Last week saw me make a miserable mess of things at 5-8-1, with the one draw coming thanks to the fucking Lions and Matt Prater’s big dick. But now I have to figure out how to navigate this next week of NFL football in a timely manner, which has been my enemy as of late, I know, I know, but I imagine I will at least get the Thursday Night Game out and then edit later which has become routine sadly because I am a wreck of a man, but we’ll try to do better and you’ll love me for it and hopefully nobody gets beaten or arrested because of this. That is all I can ever offer you.
And hey, hey, hey, wouldn't you know it, but I totally did blow the Thursday Game and didn't even put it up as a teaser. I had written it, but I was literally not conscious for much of Thursday and, well, mea culpa, although you know I don't really feel all that bad since I have turned this into a Gonzo Freakshow Weekly Piece and that shit is written in fits and moments of possibly drug fueled supercharged energy. Anyway, I am not like the Others and if you are reading this, neither are you probably, so we're all in this madhouse together baby!!!
Arizona (+3) at Seattle
The Boys out west don’t give a fuck for your Presidents or Senators or whoever is trending on twitter, they just wanna see footballs be thrown to the ends of the earth, just like they used to like to quick draw on each other and rustle some cattle or do whatever the hell is found in a Red Dead Redemption cut scene and I’ve gotta be honest, I never finished Red Dead II, which I should probably get back to, maybe start over, but then again, they’ve got a fucking Playstation 5 out there in the wild now. I feel like I just got the 4 to play Red Dead, but now they want me to stick my dick in the console and become part of some hive mind shit like those fuckers in Star Trek, the Borg, just taking my dick and my Playstations and doing whatever the fuck they want to with them, this is the future you voted for.
But in this context we are talking footballs sailing through the air to score touchdowns in endzones, which you can still watch human men do in these challenging times when we don’t know if we’re about to colonize Mars or be dragged down all our fields and farms by some pissed off Druid who is just sick of this shit. Russell Wilson and Kyler Murray just throwing that damn ball and running it too, the elder version making wise choices with the ball and the young gun who will be Russell Wilson one day putting just an extra sizzle on things to try to alpha the fuck out.
And that’s really what’s this is all about, played out in a tight NFC West where Arizona, Seattle and the Rams are all 6-3. Who has the bigger dick? That is what these dudes are fighting for here so fuck yeah, these are some high stakes. One man will leave with his hard dick ready to take on the town, and one will get whiskey dick as his teammates tell him it’s okay it just wasn’t your day to fuck.
But Kyler Murray seems to have a better support system than Russell Wilson, which sucks for Russ because he still has the heat that beats most teams, but now you’ve got young fuckboys like Kyler coming around who are just stealing your whole thing and it wasn’t that long ago that Russell Wilson was the young dicksman, shooting his wife into the sun so he could fuck Ciara every day and not have to lie about it. This is his world that he has conquered, the NFC West, and now this dickslinger is stealing his vibe, right down to being the short guy with the big dick.
It kinda sucks that we can’t just have a one on one kind of competition, a duel really, as each dude will have to fight against a defense which serves as a proxy for the real enemy. This is the evolution of the quarterback game played out with all the weapons available. It really is a Big Dick Meet. One dude walks away with his dick in the air and there are monkeys hanging off of it and no one can stop him. And the other dude gets his dick laughed at. That’s too harsh. They both have big dicks, but the man who knows how to use his dick will win this game. Does that come from experience or does that come from the hot shot blowing his wad right out of the gate and getting his name in bright lights?
I think that this is a moment where Russell Wilson has to stake his ground and tell the young fella to fall the fuck back, but young dudes are hounds, and there’s nothing Russell can do if his defense gets wrecked by Kyler Murray, and Seattle’s pass defense is the worst in the fucking league. There’s only so much Russell Wilson can do. Meanwhile, Arizona’s defense is extant, which is to say that it’s not that special and Russell will get his, but, really, it all comes down to who has the bigger dick.
