Through a haze of cough syrup and the sort of gentle but
withering insanity that goes unnoticed until it’s too late, I bring you week .
. . what is it? Five? I think? Yes, five of the NFL. Last week, I went 6-6-3
which represents progress and brings my overall record for the season to
23-34-6 and since to break even is about all that wretched fiends like us can expect
from life, I suggest you stick with me because I have gotten incrementally
better each week and by the end of the season you may even be caught up on your
child support payments. Anyway, as usual, lines come courtesy of the
VegasInsider.com consensus, and believe it or not they aren’t even paying me to
do this because I’m a mark ass buster.
Indianapolis (+10.5)
at New England
Man, just one good week and Las Vegas is all up Tom Brady’s
ass again, but to be honest every good week he has this season is going to seem
like a Triumph of the Will in which he pulls every sociopathic molecule in his
body together in order to be Tom Brady again for a week, a day, even as he
slaps his limp dick on Gisele’s ass while she yawns and reads a magazine the
rest of the time. Yes, the sins of vanity come with a harsh price. One day you’re
a Nazi on the verge of immortality, the next you drink from the wrong cup and
Indiana Jones runs off with your lady. I was going to say “bitch” because it sounds
funnier that way, but it’s 2018 and I’m now allowed to. You soft ass bitches.
Pick: Indianapolis
Baltimore (-3) at
Cleveland
An underrated yet oddly forgotten thing: because the Browns
have been so fucking wretched for so many fucking years, this particular
rivalry has mostly gone unnoticed by the broader public, but you have to
remember that the Ravens used to be the Browns before Art Modell snuck out of
town like he fucked the mayor’s wife or some shit. Cleveland hates the Ravens. And now that Cleveland
isn’t that bad (well, relatively speaking, I guess) they might want to finally take
it out on the Ravens. Fuck it, I’m rolling with the Browns out of loser
solidarity.
Pick: Cleveland
Jacksonville (+3) at
Kansas City
It’s kind of weird that this is the glamor game in the AFC
this season, isn’t it? I mean, it doesn’t get any more boring than Kansas City
and Jacksonville. It’s like two different visions of American dystopia meeting
for the right to be America’s trash. In that respect, I guess maybe that makes
it the perfect game for the NFL. Anyway, Patrick Mahomes has been great, the
Chiefs offense is kicking everyone’s ass, but Jacksonville’s defense might be
the best in the league. This is an intriguing matchup, and if Mahomes passes
this test, there’s probably no stopping him and the Chiefs. Imagine being fired
up for a Chiefs/Jaguars game. Man, 2018 is so fucking dark.
Pick: Jacksonville
Tennessee (-3.5) at
Buffalo
This line feels weirdly low given that the Titans are 3-1
with back to back wins over the Jaguars and the Eagles while the Bills are, well,
the fucking Bills. This will probably be a low scoring defensive game, but
still. It’s the fucking Bills. Come on.
Pick: Tennessee
N.Y. Giants (+7) at
Carolina
Eli Manning hasn’t quite gone full corpse, which is both
good for the Giants and bad. Good because they’d, you know, like to have a
functional quarterback, and bad because it might convince them to keep rolling
with Eli into a meaningless oblivion of a future. Luckily, Giants fans are all
good-natured folk with infinite patience who haven’t literally buried mobsters
in the fucking stadium itself, so it’s all good, I guess. Meanwhile, I think Cam
Newton needs to get the fuck out of Carolina. Better yet, Vince McMahon should
give Ric Flair control of a new XFL team in Charlotte and steal Cam Newton away
and let them style and profile into America’s heart. But the reality is that
Vince is a fucking Jerry Jones Trumpian pinch-face who will ban dudes like that
from the league and hire whoever’s willing to salute a pink cancer ribbon pinned
on the American flag while a disembodied voice talks about synergy and brand
loyalty. Terrible, terrible.
Pick: Giants
Denver (+1) at N.Y.
Jets
Man, the Jets are still getting Vegas love for that week one
game against the Lions, but that game was all about the Lions going Full Lion rather
than anything the Jets really did, aside from stealing Matt Stafford’s signals
anyway. I told y’all that Case Keenum would be a disappointing shit in Denver,
though, so I don’t know, dudes and lady dudes. Who cares?
Pick: Jets
Atlanta (+3) at
Pittsburgh
Both these teams have disappointed so far, but it feels
worse for Pittsburgh somehow. Like, you get the feeling that this is The End
for them. Le’Veon Bell is probably getting high in a Bangkok whore house right
now, Ben Roethlisberger wishes he could be with him but he’s been banned from
Thailand and imagine the sort of degenerate who isn’t even allowed in fucking
Thailand, and the whole thing feels rotten and wretched. Also, I can’t believe
I haven’t mentioned that one story about that lady who said that Roethlisberger
was getting Trump’s pussy runoff, which is a crude way of putting it, I admit,
but these are crude times and these are crude people. Even worse is that this
chick says that Roethlisberger creeped her out. Imagine being creepy in
comparison to Donald fucking Trump. Good Lord.
Pick: Atlanta
Miami (+6.5) at
Cincinnati
Look, whoever I pick to win this game is going to lose, so
don’t even bother paying attention to this.
Pick: Miami
Oakland (+5) at L.A.
