Last week started off horribly, catastrophically, and I was thinking about changing my address and setting everything on fire before anyone who actually relies on these picks came for me for ruining their life, but we rebounded in the cold dark of hell and finished the week at 7-7 somehow. I was even better straight up, which shows that perhaps I do know what I am talking about a little even if it is mostly just ravings that bleed into social commentary and whatnot, heavy on the whatnot, but as always I emerge from the fire somehow still standing, all gassed up and ready to go with another week of Gambling With Sanity. Come with me if you want to live.
So, I fucked up and didn’t get this out on time, but IN GOOD FAITH, please believe me when I say I wrote up the Thursday game before it actually played and anyway the Falcons won so why would I lie about picking Carolina? Fuck it, I am confusing myself like I’m Marty McFly and Doc Brown is gonna save me or molest me or whatever their deal was and what the fuck am I even gibbering about? Just read the fucking words, okay?
Atlanta (+2.5) at Carolina
lololol so the idiot Falcons lost to the Lions basically by becoming the Lions with that unfortunate last minute touchdown that gave the ball back to Detroit and Stafford and if Matthew Stafford can do anything it is summon a last minute charge to the endzone. So, thanks for that. But for the Falcons it is just further evidence that their psychic history has caught up with them yet again. After all, this was a franchise that pre Deion Sanders was as listless and pathetic as they come, and even in the years since, they have violently swung between credible Super Bowl contenders and spiritual shithouse, and right now they are dug deep in that shithouse, crying for help but no one hears them because they are in an outhouse shitter, half drowned in poop, and if you’re using an outhouse shitter these days chances are you’re well off the grid and no one’s gonna be coming around to rescue you. Anyway, that’s where the Falcons are and they just keep sinking deeper into the shit almost like quicksand. Who dug this fucking thing anyway? It seems to have no end.
The Panthers are just playing out the season, boring, listless, disappointing an aging Ric Flair who sees the end coming and can’t do anything about it. He just wants to see his Carolina football team win once for him but they probably won’t because his life is a tragedy, daughter all hossed up on chemicals and fascism, son dead, other son who the fuck knows, wives left in the dust, broke, drunk, poor choices made over and over again, so let’s not pretend like he’s gonna go out a champion. They will find him one day, half rotten, worms crawling out of his eyes, a bottle next to him, in some cheap motel room after a convention. He’ll never get to see the Panthers win anything, and at best he’ll glom onto Cody Rhodes before the end and pretend to love the Jaguars because the truth is that Ric Flair is a transient beast, a Minnesota kid with no known origins, left behind by his birth parents, reinventing himself as an out of control Fuck Machine living on the edge of oblivion and he knows no True Loyalties because he has no true sense of himself other than Arn and Tully and the boys who enabled him all those years and he’ll cheer for any team that will adopt him and enable the whole fucking charade over and over and over again and none of it will mean anything, just like these Carolina Panthers of 2020 mean nothing.
Pick: Carolina
Indianapolis (-3) at Detroit
Well fuck, the Lions have up and won a couple of games and the natives are getting hyped on stupid playoff talk and this is always a mistake, but fuck it, we’ve all been here before, like addicts sitting in a circle telling one grim story after another, someone throws a chair, probably Al, while I try to get Jeremy and Ty to invest in a get rich quick scheme and they keep asking me if I’m okay, and my nose starts to bleed and they just pretend to not see it and anyway even if this group of goobers (the Lions, not the fellas) manages to do something good for Stafford I can kinda maybe sorta get behind that, but then I see Matt Patricia looking like Henry the Eighth and not in his lean stallion years but his open wound smells funny too fat to sit on a horse or fuck whatever wife is up next chokes on his own vomit years, and they both had issues with women and now here comes Bob Quinn like some Cromwellian fake tough guy and to be honest I’d rather read English history than root for these vile fucks.
So, that’s sad because I was born a no good dirty ass Lions fan and you can’t wash that shit out, it just sticks to you, clings like a leech, and so you just sigh and take whatever ridiculous shit comes to this damned team and you try to make some sort of peace with it because it’s gonna be there until you fucking die.
But we have all paved these horrible roads together in wild rantings and Willie Young interventions through these many years and so I won’t get too stupid deep into this shit, at least not until Thanksgiving which is when I really pour it on you jerks and lady jerks and I’m sorry for calling you jerks, okay?
Anyway, if the Lions can slip past the Colts, momentum and such might take hold and I will be forced to come to terms with the monsters in charge and we’ll all live happily fucking ever after. But they still have to beat the Colts and I see this as one of those trade for trade games where no one ever gets to get too far ahead of the other until whichever kicker wins the game at the end aka 68% (it does not deserve the 69) of all these stupid NFL games now. Which essentially dilutes the whole thing down to a coin flip and since the Lions coin flipper is Anton Chigurh who will just kill everyone when it’s done anyway, it will probably go the Colts way. I know, shocking, right???
