Time To Put On A Happy Face!

It occurs to me that my last post might have been a tad too negative, even for me, and with that in mind, and in the wake of the sad departure of my dear Patriots loving colleague, I have decided to be more positive. Indeed, for this post, I am determined to only see the bright side, to grab hold of a rainbow and frolic with it in the dewy meadow under a bright morning sun. Forget the fire and the brimstone, the threats of suicide, the strange digressions and depraved imagery. For the rest of this post, I will do my best to be Grantland Rice on goofballs, Fred Rogers on laughing gas, Richard Simmons on Ben&Jerry's.

Okay, here we go. Oh, and from here on, there will be no foul language, no dastardly cussin', because cussin' is wrong, and as someone very wise once told me, cuss words are the sign of an uncreative mind, as is sarcasm, so let's get creative!!! And fun!!!

This week, the Chicago Bears jaunt into town, fresh off of an exciting and invigorating win over Brett Favre and the Magical Minnesota Vikings. Behind the scintillating play of that Four Star Field General, Jay Cutler, and the piston like running of that jackrabbit in cleats, Matt Forte, along with a suffocating and spectacular defensive eleven that gave up a mere 30 points to Wonderboy Favre and his Purple Powerhouse, the Ursine Warriors from the Windy City turned their season around and gave Bears fans everywhere the Christmas gift of a lifetime!

But fear not, fellow Lions fans, for while the growl of the grizzly is indeed an intimidating sound, it cannot compare with the full throated roar of the noble lion. No, indeed! And our Lions will have plenty to roar about when the Bears march into Ford Field, which has seen it's share of big games - Super Bowls, Final Fours, Chris Benoit's last Wrestlemania match before he retired to tend to his family - but none will be bigger than this titanic showdown between two of the NFL's most renowned and tradition laden franchises. Yes, folks, Ford Field will be the scene for a thunderous encounter between these two behemoths, and we can only hope that the roar on the field matches the cacophonous Lion's roar produced by the 968 fans in the stands.

But fear not, folks, because with two teams like this, the game couldn't possibly be anything other than SPECTACULAR! While the Bears have Cutler, that magician whose ball skills make him the Houdini of Halas' Heartthrobs, the Lions have Drew Stanton, a local boy with the heart of an actual lion, a fierce and proud modern day Spartan who would make ol' Leonidas weep and drop to his knees, genuflecting before the pure grace and raw courage and grit of such an elegant and perfect warrior. Any quarterback can throw a measly touchdown, but not every quarterback will be the first man on the scene to tackle the defender after he intercepts a perfectly thrown ball. And yet, there is our man, The King of Grit, The Lord of Pluck, Drew Stanton, valiantly hurling his body against the walls of his Leviathan of an opponent, putting his mortal body in harm's way so that his immortal spirit carries on in the mouths and hearts of generations of Lions fans. God Bless You, noble warrior!

But it's not all Drew Stanton for the Lions. No, sir. Not by a long shot! The Motor City Maulers also have a fleet footed deer of a receiver in Calvin Johnson, who is reputed to have once outrun a cheetah and outjumped Superman! In fact, one fella even remarked that Calvin Johnson was none other than renowned super hero, Dr. Manhattan! WOW!!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!

But even if somehow those noble and fierce Kings Of The Jungle are stopped by the Monsters of the Midway, the Lions Great Wall, led by beloved veteran Jeff Backus and fan favorite Dominic Raiola, should open holes for the spectacular crazy legged running of that wild hare, Maurice "Mercury" Morris. He will elegantly glide in and out of every hole faster than you can say Jack Robinson. And that's pretty darn quick! And, you didn't hear it from this fella here, but I wouldn't be surprised to see Kevin Smith make a miracle recovery and lope onto the field with the spirit of Barry Sanders in his heart and the support of those hundreds of fans in attendance spurring him on.

Indeed, the Lions Perfect Playmakers are on pace to exceed the wildest hopes and dreams of an entire fanbase! There will be times when it will seem like Bobby Layne, Barry Sanders, Herman Moore, Lomas Brown, and the cast of 300 are out there running and throwing and catching the ball. I know it will be tough, but try to remember that these are real Mortal Men! UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION!!!

Defensively, the Ford Field Fanatics will be treated to quite the show indeed, as the collection of playmakers general manager Martin Mayhew has assembled, building off of the fine, groundbreaking work of that trendsetter Matt Millen, will call to mind the ghosts of Lem Barney, Joe Schmidt and Chris Spielman. Their spirits will echo around the crowded confines of Ford Field, filling that wondrous hall with the power of a thousand angels! WOW!

But even if somehow the Mighty Men of the Midway keep pace with the Boys in Honolulu Blue, don't you worry your silly little heads, because the Lions have a secret weapon. Indeed, Jim Schwartz, that modern day Lombardi, that incarnation of Alexander the Great, that man who led the Jews out of bondage in Egypt, will call upon every bit of power inside of his vast soul, and then he'll reach down beyond that and call upon the magic of the greats that came before him, men like, uh, Wayne Fontes, and he'll dial up a Whiz Bang Golly Gee Willickers play that will KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!!! Seriously, they will just fly right off!

It's a grand time to be a fan of the Detroit Lions. Yes, indeed! Their third win will be a magical moment, a moment that all Lions fans across the world, fans from Timbuktu to La Paz, can be proud of. It will be a moment that will live in the record books forever. Three Wins!!! Can you even imagine such a thing??? I'm getting chills just thinking about it!

But fear not, Lions fans, for even if the Lions somehow don't come away with that unprecedented third win, they will find themselves the envy of the league. That's right, THE WHOLE LEAGUE!!! And that's because the Lions will once again have the pick of the litter, the cream of the crop, the cliché of the cliché, in the upcoming NFL Draft, and that will mean they can draft Ndamukong Suh, that Man Mountain from the Plains of Nebraska, and if nothing else, that will give me a chance to work even harder on my spelling of Ndamukong. HOORAY!!!

Well, folks, this is the last game of the season, and it's been a blast! But don't you worry, because the Lions that live in our heart will go on even when the pigskin has stopped being snapped. I only wish that we could somehow extend the season another month. There's still so much more to do, so much magic to experience, so much talent to enjoy. I mean, after all, we will only get one more chance to enjoy the once in a lifetime show that is Drew Stanton, and after it's all over, we won't even get to see that First Ballot Hall of Famer, Daunte Culpepper anymore. And that's a shame. His talent and drive is even more remarkable when you consider that in the off-season, he is rumored to be a Boat Captain. I am not entirely clear on the details, but apparently it is a Love Boat of some sort, and isn't that fantastic? I will be sorry to see him go.

But let's just turn that frown upside down! That's the spirit! The 2009 season is drawing to a close, and with it, another magical Lions season is almost in the books. I have heard rumors that they sometimes play football all the way through January, but I don't believe them because if they did then surely the Lions would keep on playing every year. Silliness!!!

Well, alright, I have to go now, because the sedatives the orderlies shot me full of a while back are wearing off. I'll see you all in Narnia, where we'll frolic in the Gumball fields and pick Lollipops off of Candy Cane trees! Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: BEARS 24, LIONS 7