Gambling With Sanity: Week 14

I considered blowing this off again this week, which isn’t a good sign, but the season has been dark and full of terrors and the fire in my heart is out. And yet, I know that there are 6 people out there who still are into this, and I am easily shamed thanks to both a Catholic upbringing and a monstrous ego. Anyway, I will try to make this good (when is it ever lol? *puts gun in mouth*) but no promises (this is also what I tell every woman I get down with) Lines, as usual, come from the mobsters at VegasInsider.com, and as usual, they ignore me like everyone else. Oh, also, I went 7-9 last week to bring my total to 73-83-10 as we wallow in mediocrity and the meaningless of existence.

Jacksonville (+4.5) at Tennessee

The Jags somehow won 6-0 last week, which is about as boring as things get. I mean, I know I said that I hate those 54-51 type games, but come on, life is all about balance. More interesting (for a given definition of interesting, anyway) is that wrestler Cody Rhodes (for a given definition of wrestler anyway) was in the Jacksonville owner’s box (his private suite, not his wife’s vagina) because apparently Khan, Jr. is gonna be Cody’s new money mark for a new wrestling fed which lololol. To be fair, though, Jacksonville getting involved in pro wrestling just makes sense. Maybe they can get Fred Durst to help out. He has a lot of 2000 era WWE experience after all. What does any of this have to do with football? Absolutely nothing, unless you factor in the whole XFL of it all. Remember, Vince McMahon is bringing that shit back to compete with the NFL, so you have to wonder if maybe the Khans are getting into this thing just to fuck with him. Read this whole paragraph again and tell me the world isn’t dumb as fuck.

Pick: Tennessee

Baltimore (+6.5) at Kansas City

It was pretty funny to see RG3 playing quarterback for the Ravens last week. It was even funnier to hear the announcers go on and on about how he was a changed man, humbled by the brutalities of the NFL, as if it this were a good thing. His spirit and dignity have been utterly stripped away, his body ruined, his heart broken, but goddammit at least he can’t look folk in the eyes anymore. Another NFL success story.

Pick: Kansas City

Indianapolis (+4.5) at Houston

At some point, the Titans quietly became pretty good. Their offense is clicking and they still have JJ Watt roiding his way through the league (please don’t sue me) and the Colts just lost 6-0 to Jacksonville, so this is a pretty easy call. This means the Colts will probably win because lol fuck Neil. I get it, universe. I get it.

Pick: Houston

Carolina (-1.5) at Cleveland

Carolina is panicking. They’re starting to fire coaches and nobody really trusts Cam Newton. He couldn’t even throw the Hail Mary at the end of the game last week because his arm is fucked. It’s hard to see them turning this shit around. Funniest to me is that one of the fired coaches in Brady Hoke, which is the third straight job in three years that he’s been fired from ever since being chased out of Ann Arbor by my fellow Wolverine freedom fighters. Fuck that fat idiot. Sorry for not talking about the Browns here, Dan. I know this is the only part you read now thanks to Neil fatigue. These things happen. I get it. I . . . *stares into the distance and watches as the sun sets on both an indifferent world and my heart* I get it.

Pick: Cleveland

Atlanta (+5.5) at Green Bay

This looked like a big game once upon a time, but now it’s just a game between two loser shitheads. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve even seen Packers fans turning on Aaron Rodgers which lol what? They finally got rid of Mike McCarthy and if there was any justice this would finally be The End for these fucks. I doubt it will be, but who knows? The Ol’ Cockslinger isn’t walking out of that tunnel and Aaron Rodgers might just say fuck it and make Allstate commercials with his dead ass eyes and then what do they have? Not a goddamn thing. That feels good to say, but we both know that Aaron Rodgers will rise from the dead after sucking a soul from a baby’s dick and all of this will have been forgotten. Fuck it all.

Pick: Atlanta

New Orleans (-8) at Tampa Bay

It was kind of shocking to see the Cowboys shut the Saints down last week, and the Bucs did beat the Saints in week one, so who knows? But that was back when Ryan Fitzpatrick was channeling his inner Stabler, and Tampa Bay’s defense isn’t exactly up to the challenge. The best thing you can say about Tampa Bay is that they have the capability of shooting it out here, but that just makes the 8-point spread even more reasonable. I mean, 8 points in a defensive struggle is huge. 8 points in a shootout is nothing. Still, it’s always dangerous to back New Orleans because, let’s face it, as lovable as that city is, it’s not exactly known for having its shit together. One day, you’re beating the Rams, the next you’re wandering through the floodwaters with a bucket full of looted Heineken. That’s just life. Especially for New Orleans. But I’m still gonna back them because fuck it and fuck you. Let’s roll, Heinie.

Pick: New Orleans

N.J. Jets (+3) at Buffalo

Being an underdog to the Bills is some dark shit, but that’s how bad the Jets are this season. *Goes back and watches week 1* Oh . . . oh, I see. Anyway, remember this when the Bills beat the Lions.

Pick: Buffalo

L.A. Rams (-3) at Chicago

The Rams weren’t that impressive against the Lions. I mean, they still won by 14, but it was only 16-13 in the 4^th and the Lions defense was actually handling its business against the wild-hair Rams. The funniest part about the whole game though was seeing how badly Ndamukong Suh wanted to show-up the Lions in his return. He fucked up every opportunity because that’s who he is, but I laughed at loud when he tried to scoop and score a Lions fumble. I mean, no one in history has ever wanted a moment so bad. Lions fans chanting SUHHHH every time he fucked up was a nice touch.