Pick: Colts
Minnesota (+6) at Green Bay
Kirk Cousins has been exposed as a grifter quarterback who throws too many interceptions and probably abuses dogs or whatever Sparty QBs do on their off-time and yes I am despondent because another one of those goobers ridiculously named Rocky Lombardi for fuck’s sake put one over on my beloved Michigan Men while Jim Harbaugh ate his own balls and OH GOD WHY but god is not listening because he is too busy running the ten plagues playbook on everyone’s sinful asses and tag teaming with the Devil Aaron Rodgers to make 2020 turn out like the end of Ghostbusters with the streets cracking and wild demon dogs running wild and idiots everywhere. It’s all fucked up, man.
Anyway, the Vikings are a surprise garbage team this year and the Devil doesn’t even have time to pretend that Kirk Cousins isn’t just some wannabe devil, and not the cool Devil who gets you into coke and heroin and shit but, like, a little weenie devil. He’ll try to keep up with the Devil, but it all ends when the weenie devil gets rolled up and eaten like a hot dog and no I don’t know how we got here, maybe the weenie thing had me thinking about hot dogs, I can’t say for sure, but while I’m gibbering about this, Aaron Rodgers just did some Devil shit and Kirk Cousins has been forced into a megachurch slave gang by his parents who didn’t like him messing with that devil shit.
Pick: Packers
New England (+4.5) at Buffalo
Last week, I wrote about how Bill Belichick is in his Senator Horse phase, just giving jobs to whichever of his kids turn up asking for one, naming his horse the new DC, etc., but the cold dark reality is that he has lost the WAS IT BILL OR BRADY argument and now he is just a sad old man wandering his faded empire, probably sneering at the kids or maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore, either way it is sad and pathetic and you are reminded that all he ever was, was Bill Parcell’s favorite monkey.
Still, it’s weird to see him taking his Patriots into Buffalo as an underdog, both because of the obvious IT’S THE PATRIOTS and because it’s the fucking Bills. Excuse me, the 5-2 first place Bills. Yes, this is their division for the taking which honestly says more about the shitty division than anything. And it’s not like this is Buffalo wrestling the crown away from New England, it’s more that New England has vacated the crown like King Edward VIII when he started fucking the American divorcee.
So, you’ve got Bill Belichick and Edward VIII fucking their horses or whatever I’ve been babbling about, and in the meantime the empire is crumbling, the Egyptians have claimed the Suez Canal, the Prime Minister is fucking up everywhere and who’s gonna step in to save the day?
Pick: Bills
Tennessee (-7) at Cincinnati
Tennessee did all the boring Tennessee things last week against the Steelers and it wasn’t enough, and maybe I was a little right that they would miss Taylor Lewan, and with him maybe Derrick Henry goes for more than 4 yards a carry, or maybe not, who is to say?
But the Bengals are not the Steelers, even if Joe Burrow has probably done things that even Ben Roethlisberger would condemn. Sure, there are no stories YET about Burrow, but like I’ve said before, you mix Ohio with Louisiana football culture and you’ve got a Terminator of a Sex Pest. I mean, that’s maybe not fair because I’m guessing the LSU boosters just breed girls in cages for guys like Burrow to do what he pleases and then when he’s done they either eat her or sacrifice her to some pagan goat god. I saw it on HBO.
Still, Burrow seems legit. He threw for over 400 yards last week which must mean that the sacrifices were acceptable to the pagan goat god. Still, it would mean a lot more if his team would, you know, win one or two of these games for him. Kinda reminds me of the early days of Matthew Stafford who never fucked a pagan goat as far as I know.
But Tennessee is still effectively boring or boringly effective, one of those, perhaps both, and should be able to keep Burrow from unleashing Carcosa on everyone. Those Tennessee folk don’t go for that shit. No, they just like to wear white robes and masks and play “pranks” on their Black friends.
Pick: Tennessee
Las Vegas (+1.5) at Cleveland
On the other side of that Joe Burrow 400 yard game, there was Baker Mayfield throwing 5 TD and at least for today validating his inner Stabler. It also should be said that he has the Browns, the fucking Browns, at 5-2, which is more meaningful perhaps than 400 yard games and blondes hanging in cages. Or maybe not, I don’t know what matters to you.
But I am happy for the Browns, who I have quasi-adopted as my second team for reasons I’ve already gone into, and even if Dan can’t handle success (he’s into some weird shit, guys) the Browns aren’t going away. The running game is strong, Mayfield can access his inner Stabler and Myles Garrett can sack just enough dudes to keep the defense from being a complete tire fire (lol it’s still pretty damn bad, folks) They’re just a fun team to follow.
