The sun is setting on yet another season of NFL football.
Men have been concussed, women have been beaten, lizard men have flicked their
forked tongues into the deepest places of our souls, and the Lions have lost a
bunch of goddamn football games. It’s been the worst of times . . . and the
worst of times. So let’s do it again. Last week, I went 8-8 bringing my overall
record to 87-101-10, but I do want to make one point here: straight up, with
point spreads thrown out, I’ve actually done a really good job, but that is not
how the evil men of Las Vegas feel, and forget about what I just said because
it feels like a loser begging on his knees that he can get the money next week
or some shit just so they don’t break my thumbs. Anyway, the fine folks at
VegasInsider.com would never do that to me, not after I spent an entire season plugging
their site for no reason other than the vain hopes that they’ll somehow see
this and offer me some pity money or maybe 25% off at the Bunny Ranch or
whatever the fuck, not that I’d be into that because that shit is honestly
pretty gross and they won’t even let you strangle the hooker after and bury her
in the desert after dissecting her in your basement. Anyway, let’s get to the
football.
Washington (+10) at
Dallas
Once upon a time, my boys Raven Mack and Paul would have
been really into this game, but now neither one of them even cares, and I doubt
they’ll even know what happens. This is because they’ve both been driven from
football by the very things that these two insipid franchises represent, and I
don’t just mean in football terms either, but in the cultural things that they
both stand for. They are both the teams of lizard-men greedhead owners, and
represent larger fanbases that are both despicable stereotypes of America at
its worst: in Dallas’ case, they are all fake Cowboys or brainwashed normies
who decided to cheer for Dallas because they were always on the teevee and the
rich folk said they’re America’s Team Yeeee-Hawwwww, and in Washington’s case,
they are literal pigs, fat pieces of shit with snout noses who snort and grunt
and oink their way through a game while representing a city that has no permanence,
no roots, other than the transitory ambitions of plastic alien men and women
putting in their time in the hopes that they can get some kickbacks from a big
bank or two. This game is hell on earth, a metaphor for the ugly corruption of
the American Dream and the perverse fall of Man from the Garden lo those many
eons ago. There are no winners here, only the tears of a betrayed and ruined
species.
Pick: Dallas
Baltimore (+4) at
L.A. Chargers
I’ll admit, I’ve been really slow to get behind the
Chargers, but that’s because they always fuck it up. And they’ll do it again
this year too. You can’t trust Philip Rivers. You just can’t. The motherfucker
looks like one of the bad guys from Animal
House or some shit. Dudes won’t rally behind an asshole like that when
things get their grimmest. Still, the Chargers have somehow climbed to the top
of the AFC heap this season, and might even grab home field for the entirety of
the playoffs. Not that this will help them much, because no one in L.A. really
gives a fuck about them. It’s sort of a trap: they can’t stop being the
Chargers until they prove that they’re not, and they can’t prove that they’re
not because, well, because they’re the Chargers. People see that, they
understand it on an instinctive, primal level, and people in LA especially aren’t
gonna fall for that. That’s because LA people either need a team like the
Raiders to get behind, someone the South Central and East LA boys can both ride
with, or they need a winner, a team like those 80s 49ers teams, for all the
fake-ass shine-faced Hollywood types to get behind. Those people are gonna
cheer for the Rams now, and the poorer folks are just gonna watch soccer now so
fuck it, the Chargers are spiritually doomed.
Pick: Baltimore
Tampa Bay (+7) at
Dallas
lol . . . well, shit. I just double checked and saw that
Dallas is playing Tampa Bay this week and Washington is playing Tennessee, but
I’m not going back and changing this shit because 1. that would violate the
precepts of New Writing, and 2. what I said is still true regardless of the
false football “truths” that are trying to trip me up. You see, football is the
devil. Anyway, fuck it. The Redskins are still gonna lose their game and the
Cowboys are still gonna win theirs, so what, in the end, is the difference?
Fuck off.
Pick: Dallas
Atlanta (-3.5) at
Carolina
This has kind of been a sad season for both teams, but in
different ways. The Falcons never really got going in the first place, doomed
by a shit defense and by the whole Falcons thing where they are never
consistently good from year to year. Next season, they’ll probably win the damn
division, but this season is a total loss. The Panthers, on the other hand,
just sort of collapsed after a decent start, but in retrospect it was probably something
of a mirage. Cam Newton’s arm is completely fucked, the team is firing coaches
and the whole thing sort of feels like a situation where everything has to be
blown up. They either need to put a bullet in Cam behind the barn, or sell him
to some other fat white dude who will literally poke and prod him and check his
teeth and shit like they do to the rest of the young merchandise at the NFL
Draft Combine every year. lol this league is so fucking dark.
