Through the strange and unseemly channels of the world of twitter, our very own Kevin, who covers the Falcons for us, responded to a desperate call of mine. You see, occasionally, I feel like writing but I'm not sure what to write about and so I figured I would use twitter to my advantage for a change instead of gibbering on about how my finger hurts or about how my head feels like it is going to collapse in on itself, and I asked the question - what should I write about? Kevin was the first to respond and he was wondering just what would make this upcoming season a success in my eyes.
Jesus. Talk about a loaded question, you know? I mean, I really, really don't want to be one of those dudes who slams his shoe on the table and starts screaming that if the team doesn't finish 10-6 or better then there will be hell to pay. That kind of ridiculous dick swinging doesn't do anyone any good. And by the way, I apologize for making you think of me slamming my shoe on the table while swinging my dick like a madman. That is unbecoming.
At the same time, though, I don't want to be the guy who watches his team go 2-14 again, pats them on the head while they waddle around with a diaper full of shit once again, tears on their faces and tell them that it's all right, that I still love them even though they are retarded and every day spent with them is a blessing. I mean, I'm not an asshole or anything. I'm not about to tell the poor drooling idiot that every day I drive past the zoo and contemplate leaving them in the cage with the polar bears, but shit, sometimes you need to hope for a little more than for your retarded little dude to not shit himself.
Okay, perhaps it is inappropriate of me to compare my relationship with the Lions with my relationship with my nonexistent retarded son. If I ever do have a retarded son, I will love him dearly and will probably not call him a retard. That would be wrong. I think the problem is, is that the Lions are not retarded. Sure, they seem to have all the hallmarks of a retard. They shit their pants with stunning regularity, they trip over their own feet, fall down and then sob their addled little heads off, and even though they try really, really hard, even the easiest things seem like advanced calculus to them. Those poor bastards. But not really. I mean, these are fully functional adult human beings, professional athletes who get paid millions of dollars to go out and play a game. Sometimes they fail in this endeavor and, lately - like, oh, say the last 50 years or so - they have failed spectacularly.
It is not too much to ask of capable people that they actually take a step forward from time to time and that's where we're at right now, I think. The bad news is that every time I have believed this in my life it has turned out to be a hoax, a cruel joke that I feel like is being played on me and me alone. Hey, Neil, look, your shitty team just beat the Cowboys and 49ers! Good luck in the playoffs, even though you won't need it because I think you're gonna do it this year! Oh shit, the Eagles! Scott Mitchell! Never mind! And on and on and on it goes.
The good news, though, is that for the first time in a long time, there is a real foundation for that optimism other than "Well, they have to get better, right?" Martin Mayhew is a real GM, someone who miraculously survived an apprenticeship under Matt Millen to become good at his job. That is like Hitler's secretary learning to become a competent head of state. Then again, I suppose it makes a certain sort of sense. Hitler's secretary, like Mayhew, would simply need to follow his boss around and make a mental note to do the exact opposite of whatever his insane boss was doing. I apologize. That was a wildly offensive comparison and was completely unfair to Hitler.
Meanwhile, Jim Schwartz is the first Lions head coach I have had confidence in since . . . wait, it will come to me. Maybe Bobby Ross? Even then, it felt like Ross was just a washed up old coach running on fumes. Wayne Fontes? Are you fucking serious? I ought to hit you for that. Get the hell out of here with that shit. Really, for the first time in my entire life as a Lions fan, I feel confident that we have a head coach who not only knows what he's doing, but can do it even better than the other guys. I have prayed for the barest mediocrity in a head coach for so long that is almost disorienting to have a head coach who seems like he's actively good.
Okay, okay, perhaps that is a little strong considering his first year on the job ended up with his team sitting at 2-14, but fuck it, that's not really his fault. I mean, there is no real way to quantify progress after an 0-16 season. I suppose, technically, that there was a two game improvement, but really, you could say there was a five game improvement, a ten game improvement, because that team could have gone 0-20 or 0-25. Who knows how truly terrible they were? That's the dark heart of that miserable season, the abyss that none of us want to look down into for fear that we will fall forever and will slowly go mad trying to comprehend even the tiniest truth about that awful, awful team. Excuse me while I shiver for a while and then go take a bath in acid.
Okay, much better. Anyway, that is kind of the issue here. It is still too tough to really calibrate expectations - or at least, it is to a reasonable person. We are still dealing with the horrific fallout from 0-16. I mean, yeah, the initial blast happened, a bunch of people died and we all mourned, but there are still babies being born with three arms and two asses and no heads, you know? It will be a while before any of us are able to truly comprehend what that season did and what it meant.
So, I guess my answer to the question of what would constitute a successful season in my eyes is not something that I can really quantify. There is no explanation that would make sense other than to say that it is something that I will feel. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's also very, very true. Just like I feel like Jim Schwartz is a terrific football coach even though his first team went 2-14, I will feel that moment when this team seems like it's ready to slug it out with everyone else. Right now, it still kinda feels like whenever the Lions do well it's because they landed a lucky punch after having spent most of the time ducking and covering. That's really not a lot of fun. But I know they've been training, I know they've been getting better and the day that they are able to stand toe to toe and slug it out with everyone they face is the day that I know they have made it, win or lose. So, it's not so much about the record - at least not this year. Not yet. It's about seeing whether or not they can hang with the good teams, about whether or not they can make an opposing fanbase sweat a little bit.
No one believes in the Lions. They just don't. They are a joke and everybody laughs at them. Everybody laughs at me, at all of us Lions fans, and you know what? It's well earned. But what I want to see is that moment when their laughter gets stuck in their throats, their smile fades and their eyes grow huge because they realize that they're in a fight. That moment is the moment where it will really begin, when we can start to look at the record and the wins and losses and when we can finally say that we're here, that our long, horrible journey is over, that we have spent 40 years(well, fifty)wandering in the desert and now we have come to make war on all those who stand against us. I want that moment, that beginning. And that, that moment where we stand tall and everybody knows us, and everybody knows that we have come to fight, is what will make this season a success.
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