The Raiders, of course, are on a dystopian journey through the hellscape of the American Dream, abandoning their natural home for the empty casinos of Las Vegas, a neon city in the middle of a fucking desert just sucking up water and electricity like Daniel Plainview if he were a city. It’s a fucking nightmare of the soul, and most probably literal Hell.
Of course, Jon Gruden bought the dark ticket and now he takes the darkest of rides and hopes he manages to get out of Vegas without killing too many hookers or good god, his players killing all them hookers, burying bodies in the desert as a team building exercise. But Gruden got introduced to Tom Brady last week and was basically killed like a hooker and dumped in a shallow grave so these things take time and perspective. Be nice to your hookers.
Pick: Cleveland
NY Jets (+20) at Kansas City
20 fucking points! That is like a college spread, Bama rolling over Vanderbilt or some shit, not an NFL line. But here we are, and it is an NFL line, one which speaks hilariously to the Ghost Town that is the Jets hopes and dreams and to the savant like wizardry of Patrick Mahomes.
There really isn’t much else to say about this, is there? I could rant and rave about Kansas again but I already did that and even though my racist old grandma still lives there, I should probably leave some space between rants. Still, fuck Kansas and Dorothy Gale too THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT
Pick: Chiefs
LA Rams (-3.5) at Miami
The Rams exposed the Bears as Pretenders last week while the Dolphins took the week off. The Dolphins will probably want to take this one off too. Sure, they are 3-3 but it’s a Jets and Jaguars 3-3 as in those are the types of teams they are beating, but at least they are beating them, I guess. Ryan Fitzpatrick has some Stabler magic even though he went to Harvard and Kenny probably couldn’t even read. People want to see Tua of course, but you can’t just push aside a Spirit Warrior like Fitzpatrick. I mean, you can and of course they eventually will, but let’s not dwell on dark thoughts like that.
But Miami is surprisingly… gamey? Spry? Am I describing a team or chicken? Anyway, they are beating the teams they are supposed to beat which isn’t always the way it goes, but the Rams are not one of those teams. The Rams, instead, are quietly one of the best teams in the league. The offense might not flash and pop like a couple of years ago, but the defense is legit, 2nd in points given up and Aaron Donald will leave you begging for mercy as he marauds through your whole family.
Even if Miami brings its best game, they probably aren’t winning here. But fuck all that because they get to live in Miami, which is probably actually really frustrating right now with pandemics and social distancing going on. No one’s in the clubs, the coke dealers are probably sitting home playing video games, I mean what has become of our fair Miami? This may need more exploration later on when I am not racing against the Sunday kickoff.
Pick: Rams
New Orleans (-4) at Chicago
Like I just said, the Bears were exposed as Pretenders by the Rams, but we all knew that already, didn’t we? That still doesn’t change that this might be One Of Those Seasons for the Bears because that was never about the Bears quality but their sheer dumb luck, usually coming in the form of sacks and turnovers. But the Bears still don’t have an offense, Nick Foles is openly shitting on Matt Nagy, and this could unravel in a hurry and be One Of Those Other Kind Of Seasons for the Bears.
The Saints should be able to stick a dagger in the cold heart of the Bears in Soldier Field, but that cold field and Drew Brees’ cold soul might combine to get the Bears back in the conversation again. Brees, of course, is a torture advocate and all around shithead and I will put aside my Bears hate to wish them luck as they pursue his head. And what more needs to be said?
Pick: Bears
San Francisco (+3) at Seattle
The Seahawks let me down last week after I talked them up and the 49ers pounded the shit out of the Patriots, showing that there is still plenty of fire there even with the injuries and that Super Bowl hangover. But while the Patriots laid down for the 49ers liked whipped dogs, it wasn’t as vengeful a scene as it could have been for Jimmy G against his old boss Bill Belichick who famously chucked him overboard to soothe Tom Brady’s feelings.
Jimmy G actually threw 2 INT with 0 TD so he probably didn’t get the satisfaction of showing dad he could do it on his own, and daddy Bill probably didn’t give a shit as he went over the seating arrangement for his horse’s consulship ceremony. It was the running game that drove the 49ers over the ghosts of the Patriots, and that will be their identity all season as they seek to recapture what took them to the edge of glory last season.
But the Seahawks remain the NFC West’s top killers, I think, in what has just become a crazily competitive division with the Seahawks, Rams, Cardinals and 49ers just going hard after one another. All 4 teams have winning records and it will come down to who can establish themselves as the alpha team. Seattle stumbled against Arizona who I don’t think has the muscle to take the crown, the Rams are quietly waiting to cut you with a carving knife, and the 49ers are trying to reestablish their identity of a year ago and might be finding it. So, Seattle can snuff out the 49ers here and now, which they have made a habit of doing over the years, forget about the Arizona game and get ready to trade shots with the Rams. It’s all in front of them.
