks exactly like the sketchy dude that got Raven Mack’s sister into meth. There’s just a lot going on here. How many ways can this Deceiver taunt us with his evil? I bet his actress fiancé hasn’t even seen his dick, which is not an insult, it’s just that The Devil is too busy fucking everyone else over for her to get a turn. Also, Rodgers’ “relationships” always feel set-up by publicists or whatever the fuck to disguise that he is a freak, but fuck it, The Devil’s gonna try to go straight and get a mortgage and a dog. The dog will be Cerberus, but shit even that hell hound is a very good boy, yes he is, and Rodgers lives a charmed existence.
Cincinnati is a team that is right there with everyone else in the fascinating AFC North, but for now they might be the last in line. It depends on what happens with the rapist up in Pittsburgh. Ben something or other. It might be a good time for Joe Burrow to blow that vile fuck right off the field, crumbling into spiders and cum or whatever holds him together thanks to various deals with dark priests. Get a new generation of young QB’s going along with Baker Mayfield and Lamar Jackson and just set that old rapist dinosaur on fire. Somebody has to do it, might as well be the youngest cat in the jungle.
Minnesota 19 Detroit 17
Look… I already unloaded my Lions feelings in another post that you should read if you have not, just click around and find it, you ape, I can’t be bothered to link it or anything. So I’m not gonna write 5,000 words of eternal suffering here, and instead will simply say Fuck Kirk Cousins. That is always a good thing to think and say, and while he fails further, embarrassing his strict Christian parents, there is always the opportunity for a dude like this to become unhinged and start some fucked up church. If it gets him out of the NFL and out of my life, then all the better. Just don’t drink any of that holy water, because it’s all just piss.
Pittsburgh 27 Denver 19
Like I said earlier, someone needs to finish of ol’ Rapeslothberger, but the sorry ass Broncos are not that team. It’s not even the defense’s fault so much as they just don’t have a top tier quarterback. Teddy Bridgewater doesn’t even have any knees. He just scoots around like Eddie Murphy in the beginning of Trading Places when he is trying to pull the ol’ crippled con. But this is not a con, it is just the dire circumstances of the Broncos quarterback situation. It’s a shame too, because it would have been mighty nice to see the rapist torn down by peculiar mountain dwellers. What I’m saying is I wanted to see Ben Roethlisberger get axed by dwarves from The Lord of the Rings.
Tampa Bay 45 Miami 17
Well goddamn, Gisele must have slipped some Uncle Klaus Juice to Brady. (That’s what they call the immigrant children which are rounded up by Uncle Klaus and put into a giant blender for a smoothie or shake to start the day off right.) Because he wasn’t having any of this Miami horseshit with their Cubanos paddling in on rafts. Not in Tom Brady’s America!!!!
This wasn’t even a game so much as an existential pounding that is going to send the Dolphins to dark and low places known usually only to Lions fans. Nothing is working, Tua is a ghost and there is only so much cocaine you can do before your nose falls apart and not only is Tua a ghost, but so are those ’72 Dolphins, haunting the living with their “perfection” which was only 14 games back in the day. That’s all these assholes have going for them, and once those ghosts get busted, what’s left but the mountains of cocaine and regret? Miami deserves better.
New Orleans 33 Washington 22
All this shit with Jon Gruden and now Adam Schefter and whoever the fuck else is gonna be snagged in this come to Jesus moment for the NFL is happening because the NFL is looking into emails from Washington, whose operation is so toxic under Daniel Snyder that THE FUCKING NFL WHO HATES BLACK PEOPLE AND GAYS THINKS IT’S TOO MUCH. I mean, this is like the mafia taking down one of its own because some dude is making too much noise and putting too much on the street for the average jackass to gawk at.
How bad do you have to be for even the NFL to think you are toxic? Jesus Christ, this is a league which just recently blackballed a Black man for being too woke, so how shitty must these emails be??? My God, it’s like Washington uploaded Gotse or two girls, one cup, and the people are fucking shook.