Chargers
I almost guarantee you that the Raiders will have more fans
in L.A. than the Chargers, which will make for a weird atmosphere. Then again,
it almost feels like the Raiders should have no fans at this point because they
keep burning all these damn cities, which is appropriate I guess because they’re
moving to a city of transients and degenerates with no loyalties in Las Vegas.
The Chargers, though, are spiritually empty in their own way, so to be honest,
this game is just sort of sad. On the other hand, it’s Still Real to Marshawn
Lynch, so maybe the Raiders aren’t spiritually dead yet. It seems unfathomable
that the fucking Raiders of all teams could be in that sort of spiritual abyss,
but that’s Mark Davis for you.
Pick: Chargers
Arizona (+4.5) at San
Francisco
The Cardinals might be the worst team in the NFL this
season, while the 49ers season basically ended when Jimmy Garoppolo got hurt,
so fuck it. I don’t really have anything interesting to say here, but, I mean,
when do I ever?
Pick: 49ers
Minnesota (+3) at
Philadelphia
I told y’all that the Eagles would fuck this up. They might
still get it together but they don’t exactly look like a repeat Super Bowl champ,
do they? Still, it’s really hard for me to put any faith in that fucking dork
Kirk Cousins and so I won’t.
Pick: Philadelphia
L.A. Rams (-7) at
Seattle
This is clearly the Rams season, which has to make the people
of St. Louis feel just great, I’m sure. Speaking of, nobody really talks about
this, but St. Louis has really been fucked hard by the NFL, hasn’t it? First
there was the Cardinals and now the Rams. To be fair, that’s what you get when you
steal somebody’s else team, which they did both times – the Cardinals from
Chicago, the Rams from L.A. – so fuck ‘em, I guess. Also, how fucked up is L.A.’s
own history with the NFL? They stole the Rams from Cleveland, lost them to St.
Louis and then stole them back, they stole the Raiders from Oakland and then
lost them back to Oakland, who just had them stolen again by Las Vegas, and then
there’s the Chargers, who started out in L.A., went to San Diego, and then came
back to L.A. where nobody gives a fuck about them. lol what a town.
Shit, I forgot to talk about the whole Earl Thomas thing,
which is pretty fucking crazy, right? I mean, the dude flipped off his own team
– coaches, teammates, everyone – as he was carted off the field. Not exactly
Mike Utley with the whole thumbs up. I mean, on the one hand, I get it. Fight
for what’s yours, dude. I support this. On the other hand, Woke NFLism is
fucking absurd. I mean, the entire thing is just so fucked up, but it’s still
just a dumb game and getting all worked up for the sake of millionaires who
never had to grow up is pretty crazy to me. I mean, you can fight for what’s
yours without being a petulant cock about it. I’m not saying “that boy better
behave and salute the flag” like some common Jethro here. What I’m saying is
that it’s okay to believe in both your own value as a player and a human being
and believe in things like loyalty to your teammates, pride in what you do,
etc. That might sound corny and eye-rolly as shit, and I admit that it is, but
only because we’ve convinced ourselves of the binary in anything, which is kind
of fucking insane and amazing given that we profess these days to be trying to
constantly shatter binary thinking. Somehow, it’s just made us all even more
binary and stupid and it fucking sucks. Good for Earl Thomas. That’s what I
think. But fuck him too. That’s also what I think. It’s okay for things to be
complicated.
Pick: Rams
Dallas (+3) at
Houston
JJ Watt as roid monster hero to white monster truck America
is all too obvious. Like, try harder white folks. But this is the age of
obvious racism, in which barely concealed racism has been cast aside in favor
of soft-faced proudbois carrying tiki-torches they bought at Wal-Mart. And
nothing is as nakedly proudboish as cheering for the Dallas Cowboys. I mean, I
mentioned this in my game recap that nobody read, but I can’t get over the
replay of Golden Tate scoring the go-ahead touchdown because in the background
you see a row of fake cowboys wearing crisp, brand-new cowboy hats like 21st
century JR Ewings, nice, neat white pressed button up shirts all tucked into
their just-off-the-rack blue jeans, all stiff and and . . . and white. It was fucking
absurd, a caricature of a caricature of America. Welcome to tha Future.
Ordinary race-bait like JJ Watt doesn’t stand a chance.
Pick: Dallas
Washington (+6.5) at
New Orleans
Alvin Kamara is fucking gross. I mean that in the best way.
Dude is sick. Maybe New Orleans isn’t broken after all if they can embrace a
dude like him while Drew Brees fades away to his life waterboarding blacks and
gays. That sort of transition takes time, though, and it shows this season, in
which the Saints have been inconsistent and generally mediocre as fuck.
Actually, fucking by nature is not mediocre, so I don’t know. Can you have a
mediocre fuck? Of course, but only in the context of fucking itself, like a
mediocre fuck can only be mediocre relative to other fuckings. The basic act of
fucking in itself is better than just about anything else. Like, I can’t think
of a single thing I’d rather do. Anyway, fuck Drew Brees and not in a good way,
but in the fucked in the ass in a prison shower kind of way, which probably isn’t
even that bad if the guy has a big dick and hits your prostate. Drew Brees
doesn’t even deserve that.
Pick: New Orleans
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