Okay. On to part two of the best of the best in the Detroit Lions in The Age of Neil. The first part was trying indeed and left a lot of us sad and bewildered, but we are warriors of light and pure of spirit and thus we will continue to brave the harsh realities laid out before us. Unfortunately, part two will focus on the defense and if you thought I had to reach for some dudes in part one(No, not reach for some dudes in that way. Well, maybe . . . wait, what?), you haven't seen anything yet.(I refuse to submit to the will of those degenerates in Bachman Turner Overdrive with their colloquial Ain't Seen Nuthin' Yet bullshit. This is America, damn it, and it's important to have standards.)
Anyway, yeah, the defense. GOOD LORD. I knew there would be, uh . . . let's call them issues here, but there are a couple of positions where I am simply dumbfounded, and it makes me wonder how the Lions even managed to survive these many years if some of these dudes can truly be called the best of the best. And then I remember that they haven't really survived and it all starts to make sense and then I sit and weep for a while, wail and tear at my clothes and punch holes in the wall and then the lady at the bookstore asks me to please leave because I am making a scene. Ahem. This is not as fun as it should have been. I should not be surprised, but what the hell, I am an optimist, and sometimes part of being an optimist is experiencing the unique pain of great disappointment and so I shouldn't complain. Then again, I am a blogger which is 21st Century English for complainer, so fuck it, I'm so confused. But you don't want to hear about my weird neuroses or about the crude noose I have fashioned out of old neckties. No, you just want to hear some gibberish about football, and so, nice guy that I am, I will indulge you.
LEFT DEFENSIVE END: ROBERT PORCHER
I thought about just including two defensive ends regardless of the left and right designation, but that would be unseemly and unnatural and would possibly lead to an armed insurrection in hell and by year's end we would all be ruled over by Zombie Hitler and a gang of Nazi cannibals. Horrible, just awful. No, I'm not entirely sure how all of that follows either, but just to be safe, we'll be smart and break it down into left and right ends anyway. This is because I am a defender of mankind, and quite frankly, you're welcome.
Okay, anyway, Porcher is a no-brainer pick here(the no-brainer part is especially good because of the potential for Zombie Nazis . . .). Really, aside from one or two other players, no one else was as obvious a pick as Porcher is at his position. He is the Lions all-time sack leader with 95.5, a three time Pro Bowl selection(I have decided that Pro Bowler sounds wrong as it gives the impression that he gave up football to hang out with The Dude and Walter at the bowling alley.), and a three time All Pro. No one else even comes close here.
DEFENSIVE TACKLE: LUTHER ELLISS
I decided to have one conventional 4-3 defensive tackle spot and one 3-4 nose tackle spot on this team because the Lions have played both in my lifetime, and it felt weird not making a distinction. Anyway, I went with Elliss at this spot. He was a two time Pro Bowl selection even though he never really put up eye popping numbers. He was just a big, tough versatile player who could plug the middle on 1st and 2nd down and rush the quarterback on passing downs. He was a stalwart for the Lions line - which at one time, believe it or not was actually considered a strength - for several years. Much like Lomas Brown and Kevin Glover on the other side of the ball, Elliss is a player who I have fond memories of, and on this team, sadly, that's kind of a rare thing.
NOSE TACKLE: JERRY BALL
I couldn't have this team without Jerry Ball, and if I am being honest, he is the real reason for the distinction between defensive tackle and nose tackle. You see, Jerry was a true nose tackle. He wasn't an under tackle whose job was to get to the quarterback. No, his job was to be a fat monster who would plug the middle of the line.
It's a testament to Ball's presence that it seems like he was a Detroit Lion for life, instead of a dude who only spent half his career here. Later on, he went to Cleveland, Oakland and Minnesota, where he played as a more conventional defensive tackle, but he got his start in Detroit as a nose tackle and that is where he had his most success. With the Lions, he was selected to the Pro Bowl three times and was a first team All Pro in 1991. And perhaps more importantly than that, when I first thought of doing something like this, his was the first name I thought of when I thought of the defense. It wasn't necessarily because of how great he was - although he was very good - but because when I first became really aware as a fan(something I talked about in an earlier post), Jerry Ball was the man. He was larger than life to me, and in my mind, this team couldn't exist without him being a part of it.