Either way, this is gonna make for some good football, which we saw last week in the Seahawks/Cardinals game, and the NFC West is gonna be like the AFC North only the Cardinals are a vastly better version of the Bengals. At least right now.
Pick: Seattle
Dallas (+11.5) at Philadelphia
Jerry Jones entire reason for being has been called out this season which is a comical romp through the debris of the American soul. Imagine having all that offensive talent and paying them that much and then this shit happens and you’re just an anus faced hick from Arkansas who can’t even get his dick hard for the cleaning lady anymore even though she is a fresh faced young Guatemalan who doesn’t speak any English and Jerry lied to her when he said he could get all her brothers over, but then he couldn’t get his dick hard and ended up just yelling a lot and dumped her in a parking lot. That limp dicked motherfucker is basically the Emperor Palpatine to Roger Goodell’s Darth Vader and that says a lot about both the NFL and the United States of America.
But Jerry’s world is all crashing down around him, his megalomania finally being torn down in a maelstrom of misery. He can’t turn to anyone for answers because he set himself up as God of JerryWorld, and when it goes under, it’s taking him with it. There are no backup plans here, no wizards to fix things, not even a competent accountant to balance it all. It’s just Jerry Jones, a fucking redneck who raped the earth and then used the proceeds from that to buy hisself the Dallas Cowboys, which of course were always known as America’s Team, so this dumb redneck basically was buying America in his eyes and lol look at what you’ve done to the place you fucking jackass.
These assholes are the natural inheritors of a country that is populated by people descended from the rejects of every other country, or who were forcibly taken from their home to “work” for these jackasses, OR who were fucking genocided by the first group. There are others, of course, Asian immigrants, but they are still just people who needed a whole new country to fuck up in just like the white folks. This is actually Shit Island and we are its people so no wonder goobers like Jerry Jones and Trump run this idiot country like Vince McMahon running WWE.
Of course, Philadelphia is filled with the rejects we talked about in the last paragraph when I almost certainly offended you. Maybe more than any other city, okay maybe Philly and Boston, it is populated by the detritus of Europe, which is perhaps not a fair summation, but fuck it, it’s part of that super metro area that was the foothold for asshole English dudes as they colonized North America, just getting rich as fuck while they raped and plundered. Ben Franklin was a fucking degenerate. So it’s not like Jerry Jones has enemies here. They may pretend to hate each other but deep down they are all just soul sucking grifters and rejects from society.
Pick: Eagles
LA Chargers (-3.5) at Denver
Two shit teams. Only one can survive. Who cares?
Pick: Chargers
Pittsburgh (+4) at Baltimore
See, this is why I love the AFC North, just two mean teams smacking each other around and dealing with old hates, even if Baltimore is wrapped up in Cleveland for some of that hate, but the Ravens have done a lot – a lot – to make teams hate them properly thanks to Spirit Warriors like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, and while they may be gone, the spirit remains, and someone is gonna get hurt.
Hopefully, it is the rapist quarterback of the Steelers, but “Big Ben” better put his dick away because the Ravens aren’t fucking around. The Steelers might be the last unbeaten team, but the Ravens have the league’s best defense and also a quarterback who can go boom.
The Steelers are also missing my man Devin Bush on defense while Baltimore plays with knives and dares them to cross midfield. This is a fight for the division title, maybe not the whole fight, but significant rounds and whoever walks away the winner probably controls this monster of a division.
Pick: Baltimore
Tampa Bay (-12.5) at NY Giants
Tom Brady has proven himself an ageless wonder which validates my wild takes which have seen Nazi uncles and a bride willing to kill alongside Tom’s Patrick Bateman motif. I don’t know how much farther I can carry this thing but that’s the same for Tom Brady, right? He is just out there dusting dudes even though he is legally dead in NFL years, like 126 or something. Just burying the argument about who made the Patriots what they were. I mean, the Greatest of All Time seems like a flimsy title here. I’m pretty sure he could be crowned king.
It is still surreal to see Brady in a Bucs uniform, but fuck it, he calls the shots and if this is what he wants to do, no one can stop him, give or take a Mahomes. He is the robot emperor of professional football, a straight serial killer who takes no shit and orders everything around him. People used to talk about him alongside Peyton Manning, who retired 5 years ago and seems like a typical old dude, but they are roughly the same age. I have long joked here but I think he actually might be “recycling” babies to get those stem cells.
I have nothing to say about the Giants, who remain mired in their own sad shit, but just be aware that Brady might eat children, but he is still the alpha quarterback in the NFL.
Pick: Bucs
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