Pick: Seattle
Philadelphia (+3.5) at Cleveland
The NFC East is just the most disgusting scene. This is Talk Radio Xanadu, the NFC East, and the more miserable it is, the more mookish and ridiculous it gets. The Eagles are still in first place even though they are shit, and the other three jackoff teams are getting worked over like the new boy down at the docks and it honestly makes me very happy that these shit people are getting this kind of misery out of their sports teams.
It doesn’t matter if they win or lose, the fucking noise from the NFC East will just burn up the radios or podcasts or whatever the fuck these troglodytes are doing. The Eagles will be rolled onto the playoff format at, like, 6-9-1 and we all have to accept it. This is our government gone to hell, you get to whip up on the Charlatans, like the Cowboys or Trump, but then there’s the fucking Eagles and Joe Biden at 6-9-1 and they’re in the playoffs just because they are supposed to be. And you’ll watch with your shitty relatives, who might be COVID TERRRORISTS this year because we have to liven things up now and again, and you will complain about the fucking Eagles, who will look like shit and not do anything and Joe Biden will give Angela Merkel a backrub.
The Browns are trying to make this work for them, they really are, but we all know deep down that the Browns are, well, the fucking Browns. Baker Mayfield has never really blown it open like I thought he could, and it almost feels as if the Browns have a lot of talent but don’t really get the most out of it. But the record is good, so they can’t be knocked down as underachievers, and imagine how fucking long it took to even expect them to achieve anything. This is not a good culture, but maybe they are trying to bury that shit and just go hard, play it til you make it, and get some momentum that they never have to look back at again. But that tale is almost always fucked up by some dipshit looking back and getting his wife turned into a pillar of salt.
I want the Browns to make that leap, to be confident gunslingers instead of the NFL’s Fake Browns, which is a thing that has haunted them ever since they were plopped down there while the Real Browns have created a whole new culture in Baltimore. That has to sting and confuse Browns fans. I don’t even know how I would have handled that shit as a fan. Can a diehard Browns fan really love this team as the real Browns? I mean, I guess you have to. But that’s why the NFL is a terrible league run by lizard men.
Pick: Browns
Atlanta (+5.5) at New Orleans
The Falcons come off their bye week, but this whole season is pretty much a bye for them, which shouldn’t be just okayed like that because these idiots have a ridiculous roster of known dudes. I mean, how the fuck do you piss away Todd Gurley, Calvin Ridley and a still operational Julio Jones? I know I have gibbered on about curses, but fuck, man, this is embarrassing. Matt Ryan should not be allowed to sleep with his wife until he answers for this.
But they are 3-1 since they threw Dan Quinn overboard, so maybe that dude was just mixed up in some nasty shit that involved snakes and Lisa Bonet doing shit that even Bill Cosby didn’t “prepare” her for. Maybe it was just him, and now that he’s been sacrificed to Kali, the Falcons can get their shit back together. There’s still time.
But Drew Brees and the Saints aren’t about to just let that happen. Drew has it on his calendar, right after the drowning of an immigrant, which is how he prepares for his weekly games. Don’t forget Brees and the Saints cutting the nuts off of Tom fucking Brady in a Welcome to Town game. Whatever dark shit Drew Brees has working there, it just seems to get better and better. He has a running game he can trust, a defense to take up some of the slack and the Saints maybe might be getting more well-rounded than those years when they just had Brees throw for like 6,000 yards. I mean, they have to because he’s fucking old. And hopefully that day will come when he’s just standing there fidgeting with himself because no one has any use for him anymore and the New Orleans Spirit Warriors take full control of their team. They will never humiliate Brees like that, but shit, it would be nice if they did. Until then, Brees will dust the Falcons like fucking Homelander.
Pick: Saints
Detroit (-2) at Carolina
The Lions stumble along in mediocrity, which will be just enough to save these bozos for another season, leading to a slow bleed that will see us die of old age, shitting ourselves in an indecent end to a life poorly lived, instead of a car crash death that would at least be mercifully quick. I prefer the car crash method and then the bardo where we will all experience weird dreams much like tales of The Great Willie Young or reading Armchair Linebacker, and then a rebirth as something else, maybe a snail or something, I don’t know, anything is better than this agony as a Lions fan.
