Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Gambling With Sanity: Week 16


The sun is setting on yet another season of NFL football. Men have been concussed, women have been beaten, lizard men have flicked their forked tongues into the deepest places of our souls, and the Lions have lost a bunch of goddamn football games. It’s been the worst of times . . . and the worst of times. So let’s do it again. Last week, I went 8-8 bringing my overall record to 87-101-10, but I do want to make one point here: straight up, with point spreads thrown out, I’ve actually done a really good job, but that is not how the evil men of Las Vegas feel, and forget about what I just said because it feels like a loser begging on his knees that he can get the money next week or some shit just so they don’t break my thumbs. Anyway, the fine folks at VegasInsider.com would never do that to me, not after I spent an entire season plugging their site for no reason other than the vain hopes that they’ll somehow see this and offer me some pity money or maybe 25% off at the Bunny Ranch or whatever the fuck, not that I’d be into that because that shit is honestly pretty gross and they won’t even let you strangle the hooker after and bury her in the desert after dissecting her in your basement. Anyway, let’s get to the football.


Washington (+10) at Dallas

Once upon a time, my boys Raven Mack and Paul would have been really into this game, but now neither one of them even cares, and I doubt they’ll even know what happens. This is because they’ve both been driven from football by the very things that these two insipid franchises represent, and I don’t just mean in football terms either, but in the cultural things that they both stand for. They are both the teams of lizard-men greedhead owners, and represent larger fanbases that are both despicable stereotypes of America at its worst: in Dallas’ case, they are all fake Cowboys or brainwashed normies who decided to cheer for Dallas because they were always on the teevee and the rich folk said they’re America’s Team Yeeee-Hawwwww, and in Washington’s case, they are literal pigs, fat pieces of shit with snout noses who snort and grunt and oink their way through a game while representing a city that has no permanence, no roots, other than the transitory ambitions of plastic alien men and women putting in their time in the hopes that they can get some kickbacks from a big bank or two. This game is hell on earth, a metaphor for the ugly corruption of the American Dream and the perverse fall of Man from the Garden lo those many eons ago. There are no winners here, only the tears of a betrayed and ruined species.

Pick: Dallas


Baltimore (+4) at L.A. Chargers

I’ll admit, I’ve been really slow to get behind the Chargers, but that’s because they always fuck it up. And they’ll do it again this year too. You can’t trust Philip Rivers. You just can’t. The motherfucker looks like one of the bad guys from Animal House or some shit. Dudes won’t rally behind an asshole like that when things get their grimmest. Still, the Chargers have somehow climbed to the top of the AFC heap this season, and might even grab home field for the entirety of the playoffs. Not that this will help them much, because no one in L.A. really gives a fuck about them. It’s sort of a trap: they can’t stop being the Chargers until they prove that they’re not, and they can’t prove that they’re not because, well, because they’re the Chargers. People see that, they understand it on an instinctive, primal level, and people in LA especially aren’t gonna fall for that. That’s because LA people either need a team like the Raiders to get behind, someone the South Central and East LA boys can both ride with, or they need a winner, a team like those 80s 49ers teams, for all the fake-ass shine-faced Hollywood types to get behind. Those people are gonna cheer for the Rams now, and the poorer folks are just gonna watch soccer now so fuck it, the Chargers are spiritually doomed.

Pick: Baltimore


Tampa Bay (+7) at Dallas

lol . . . well, shit. I just double checked and saw that Dallas is playing Tampa Bay this week and Washington is playing Tennessee, but I’m not going back and changing this shit because 1. that would violate the precepts of New Writing, and 2. what I said is still true regardless of the false football “truths” that are trying to trip me up. You see, football is the devil. Anyway, fuck it. The Redskins are still gonna lose their game and the Cowboys are still gonna win theirs, so what, in the end, is the difference? Fuck off.

Pick: Dallas


Atlanta (-3.5) at Carolina

This has kind of been a sad season for both teams, but in different ways. The Falcons never really got going in the first place, doomed by a shit defense and by the whole Falcons thing where they are never consistently good from year to year. Next season, they’ll probably win the damn division, but this season is a total loss. The Panthers, on the other hand, just sort of collapsed after a decent start, but in retrospect it was probably something of a mirage. Cam Newton’s arm is completely fucked, the team is firing coaches and the whole thing sort of feels like a situation where everything has to be blown up. They either need to put a bullet in Cam behind the barn, or sell him to some other fat white dude who will literally poke and prod him and check his teeth and shit like they do to the rest of the young merchandise at the NFL Draft Combine every year. lol this league is so fucking dark.