RIGHT DEFENSIVE END: WILLIAM GAY
Ugh. This one was tough, and not because there were too many quality dudes to pick from. There is Al Baker, who honestly is probably the best of the bunch, but I don't remember him at all and his best years with the Lions came before I was even born, which disqualifies him. There is Tracy Scroggins, who stuck around for a long time and was a semi-productive player, but he never really seemed like anything more than just another dude.
I guess that leaves Gay. I don't really remember William Gay. I suppose, technically, that I am aware that I watched him at one point, but I still don't really remember him. I know he was a very good player for a few years, and in 1983 he notched 13.5 sacks and was named UPI first team All Conference. So, really, by default, William Gay is the man here. I suppose I should also mention that in my notes for this infernal project(yes, I took notes, in an epic fit of nerdery, but they are rudimentary and sad. Let that help or hurt your opinion of me in whatever way you see fit.), in parentheses next to Gay's name(obviously, I like parentheses), I have written this: JOKE ABOUT NAME? NO. HOMOPHOBIC? YES, BUT ALSO GAY JOKES SUCK. BETTER THAN THAT. Now, obviously that last part about me being better than that is a terrible lie, and I suppose I did just make the joke without making the joke, which is a zen sort of thing best left to high level thinkers such as myself, but what the hell, you know? No? Neither do I. Never mind, let's just move on.
OUTSIDE LINEBACKER: MIKE COFER, REGGIE BROWN
I know, I know, I should probably split this up into left and right outside linebacker or, better yet, strongside and weakside linebacker, but both Cofer and Brown played on the right side and damn it all, there simply isn't anyone else.
Really, there isn't. I mean, who the hell else was I going to with here? George Jamison? Jimmy Williams? Please. No, really, please, I'm begging you, don't make me relive this shit.
Sigh. Okay, fine, I'll keep going. Cofer was the man when I was a kid, as discussed in that same post I linked to in that blather about Jerry Ball, and even though his actual accomplishments don't really match up to those in my head, he was still pretty good. He had 62.5 sacks as a Detroit Lion and was selected to the Pro Bowl in 1988. That pretty much makes him the king of this shit heap.
Brown, on the other hand, is an interesting case. He was a terrific young linebacker who looked like he was going to be a star for the Lions, or at the very least a very productive linebacker for a solid decade, but then cruel fate intervened and Brown almost died on the field during his last game with the Lions, the last game of the 1997 season. He had to be given CPR on the field and needed emergency surgery to avoid the Mike Utley retirement plan. He was able to walk again, but he never played football again, a blow the Lions have never really recovered from, much like the loss of Utley and Erik Andolsek on the other side of the ball. Brown only played 26 games in his career, but they were a pretty damn good 26 games and that combined with the long lasting impact his injury had on the Lions makes it tough to leave him off this team. On the other hand, it's easy to include him when his closest competition is George Jamison. So, somehow, someway, a dude who only played 26 games is almost a no-brainer. I suppose I could mention Ernie Sims, but that would only be because he has a monkey and a shitload of lizards and I will not be bribed by your monkey, Ernie Sims. No, indeed. So, Brown it is.
INSIDE LINEBACKER/MIDDLE LINEBACKER: CHRIS SPIELMAN, STEPHEN BOYD
As another nod to the fact that the Lions used both the 4-3 and the 3-4 extensively over the span of my fandom, I have decided to include four linebackers as well as four defensive linemen on this fictional team, which should come in handy when we face better fictional teams, because having twelve players on the field should be an advantage.
