We hurdle headlong into the oblivion of a future whose
ultimate end is the heat death of the universe and the utter meaningless of
human existence, which shall be forgotten by . . . well, actually “forgotten”
implies that there will be anyone around to not remember it, the actual word
for what will happen to the memory of human existence hasn’t been invented yet
because it is an impossible idea to convey being utterly without form or substance,
something that never was, not even as a rumor, the utter oblivion of “existence”
having no context or meaning itself. Anyway, last week I went 6-9 (hell yeah,
baby) bringing my overall record to 36-51-8, which means that bookies have
broken my legs and now I just slither around on the floor licking dirt and
crumbs for sustenance. The NFL, it’s faaaaaaantastic!!! This is a day early
because tomorrow is my birthday, one day and one year closer to that oblivion and
I plan on just sitting around and getting so high that I go into a coma, so
here you go. Lines are courtesy of the VegasInsider.com consensus, and one of
these weeks I might even break .500!!!
Denver (-2) at
Arizona
Legal weed is coming to Michigan soon save for a miracle
stand by tight-assed prohibitionists, and it’s become easier and easier to do
this nationwide thanks to the example set by Colorado. But even that example is
not one of “lol these people smoke a plant and then sit around with hooded eyes
and eat Doritos, how is any of this dangerous?” but “omg look at the money it’s
bringing in!!!” which is kinda depressing and all too predictable, but that is
what moves everything in this godforsaken society of ours. It always has. There
is a soullessness to it all, the endless commodification, and anyway, I’m not
sure what this has to do with football, or more specifically this game other than
the Denver of it all, but I guess maybe it’s the same thing with the NFL. There
is an inherent beauty in the violence of the game, in the naked physical battle
of “can these dudes exert their physical will enough to move a ball down the
field against some other dudes trying to stop them.” There is a purity to that,
which has been coopted and commodified and utterly obliterated in a storm of
OMG TWINNNNSSSS beer commercials and braying Frank Caliendos and Chris Bermans
and Fork Tongued Rules Interpreters and Goodells and all the rest of the ugly
horseshit that is NFL football now. Anyway, this is what happens when you let
money matter more than as just a mutually accepted inconvenience.
Pick: Denver
Tennessee (+6.5) at
L.A. Chargers
I don’t have a good read on either of these teams yet (isn’t
that true for all the teams, Neil? Hahaha fuck you.) and I suspect that they
are both fucked up and rotten in some ineffable way that is impossible to fix.
Marcus Mariota has been forgettable trash and the Titans have no offense. The
Chargers are basically Philip Rivers until the day he retires and that is a
dude who you can never depend on. What happens when you know your team is
fundamentally rotten and that it can never change until everything is swept away
in a Noahesque flood? I’m a Lions fan, so I understand these things, but at
least the Lions have character, even if that character is “lovable fuckup”
which lol is basically my own character. What I’m saying, I guess, is that
neither the Chargers or the Titans have any character to see them or their fans
through the meaningless of existence, and in that absence, what is there?
Cyanide?
Pick: Tennessee
New England (-3) at
Chicago
Speaking of character, last week’s game perfectly
illustrated these two teams’ respective identities. The Patriots were torched
by the Chiefs, and yet Tom Brady still won it for them anyway because he’s a
fucking narcissistic sociopath and people had dared to call his glory into
question and that is what happens when you challenge a dude like that. He is
driven like a Terminator, not by cold, mechanical programming but by the
endless misery of his own heart. The only way he can quell its self-loathing
and utter malevolence, its parasitic need to chew up everything around it in an
attempt to fill an endless emptiness, is for Tom Brady to win forever. One day,
it will all be too much and he’ll spend his retirement years joyless, trapped
in a shell that has betrayed him and he’ll listen with empty ears as Gisele
talks about black-tie dinners and he’ll watch with glassy eyes as his
grandchildren play at his feet and he’ll have to resist the urge to kick one
when no one is looking just so he can feed that emptiness for a moment. And
anyway, you can’t ever count out a dude like that because he doesn’t just want
to win, he fucking needs it. Meanwhile, the Bears can never get past the
inherent Bears of it all and will forever be one step forward, one back, and
Soldier Field will freeze and Tom Brady’s heart will feel right at home.