So, it’s tempting to go with the Bears here, but my man Beren (of Tolkien fame) told me the Bears would fuck up against the Giants last week, and they did, and you can’t forget that the Bears are like Suh. They will fuck up the more they want it because that’s who they are. Mitch Trubisky is probably coming back, but so what? The Bears aren’t winning shit.

Pick: Rams

N.Y. Giants (-3.5) at Washington

Washington’s season is over. Alex Smith is dead and that’s that. Meanwhile, the Giants beat the Bears but that was more about the Bears own Failure Demons than anything else. The most interesting thing about this game are the highlights of Joe Theismann getting his leg snapped in half by Lawrence Taylor back in the day. The NFL would be a lot more fun if you could give guys dragon screw legwhips Great Muta style again. Or maybe spray green mist in their faces. America has become a bitch.

Pick: Giants

Denver (-5) at San Francisco

Do you know what the 49ers record is ever since they dumped Jim Harbaugh? 15-45. lol good call, idiots.

Pick: Denver

Cincinnati (+14) at L.A. Chargers

The Chargers are like the Bears in that their own inner Failure Demons are gonna fuck them. You just don’t know when it will happen. But the Bengals are in free-fall now. This has to be it for Marvin Lewis, right? Andy Dalton is out, everything just feels hopeless and it remains amazing to me that the Bengals let Marv come back for another year even after he fucking quit. I mean, why does this idiot even have any say in his own employment? What has he done that makes the Bengals grovel and say yes sir, I’d like some more as he shovels his shit in their mouths year after year? The fucker quit! And they let him come back! At this point, they deserve what they get.

Pick: Chargers

Philadelphia (+3.5) at Dallas

Of course the Cowboys are gonna be overrated after beating the Saints. That’s why the Cowboys are the Cowboys. They haven’t even made a conference championship game in 23 years and yet people always treat them with some weird deference, as if this year is finally the year they get back to being HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS HUR HUR HUR. It ain’t gonna happen. Jerry Jones is a fucking loser and so is his team.

Pick: Philadelphia

Pittsburgh (-10.5) at Oakland

The Raiders are playing for the number one pick and for Las Vegas now. Their fans all know it and are abandoning them. Check that: the Raiders abandoned them and now their fans are just discovering their self-respect. The funny thing is that they’re just gonna end up drafting JaMarcus Russell again and in a few years Jon Gruden will be back announcing Monday Night Football and Mark Davis will probably be buried in the desert. I hope they try to slink back to Oakland again only to get run out at the state border by a horde of angry bikers and Mexican tow-truck drivers.

Pick: Pittsburgh

Minnesota (+3) at Seattle

It’s kind of funny to watch Vikings fans slowly realize who Kirk Cousins is. Every Redskins fan could have told them this shit, but all they saw were dumb Super Bowl dreams. Meanwhile, Seattle was supposed to be rebuilding but they’re gonna get into the playoffs again. All of this is a stark reminder of the clarity truly great quarterbacks bring you. Dudes like Russell Wilson just go out there and win. Dudes like Kirk Cousins (or someone else I won’t name here) always have an excuse. You can’t seriously argue that the Seahawks have a better team than the Vikings. If Russell Wilson played for the Vikings and had dudes like White Jesus Thielen, they’d be running away with the NFC North. Meanwhile, if Kirk Cousins played for the Seahawks, Pete Carroll would be making calls trying to get his USC job back. Sometimes, it’s that simple.

Pick: Seattle

New England (-7.5) at Miami

Some quotes from Tom Brady’s new autobiography:

“There wasn't a clear, identifiable emotion within me, except for greed and, possibly, total disgust. I had all the characteristics of a human being— flesh, blood, skin, hair— but my depersonalization was so intense, had gone so deep, that the normal ability to feel compassion had been eradicated, the victim of a slow, purposeful erasure. I was simply imitating reality, a rough resemblance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind functioning. Something horrible was happening and yet I couldn't figure out why— I couldn't put my finger on it.”

“Reflection is useless, the world is senseless. Evil is its only permanence. God is not alive. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface, surface was all that anyone found meaning in...”

“But even after admitting this — and I have, countless times, in just about every act I've committed — and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new understanding can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this.”

“I see a ten-year-old girl standing by her mother, who is buying a scarf, some jewelry, and I’m thinking: Not bad. I’m wearing a cashmere topcoat, a double-breasted plaid wool and alpaca sport coat, pleated wool trousers, patterned silk tie, all by Valentino Couture, and leather lace-ups by Allen-Edmonds.”

“There is an idea of a Tom Brady, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.”

“I’m utterly insane and I like to dissect girls.”

“She’s barely gained consciousness and when she sees me, standing over her, naked, I can imagine that my virtual absence of humanity fills her with mind-bending horror.”

 

“In the kitchen I try to make meat loaf out of the girl but it becomes too frustrating a task and instead I spend the afternoon smearing her meat all over the walls, chewing on strips of skin I ripped from her body, then I rest by watching a tape of last week’s new CBS sitcom, Murphy Brown.”

 

“There’s no use in denying it: this has been a bad week. I’ve started drinking my own urine.”

 

Pick: New England