Onto part two of whatever the hell this thing is. I guess it is just a snapshot post draft. But maybe with a little time to digest it all? I don’t fucking know. I never fucking know what I am gibbering about half the time, but maybe, after it is all over, it will make some sense. Who knows? Let’s just resume the gibbering…
NFC East
Right, so this crap factory of a division will be terrible again, but will receive excess attention because of the teams and the markets and all their horrible, horrible fans who should all be wrapped up in a super cannon and shot into the fucking sun. Except for sweet Tosh of course who loves his Eagles because he was born into it, just like he was born into ECW and the revolting Philly scene of which he is a king. But enough about Tosh, let’s get to the football gibberish.
The fucking Cowboys will always get the most attention because of the whole stupid America’s Team thing, and of course they are America’s team, that stupid part of America that is still hung up on MAGA bullshit and red hats and keeping Mexican kids in cages and FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS Y’ALL ugly bullshit Americana. Naturally, they drafted a shady character in Micah Parsons, who is known for soaping up and threatening rape on freshman recruits in the shower like fucking JBL of WWE infamy.
This is supposed to fix their uproariously awful defense, but of course, Parsons is a degenerate being fed into a moral wasteland of degeneracy, and will almost certainly be suspended after getting involved in a crank and hookers ring tied loosely to Jerry Jones shady oil empire of American disgrace. The offense should still be mostly fine, with Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliot and all the damn toys that Jerry Jones likes to watch go boom. But the moral center of the team is of course a black hole of disgusting vice and dark Americanism. DeShaun Watson would be the perfect quarterback for this team.
But the Cowboys will almost certainly self destruct again because the basic foundational problems are still there, which is that the defense is trash and Jerry Jones is a fucking idiot who is convinced he is a genius because he leeched onto some old time football buddies from way back in the day in Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer, old Arkansas teammates who he got fucked up with and fucked coeds of dubious age back when that was the golden age of American Male Debauchery.
But he has no old buddies to bail him out anymore and it will be the same old disappointing shit for the Cowboys and their empty souled fans. Not that there is anyone else to really pick up the divisional mantle and wear that crown proudly because all of these teams are shit.
The Eagles have really done nothing, just watched as their one off Super Bowl team disintegrated into dust and memory. They traded away Carson Wentz, signaling a sort of rebuild with Jalen Hurts, who is of dubious quality as an NFL quarterback. It seems the real braintrust of that Super Bowl team fled to Indianapolis and the Colts, leaving the Eagles and their oh so patient fans in the lurch. I figure by Halloween, those fans will be sneaking razorblades into the stadium to covertly cut their own players and watch them bleed in the hopes that Enter Sandman will blare from the speakers and the Sandman will come and cane everyone followed by Sabu moonsaulting from the top of the stadium onto the carnage below. Anything else would be a disappointment.
The Giants are still trying to win with their Duke dork of a QB, which is never a way to win the NFL and the Giants should know better, but they don’t and so here they are trying to make something work that never really had a chance. They have a small Spirit Warrior presence in defensive captain Jabrill Peppers, but he is only one man and can’t do much from his safety spot except watch as New York turns on the Giants yet again and Jimmy Hoffa’s moldering body curses them from beneath the endzone. Do they even play in that stadium anymore? I don’t fucking know, but I do know that the lingering stench of soulless evil follows them around to this day.
That leaves the Washington Football Team who lol still don’t have a name and are lurching disgracefully through woke times towards finding something, anything, of an identity that isn’t wildly offensive to someone. They did a good thing in dragging in Ryan Fitzpatrick to prop things up. He is a true Spirit Warrior at QB, oft traveled and swashbuckling in the way that only a Harvard man bent on self destruction can. But he alone probably isn’t enough to take this team to the next level. But they don’t really have to go to a next level to win this shithole of a division again, it’s just that they will then get unceremoniously blown out of the playoffs while more of their fans drift away never to return, which is story of the NFL East in a nutshell.
NFC North
Right, so this will be hard to write about without mentioning the Lions but I want to do a separate piece on them because they are my team and ostensibly are the soul and anchor of this fucked up blog, which, of course, is only appropriate. But I’ll try to make some sense of it anyway.
The big question, of course, is what the hell will happen with The Devil himself, Aaron Rodgers, who supposedly wants to finally get the hell out of Green Bay. I think there is some Hollywood envy in the Devil’s eyes, but neither Los Angeles team needs a QB, and neither does Las Vegas, but it would be interesting to see The Devil work his nasty business in the desert if the Raiders decided to really go for it.
The hot team that everyone talks about with Rodgers is the Broncos, but I don’t know what Denver offers the Devil other than self-important cocaine addicts and libertarian types who need to latch onto a Great White Stallion to satiate their Super Bowl dreams as they did with John Elway and the Home Depot manager stylings of Peyton Manning. It would all be acoustic guitars and checking on the price of Ethereum and Bitcoin while guzzling local microbrews and hoping the Devil can win with a nasty defense.