Anyway, Spielman was an obvious pick. I had to include him. Spielman is the best defensive player the Lions have had during my many years as a Lions fan, a four time Pro Bowl selection and an All Pro in 1991. Spielman was the heart and soul of the Lions defense in those years when they were actually semi-respectable. He was the spearhead of the defense during an era when I actually had hope. Perhaps it was a naive hope, youthful and trusting, but it was hope nonetheless. Barry Sanders was the avatar of that hope, the champion of my wildest football hopes and dreams, but Chris Spielman was its spine, the support, the one man who was always there, who always made me breathe easy and make me feel that even though we had problems - and there were always problems - he would always be there in the middle of the field, ready to solve them. So yeah, he's on the team.
Stephen Boyd was never supposed to be the heir apparent to Spielman, but when Spielman's stay in Detroit abruptly ended, Boyd stepped in and put together back to back Pro Bowl seasons in those waning days, when the light and the glory of St. Barry and Spielman and Herman Moore had not quite faded and just before the dark curtain of Millen fell. Sadly, Boyd's career was ended by injuries before he hit 30, but before he went, Boyd was the last tough ass kicker we had on defense, the last gasp of nobility in a dying world. He wasn't Spielman, but he was still damn good, and because of that, he's on the team.
CORNERBACK: DRE BLY, BRYANT WESTBROOK
OH LORD, WHY??? This is where things get truly sad. I mean, look at those names. Those are the two best cornerbacks the Lions have had in my lifetime. Excuse me while I boil in my head in battery acid and then shove a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire up my . . . never mind, that was getting out of hand. Anyway, this kind of explains a lot, doesn't it? I mean, the fact that these two dudes are the best of the best at anything really drives home the state of the Detroit Lions over these many harrowing years.
Bly is the only Lions cornerback to make the Pro Bowl in my entire life. It's true. You can look that shit up. A ball hawk who often gave up big plays in pursuit of making the big play on defense, Bly managed to snare back to back invites to the Pro Bowl in 2003 and 2004. Bly was never really that good of a player, but he's the best of the best for the Lions in my lifetime and really, isn't that unfathomably sad?
Bly's stay with the Lions finally ended when he contracted Lions Disease and was traded to the Broncos for the Underwear Thief and Lennie Small, which is retrospect might be one of the most amazing trades in team history, if only from a purely comedic standpoint. Oh well, thanks for that anyway, Dre.
Westbrook, on the other hand, was a bona fide blue chip player, drafted fifth overall in 1997. He promised to be the solution to the Lions fabled woes at cornerback, and seemed well on his way to being a Pro Bowl caliber player, but then the Failure Demon popped up, slashed Westbrook's Achilles and then ran cackling back to hell. Westbrook was basically finished after that, and because of it he never lived up to his promise, and while that may disqualify him from greatness, sadly, it is enough to get him on this team.
One guy I should probably mention here is Ray Crockett, or Big Play Ray as he was known throughout the league. Crockett won two Super Bowls with the Broncos, but he started his career with the Lions and spent a few seasons as a ball hawking cornerback with them before moving on to greener pastures.(Although, to be fair, those pastures were likely stripped bare by John Elway and the grazing of his horse teeth before Crockett could get there. Was that mean? Eh, whatever.)
I strongly considered Crockett for the team, but then I checked out his Wikipedia page, which had about a two sentence blurb about the fact that he was a football player and then a couple of paragraphs discussing his reality show ventures over the past several years, including a stint with Dick Butkus in that ESPN show Bound For Glory, some game show called Identity, where someone had to apparently correctly guess who he was(I find it hilarious that Wikipedia notes that they correctly guessed that he was a football player. I am thinking that if they had to guess who he was specifically, they would still be there today, asking questions. "Your first name is Ray and your last name is the same as the main character from Miami Vice? Uh, Ray Tubbs? No?"), and then finally, and most ridiculously, in that Morgan Spurlock show 30 Days, in which Crockett apparently lived for thirty days in a wheelchair so he could experience what it was like to be Mike Utley. That's not even a joke! That's the reason given! Now, this is just me, but it doesn't speak all that highly of your skills as a football player when, according to your Wikipedia page(which, as we all know, is a bastion of uncompromising integrity), your biggest claim to fame is riding around in a wheelchair on TV for thirty days.