Pick: New England
Cleveland (+3) at
Tampa Bay
I guess we’re all about identity today because the Browns
went out last week and Brownsed it up, which was especially meaningful because
it was a week in which the Browns had a real opportunity to turn the corner and
start to leave the past behind. Instead, they got humbled by the Chargers and
that is not something a team this fragile can easily get past. Instead, this
shit could unravel on them in a hurry. I’m done overrating the Buccaneers based
on those first couple of frenzied weeks when Ryan Fitzpatrick forgot he was
just an aging Harvard geek, so this is a hard one to pick, with foul spiritual
energies emanating from both sides.
Pick: Tampa Bay
Carolina (+4.5) at
Philadelphia
The Eagles got lit the fuck up by Saquon Barkley last week,
but they still won pretty comfortably, so who knows, man? Running games seem to
matter less and less on a macro scale in the NFL. Offenses are simply too quick
strike, too explosive, to rely on a running game to keep pace. Where they
matter still is in the micro, in your ability to run when key situations
require it. Holy shit, actual analysis! Anyway, the Panthers have a good young
running back in Christian McCaffrey, but he’s also a dude who will catch it 10
times. I’m not sure if it will matter again, though, mostly because Cam Newton
will find a way to fuck it up.
Pick: Philadelphia
Buffalo (+7.5) at
Indianapolis
Both of these teams stink, so, I mean, really, who cares? I
guess it’s kind of embarrassing for Buffalo to be giving up 7.5 points to a
team that’s only won 1 goddamn game this year, but that’s what you get for
running Tyrod Taylor out of town, I guess. How fucked are you when Tyrod
fucking Taylor is the one dude who held everything together for you?
Pick: Indianapolis
Cincinnati (+6) at
Kansas City
Last week, I finally picked the Bengals and they fucked me.
Fuck them. The Chiefs lost to the Patriots yet somehow came out of the game
looking even more dangerous. The hype train for Patrick Mahomes has gotten
ludicrously out of control and there’s a chance it all gets to be too much and
he ends up murdering hookers throughout Missouri or some shit. I’m not saying it’s
likely, but the chance exists. Also, I didn’t know that Tyreek Hill was busted
in college for beating the shit out of his girlfriend, but that’s what you get
for admiring dudes in the year of our Lord 2018, I guess. He later married her,
by the way, because the world is just so fucking dark.
Pick: Kansas City
Minnesota (-3) at N.Y.
Jets
I’ve been awfully hard on the Vikings and Minnesota this
season, but that’s mostly because I have an implacable hatred for Kirk Cousins.
Fuck him forever. Still, I think in the end they’ll probably end up winning the
NFC North give or take Aaron Rodgers willing the Packers (and the refs) to his
cause like NFC Tom Brady. And yet, it’s not just my disdain for Kirk Cousins.
The Vikings seem like they should be better than they are. They were supposed
to be better. Killer defense, powerful offense. But the defense has sucked, the
running game has mostly been trash, and so you’re left depending on Kirk
Cousins to save the day for you, and let me tell you, you can’t trust a Sparty.
It’s in their nature. They’ll either SPARTY NO!!!!! it for you, or they’ll, you
know, rape you.
Pick: Minnesota
Houston (+5) at
Jacksonville
I think I ruined the Jaguars energy with all that Fred Durst
talk, but man, what a fucked-up fall from grace. Only a few weeks ago they were
king of the NFL after whipping the Patriots, and now they’re just sort of shivering
and shaking like fucked-up junkies, tongues hanging out, black and swollen,
from sucking so much rancid dick the last couple of weeks. The Cowboys fucking
humiliated them, and that’s the sort of thing it’s hard to come back from. I
mean, it’s not like this team has a deep well of historical confidence to draw
on. They’re the fucking Jaguars, and this is what they always do after having a
little bit of success. One day you’re teabagging Tom Brady, the next Gisele is
using you as a toilet instead of one of the Haitians she bought on her last trip
home. So it goes. To be fair, some dudes would pay to be used as a toilet by
Gisele, but that’s a different topic for a different day and this is a family
site.