Who knows how far this fucking thing will cascade? Just remember that it all started because Daniel Snyder runs his franchise in a manner which is too odious even for the NFL. It doesn’t even deserve to get a new name, it just deserves to get beat up by the Saints even if THEIR QB is a probable rapist. My God, what a fucking league. What a fucking culture.
Philadelphia 21 Carolina 18
With Christian McCaffrey out, all the Eagles had to do was pick them bones. But of course, they almost fucked it all up. Jalen Hurts even fumbled out of his own endzone giving the Panthers a safety. That is some Dan Orlovsky Lions shit right there. But the Eagles are not the Lions and so they were graced with a chance to make good, and they did, coming back to beat Carolina who, without McCaffrey, have no real reason to even exist.
But don’t talk to any Eagles fan about existential crises, because those poor bastards are being dragged back into the shit by their very nature, ruining and tarnishing the memory of a coked out Tosh celebrating his team’s Super Bowl success. Now they are just losers again and poor Tosh is so devastated he doesn’t even attend to his fantasy football team in our godforsaken league. I just hope he gets to do more coke and fuck real big one day.
Tennessee 37 Jacksonville 19
All credit to Tennessee for doing the right thing and bashing the Jags brains against the rocks. Running Urban Meyer out of town is the only noble thing to do in this fucked up league, and even though the Khans will probably just replace him with Kenny Omega or another of their carnie wrestlers, it will be a better world without Urban in it. Seriously, the dude is like a fucking vampire. He just sucks the goodness out of everything and leaves a rotted out husk. He may even be a dreaded Emotional Vampire, which is what someone once called me because her husband lost his mind and she had to invent a reason to suddenly hate me.
Urban Meyer may very well be an Emotional Vampire, unlike me who is a regular vampire like Dracula and only sucks on the willing. Wait, what the fuck were we talking about?
Oh yeah, I’m glad every time the Jags lose and Meyer’s scandalous ass runs out of places to hunker down when the woke police drive through town. The Jaguars are not a football team, you see, they are part of a fucking circus that involves pro wrestlers and message board posters who are secretly the son of a billionaire, and at some point Urban Meyer is gonna get fired out of a cannon or hit Jim Ross with a chair and become the newest heel manager in AEW. This is how the Benoit story started. Urban has his Nancy, just wait until they dig her up.
The Titans, meanwhile, are just gonna sit on this loser ass division like a shy elephant, not sure if they belong to the playoffs or if someone is just gonna hang them from a crane like that one elephant being hung by a crane picture we’ve all seen. Jesus Christ, what am I rambling about? Am I on cocaine??? Sadly, no. This is just me.
New England 25 Houston 22
Sorry, Little Bill, but it is not really a good sign when you can barely beat a team who have been taken by a hurricane and plagued by a rapist quarterback, which is sadly standard in the league these days. But the Texans are an abject disaster, professionally, morally, and in about any other way you can think of. Unless you are somehow even lower like Urban Meyer in Jacksonville, you have to beat the shit out of this sorry ass team.
But all Little Bill could do was manufacture a squeaker. The Patriots are 2-3 and instead of leading the league in every damn thing, they are crawling on the floor with these reprobates. It is a stunning fall for a team and a man who thrive on Control. It’s clear now that it was Brady who Controlled it all, but Little Bill is just gonna get embarrassed time and again as that truth plays itself out. And for a Control Freak, that is a nightmare, a living hell, and that is where Bill Belichick is these days.
The Texans, of course, are barely a team this season. They should have been relegated and let Alabama move up. Their franchise QB is a fucking fiend who has molested the entirety of the massage community in Texas, even the dudes probably. Their erstwhile face of the franchise, JJ Watt, said fuck this and retired to Arizona like an old mob boss who can’t go home. It is just an epic freefall for a team that has never felt authentic, just a soulless corporate whore servicing a major market. And yet, they are still more likable than the fucking Cowboys.