But that is speculating on the AFC West really, which we have already done, but the point is that the Devil seems to want out of Green Bay finally, like Dr. Burt Fever before him, and short of retiring and flashing tiny dick picks to sideline reporters, Rodgers doesn’t really have any leverage here. But once a relationship is poisoned, it’s usually best to just part ways and get out as advantageously as possible. But even if the Packers make a good deal, the Devil will still be gone and they will be left with, who, Jordan Love? That was always the plan, but the Packers can’t get so lucky again as they did when they drafted the Devil to replace Favre, right? Right???
That is the big question hanging over this whole division. Other than that, the Vikings are still stuck with Kirk Cousins, which is funny to me because I called that shit, and here we are with Captain Kirk leading a team to the brink of mediocrity yet again. He is a soulless house of cards, a nothing easily blown away by a breathless still wind. I wish him and the Vikings nothing but ill will while he is still their QB and while they still lean into the racist NORGE of their Viking “identity”.
The Bears… the fucking Bears managed to have Justin Fields fall right into their lap, which is the sort of thing that never happens to the Bears, but which also is probably a bad sign for Fields who faces two historical Failure Demons. One, is that the Bears never have a good QB. Their QB legacy is even more lowly than the Lions, which means that there are dark forces working against Fields right off the bat.
Second, is that Ohio St. QB’s are like Bears QB’s in that they never, ever pan out, going back to Art Schlicter and his gambling problems that got him run out of the NFL damn near 40 years ago. Since then, Ohio St has managed to produce not a single decent NFL quarterback. Dwayne Haskins is already being papered over in Washington.
So, the odds that Fields actually develops into anything other than the next great Bears/Ohio St. bust are slim. I mean, there are just so many dark historical factors working against him here. Dark energies are real things, man. I am a Lions fan, I know what I am talking about.
That leaves the Lions, who I will talk about later, but needless to say, I don’t see them winning the division, but I don’t see any of the other teams being particularly good either, especially if The Devil gets exorcized to the AFC West or anywhere else but here. Of course, if he manages to survive An Old Priest and a Young Priest, the Packers will probably take this shitty division. Man, the NFC really isn’t very good. At least not these first two divisions.
NFC South
King Brady of course stands tall here in this division. All questions about his legacy and who really ran the show in New England were empathically silenced by his unreal and surreal run to yet another Super Bowl triumph with the Bucs. There has never been anything like him before, and there probably won’t be anything like him again.
All that’s left for Brady is to retain control over his dazzling empire of Nazi medical research teams and the ever swirling and changing retinue of exoticos who populate he and Gisele’s life, both working and sexually. There are only so many undiscovered Amazonian virgin children you can find to eat before the jungles start crowding in around you, but that will all be part of Brady’s next journey as he searches for the mythical Fountain of Youth deep in the Amazonian jungles, the lost city of Z perhaps or maybe something beyond the human experience, with Ayahuasca taking him from himself and allowing him to float in another dimension in space and time, devoid of the pains and carnal desires of this world.
But, for now, Brady is still yearning to fulfill those carnal desires. It’s just that his appetite is greater than most mortal men. He is primed to once again lead Tampa Bay to Super Bowl glory and press that pleasure button which will get him closer and closer to physical gratification, but enlightenment can only be reached when he lets go of these desires and gives into the eternal pulse of pure love.
The Panthers are trying to make things interesting at least, trading for Sam Darnold, who probably got a bit of a raw deal in the jungle of New York football, where he crumbled under the never closing eye of scrutiny and also the weight of defensive linemen crushing him because he had no offensive line to protect him. But he doesn’t have to be the star of stars in Carolina. He can lean on Christian McCafferty, who lingered in and out of the lineup in last season’s weird COVID year. If he’s healthy, he is a dynamic weapon who can carry Carolina’s offense so long as Darnold holds up.
But the rest of the NFC South really didn’t do anything to get better to chase down Brady, perhaps giving up already and ceding the division to him for the time being. Drew Brees finally retired and can now go on to living a life advocating for torturing brown people in cages. It’s probably spiritually best for New Orleans to finally cut ties with such a despicable character, but that is New Orleans for you, whose people have been forced through the years to make various deals with various devils just to allow their fair city to survive. It’s all vampires and witches, some good, some bad, I make no judgments, but Brees was definitely one of the bad ones and I’m glad he’s gone.
