Deep in the winter of my discontent, I bring you another Gambling With Sanity. Obviously, I blew off the Thursday game as I battle with breaking free of certain substances which is not something you care about most likely, but fuck it, I feel I owe you some explanation as I sleep and read and watch TV instead of writing, but I am ready to get back at it or at least something like it. I have some G1 writing to do too, but for now, let’s get this shit out of the way before I miss the week entirely and let you all down like the simpering fool I am fast becoming. Anyway, last week I went 8-7 and completely forgot to even pick the Tampa Bay/Denver game because I am an ass and anyway lol keeping my head above the waters of .500 is a goddamn victory given my usual fuckups and awaaaaaayyyyy we go.
Indianapolis (-2.5) at Chicago
The Colts continue to play unlikely decent football with the corpse of Philip Rivers while the Bears manage to rickety along somehow undefeated even though they retain the hallmarks of every mediocre Bears team, only with a somewhat shittier defense and a turn towards Nick Foles as Mitch Trubisky falls into the Dark Pit of Despair that every Bears quarterback has fallen into since the now ancient days of Jim McMahon although the Rex Grossman years were perhaps not that terrible in retrospect and anyway the point of this goddamn run-on sentence is that there is no way the Bears undefeated days last too much longer, right? Right.
Still, I can’t really say who will win this game because of the aforementioned wtf of it all, both teams playing with the proverbial fire of pretending to be any damn good although who is to say when pretending becomes reality? Either way, the people of Indianapolis have been both lucky when it comes to quarterback over the last two decades now and unlucky when you consider even Peyton Manning often failed especially when lost in the shadow of Tom Brady and the Patriots, Andrew Luck seemed like the next franchise QB only to quit instead of concussing himself into an early grave and now with Philip Rivers as he fights off the sunset of oblivion that is his disappointing career. It’s a weird legacy and it’s easy to see this going off the rails soon although maybe the Colts continue to get lucky and ride this rickety wagon for one more season.
Like I said, the Bears are always on the verge of shitting themselves and yet there they are at 3-0 and none of it really makes any goddamn sense but welcome to the Bears annual story, which is a never-ending crapshoot that no one can ever make any sense of. Bears fans, of course, tend to represent this Who Fucking Knows mentality as most are caricatures of caricatures, the Super Fans from Saturday Night Live only more ridiculous, and yet some are simply long suffering soul wrecks like LPOY aka @turriblev666 who remains my comrade in Armchair Linebacker arms and also the Despair of rooting for a perpetual soul fucker of a team. It’s a weird dichotomy but I’ve already written over 500 words here and have 14 more games to go so let’s just move on and say I don’t have a fucking clue what will happen in this game.
Pick: Bears?
New Orleans (-3) at Detroit
lol oh man how is this only a 3-point spread? Yeah, the Lions improbably won in the desert, but I mean come on. The Saints are still in a different league even if they are struggling a bit at 1-2. Drew Brees remains a loathsome shithead and there are no winners in this game when it comes to being likable, but even so, at least he is a legit NFL QB who has succeeded for a long time and even last week he still went for almost 300 yards with 3 TDs and 0 INT against the Packers which suggests that he will firebomb the Lions secondary into a terrible hell. The people of New Orleans obviously have had their struggles over the years like the time they were all washed away in a Biblical flood but even in the midst of that shitshow they still had dudes like Heinie wading through the waters with a bucket of Heineken laughing at it all and have a better psychic history than the poor people of Detroit who have been Fucked for years now, jobs disappearing into the bleak void, racial discord with riots 50 plus years ago still lingering in the city’s subconscious collective, and, of course, the fucking Lions hanging over all of it, their own misery predating even the race riots. I mean, goddamn.
And now you have the Jabba like sloth of Matt Patricia and the soulless degeneracy of Bob Quinn making it all somehow even worse, and their bullshit swagger reaching the height of ridiculous pretense in the desert last week with the stupid ass Dagger Time bullshit the False result of some unlikely interceptions as Kyler Murray quite literally threw the game away for the Cardinals. Perhaps I am being unfair, but shit, haven’t we seen this kind of toss-up bullshit before, giving everyone False Hope for a week here and there, stringing out this madness for longer and longer and allowing these shitheads to survive thanks to delusionary madness on the part of desperate fans? Yes. Yes, we have, and it never turns out well, does it? Matt Prater remains a sad hero, a kicker called on to save everyone’s collective ass one more time as the whole thing remains a painful slog into the oblivion of the soul, a fanbase desperately dancing on the hot coals of hell until the whole thing burns through their feet and they are left kicking in misery on their backs, the devil laughing and shoving hot pokers up their ass, and Matt Prater isn’t enough to save them. It’s fucking terrible, and somehow the toss-up victories are even worse than the soul sucking losses because they just keep this fucking thing going and going and going. Fuck it, I can’t take it.
Pick: New Orleans
Arizona (-3.5) at Carolina
Speaking of the Cardinals, last week was an obvious case of Growing Pains and not the Kirk Cameron/Alan Thicke show of day’s gone past. It was instead a week that saw Kyler Murray act like the young dude that he is, throwing the game away and reminding everyone that these New Exciting Cardinals are still fighting the Misery of Years Past, each week a fight against their nature, looking for something new and beautiful to blossom in the desert even though it has long been a dead place where nothing grows but sand and broken souls, parched and dying in the miserable sun.
