It’s been over a month since the NFL had it’s draft, and naturally, I have procrastinated to a degree only seen usually in the mentally ill or drug addicted, which lol April was not a good month for me as you buffoons all witnessed on the Twitter, and of course that all happened concurrent with the NFL Draft and at some point Ilhan Omar may have drafted me to rehab or maybe that was a crazy hallucination, we can’t be sure.
Anyway, yes, there has been a lot of shit that’s gone down in the NFL recently and I suppose I should write about it for you and for me and for us, as we get strapped into the rocket that will take us to gibberish island and perhaps some insights into the NFL and the culture at large. I don’t know if I will break this up into an AFC and NFC two-parter or if I will just write the fuck out of it all in one big bang of gibberish. So let’s just cease this dumb shit and get to talking about the FOOOOOOTTTTTTBAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL
AFC East
In the wake of the NFL Draft, it’s apparent that the Bills and Dolphins are leading the pack here. The Bills have Josh Allen and a whole lot of interesting offense with Steffon Diggs catching all them balls, and it’s a good time for the people of Buffalo, who, like all of us, are recovering from the Covid wars. You have to feel good about the Bills being good because they are one of those run down peoples who just can’t catch a break in any other part of life. They are spiritual brethren to Lions fans. And unlike the shitheads in Hickton, Tennessee or wherever, the people of Buffalo are Northern Scum, which isn’t a thing to be admired or anything, but it is not Bible Belt bullshit. It is just fat people buried under mountains of lake effect snow trying to get by.
And now that they have Josh Allen and that explosive offense, they can forget about their failure demons, and their murderous running back, OJ Simpson. Poor Thurman Thomas did not deserve that kind of legacy even as Jim Kelly’s jaw ate itself in a horrible scene that was likely penance for OJ’s misdeeds and also for what Jim Kelly probably did in his college days at Miami, which is notorious for being a bed of sin.
But the Bills have Miami chasing their ass, and the big question is whether Tua can be the dude who rolled everyone at Alabama. The Dolphins think Tua will be the dude, but what if he’s just a college hotshot? They’ve built a team with a pretty solid defense and they just need a new Dan Marino in Tua, but I don’t know that the dude has it, and if he doesn’t, this becomes yet another long “Remember when?” with Don Shula and the gang.
Meanwhile, Little Bill drafted Mac Jones from Alabama, and this is just pathetic. It’s an old man exposed, I mean we know the Brady Formula has left Little Bill looking like what he was all along, Bill Parcell’s handmaid. There is no way that some dick named fucking Mac Jones can be what Little Bill needs him to be. Which is Tom Brady. It just isn’t going to work and Little Bill and his fucking kids who are his assistant coaches now will have to eat the failure dick.
The fucking Jets panicked and sold off Sam Darnold and then drafted another QB, which… how will this time be different than the last time? Darnold was broken by the Jets being the Jets. This new kid, Zach Wilson, is a fresh faced Mormon and he will get destroyed in New York, probably end up turning tricks for truckers as they roll into the city from Jersey. It is just the dumbest Jets thing. You pretty much have to be a pirate like Joe Namath to survive the New York experience as a QB, but this Mormon motherfucker is gonna be stripped naked and crucified.
So, I think it’s the Bills and Dolphins here, and that’s only if Tua can get his shit together. Little Bill and Mac Jones are going to prove more than ever that Brady was the whole fucking thing, and the Mormon Jet isn’t doing shit.
AFC North
My god, this is my favorite division for sure. It is a collection of old hates and holy wars and shit people rising up to be something human. You have the Browns of course, who were wretchedly torn from their team back in the day, only to resurrect something new, something Cleveland. They hate the Ravens who were the stolen Browns, and then the Bengals were also founded by Paul Brown who was so important to Cleveland’s football team that they named the team after him. And then he went off, like a father leaving his family, to start a new family in Cincinnati. So, yeah, they all hate each other. And then you have the fucking Steelers, who are the King Dick’s of the division, the one team that all the rest hate. I love it so much, it is almost Shakespearean.
The Steelers drafted a running back in the first round, which seems to portent that they will try to drag the football wars into the shit. Their rapist QB is falling apart, and so they are gonna try to pivot to a defense strong, run game strong style, which is really a last desperate gasp because the Browns and Bengals are about to take off to another level.
I am committed to Baker Mayfield as the new Kenny Stabler. He is a Spirit Warrior who has proven himself already, beating back the hated Steelers. Like with Buffalo, Cleveland is kind of a kindred spirit, and I like the Browns. Also, Dan is a Brown’s fan, and Dan is a good dude who would probably let me crash on his couch, and that is meaningful. It’s all sunshine and rockets with Baker Mayfield, and if he can capture the Stabler in himself, he will do great things.