In his absence, the Saints will look to either Taysom Hill or Jameious Winston, both of whom come with upside and questions. Taysom Hill, of course, is an alluring modern athlete sort of QB who can do things with his legs and arm, but he has never really proven that he can do it as the dude who carries the spiritual water for an entire team. We’ll find out this year whether he is that Dude or just a guy who can flash off the bench now and then. Winston, of course, has all the right tools, but he throws too many INTs and is also a crab leg thief and probable rapist. I understand the allure of both crab legs and pussy, but you can’t just take either without going through the right channels. I was gonna say without paying the price, but that would open up a whole new series of problematic gibberish.
If the Saints can’t lock onto their guy early on, they are done, finished, and probably would be in need of a rebuild soon, which is where the Falcons are even if they can’t admit it to themselves. Matt Ryan is still functional as a high level NFL QB but he is also old and the Falcons have slid into the abyss with him at QB. Julio Jones is also old and being openly shopped around the league and Todd Gurley didn’t work out at all as the team’s RB and is also on the market as a free agent. But instead of recognizing all of this and the shitty defense, the Falcons decided to go all in with their current core and drafted a fucking Tight End with the #3 pick, which is a super bold kind of stupid Lions move that can only backfire on them. I mean, I get it that they think that Kyle Pitts is the next great NFL Tight End, but at the end of the day that’s all he is, a good Tight End. Even if he is Tony Gonzalez reborn, or, fuck, Kellen Winslow, he still isn’t going to take the Falcons to the next level.
And the next level for the Falcons wouldn’t even be Super Bowl contention. It would just be bare mediocrity. This is probably the most delusional team in the NFL right now, and it will probably only get a whole lot darker before it starts to look fun again.
So, that clearly leaves Brady and the Bucs on top of this soft ass division again, and again, the NFC mostly looks like shit. The only hope lies in the…
NFC West
The big story here, of course, is Matthew Stafford coming to lead the Rams to Nirvana. Which is fascinating, because its also his chance to finally be part of a team that can actually make that journey. As such, it seems to be a match made in heaven, and I am openly supportive of Stafford and the Rams attempt to find love together.
Of course, it helps that Matty is going to a team already prepped for such a journey, with a killer defense still led by Aaron Donald. If Stafford can be the Dude who saved the Lions from the hellfire so many times with the Rams, then the Rams are of course maybe one of the only teams who can challenge Brady and his traveling Kingdom of Glory.
The Seahawks will be the Seahawks so long as Russell Wilson is still the QB and I have been long on record as being a supporter of Wilson’s talents. He is a dude who took a 5’11” body and molded it into a dynamic NFL star QB winner Spirit Warrior type. He also fucks Ciara every night so he has made the most of his talents for sure.
The Cardinals are interesting in that they keep pressing the pedal offensively with Kyler Murray, giving him more and more weapons to work with in the hope that he and the team can finally break through and challenge the Rams and Seahawks for the top of the NFC West, whose winner will almost certainly be the only team to challenge Brady in the NFC Championship game.
But the Cardinals are also devoid of any real Spiritual Energy, lost in that desert wasteland of Arizona, which is beautiful and rich in native energies, but has been colonized and terraformed to be an air conditioned suburb of Americanism which is a horrible disease that eats itself alive in a never ending orgy of capitalist greed. It is hard for anything beautiful to flourish in the desert, and what beauty is found is often gnarled and ugly, beautiful if only for its own hard-won survival. But it is not a place for humans, or at least soft, white humans and Arizona will always be fighting that spiritual rot of colonialists safe in their artificial mansions.
That leaves the 49ers, who are already seemingly moving on from Jimmy G, showing once again that living in the afterbirth of Brady’s supernova can only last so long before you are just a sludge of space rock wandering aimlessly through the cosmos. And so, the 49ers drafted Trey Lance, who is devoid of experience and seems to be one of those Build Your Own QB’s that NFL architects like to tinker with every now and then.
The belief is that Lance will be molded by a QB Guru, who in this case is… Kyle Shanahan? Shit. Oh well, so the hope is that Lance will be built up by the spell dust of nepotism which isn’t exactly a recipe for NFL success. That’s fine, though, for a franchise owned by a similarly nepotized dork who thinks he is a mind of staggering genius and not just some trust fund baby handed a team to run. It is an inbred culture sure to self-destruct for the wine-sniffing 49ers fans, lost in their own NorCal empire of shitty wine and overproduced weed. People just disappear in that world, an upperclass bourgie existence devoid of any real community structure, an echo of a Wild West run on its own rules, its own laws, its own devotion towards empiric greed. White Collar Gangstering over land and wine and weed. It would be interesting except that none of these people are, and so go the 49ers, who could be interesting, but are instead a collection of inbred idiots and general lawlessness, ignored because everyone is rich and white, and nobody cares when things start to collapse because everyone assumes there is always money to prop things up again when things go bad. And that is how an Empire collapses, and that is how the 49ers will continue to collapse as the years sag by.
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