But I get the other perspective too, that this is all we get and that making the best of it is all we can do or hope for, even if it is tinged with longing and regret. It is definitely a matter of perspective, of what you believe and how you believe, and either way, we’re pretty much fucked, so I don’t know that it really makes any difference. Either we slug along, avoiding the Bardo for a little while longer at 7-9, or we just get it the fuck over with and come back as a snail and probably endure a miserable few days or weeks or months or however fucking long those fellas get, and then it’s off to the Bardo again and weird dreams of past lives and maybe we wake up as a Prince this time, who knows how this Buddhist gambling goes?
It has to be embarrassing for any team to come into a game the underdogs against the Lions, but that’s what faces the Panthers and their last place stumbling towards chaos team. They haven’t had a full healthy season of Christian McCaffrey, but coming into the season with Teddy Bridgewater at QB was pretty much a punt to begin with. They’ve lost five in a row and one wonders why they even bothered to win those three games earlier in the season.
The Cam Newton era failed for the Panthers, much like the Matthew Stafford era has largely failed for the Lions, but these are both examples of how shitty teams deal with these sorts of things. The Panthers just dive into the Bardo and prepare to be reborn as something else while the Lions hold onto fantastical dreams of Patriot Ways even as the actual Patriots are dragged before Pontius Pilate. There is no Right Way to go about being a loser other than to simply not be one, but that is the thing, isn’t it? These shitbird teams are losers for a reason, and their different philosophies in loserdom are beside the point. You either are a Winner or you are a Loser and the rest is just noise.
Still, it would be nice to have one of the bullshit philosophies somehow drill a hole through the murk and the Bardo madness and find a sort of Nirvana on the other side, but then again, we remember that Nirvana is actually nothingness and so what is the point for our idiot materialist selves who have oh so human hopes and dreams? I don’t fucking know, other than I wish it didn’t have to be like this and it would be nice if every year was about retooling instead of rebuilding, and after a while are we even rebuilding when everything is just ashes and rubble? I mean, what is it that we are even hoping to rebuild? Lions fans and Panthers fans have to ask themselves that every day, and it’s an ugly question, and there are no easy answers. Or complicated ones, really. There is just more losing and more shit eating.
I know what it’s like to hope for a better era to come, but it never seems to come, and Panthers fans should probably prepare themselves for the sort of agony that Lions fans have to deal with. It’s starting to look that way. The Panthers are not a baby franchise anymore, it’s been, what, 25 years? Something like that. Tampa Bay was finally winning titles around this part of their timeline, and they were as moribund and toxic as the Lions. The Panthers, and their sister team, the Jaguars, either have to get the fuck off this timeline now or risk getting sucked into the oblivion that only the Lions really occupy. And while it’s nice to have others to suck the life blood from, I don’t like to be reminded of our own place in this hideous wasteland. The Bardo has gone afoul and been taken over by a life-draining demon who won’t let us wake up.
I have no idea what I’m babbling about either, let’s just acknowledge that this is a bad football game between bad football teams and that none of us are likely to wake up in the Happy Place and move on. Okay? Okay.
Pick: Panthers
New England (-2) at Houston
The Patriots improbably woke up and tripped up the Ravens, but it is likely a False Awakening, like when a senile oldster experiences a few days of lucidity before going back to pissing himself and ranting about the Krauts. Bill Belichick is at The End of his journey as an NFL coach, and it happens to everyone. All that’s left for him now is to kick it upstairs with an honorarium of a title, like Executive GM or some shit that doesn’t actually do anything, a fake consultant who just hangs around because the franchise hopes that whatever he has left can be sucked out and sprinkled over the next dude in charge. But that never really ends up going well, and the best thing the Patriots can do is probably go for a clean break and see how the other 99% lives for a while. A good humbling is what they need, what they probably deserve, but dudes like Robert Kraft don’t give up their shit so easily and will likely cling to the ugly ghost even as it becomes a poltergeist.
