It's Christmas this week, which is why you're getting the game preview today instead of later in the week. It's also why I will probably get a bunch of dumb shit wrong because injury reports, who's going to play and not play, etc. are always sketchy in the middle of the week. But fuck all that, I'm not about to spend Christmas writing up a game preview for a 2-12 team. I may be insane, but I'm not that insane.
Anyway, I suppose I could do a Christmas themed post, but you and I are both above all of that nonsense and it would inevitably just lead to disturbing gibberish involving Santa Claus running naked through the streets anyway, so we will not go down that route. Unless, of course, I get bored and just head off in that direction anyway, which as you should all know by now is a distinct and terrifying possibility.
But enough nonsense, we have a game this weekend. And fortunately for us, Detroit's opponent, the 49ers, are not the same 49ers team that inspired mass hatred and outright disgust for oh so many years. Unfortunately, as you can all see thanks to my man, P.B., in his post right below this one, the 49ers are also a team on the way up. Sure, sure, there are some hopeful idiots - including me if I am being honest - who believe that the Lions are a team on the rise too, but the 49ers rise to mediocrity is a far cry from the Lions own immortal rise from Worst Team Ever to Merely A Horrible Team.
Indeed. It seems as if the 49ers are finally knocking on the door of respectability once again, although perhaps a better way of saying that is Mike Singletary is screaming at the door and whipping it with his pants, which he has ripped off in a fit of rage. Singletary's legendary intensity seems to be the defining story surrounding the 49ers these days, which is unfortunate because it obscures the fact the he is kind of shitty as an actual coach, and it also takes away from the fact that the 49ers have a solid core of young, talented players who are carrying this team on their backs.
For the first time in a while, the 49ers have some real, live playmakers on both sides of the ball. On offense, Frank Gore is only a breath away from yet another 1,000 yard campaign, and Vernon Davis has finally emerged as a go to target at tight end. Meanwhile, Michael Crabtree finally apparently realized that the last high profile wide receiver to sit out a whole season in between college and the NFL was named Mike Williams and he got his ass to practice, giving the 49ers a legitimate weapon at wide receiver. Unfortunately for the Niners, they are still looking for a legit NFL quarterback. Sure, sure, Alex Smith is having his best season as a pro, but that's like saying that Hitler had a better 1944 than 1945 or that Rod Marinelli had a better year in 2007 than in 2008. Yeah, it's technically true, but in the end, there were still many tears and there was much bloodshed. Millions of people died and when it was over, all that was left was for the world to remake itself under a banner of . . . okay, perhaps I have carried this thing a little far. The point is, is that although Smith hasn't been an outright disaster since taking over as starter part way through the season, he's still not that good of a quarterback, having amassed a ho hum passer rating of 78.5.
Defensively, the 49ers have an absolute stud in Patrick Willis. He might be the best linebacker in the NFL. Like the offense, there is still a ways to go before it is a championship caliber unit, but there are some pieces in place, led by Willis, and if they get continued improvement from Ahmad Brooks along with an improved pass rush, there could really be something worth getting excited about here.
Yes, it's not a bad time to be a 49ers fan, and thankfully . . . oh, wait, what? Oh, that's right. Shit. Apparently, I am a Lions fan and that's what I'm supposed to be writing about. Damn it all. I was getting all excited about the future of the 49ers too. And why not? I mean, it's certainly better than having to focus on the Lions thirteenth loss of the season on Sunday.
You want analysis? Okay, fine. The Lions defense will make a couple of big plays, but for the most part, they won't be good enough to stop the 49ers attack. Meanwhile, the Lions offense will score in between 0 and 7 points as Drew Stanton tries in a futile effort to prove that he can be a viable NFL quarterback.
Wait a minute. Drew Stanton? Indeed, voice inside my head. Ol' Plucky himself will apparently start for the Lions at quarterback this weekend, and while that is certainly better than the alternative who goes by the name of Daunte Culpepper, so is being hung by your balls from the ceiling like some form of disturbing mistletoe. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle's monkey, that was a Christmas reference!
Anyway, that bit of grotesque dipshittery aside, it will be kinda painful to watch as Drew Stanton stumbles his way around the field, throwing terrible interceptions and leading the team to an inevitable loss, because it will shatter the dreams of his die hard fanbase, those who think the poor boy only needs to be given a chance in order to succeed. I know, I know, this is essentially every Lions fan other than me, and as usual when I start writing about Ol' Plucky, I can just see my boy Ty shaking his head in mild disapproval, but what can I say? I just don't want to see you get your hearts broken. I am a humanitarian and a gentleman after all.
This season is now in its final death throes, and the Lions are crawling on broken glass to a finish where they will be mercifully beheaded and then fed to the dogs. That is not a happy story, nor is it a story that really lends itself to much intrigue or excitement. Sure, it might be interesting in a macabre way to see how many little cuts they get from the broken glass, and it might be perversely funny to watch them scramble around at the end trying to avoid that terrible axe, but in the end, that axe is going to fall, that head is going to come off and then we can watch the body get torn to shreds by wild dogs and hope that next year's journey has a happier end.
By the way, I think that's like the third or fourth post in a row in which I have gone on about someone getting beheaded. I swear, this is not intentional, and I'm not sure what the deal is. I think it might have something to do with me watching the second season of The Tudors on DVD, which featured practically half the cast getting their heads cut off. The best was when Anne Boleyn's jackass brother got it and he was trying to talk to the crowd like Sir Thomas More did. For Sir Thomas, the people were all quiet and respectful but they just screamed obscenities at poor ol' George Boleyn. Although nothing was as heart rending as King Henry VIII's reaction when his old mentor, Sir Thomas, got the axe. Heartbreaking shit, no doubt, heavy and pregnant with terrible emotion. You could feel Henry's . . . sigh. Okay, fine, the Lions.
The Lions will likely lose to the 49ers on Sunday. Without Matthew Stafford in there, it feels like the season is almost pointless, like each game is just another dumb exhibition, a showcase for the coaches to evaluate who gets to stick around next year and who will get stuffed in a trunk with Daunte Culpepper and dumped out of a plane into the Indian Ocean when the season is done. That is what will happen, right?
Oh well, these are the days that no fan wants to have to have to experience, but we are Lions fans, and this is the way it must be. Resignation is the only emotion any of us have left that won't leave us withered and beaten, reaching for a cocktail of Xanax and Motor Oil. There is football still to be played, but really it is just an echo of reality, the foul whispers of ghosts whose earthly bodies have already been decapitated and left at the gates of hell. Okay, I am getting ridiculous and melodramatic now, and so I'll just leave you with the immortal words of the sages Bill S. Preston Esq., and Ted Theodore Logan: Be excellent to each other. And in the thunderous words of Abraham Lincoln: Party on, dudes.
PREDICTED FINAL SCORE BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING FIVE PREDICTIONS THIS WEEK BECAUSE IT WOULD ONLY RESULT IN ABSURD RAMBLINGS ABOUT MONKEES AND PROBABLY CHEETAHS AND GIRAFFES SINCE THE IDEA OF FOCUSING SOLELY ON THE LIONS AND THE NON-ACHIEVEMENTS OF THEIR PLAYERS IS ENTIRELY TOO FRIGHTENING: 49ERS 24, LIONS 16
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