Pick: Atlanta
Jacksonville (+4.5)
at Miami
It’s the battle of Florida, but not really. Miami and
Jacksonville represent parts of Florida that are so vastly different that it
feels wrong and fucked up to treat them like parts of the same state. Miami is
all cocaine and Cubans and beaches and thongs…th…thongs thongs thongs.
Meanwhile, Jacksonville is basically South Georgia, or maybe East Alabama, just
a Southern Trash City that is at its core desperate and broken. This is a place
that breeds the frenzied freebird soul of Lynyrd Skynyrd, a Kenny Stablerish
wild-hair kind of rebellion that is at its heart conflicted and proud of
itself, but also a place that breeds a sort of fucked up funhouse mirror of the
same thing, a soulless strip-mall mentality bereft of hope, shorn of dignity, in
a backwards baseball cap raised on MTV and failure called Fred Durst. It’s a
city of people that dream to escape but they never can because the city’s stank
is always with them. It’s too depressing to think about.
Pick: Miami
N.Y. Giants (+9.5) at
Indianapolis
The Colts are sort of a hoboish version of the Chargers in
that I’ve basically written them off but here they are hanging around still. I
don’t think they’re any good, but there might actually be some redemption for
Andrew Luck. On the other hand, they seem like exactly the sort of team that’s
just gonna fuck it all up and fold as soon as people start to get expectations,
and this line seems absurdly big.
Pick: Giants
Houston (+2.5) at
Philadelphia
The Eagles upset the Rams last week, and is that a team
getting ready to make one last push or is it one last gasp of pride as they remember
that they’re the champs? I don’t know. They haven’t been able to get it
together all season, and everybody just keeps kind of waiting for them to get
there, but there’s literally only two games left and they are who they are at
this point. Yes, they beat the Rams, but I think that’s more about the Rams
being in kind of a weird funk right now than the Eagles reasserting themselves.
In the end, you just have to go with what you know, and that’s that
Philadelphia will always, when up against the wall, completely and totally fuck
itself.
Pick: Houston
Minnesota (-5.5) at
Detroit
Listen, I’ve pretty much already damned and then eulogized
the 2018 Lions so there’s little to be said there. The Vikings, on the other
hand, deserve to be pointed at and laughed at because lol man did they bet on
the wrong dude. Kirk Cousins walked into a situation just begging for a
quarterback to take it all the way. This is a quarterback’s dream, but it’s
also the sort of situation where a quarterback can’t hide. There are no
excuses, no copouts. Whoever was the Vikings quarterback had to win because it
was set up for him. But Kirk Cousins hasn’t done shit. He’s gonna end up with
the same fucking team he had in Washington. It’s the ultimate indictment of his
corny ass. This is Who He Is, and the evidence is damning and irrefutable at
this point. Still, the Lions are the Lions.
Pick: Minnesota
Green Bay (-3) at
N.Y. Jets
It feels weird that the Packers are pretty much just playing
out the string this season. It’s over for them, and even though Aaron Rodgers was
named to the Pro Bowl again, this has probably been his worst season. You can’t
tell it from the stats necessarily, but the dude just looks miserable out
there. He’s still the devil and the devil is gonna get his, but man, this dude
does not want to be out there for this team. The fans have picked up on this
too and a few have started to turn on him, which is fucking insane, but that is
life in the Big Time, Bubba. Not that Green Bay is the Big Time, but I mean in
NFL terms it kind of is, and also because Green Bay is so ridiculously small,
everything about the Packers is magnified. This is the only thing those
miserable bastards have to care about so of course they’re all gonna be up
Aaron Rodgers’ ass 24/7. I can see the dude wanting to get out, maybe going
back to California to finish things out, shoot insurance commercials 6 days of
the week and stroll in on Sundays to throw meaningless touchdowns for the 49ers
or some shit. That’s how this all ends for Aaron Rodgers, and maybe that’s
closer than anyone thought. Please let this be true. Please let this be true.
Please let this be true.
Pick: Green Bay
Cincinnati (+8.5) at
Cleveland
lol look at the Browns swinging that dick around. All 5.5” of
it. But shit, 5.5” is a lot to work with when you’ve spent your whole life with
a baby dick man-clit down there, just furiously jacking away with two fingers,
flicking the ol’ bean like a woman. Anyway, the Browns may have actually
finally found their way out of hell. They aren’t anywhere near heaven yet, but
fuck it, who among us, amirite? Anyway, Dan, I’m glad you at least can get your
whole hand around your dick now.