Somebody will have to forcibly remove Belichick because he isn’t gonna give it up himself. He’s an addict, and addicts will do whatever it takes for another fix. Trust me on this. Even after it stops making sense. Especially after it stops making sense. That’s when it becomes an intransigent sort of desperation, a stubbornness bordering on madness. Belichick will ruin everything around him including his own legacy just to hang on to the fumes of his addiction. Huffing paint in the basement while everyone pretends not to notice, Bob Kraft getting rundowns from Thai ladyboys, Tom Brady not enabling this nonsense any longer, the parasites and acolytes peeling off the scraps of whatever dignity is left over to make a life for themselves. This is how a thing tears itself apart from the inside.
The Texans caught a raw deal to start this season, and it hasn’t picked up for them even after firing Bill O’Brien. I’m not sure what they do next because I think they already have their quarterback, so now maybe it’s just a matter of adding a couple of blue chip pieces around him, which they can get with a nice draft pick this year. Who knows how much JJ Watt has left? It might be time to rebuild that side of the ball and hope that it all catches up with DeShaun Watson at the right time, or maybe he gets caught in the wash and the whole thing needs to be blown up, I don’t know how this goes. But It’s a lost season for the Texans, with a future that looks grim, filled with hurricanes and ill winds, the new New Orleans in a sense, only there are a couple of million more people and the whole thing keeps growing even as it teeters on the precipice of an ecological nightmare disaster and this is the future we were warned about, it’s just that it’s not the future anymore, it’s here now, and a football team like the Texans isn’t gonna mean a whole hell of a lot when your house is floating into the Gulf of Mexico.
Pick: New England
Pittsburgh (-10.5) at Jacksonville
Pick: Steelers
Green Bay (+1.5) at Indianapolis
Interesting to see The Devil come in here as a slight underdog despite rebounding this season to his devilish ways with Matt LaFleur as his aide de camp and not Mike McCarthy poisoning the well in Hell, and by the way, you will note that McCarthy is currently Jerry Jones’ Stooge de jour in what is a hilariously awful situation in Dallas, so maybe The Devil just needed a good house cleaning. But where do you go when even Hell can’t stand you? Dallas, naturally.
But yes, The Devil is back to his devilish ways and that means stealing souls and ruining lives from coast to coast as the Packers resume their spot atop the NFC North. The usual cast of characters wail and moan from Minnesota to Chicago to poor Detroit, the River Styx flooding them all like a backed up toilet. The Devil has an incredible 26-3 TD to INT ratio, and I mean what can you do? He’s 37, which used to be ancient, but in today’s NFL where Tom Brady and Drew Brees are over 40, he may as well just be another young gunslinger in the prime of his devilish life. He’s younger than Roethlisberger too. I mean, these dudes have conspired with medical science and nutritionists and sorcerers and baby blood dealers to take things beyond anything we’ve seen before. I mean, Joe Montana was withering into dust in Kansas City by this point, and I’m talking the Rodgers point, not even the Brady and Brees point. These dudes get a whole new epoch to work with that their predecessors didn’t.
Of course, it will likely end up with ruined brains and drooling applesauce by their 50s, but maybe not. There are Dark Bargains at work here, especially for The Devil, who of course is no stranger to these things. He seems ready to go for another half decade at least, leaving the 2020 version of The Young Devil, Jordan Love, likely to be sent packing like Jimmy G instead of taking over for an old Cockslinger like The Devil did to Brett Favre back in the day.
Philip Rivers, meanwhile, is another example of the Grumpy Old Men edition of the NFL QB situation. He’s 39 and has the Colts hanging around first place in the AFC South, which probably has more to do with their underrated top 5 defense than anything else, but shit, Rivers has their passing offense in the top 10 so he is holding up his aged end of the stick. This was supposed to be The Embarrassment Years for him, like OJ in a 49ers jersey or Joe Namath in a Rams jersey, but more and more, the Dark Arts are conspiring to give these guys extra chapters, like Peyton Manning in a Broncos jersey or Brady in a Bucs jersey. It’s a new world, where old rich dudes can buy extra life, stealing it from the poors like Daniel Plainview drinking their milkshakes. We’re all just milkshakes waiting to be sucked up by these demons, and some day you’ll be seeing 50 year olds playing quarterback in the NFL while you are crippled with arthritis at 25.