FREE SAFETY: BENNIE BLADES
I could have gone with Blades at either the free or strong safety position because he played both for the Lions during his career, but he spent more time at free safety, and that is where he played during the peak of his career, so free safety it is.
Blades is the best player the Lions have had in the defensive secondary during my lifetime. That's kind of a sad statement. It's not really a knock on Blades. He was a very good player, a perennial leader for the Lions defense who was selected to the Pro Bowl in that great year 1991. But still, best of the best of my lifetime? Yeah.
Again, I liked Blades - a lot, actually - and he is one of those rare players who I have fond memories of, but when Bennie Blades is hands down the best player in your entire secondary over a span of close to 30 years, things aren't going so well, you know? Still, Blades was pretty damn good and along with Ball, Porcher and Spielman, he is a dude who actually is a credit to this team and not just some guy I had to reach for because there was no one else. So, there is that, you know?
STRONG SAFETY: WILLIAM WHITE
Yeah, I know. Not exactly inspiring, but who the hell else was I going to pick? Ron Rice? Seriously, it's that bad. Which isn't to say that White was a bad player. Not at all, actually. He was Blades' partner in the secondary for a few years and was a definite asset. His best season probably came in 1990 when he intercepted five passes and racked up 106 tackles. Pretty good numbers. Unfortunately, this is a best of the best team and usually you hope for better than "Pretty good", you know? Sadly(or perhaps thankfully, depending on your point of view), I have nothing really left to say about strong safety, which, really, is an indictment of the lack of, well . . . anything worth talking about at the position during my lifetime. That's not really a good thing.
KICKER: JASON HANSON
With apologies to Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson is the obvious choice here. I mean, in the past year alone, I have written two posts which have basically just been about Jason Hanson and what he means to Lions fans. And he's a fucking kicker. I don't think I need to say anything I haven't already said before about Hanson and so I won't. You're welcome.
PUNTER: JIM ARNOLD
Look, this thing is already a million words long and I am not going to write a million more about a punter, okay? Arnold was a very good punter for several years with the Lions. He was selected to the Pro Bowl twice and was an All Pro in 1987. There have been other good punters since, guys like John Jett and, what the hell, Nick Harris, but Arnold is the only one to be honored as the best of the best in the entire league, and so he's the pick here.
RETURN SPECIALIST: MEL GRAY
I could break this up into separate kick and punt return positions, but Gray would be the guy at both spots so what's the point? Gray was the first in a long line of excellent return men for the Lions. He was a four time Pro Bowl selection and a three time All Pro. You can't really beat that. The Lions had some good ones after Gray, guys like Glyn Milburn, Terry Fair, Desmond Howard and Eddie Drummond, but Gray was the first and he was the best and he's our man.
HEAD COACH: WAYNE FONTES
Jesus. It has come to this. Wayne fucking Fontes. For most of his stay with the Lions, Fontes was regarded as a joke, a buffoon who occasionally lucked into success on account of the fact that he had Barry Sanders, Chris Spielman, Herman Moore, Robert Porcher, Bennie Blades, Brett Perriman, Lomas Brown, Kevin Glover, Jerry Ball, Jason Hanson, etc. With that kind of talent, the Lions should have been perennial contenders, but with Fontes at the helm, they would often find themselves inexplicably floundering at 5-11 or 6-10. They were kinda like the Jacksonville Jaguars of their day, sometimes good, sometimes not, always somewhat baffling. And perhaps worst of all, Fontes was the man who presided over the great wasting of Barry Sanders and that is a shameful thing indeed.
But the harsh reality, the one that should make all of us follow Barry Sanders down that river of tears, is that Wayne Fontes is the only head coach who actually occasionally won with the Lions in my lifetime. That is an exceptionally sad statement, but it is also terribly, terribly true and as much as it pains me to say so, Fontes is the man to lead this team. You will excuse me now while I go projectile vomit out of my window. Thank you and good night.
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