Chicago 20 Las Vegas 9
Of course, this is all overshadowed by Jon Gruden getting cancelled. It probably shouldn’t shock anyone that a man who is essentially a Prototype Jock would throw some hurtful words around and hate on anyone who wasn’t “normal”, but here we are, with Gruden being scrubbed from history, and again, to be exiled by the NFL means you are truly a piece of shit.
Actually, the NFL is so fucked up that they exile both heroes and villains. You can’t be part of the NFL if you’re too woke, but you also can’t be part of the NFL if you aren’t woke enough. It’s a fucked up thing to see dudes dropping left and right, and Left and Right, as the NFL mirrors our fucked up society with its torches and pitchforks, stringing anyone up who does not conform to Today’s Lesson.
These dudes should be called out for being assholes. I mean, I have also written and said some, uh, questionable things through the years but they’re not gonna find my email littered with N bombs and the word the English use for cigarettes. Assing around on a message board is one thing, but email is basically real life, and if you’re firing off all The Hits in your inbox, then you’re probably doing even viler shit when there’s nothing around but You and Hate.
Still, this will all go sideways and dudes are gonna get tarred and feathered for shit they did in college that we all already knew about. I mean, we knew who Warren Sapp was all along, right? It’s disingenuous to turn around and play the fainting fawn who never even imagined people did bad things. Part of being woke is accepting that the world is really fucked up, and people do fucked up things in it, and forgiveness is a Very Real thing. And so is Not Putting Up With Some Asshole’s Shit Anymore. We all have to find a way to live in between those two concepts.
LA Chargers 47 Cleveland 42
Hot damn! This is the future, and these are the teams that are going to be the new Chiefs. Obviously, I’m sad that Baker Mayfield couldn’t find a way to slither to victory like Kenny “The Snake” Stabler did back in the day, but like the loss against the Chiefs, this actually shows that the Browns are for real and can fight fire with anyone.
Of course, at some point you do need to start winning these damn games, especially if you want to run that rapist out of Pittsburgh already. But the Browns seem poised to find a spot somewhere in the playoffs, where they can draw fast and shoot all them guns at Buffalo or Kansas City and hope that they find flesh with their bullets.
But the Chargers might be a team that swoops in and wrecks all those plans because maybe they have secretly found the best of these young quarterbacks. I don’t necessarily believe this, but Justin Herbert has been showing out and this can not be denied. The kid is on pace for over 40 TDs and a buttfucking load of yards. He might be the next One while everyone else is busy sucking off the dudes who are supposed to be The One.
I like games like this early in the season because they tend to frame the story of the season. Young teams with guns all a blazing, all you need is the Bon Jovi score and you’ve got a movie. Or at least a fun football game, which is nice to have every once in a while before the NFL finds a way to suck all the fun out of it.
Dallas 44 NY Giants 20
Poor Daniel Jones was concussed and now must be cradled like an egg or until Coach K runs off all those football players at Duke so he can turn it all into a laboratory where he breeds 7 foot pterodactyls and pays all their uncles off in blood diamonds from Africa.
But this is not about Duke basketball, this is about Daniel Jones having his brains addled and what that means for the Giants. To be honest? It doesn’t mean that much because the Giants were already losers anyway, this is just a way to keep the misery going strong, with angry New Yawkers/New Jersey Devils calling in to sports radio to blast their airhorn voice like Tony Soprano screaming at Christopher after he fucks up yet again.
The Cowboys, of course, are evil incarnate, run by a man who is a slumlord of the soul in Jerry Jones, who is like a Texas version of Tony Soprano, only dumber and meaner. He is deeply entrenched in the NFL, not just the Cowboys. He is probably the most powerful man in the league which is depressing as hell because he is a cartoon villain, a flashy smile followed by a foot up the ass and endless grifting. He could probably serve as the head of one of those mega-churches, and to be honest, that’s basically what the Cowboys are, an NFL megachurch in which there are no saints, only depraved sinners. But the Cowboys will win the division and Jerry will smile his raccoon smile and then the Cowboys will get blasted out of the playoffs by the Rams or Packers. This is just the way things are.