That is the new era in which we are all embarking in This American Life, where the rich get obscenely richer and get all the robot magic upgrades they want while the rest of us shrivel back into serfdom and die of the fucking plague. This is “progress” with a healthy and clean and rich sheen on top of a rotting core, the rich living on mountains of dead bodies. The Devil and Philip Rivers are just the sporting exemplars of this Brave New World, and so are we, huddled in our homes, quarantining and unemployed, losing our savings and our health and our minds, wearing masks like shrouds, turning ourselves into mummies while the rich prepare to make even more money off of vaccines and then robots who will do the jobs we’re no longer needed for.
This is the future and it’s already happening, and as dudes like The Devil and Phil Rivers and Tom Brady and Roethlisberger and Drew Brees and all of them just keep on flying in their private jets with no need to even land anymore, and Jeff Bezos literally owns the microchips that are planted in your head so they can track you like sheep, you will just cheer for your “heroes” and order some more shit off of Amazon because it ships the next day.
Pick: Green Bay
Cincinnati (+1.5) at Washington
Somewhere in Louisiana, there is a pit where they keep the bodies of defiled coeds, and a group of boosters who are basically characters from The Waterboy guard it zealously and perform dark rituals to horned goat gods in Bacchanalian rituals that are old and bizarre, taken from the Old World and twisted by these lunatic degenerate New World Cajuns and criminals who absconded from France hundreds of years ago and got mixed up with slaves creating a whole new class of people you don’t want to fuck with. And anyway, that is the place that produced Joe Burrow, at least the finished version, on loan from Ohio, which is its own pit of insane wretchedness, and it probably is exactly the sort of Dark Arts shit that I was just talking about that NFL QB’s have made a pact with, sort of like Templars deciding to worship the devil or some shit. They’re all in on it, and Joe Burrow is just their new initiate.
Who knows what fucked up shit they’ve had him do as part of his “initiation” into the Dark World of NFL QB’s? He’s got the early numbers to show that he’s their shiny new acolyte and I can only imagine that there are dungeons starting in Cincinnati and backing up into Kentucky where the law is even more feral filled with disappeared women and maybe even the occasional young boy. You never know how deep and dark this whole thing goes. Shit, it might be like an Underground Railroad type of situation, only its an Underground Dungeon spreading from Louisiana to Ohio. I wouldn’t doubt it. Maybe you could even theorize that it starts in Texas, along the Mexican border and they just funnel in Latinas and do god only knows what to them, Jerry Jones running the whole thing. My God, it all makes sense. You can’t unsee it now that I’ve laid it out for you.
Anyway, that’s the sort of Unnatural Power Joe Burrow has backing him and it will ensure that he will turn the Bengals into a winner, just not now because they have to at least keep up the pretense of the whole thing. Why Cincinnati? I don’t know, other than Ohio has no scruples when it comes to this sort of thing, and as the other Mouth of the Underground Dungeon, maybe they demanded it, I can’t say for sure.
One would think that Washington would be mixed up in all this perversion, but even the New Pervert Templars have had it with DC, I think, and are content to let that clown show crumble while they rule from behind the scenes and in America’s Heartland, our ground hollowed out and filled with sex slaves, my god it is a living nightmare for those young women. And so now Washington has even had its team’s name stripped away from them, that is how cuckolded it has become, just a joke of a city filled with jackasses and clowns who don’t mean a goddamn thing while the Jerry Jones Pervert Train rolls on.
It’s hard to see any sort of future for Washington that isn’t embarrassing, steeped in poisoned Discourse, and that’s why Joe Burrow and Cincinnati are poised to take a place of prominence in this new Dark Order we find ourselves living in. There is no escape from it, we simply must protect our daughters and hope they don’t find their way to the pole.
Pick: Bengals
Tennessee (+6.5) at Baltimore
I’m not sure what happened to the Ravens against the Patriots. They still have the top rushing game in the league and probably the best defense, but they just seem to have these games, going back to last year’s playoffs, where they inexplicably shit the bed. But they always bounce back and steamroll the next team up, so that probably isn’t good news for Tennessee.