Pick: Cleveland
L.A. Rams (-14) at
Arizona
“Beware false crownings.” That was my most prescient line
from that ill-fated Haiku abomination last week. I could sort of sniff this
out. The Rams were almost impossibly explosive and there comes a point where
you sort of let down and then you realize it’s harder than you thought to get
it back. In other words, the Rams peaked too early. It happens. They can still
probably get it back, but that shit isn’t easy to do. Beating the piss out of
the dogshit Cardinals is a good place to start, but to be honest, I’m not
really sure if that’s true. The Rams almost need a real test, a backs against
the wall kind of game to force them to step their shit up. They can sleepwalk
through this game, which means that one more week will go by and if they’re not
careful they’re gonna run out of time and get got by some half-shitty wild card
team.
Pick: Rams
Chicago (-4) at San
Francisco
The 49ers have struggled out of the muck and now lay quivering
and exhausted in the reeds. They didn’t drown, which is good, but there’s still
a long way to go and there’s every chance that they’re just gonna be pecked to
death by a seagull or some shit anyway, so fuck it. The Bears, meanwhile, have made
this their year, which they do every 6 or 7 years in between sufferings. They
probably aren’t gonna win anything important because come on, but still, good
for them, I guess. Listen, I have always hated the Bears so this is as good as
it gets from me.
Pick: Bears
Pittsburgh (+5.5) at
New Orleans
This should probably be a fun game to watch. I mean, if you
ignore that one quarterback is a degenerate rapist who one woman said she felt
more uneasy around than Donald fucking
Trump, while the other is a torture advocate. lol what a league. Still,
people will put that out of their minds because that is what people do and unless
there is video footage or unless the woke brigade decides to march on the town
square no one will give a shit. This is the shallow, ridiculous world we live
in these days. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Pick: New Orleans
Kansas City (-2.5) at
Seattle
The Chiefs are pretty much the mirror of the Rams in that
they peaked too soon, but in their case, I think the Kareem Hunt thing fucked
them up more than people thought it would. I mean, yeah, he was an important
part of their offense, but I think people just sort of expected Pat Mahomes to
throw bombs while everyone hooted and beat their wives in celebration, Kareem
Hunt easily dismissed and forgotten. But it hasn’t really worked out like that,
and who knows if the Chiefs can really get it back? As it is, they might have
to settle for a wild card thanks to the Chargers unexpected palace coup which
takes Arrowhead out of the equation for them and probably dooms them to yet another
playoff disappointment. This is truly an Andy Reid team after all.
Pick: Seattle
Denver (-2.5) at
Oakland
Two old and bitter rivals playing in Oakland for the last
time. Naturally, the game is completely meaningless beyond that and both teams are
of shit. Life is rarely a song, hardly a coherent story. It is usually just a
mess of fucked up coincidences that ends with some rich asshole ruining your
life. At least Oakland fans can finally be free of this wretched cycle of
abuse. That is something. I mean, I guess.
Pick: Denver
Buffalo (+13) at New
England
I’ve had a lot of fun with Tom Brady this season, but the
truth is that the whole cold souled serial killer thing only works if the dude
continues to be inhuman and sadly, this season, at time anyway, Tom Brady has
actually looked . . . old? Yes, it pains me to say it because, all the bullshit
aside, I have been a ride or die Tom Brady dude since his years at Michigan (Go
Blue) but time is a bitch and she comes for us all. Tom is only a year older
than me, so this one is especially poignant. I mean, he has kind of been a
generational touchstone for me going back to the Michigan years. I have followed
this dude since he was a literal teenager. Since we both were literal
teenagers. To know that the end is at least peaking over the horizon, maybe
still a ways off but definitely there, years and years and countless memories
behind us both if we dare to look back, is kind of depressing. But what the
hell, Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time, he’s won a shitload of
titles and will be remembered forever. And I . . . well, I’m a junkie who can
never get his shit together, an ocean of promise and talent sabotaged by a
complete lack of hustle or will to play the sort of soul dick suckery games
that can get me noticed by the People That Matter. But fuck all that. You
Matter. I Matter. Everything else is just a soul con. It’s been a hell of a run
for Tom Brady, and when I look back on my own shit, I realize that I have
blazed a fucking wild trail of gibberish and also had an impact, if not for my
own benefit, then for a lot of dudes and lady dudes who have taken what I’ve
done and maybe let a touch of it bleed into their own art or their own way of
looking at the world. I am not a “success” artistically by any conventional
means. Hell, I am an utter failure by that metric, but I don’t have thousands
and thousands of followers who only sort of like me. I have a handful, though,
a large handful, maybe even an armful, who love my stupid ass, who know that, like
Tom Brady, I am the goddamn greatest of all time. Fuck the rest.
Pick: New England