Pick: Houston
New Orleans (+2.5) at
Baltimore
New Orleans is 4-1 but they don’t seem like it, do they? The
defense has been shit and they’re basically relying on Alvin Kamara to save the
day every week. Still, 4-1 is 4-1, so I don’t know, dudes and lady dudes. What
I do know is that I’m always happy when New Orleans is doing well as a city. I
love that city. It’s hard not to considering it’s a city built on debauchery.
It’s like Vegas if Vegas was authentic and not just a manufactured desert
hellhole using debauchery as a mask to rob dumb marks (please sponsor me
VegasInsider.com) Vegas is built on money, and so the debauchery is itself
debauched, a twisted, hideous caricatured ghoul of debauchery. It isn’t real.
New Orleans, though, is poor. It’s debauched for its own sake and that is
something I can respect. Las Vegas is a slick mobster hiding behind a camera
monitor upstairs watching you lose your kid’s college tuition while a bored,
leathery cocktail waitress with plastic tits plies you with liquor. New Orleans
is a dude wading through flood waters with a bucket of Heineken and a smile on
his face while the city drowns. Also, don’t forget my ancestor founded New
Orleans, which makes all of this make a whole lot of sense. Anyway, I want New
Orleans to be happy, and the Saints are all they have. Still, poor, debauched
people are that way because they never really get what they want. The world
fucking sucks.
Pick: Baltimore
Dallas (+1.5) at
Washington
The Redskins ruined football for more than one of my
friends, including the esteemed Raven Mack, the founder emeritus of Armchair
Linebacker. Meanwhile, the Cowboys are the Cowboys. This game is spiritually
wretched and I hope a meteor lands in the stadium or Magneto picks up the field
and flies off with it like in that one X-Men movie.
Pick: Dallas
L.A. Rams (-10) at San
Francisco
It’s pretty fucking pathetic that Aaron Rodgers had to break
out all his devil tricks to get past the 49ers on Monday. Just pathetic. The
Packers don’t play this week, so I’m gonna say that here. I will never let a
week go by without reminding you that Aaron Rodgers is a soulless monster.
Anyway, the 49ers are a lost team, thanks to Jimmy Garoppolo’s knee exploding,
which means he’s gonna spend all year preying on bitches in the Playboy Mansion
grotto. The Rams have had a couple of close calls the last couple of weeks, and
they’re probably gonna get got by someone soon, but not the 49ers. That spread
is pretty big, but the Rams are gonna have three receivers who end up with 1300
yards or better this year and that’s not even counting Todd Gurley who might
have 1,000 yards receiving and more than that rushing. I think if anyone can
cover 10.5 it’s these dudes.
Pick: Rams
N.Y. Giants (+5.5) at
Atlanta
lol the Giants always cannibalize themselves when it becomes
clear that shit ain’t gonna break their way. It’s back to crucifying Eli
Manning, and now you’ve got that asshole owner John Mara telling Odell Beckham “a
little more playing and a little less talking” which is the most rich white
asshole thing to say to a dude who’s on pace for over 100 catches and like
1,500 yards. I mean, I can’t even read that quote without the voice sounding like
Thurston Howell III in my head. Also, did you know that the actresses Kate Mara
and Rooney Mara are members of that family? Their grandfather, Wellington, was
the Giants big dick forever (well, metaphorically, I’m sure he had a tiny dick
in real life). You might have already known that, or at least surmised it, but
you probably didn’t know their other grandfather is Art Rooney, the dude who
owned the Steelers forever and is one of the biggest dudes in NFL history. I
mean, Rooney Mara. It makes sense now, right? Fuck, this isn’t interesting at
all. I seem to recall, though, and I might be making this up, I don’t know, but
Kate apparently had an estranged relationship with Grandpa Mara because he didn’t
approve of her being a whore actress or whatever rich people think. Again, I
might be making this up, but why would I? I’m pretty sure I read that
somewhere, and anyway, it wouldn’t surprise me. That’s who these assholes are.
They’re rich, they’re old and they’re white, and fuck the help and fuck anyone
who doesn’t make sucking off a pneumatic bank tube their primary goal in life.
Fuck these people. Also, Kate Mara has nice titties, so how dare they. HOW DARE THEY!!!
Pick: Atlanta
No comments:
Post a Comment