But, if there’s a team that can trip the Ravens up and turn this into a trend more than a one off type of deal, it’s the Titans, who kind of mirror what the Ravens like to do, with a run first offense and a stifling defense to back the whole thing up. It’s maybe the most old school type of game out there these days. Of course, the Ravens running game is sparked by a new age running QB type of deal so maybe not quite that old school, but the philosophical premise remains. Control the ball, run it until the other team breaks and let your defense control the game from there. It is what drove the game of football for decades before the recent Fuck It Let’s Just Throw Every Down takeover in recent years.
Aesthetically, I like the old way best, and maybe that’s because I am now an old dude, I don’t know. But there is something pure about it, problematic though it may be when it comes to dudes getting concussed and all, but fuck it, I am not making them do this and I am not the one suffering premature head injuries so who fucking cares? That is crass and careless of me to say, but fuck it, I am not a pundit, I am just a dude who wants to watch his football.
And I like my football played violently, strategically, like a World War I battleground fought over inch by inch instead of this new age drone warfare where babies get killed and no one has to live with the human element of it. That’s right, Patrick Mahomes is a babykiller. Okay, okay, I will calm down and get back to this game, which appeals to me aesthetically even if it doesn’t to anyone else.
Tennessee’s D has actually been kind of middling this year, downright bad against the pass, and maybe the Ravens should unleash Lamar Jackson’s arm more than his legs, but then again, you never want to change who you are just to chase a ghost. Enforcing your Will on the other team is the zenith of NFL wet dreams, and it seems likely to me that this game will come down to two coaches trying to prove who has the bigger dick sort of like Russell Wilson vs Kyler Murray just in an old white guy kind of way.
The Ravens are the better team by any measure, and if the Titans try to play up to that, try to beat the Ravens playing their way, which is the Ravens way too, the Titans will probably lose. But maybe Mike Vrabel is smarter than that, Ohio douchebag though he may be, and maybe John Harbaugh is smarter than that too, Michigan/Ohio blend of a dude that he is, and maybe the whole thing is an interesting old school case of strategic warfare, of gamesmanship between two generals who would have fit in just fine in the old days, aka true football coaches. I get excited for this kind of thing.
Or maybe I am just talking myself into something that isn’t real anymore and these are just two meatheads who will put up a boring game against each other under dull gray skies. Who is to say?
Pick: Ravens
Dallas (+7) at Minnesota
As much as I despise Kirk Cousins, Jerry Jones is still ahead of him on my shit list, especially now that I’ve figured out he’s running the Underground Dungeon from Texas on up to Ohio. But it’s been a lost season for Jerry in the outside world, the football world, where he wields most of his power. Hiring Mike McCarthy was an epic bust, the defense is the worst in the league and he still has all these expensive toys on offense, what is a coked up rich dude to do???
Clearly, Jerry World is about to see some histrionics, someone needs to get fed to the Narco wolves who are probably propping up this fucking thing, and that means bodies hanging from bridges in Juarez, but who can Jerry sacrifice? Obviously McCarthy, but does he go after Dak? Ezekiel Elliott? I mean, these are his handpicked boys. At some point, Jerry has to know that it’s his head going in that noose.
It won’t come to that. It never does for these obscene fuckers, and Jerry Jones will continue to broker dark deals between the Mexican and American Oligarchs. He aspires to be one himself, but he’s just the middle-man in this obscene marriage of drugs and flesh peddled back and forth. Jerry is just the owner of a shitty football team that pretends to be more than what it is. America’s Team. Just trash. It’s an appropriate metaphor, and all too easy to seize upon, but the reality is that most of America hates the fucking Cowboys for the pretense of calling themselves America’s Team. Sure, you’ll get the nuthuggers, the Duke and Lakers fans who ride with The Brand, but for the most part, the Cowboys are fucking despised, which I guess is another appropriate metaphor for America.
They are maybe the only team that could make me root for the Vikings and Kirk Cousins, and to be honest, I’m surprised that Jerry didn’t go out and get Cousins to be his QB. It would fit like a glove. Dak has been a surprise, and Jerry has kept him even though he isn’t his flavor (he’s black) and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Jerry make a move for his Great White Hope. That won’t be Cousins who has been exposed and is damaged goods, but maybe Jerry has salivations for Trevor Lawrence and doesn’t mind this collapse. Who knows?
