On we go, a depressed and debased people looking for answers
from someone, anyone, desperate enough even to turn to the deranged ramblings
of someone like me, horrible, horrible . . . but these are the times we live in,
and to be fair, I did go 9-4-1 last
week, which brings my overall record to 45-55-9, so don’t give up on me yet,
just as I have never given up on you even all those times you fucked around on
me with my best friend and you both said you were sorry and I believed you because that’s just how
good a heart I have even though after a certain point that’s all on me, and a reflection
of a deeply flawed human being who probably drove you into each other’s arms in
the first place, and if I had any dignity at all, I’d shave your head while you
were sleeping and piss in his gas tank, but thankfully I don’t have any dignity
and so on we go. As usual, these lines are from the VegasInsider.com consensus
and as usual, they continue to ignore my pleas for sponsorship, which I means I
should take vengeance on them too, but there are only so many heads I can shave
in the middle of the night, I am not Santa Claus.
Miami (+7.5) at
Houston
aka the Hurricane Bowl, as all the fans huddle on barges in
the midst of flood waters to watch a bunch of millionaires concuss themselves
into oblivion. Shit, maybe these are the true America’s Teams. These are also both
cities reasonably close to the edge of American civilization and as such they attract
a lot of the Mysterious Other who have MAGA types quivering in fear, which means
that they should have a lot of wild Cubano fans or Haitians black magicking the
other team or Caravaners throwing batteries and piss at Don Shula, but that’s
not the world we live in. Those people are all soccer fans and think football
americano is dumb as fuck and honestly, they’re right. So instead of this being
a game between wild haired fanbases cursing each other in romance languages, it
will be a stadium full of old pinch-faced white people ignoring the game to
complain to each other about caravans. The NFL is so fucked.
Pick: Houston
Philadelphia (-3) at
Jacksonville
Both these teams are fuckin’ up, which honestly shouldn’t be
that surprising since the Eagles always fuck things up and the Jaguars are the
fuckin’ Jaguars. I mean, it’s basically the Always Sunny gang vs. Fred Durst,
and while yes that would probably be funny as fuck, there are no winners there.
At some point, it does feel like the Eagles should probably pull it together
and they might even still win the NFC East because who the fuck else is gonna
win it this season? The Jaguars, on the other hand, have completely fallen apart
since beating the Patriots. They are shivering and shaking like junkies. They
were just dabblers before, got some good shit and rode a wave of euphoria that
they thought would never end. But they couldn’t handle that shit and now they’re
on their knees, begging in alleys, offering to suck dick for just another hit
of success. But it’s gone now, the magic, and even if they do get another hit
here and there it will just remind them that it will never be like it once was,
and they’ll die when a needle mark abscesses. But shit, it’s not like there’s
anything else to do in Jacksonville.
Pick: Philadelphia
Cleveland (+8) at
Pittsburgh
Somehow, it seems like this season is almost more painful
for Browns fans than the last billion have been. That’s because they can actually
see that they’re close (or closeish anyway) and yet they keep on fuckin’ it up,
which just tragically confirms that this is who they are and will always be. I
am a Lions fan, I understand these things. But shit, at least you aren’t a
rapist like Ben Roethlisberger. That’s something, I guess.
Pick: Cleveland
Denver (+10) at
Kansas City
This Mahomes thing is pretty wild, isn’t it? I mean, just a
few years ago he was some dude toiling in mediocrity in fuckin’ Lubbock, Texas,
and today he’s probably fucking models or whatever the fuck passes for a model
in Kansas City. Like I said before, my grandma lives near Kansas City, so maybe
he’s fucking her. Grandpa Mahomes. Shit, I’d be down with that. I hope he
leaves me all his money after Grandma black widows him.
Pick: Kansas City
N.Y. Jets (+7) at
Chicago
The Bears are sort of like the Browns in that even though
they are obviously better now, it’s somehow even more painful for their fans because
it makes them that much more acutely aware of the Failure Demons that plague
them. I mean, come on, the Bears have had some shitty, shitty losses so far.
Killing Aaron Rodgers only to see his demon ghost break them on one fucking
leg, and then getting Bradyed while Mitch Trubisky fell just short of a miracle
which is the sort of painful metaphor that’s all too obvious, and more
importantly, all too obviously true even as it’s happening. Still, the Jets
stink. I’m pretty sure they beat someone (I can’t remember who) in week one,
but it couldn’t have been that impressive since I definitely don’t remember it
happening. Nope.
Pick: Chicago
Washington (-1) at
N.Y. Giants
The NFC East always gets a ton of attention because it’s got
all the powerhouse markets in the northeast, and also Dallas for some reason,
which is fucking ridiculous and a perfect example of the Cowboys Most Favored
Nation status within the NFL. But the NFC East mostly stinks this year, which
makes the attention all the more insufferable. I mean, come on, this is a game that
might as well be between the Titans and Cardinals or some meaningless shit like
that, but instead everyone’s gonna pay attention because it’s Washington and
New York. It’s Congress vs. Wall Street. Read that again. This game is gross.
Pick: Washington
Tampa Bay (+4.5) at
Cincinnati
Every season, there are teams that start out improbably hot
and then their true natures catch up to them and everything falls apart. It is
kind of weird that this explains both these teams this season and that they are
playing this week to decide which of them will get dragged off to hell to be harassed
by Failure Demons forever and ever. Basically, it’s Jameis Winston struggling
against his own nature vs Marvin Lewis doing the same. My spellchecker doesn’t
even recognize “Jameis” which is bad news for him because it’s supposedly smart
and “learns” from the internet like a baby Terminator or some shit, and it doesn’t
even care about Jameis Winston. It just sees his name and thinks “nah, I don’t
need to learn that”, which is some dark, dark shit. Marvin Lewis, on the other
hand, always seems to survive. His Failure Demons will get him – they always
do, you can’t escape your eternal fate – but they’ll have to wait another year
or two.