Arizona 17 San Francisco 10
Another week, another win for my beautiful baby boy, Kyler Murray. The Cardinals of all teams dropping their nuts on everyone and declaring themselves the NFC West Alpha is probably shocking to most people. I mean, this is a division with Stafford and Russell Wilson and the 49ers have a new toy QB who is supposed to change the whole fucking game, but Kyler Murray doesn’t care, he just flames one team at a time.
Okay, to be fair, this was really a good defensive game for the Cardinals, who are gonna have to play out their asses on that side of the ball to stop Stafford and Russell Wilson once he comes back with that claw middle finger. Beating up on the 49ers with their new toy Trey Lance is nice, but that’s just a warmup for the shootouts to come.
But it is somewhat significant to beat the kid before he can get his confidence going. It seems like the 49ers are ready to give Jimmy G a free trip to whatever exotic land that will have him as they turn the team over to their project. It probably dooms the 49ers to last this season because, come on, look at the other dudes and teams in this division, but they had to do it eventually, might as well get it out of the way. I look forward to years of Kyler Murray and Trey Lance dueling in the crumbling vista that is the American West,
Buffalo 38 Kansas City 20
Shit! This was a changing of the guard kind of game. The Bills are now the big dick in these parts, which should go okay, at least until they run into a Super Bowl or their wife having dinner with a waiter. But Josh Allen has stepped to the Pat Mahomes table and made himself at home, which is still surprising to me since this dude was just a mediocre college quarterback at fucking Wyoming, not exactly the cradle of greatness.
But he has gotten better and better and now might be making a run at that Alpha spot, at least the one next to Tom Brady, who will reign supreme until a Brazilian tactical team raids his compound, and even then he will probably just bribe the fuckers or turn Uncle Klaus’ Child Soldiers on them. Who knows? The point is that everyone assumed it would be Mahomes, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe it is Josh Allen, the former Wyoming Cowboy, and if this keeps up, Brian Daboll can probably write up his head coaching contract wherever he wants to go.
The Chiefs, meanwhile, are in a bad spot. They clearly, CLEARLY, are not the Super Bowl team of yore, especially defensively. Maybe this is a season for Mahomes to fake an injury and then retool for next year. Or maybe the league has caught up to what the Chiefs are doing. I don’t know. But what I do know is that the Chiefs probably aren’t coming out of the AFC for the Super Bowl, which leaves various Bills and Baker Mayfields with a chance to become legend.
Baltimore 31 Indianapolis 25
Baltimore was down 22-3 and came back to steal this one from the Colts, which I guess is Baltimore’s revenge for the Colts fleeing town for the cornfields of Indiana. But those are all old ghosts that these players probably don’t even know about, and in this year of our lord 2021, Lamar Jackson is still changing the game with Baltimore and Carson Wentz is still shitting his pants even after getting out of Philadelphia where they were about one day away from throwing rocks at him.
The Ravens have had kind of a weird start to the season. They’re good, but they are also just a few misplaced footsteps away from disaster, having to come back from being way down in this game, and needing ludicrous field goal magic to beat the fucking Lions. But it almost always feels this way with Baltimore, who are prone to blowing good teams out and then laying a stinker the next week against some chode. It is a very Harbaugh thing, which I am more than familiar with given Jimmy running wild at Michigan like an autistic kid who escaped from his parents for a day.
The Ravens will always be there, playing a style of football that is both out of time and perhaps ahead of its time, a weird mixture of old school brawling in the trenches and new school quarterbacks running wild like escaped cheetahs. And, of course, the defense is almost impermeable now, a legacy handed down from Ray Lewis and Ed Reed and Terrell Suggs to whoever the new dogs are going to be. It is a winning culture, something that the Colts can only look at and sigh in dreamy moments, looking back at Baltimore like Gatsby watching the green light across the water.
No comments:
Post a Comment