The Vikings have fought back to near .500 thanks to the wild legs of Dalvin Cook, but the defense is struggling and Cousins is, of course, a fraud. But Cook might be enough to drag them to a respectable enough record. Playoffs are probably off the table with the NFC West filled with good teams and the loser of the Bucs and Saints fight will gobble up a wild card, so the Vikings are fighting for respectability, which is a stupid thing to play for. You’re either a contender or you’re setting yourself on fire in the hopes of winning the Draft. To be caught in between is not really a good place to be. Maybe this is just a blip and the Vikings can retool and go for it again next year, but they are seeing that Cousins is a Fraud, and they are tied to him for a while, and the only alternative is to blow the whole thing up, but with Dalvin Cook running wild, how do you sacrifice that? It’s a weird place the Vikings find themselves in, but at least it is not as nakedly gross and fucked up as it is in Dallas.
Pick: Vikings
Kansas City (-6.5) at Las Vegas
The Chiefs really are a hell of a team, and it is kind of mind boggling that Andy Reid is the dude running the whole thing, but it almost feels like he’s just the goober they show to the masses, like how the mob used to hire front men to run their casinos. “Used to.” Eric Bieniemy is a hot name as the offensive coordinator who everyone suspects is really running this Bombs Away offense, and Steve Spagnuolo was a head coach himself for a while there and knows how to run a defense. It’s sort of the opposite of the whole Belichick coaching tree thing where he hires the hot young assistants but everyone knows it’s him and Tom Brady running the team, or at least it was. Here you have Andy Reid propped up by those hot assistants, some young, some not so young, and it works for them, I guess.
It’s hard to give Andy Reid credit because he was always the doofus who fucked it up in the end with the Eagles all those years, with Donovan McNabb always getting so close but they were always an Andy Reid fuckup away from disaster. And now here he is the CEO of Big Dick Incorporated, with Patrick Mahomes and Tyreek Hill and god knows who else, fuckin’ OJ, running wild for him.
The shitty thing, of course, is that the people of Kansas City are wretched shitheads and don’t deserve such a team. My grandma, my one and only living grandma, lives in Kansas and is a Chiefs and Royals fan, and even though I love her because she’s my grandma, she’s the fuckin’ worst, Q’d up til it overflows the toilet bowl, a mean, dark farmer racism running through every vein in her body, the things she believes in are so beyond political ideologies, wrapped up in the ruins of hateful farmers, mean and ornery, people who don’t even like themselves really, that sort of Calvinist view of the world as misery to be lived meanly until you might get lucky and plucked up to heaven. My grandma has a poisoned mind and soul, and that is who cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs. I’m not sure if she even understands that Mahomes is black, or half black. And I bet the majority of the Chiefs fans don’t either.
The Raiders are gonna give the Chiefs a game, I think, and there is something gross about the AFC West coming down to a battle between Kansas City and Las Vegas, two nodes in the grotesque America we have made for ourselves, two BIG nodes that are constantly vomiting up the hangover from the American Dream gone bad. This is not the Great American West, it is the Great American Nightmare, Kansas City to Las Vegas, grab everyone in between and you have MAGA America in its gross Americana fetish.
Of course, the Chiefs are still primed to be the kings of this shit dystopia, at least until the NFL can get past the COVID shit and make Las Vegas the heart of the league, which is its fucked up destiny. But there are no fans in Las Vegas yet, and I still have to go all in on Vegas here, but I won’t now, and the Chiefs are the Kings of Covid 2020 NFL Trump. Congratulations.
Pick: Kansas City
Miami (-4) at Denver
Shit, I guess Miami is for real. They took down the Rams and Cardinals and are just winning every fucking game they can get an invite to. When do the cocaine cowboys down there start to notice and get this team thuggin’? I am perhaps mixing up the Miami Hurricanes of college football degenerate lore with the Dolphins, who have always been a limp dicked Don Shula approved football team. It would make all the sense in the world for the Dolphins to feed on that Hurricane energy, like a dad with a black mastercard watching over the kids while they fuck and fight on the beach, getting ready to ring up Cuban exoticos for the Yacht Parties for the Boys, a real Culture could be had here is what I’m saying, but the Dolphins are NFL corporate NERDS and none of that beautiful fantasy will ever happen.