Pick: Atlanta


Jacksonville (+4.5) at Miami

It’s the battle of Florida, but not really. Miami and Jacksonville represent parts of Florida that are so vastly different that it feels wrong and fucked up to treat them like parts of the same state. Miami is all cocaine and Cubans and beaches and thongs…th…thongs thongs thongs. Meanwhile, Jacksonville is basically South Georgia, or maybe East Alabama, just a Southern Trash City that is at its core desperate and broken. This is a place that breeds the frenzied freebird soul of Lynyrd Skynyrd, a Kenny Stablerish wild-hair kind of rebellion that is at its heart conflicted and proud of itself, but also a place that breeds a sort of fucked up funhouse mirror of the same thing, a soulless strip-mall mentality bereft of hope, shorn of dignity, in a backwards baseball cap raised on MTV and failure called Fred Durst. It’s a city of people that dream to escape but they never can because the city’s stank is always with them. It’s too depressing to think about.

Pick: Miami


N.Y. Giants (+9.5) at Indianapolis

The Colts are sort of a hoboish version of the Chargers in that I’ve basically written them off but here they are hanging around still. I don’t think they’re any good, but there might actually be some redemption for Andrew Luck. On the other hand, they seem like exactly the sort of team that’s just gonna fuck it all up and fold as soon as people start to get expectations, and this line seems absurdly big.

Pick: Giants


Houston (+2.5) at Philadelphia

The Eagles upset the Rams last week, and is that a team getting ready to make one last push or is it one last gasp of pride as they remember that they’re the champs? I don’t know. They haven’t been able to get it together all season, and everybody just keeps kind of waiting for them to get there, but there’s literally only two games left and they are who they are at this point. Yes, they beat the Rams, but I think that’s more about the Rams being in kind of a weird funk right now than the Eagles reasserting themselves. In the end, you just have to go with what you know, and that’s that Philadelphia will always, when up against the wall, completely and totally fuck itself.

Pick: Houston


Minnesota (-5.5) at Detroit

Listen, I’ve pretty much already damned and then eulogized the 2018 Lions so there’s little to be said there. The Vikings, on the other hand, deserve to be pointed at and laughed at because lol man did they bet on the wrong dude. Kirk Cousins walked into a situation just begging for a quarterback to take it all the way. This is a quarterback’s dream, but it’s also the sort of situation where a quarterback can’t hide. There are no excuses, no copouts. Whoever was the Vikings quarterback had to win because it was set up for him. But Kirk Cousins hasn’t done shit. He’s gonna end up with the same fucking team he had in Washington. It’s the ultimate indictment of his corny ass. This is Who He Is, and the evidence is damning and irrefutable at this point. Still, the Lions are the Lions.

Pick: Minnesota


Green Bay (-3) at N.Y. Jets

It feels weird that the Packers are pretty much just playing out the string this season. It’s over for them, and even though Aaron Rodgers was named to the Pro Bowl again, this has probably been his worst season. You can’t tell it from the stats necessarily, but the dude just looks miserable out there. He’s still the devil and the devil is gonna get his, but man, this dude does not want to be out there for this team. The fans have picked up on this too and a few have started to turn on him, which is fucking insane, but that is life in the Big Time, Bubba. Not that Green Bay is the Big Time, but I mean in NFL terms it kind of is, and also because Green Bay is so ridiculously small, everything about the Packers is magnified. This is the only thing those miserable bastards have to care about so of course they’re all gonna be up Aaron Rodgers’ ass 24/7. I can see the dude wanting to get out, maybe going back to California to finish things out, shoot insurance commercials 6 days of the week and stroll in on Sundays to throw meaningless touchdowns for the 49ers or some shit. That’s how this all ends for Aaron Rodgers, and maybe that’s closer than anyone thought. Please let this be true. Please let this be true. Please let this be true.

Pick: Green Bay


Cincinnati (+8.5) at Cleveland

lol look at the Browns swinging that dick around. All 5.5” of it. But shit, 5.5” is a lot to work with when you’ve spent your whole life with a baby dick man-clit down there, just furiously jacking away with two fingers, flicking the ol’ bean like a woman. Anyway, the Browns may have actually finally found their way out of hell. They aren’t anywhere near heaven yet, but fuck it, who among us, amirite? Anyway, Dan, I’m glad you at least can get your whole hand around your dick now.