Joe Burrow on the other hand just got linked up with his favorite receiver from Baton Rouge, and then the Bengals stocked up on the offensive line, so Joe Burrow can go full force degenerate superstar, tossing balls to his boy during the day and pipelining coeds from Baton Rouge to Cincinnati in an underground railroad of, let's call them Joe Burrow enthusiasts. Louisiana puts out five star talent year after year.
But what of the Ravens? They keep shitting themselves in the playoffs, but they still have Lamar Jackson and a nasty defense. But it always seems to collapse when the playoffs come calling. Maybe it is Karma for doing what they did to Cleveland. There are spiritual consequences that have to be respected. Of course, the Ravens have won the Super Bowl so maybe there is no justice for the people of Cleveland. Life is shit. But the Browns will own that shit. There is a joke here about the Browns and shit but I am too sophisticated to make it.
The Bengals and the Browns both got better, and the Ravens are always going to be up there, but the fucking Steelers are wide open to be taken down I think. Rapist QB will finally get broken and then it’s just a feeding frenzy as the new kids take control of the division.
AFC South
Uh, Houston is a fucking dumpster fire. Deshaun Watson apparently has sex predded the entire massage game down in Houston. Just slapping his dick all over the place. He probably isn’t even going to play this season once the NFL goons get to him. The dude is like a serial predator, which I don’t think the Texans want as their image. JJ Watt has fled the scene and the whole thing is just a nasty fucking business. The dude is basically just running around exposing himself to anyone and everyone. He’s a goddamn monster.
lol that’s one way to build a franchise I guess. Of course, Urban Meyer down in Jacksonville is going to take his Aaron Hernandez enabling ass to horrible places. He drafted Trevor Lawrence and he is going to get that kid hooked on something terrible, probably sex predation, and then he’s got his old buddy Tim Tebow trying out at tight end, and Urban Meyer is so dark a figure and now he has no boundaries, no NCAA shit hanging over his head, he is just going to be given the power of hedonist island, and he is gonna do some bonkers shit. And let’s not forget, the Jags owners are also wrapped up in pro wrestling. I mean this could get super dark.
So, half the division is a sex pred playground, which leaves the Colts and Titans to figure out who is gonna win this disgusting division. The Colts traded for Carson Wentz which is a poor choice. He is a Philly reject and I think Frank Reich thinks he can fix him, but it’s a gamble. You don’t normally want to take another team’s failure and make it your franchise shot.
So, that leaves the Titans with their strong running game and the miracle that is Ryan Tannehill, who after all this fucked up degeneracy, is probably the best QB in the division. Houston needs to be walled off like in the Army of the Dead, just let that zombie freak Houston culture eat itself. Jacksonville is primed for some degeneracy and the Colts are trying to resurrect a Philadelphia failure demon. It isn’t a good scene.
AFC West
Obviously, the Chiefs remain the kingpins here, but the Chargers might be able to fight fire with Justin Herbert and an offensive line that they have built to protect him. Of course, none of it will matter because nobody likes the Chargers. They have no fanbase. They are in LA as a second team and LA folks don’t even bother with the first team. They are nomads, left San Diego, and probably should have been the new Las Vegas team.
Of course, there is already a Las Vegas team, and I have spent thousands of words shitting on them. I should probably write a separate piece on the Las Vegas Raiders because there is so much meat to work with.
But for now, let’s just deal with the Raiders who could challenge KC or who could collapse in an ocean of their own bile. Gruden is a team builder. But, I mean, the dude did commentary for damn near 20 years so who fucking knows what he can do for the Raiders. He and Mike Mayock are drafting dudes who nobody else even wants to fuck with. It’s like they are building a team from decades old.
But fuck the Raiders, who have stomped all over the passion of its own fans, they deserve a horrific death in the desert.
But the big elephant in the room is The Devil himself, Aaron Rodgers. And the Denver Broncos are primed to trade for him, which spins this division on its head. It almost has to happen, right? Maybe that’s just me wanting him out of my division. If The Devil is let loose in Denver, young Mahomes is going to have to beg help from the angels.
Rodgers is second to Brady when it comes to the fire time and even if young Mahomes has all the skills, it won’t matter because The Devil always gets his way.
So that’s the AFC West, which is still Kansas City strong even if those fucking people are the dirt worst, insane idiots following Q to some white orgy of the mind.
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