But it could, if football hadn’t gone all corporate, but they did and the Dolphins are just a Franchise of the Corporate NFL, which is some shady Disney shit and, I mean, it might literally end up being a Disney franchise if things keep going the way that they are, with the fucking Avengers and Luke Skywalker teaming up with the Pirates of the Caribbean to face off with the Disney Dallas Cowboys for the future of FUN!!!
But the Dolphins always abhor their natural culture, that is what I was getting at. They’ll probably make easy work of the Broncos, who are going to give their life blood to John Elway, so he can pretend that he is a brilliant executive and not just some dude whose brain probably looks like sour grapes in an MRI. But Elway sells to the yokels for now. But the yokels are mean and ornery or at least revved up by Face Book bullshit and Q playing hexagonal chess with the proles or whatever the fuck these mad idiots have gulped up, and they can turn on you in a hurry, and today John Elway is a football hero, but tomorrow, the yokels will have him mixed up with the LAMESTREAM MEDIA and he’ll be offered as a sacrifice to Rush Limbaugh as he embarks on cannibalism in the newest way to MAGA.
Pick: Miami
NY Jets (+9.5) at LA Chargers
Both these teams are dreadful garbage, and it is so bad for the Jets that people might actually want to watch this game for perverse reasons. I don’t know, I don’t want to watch this fucking game, but take the 0-16 Lions and imagine if that team played in New York… that is what could start to turn into a feeding frenzy of misery porn for the Jets. Joe Namath will end the season by drunkenly lurching at Katie Nolan or whoever the fuck they sacrifice to these ogres, and of course Joe Willy Namath will be bare ass naked, his old man balls dangling, dick pointing to the cold hard ground.
There are a lot of scenarios at play here should the Jets do a Lions. That’s all I’m saying. And it will all happen right around the new year so, fuck, with no one in Times Square, they might get the Jets up there and then Joe Willy Namath…
Okay, so the only appeal here is the misery of it all, amplified by the NEW YAWK of it all, which could create the world’s first self-aware migraine, an actual creature that unfolds in our collective heads and just bashes the fuck out of his surroundings aka our poor brains. What I’m saying is, I don’t give a fuck about the goddamn Jets and I want them to win a game just so we don’t have to go through all that horseshit.
The Chargers? No one in America, or Mexico even, gives a fuck about the Chargers.
Pick: Jets
LA Rams (+4) at Tampa Bay
A genuine game to get a glimpse at playoff football. The Rams have done enough to at least be in the conversation in the NFC WAR GAMES that is going on with the NFC West and Tampa Bay and New Orleans and maybe Green Bay, and the Rams are really underrated still, I think, even amongst all these teams dripping with WAR GAMES blood. But Tom Brady was embarrassed by Drew Brees, and in the old man dick game, Brady got left looking like his was a pinky finger sized abomination.
Now I don’t know how, and I really don’t have all the details, but I can guarantee that Tom Brady outsourced for a Rhino dick. Gisele said she still preferred a human dick, but she understood that they are Better and Richer and if the next evolution in dickupsmanship is grafting a rhinoceros dick onto Tom’s circuit board then she’ll be proud to ride it. That’s just Gisele, pulling from all cultures befitting a German Brazilian. Rhino dicks are being treated with reverence and respect for the rhino culture. It’s very important to Gisele.
So, with Brady outfitted with a Rhino Dick, he is poised to maybe break horns with the Rams, but Brady might be surprised by what Aaron Donald whips out. Brady needs to get this game, to just sweep that loss to Brees to the dustbin, and continue on with Rhino Dick running point.
Listen, the NFL is all about which quarterback has the biggest dick. I have tactfully and gracefully referenced this a couple of times, and there is no way in hell that Tom Brady will let this Rhino Dick go to waste. Then again, if it did, he and Gisele could always call back upon the zoo, or whatever abominations of man that Uncle Klaus has in his vast back catalogue of savage man dick. One way or another, Tom Brady will purchase the world’s biggest Dick. It’s all he knows how to do.
Pick: Bucs
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