Pick: Cleveland


L.A. Rams (-14) at Arizona

“Beware false crownings.” That was my most prescient line from that ill-fated Haiku abomination last week. I could sort of sniff this out. The Rams were almost impossibly explosive and there comes a point where you sort of let down and then you realize it’s harder than you thought to get it back. In other words, the Rams peaked too early. It happens. They can still probably get it back, but that shit isn’t easy to do. Beating the piss out of the dogshit Cardinals is a good place to start, but to be honest, I’m not really sure if that’s true. The Rams almost need a real test, a backs against the wall kind of game to force them to step their shit up. They can sleepwalk through this game, which means that one more week will go by and if they’re not careful they’re gonna run out of time and get got by some half-shitty wild card team.

Pick: Rams


Chicago (-4) at San Francisco

The 49ers have struggled out of the muck and now lay quivering and exhausted in the reeds. They didn’t drown, which is good, but there’s still a long way to go and there’s every chance that they’re just gonna be pecked to death by a seagull or some shit anyway, so fuck it. The Bears, meanwhile, have made this their year, which they do every 6 or 7 years in between sufferings. They probably aren’t gonna win anything important because come on, but still, good for them, I guess. Listen, I have always hated the Bears so this is as good as it gets from me.

Pick: Bears


Pittsburgh (+5.5) at New Orleans

This should probably be a fun game to watch. I mean, if you ignore that one quarterback is a degenerate rapist who one woman said she felt more uneasy around than Donald fucking Trump, while the other is a torture advocate. lol what a league. Still, people will put that out of their minds because that is what people do and unless there is video footage or unless the woke brigade decides to march on the town square no one will give a shit. This is the shallow, ridiculous world we live in these days. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Pick: New Orleans


Kansas City (-2.5) at Seattle

The Chiefs are pretty much the mirror of the Rams in that they peaked too soon, but in their case, I think the Kareem Hunt thing fucked them up more than people thought it would. I mean, yeah, he was an important part of their offense, but I think people just sort of expected Pat Mahomes to throw bombs while everyone hooted and beat their wives in celebration, Kareem Hunt easily dismissed and forgotten. But it hasn’t really worked out like that, and who knows if the Chiefs can really get it back? As it is, they might have to settle for a wild card thanks to the Chargers unexpected palace coup which takes Arrowhead out of the equation for them and probably dooms them to yet another playoff disappointment. This is truly an Andy Reid team after all.

Pick: Seattle


Denver (-2.5) at Oakland

Two old and bitter rivals playing in Oakland for the last time. Naturally, the game is completely meaningless beyond that and both teams are of shit. Life is rarely a song, hardly a coherent story. It is usually just a mess of fucked up coincidences that ends with some rich asshole ruining your life. At least Oakland fans can finally be free of this wretched cycle of abuse. That is something. I mean, I guess.

Pick: Denver


Buffalo (+13) at New England

I’ve had a lot of fun with Tom Brady this season, but the truth is that the whole cold souled serial killer thing only works if the dude continues to be inhuman and sadly, this season, at time anyway, Tom Brady has actually looked . . . old? Yes, it pains me to say it because, all the bullshit aside, I have been a ride or die Tom Brady dude since his years at Michigan (Go Blue) but time is a bitch and she comes for us all. Tom is only a year older than me, so this one is especially poignant. I mean, he has kind of been a generational touchstone for me going back to the Michigan years. I have followed this dude since he was a literal teenager. Since we both were literal teenagers. To know that the end is at least peaking over the horizon, maybe still a ways off but definitely there, years and years and countless memories behind us both if we dare to look back, is kind of depressing. But what the hell, Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time, he’s won a shitload of titles and will be remembered forever. And I . . . well, I’m a junkie who can never get his shit together, an ocean of promise and talent sabotaged by a complete lack of hustle or will to play the sort of soul dick suckery games that can get me noticed by the People That Matter. But fuck all that. You Matter. I Matter. Everything else is just a soul con. It’s been a hell of a run for Tom Brady, and when I look back on my own shit, I realize that I have blazed a fucking wild trail of gibberish and also had an impact, if not for my own benefit, then for a lot of dudes and lady dudes who have taken what I’ve done and maybe let a touch of it bleed into their own art or their own way of looking at the world. I am not a “success” artistically by any conventional means. Hell, I am an utter failure by that metric, but I don’t have thousands and thousands of followers who only sort of like me. I have a handful, though, a large handful, maybe even an armful, who love my stupid ass, who know that, like Tom Brady, I am the goddamn greatest of all time. Fuck the rest.

Pick: New England


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