Pick: Cincinnati
Baltimore (-2) at
Carolina
Man, those poor Ravens. Losing because your kicker misses an
extra point at the end of the game is some rough shit. I mean, that’s some
Mason Crosby shit. I’m not sure how you come back from that emotionally. I
mean, I guess this is what happens to a city that’s best known for The Wire and Edgar Allan Poe. You know
what would be sick? If someone made a mashup of the two, like Edgar Allan Poe
as a street hustler or some shit, and . . . look, I don’t know what I’m rambling
about. This is bullshit. I am full of bullshit. Don’t read this.
Pick: Baltimore
Indianapolis (-3) at
Oakland
The year is 2087, a cyborg that used to be know in its human
years as Jon Gruden buzzes down to the NFL commissioner, Donald Trump IV, from
his lair atop some gaudy Las Vegas casino monstrosity built after the Water
Wars of the 2040s. He breathes like Darth Vader into whatever the fuck they use
for a telephone in the future, strung together immigrant bones or something, I
don’t know, I’m not an engineer, and a moment later Commissioner Trump is
wheeled like Larry Flynt to the podium at the NFL draft and he says “We have a
trade.” Everyone groans because they already know. For the 69th
straight year, Cyborg Gruden is trading his starting quarterback, a couple of
receivers and Mark Davis’ hair, which somehow has become a holy relic in MAGA
America aka the 5th Reich which will last until President Camacho
overthrows it, for a handful of draft picks, which Cyborg Gruden promises he
will use to build the Raiders a new foundation. He hangs up his immigrant bones
and fucks a sex doll made from the rubberized tears of Raiders fans and
animated by the howling ghosts of their damned souls.
Pick: Indianapolis
San Francisco (Pk) at
Arizona
lol not even Vegas cares about this game. “Hey Sal, what
should the line be in the 49ers/Cards game?”
“Fuck, Gino, I don’t know. Who cares? Just make it a pick
em, I’m trying to sell these sex dolls to Cyborg Gruden. That motherfucker says
they need more tears. I don’t have time for these shitty games.”
Pick: 49ers?
Green Bay (+9.5) at
L.A. Rams
Aaron Rodgers is like Tom Brady or the fucking Judge from Blood Meridian. This line is an insult
to him, and you fuck with a dude like that at your own peril. One day, you’re
7-0 and headed towards Super Bowl dreams, the next Aaron Rodgers is raping you
in an outhouse after getting your sister addicted to crack. On the bright side,
at least with him you don’t have to deal with a Gisele taking a shit on your
chest when it’s all over with because he’s (allegedly!) gay, but that just
means you have to deal with, I don’t know, Tyrese or some dude (I’m not up on
my male models) shitting on your chest when it’s all over with. Hey, man, I’m
not judging. Whatever gets you going. Someone’s shitting on that chest, though.
Pick: Green Bay
New Orleans (Pk) at Minnesota
Man, after last season’s playoff debacle, the Saints
probably have PTSD about heading back to Minnesota. Still, the Saints are 5-1,
but it doesn’t really feel like it, does it? Both of these teams “feel” like
disappointments this season even though they are a combined 9-3-1. Is that
ridiculous? Probably, but I am a ridiculous dude. Anyway, fuck both Drew Bress,
torture advocate, and Kirk Cousins, Nassar advocate.
Pick: Minnesota
New England (-14) at
Buffalo
“You’re going where, Thomas?”
“Gisele, baby, I told you, I’ll be in Buffalo.”
“Do they even have electricity there? Do they even have
Haitian slaves, I mean servants, I mean employees, I mean dear friends there?”
“Tell me about it, last time I was there a bunch of fat
children beat me up because I was wearing Uggs.”
“That is preposterous! Don’t tell me that they wear . . .
shoes.”
“Worse, baby. They wear something called “winter boots”
“What??? I don’t even understand what that is!”
“I saw some people, poors mostly, wearing them when I was at
Michigan. They’re . . . get this, made from rubber.”
“Thomas, I need to lie down.”
“Do you want me to . . . lie with you.”
“Don’t be absurd, Thomas. That’s what we have Raoul for.”
“Of course, how could I be so foolish. Anyway, I’m off to
the mid-afternoon meal. Hector made me a plate of grass-fed orphan.”
“Free range?”
“Of course. You know Hector enjoys the chase as much as the
kill.”
“I do wish you would stop going with him on his . . . hunts.”
“It’s the only way I can still feel.”
“I know, I know, but what if someone saw you?”
“I could just tell them that we’re thinking about adopting.”
“Ugh, I couldn’t imagine anything worse. It’s bad enough
that our own baby tried to suck from my own nipples.”
“Yeah, I know how much you hate that . . .”
“What was that?”
“Nothing, dear. Get some rest. Make sure you throw out and
burn the Haitian afterwards.”
“Please, Thomas, the Haitians are much too skinny to provide
any comfort. I am using strictly Samoan immigrants for beds these days. You don’t
even have to feed them, they just stay fat!”
“Dear, you are the living end!”
*they both laugh as the lights dim*
Pick: New England
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