And yet, here they are, still favored over the Panthers, and why not? It’s not like Carolina is doing anything even with Christian McCaffrey and the people of Carolina are left to perhaps rue that they ran Cam Newton out of town. I mean, Teddy Bridgewater? Come on, man. Sure, they beat the Chargers last week, but the Chargers are in a rebuilding mode and it’s still just 1-2 in a season that isn’t going anywhere. Let’s not dwell too much on this and write another billion words as we are already over 1,200 words into this fucking thing with only a fifth of it written. Shit, man.
Pick: Arizona
Jacksonville (+2.5) at Cincinnati
I am tempted to just starting firing off Fred Durst gifs again as the Jaguars sink into a familiar despair even with the Psychic Warrior energies of Gardner Minshew who despite Stablerish tendencies I suspect is also perhaps False, which is not a popular opinion and even goes against stuff I have already written and yet, here we are. I mean, whipped by the fucking Dolphins of all teams? That ain’t fucking good even by Jags standards. Then again, this is a city that went from the heady Skynyrd days to the fucking soulless wreck of the Durst Bizkit days and have been saddled with the ever-depressing Jaguars, sinking from the Brunell led days of Youthful Hope to whatever the fuck they’ve been doing for the last, shit, twenty years? Sure. The parallels and metaphors loom large and have led to them being underdogs against the pathetic Bengals. Bad Times.
The Bengals, meanwhile, managed to tie the Eagles who remain their own disheveled mockery of a Super Bowl memory, so it’s not like they conquered the Himalayas of the Soul or anything. Instead, they are 0-2-1 and yet Joe Burrow looks like a potential savior, which is somewhat of a miracle as these things never work out for the Bengals. Still, 0-2-1 is 0-2-1 and the Bengals fans remain troglodyte Ohio degenerates and so fuck them.
Pick: Jacksonville
Cleveland (+4.5) at Dallas
This is the part where I tell you I still believe in the Browns and Baker Mayfield, but this has really been Nick Chubb’s team as much as anything. Baker uber alles etc. still. Of course, the people of Cleveland are all vile wretches except for Desmond Howard and Elvis Grbac NEVER FORGET. Also, Charles Woodson, my favorite player ever, is from fucking Columbus of all places so these things get complicated. Also, Dan has made me a fan(ish) so I am happy to see the Browns at 2-1 all things considered. It likely sets up for an 8-8 type season, but that is progress for these dudes.
Dallas, of course, remains even more vile than Ohio as an entity and a people, a grotesque big city built on oil and blood, mostly oil as the people lack blood for the most part, being alienish cartoons of nouveau riche hicks who are basically cannibals, a city of Jerry Jones caricatures, imagine such a rotten thing. As for the football team, they remain an underachieving squad grasping in the dark for meaning and relevance despite everyone pretending like they matter, a 1-2 team that also sets up for an 8-8ish season, and that is definitely not progress for these idiots. I mean, Dak Prescott threw for almost 500 yards last week against Seattle and they *still* fucking lost. It is perhaps fitting now more than ever that they America’s Team. Them and the fucking Raiders. What a cartoonish metaphor for this whole fucking hideous place. Still, it’s hard to see them blowing this at home, but you never know with these degenerates who are just as likely still to be found fighting hookers in a crack den as anything else.
Pick: Dallas
Minnesota (+4) at Houston
You gotta figure the Vikings win *sometime*, right? Still lololol it couldn’t happen to a more odious shithead than Kirk Cousins. I have written so much about what an infernal douchebag this dude is that I probably don’t need to go into it again, ranting and raving about False Christianity and all that shit. You know how I feel. I’m not sure if the people of Minnesota deserve all this. I know my Uncle Ted didn’t, but to be honest he also drifted into an ultra-conservative form of Catholicism before he died, like the sort that doesn’t recognize Vatican II and attended a Latin only church like a crazy person in between loving the Vikings like a sinner. He may have taken Sundays seriously but that still didn’t stop him from being glued to the TV when game time began. So shit, maybe they do deserve it. Maybe they all do. Still, I loved him dearly despite his many, many (lol) flaws, so as usual, these things are complicated. That’s just life.
Houston can’t catch a break when it comes to the schedule and despite being a team who should be contenders behind DeShaun Watson, they have pretty much already shit the season away. It’s probably not fair, but these things happen. And as much as they deserve a win probably, it’s still tough for me to see the Vikings go 0-4, and yet it’s tough for me to see the same about the Texans, whose people have suffered floods and despair, including my Aunt Connie, who to be honest I’ve only met once and that was at my Grandpa’s funeral. Maybe I’ll see her again at my Dad’s and remember my Dad died in fucking March so this pandemic thing is extra dark for me. Anyway, I’m babbling, but my point, I guess, is that this is a battle of family for me in a weird and fucked up way. But one is alive and one is dead, and they are and were both fucked up by any measure so it is all fitting in a sad and somewhat brutal way. Again, such is life.
Pick: Minnesota
Seattle (-6) at Miami
Every year it feels like people want to bury Seattle and yet every year they win. It’s mostly thanks to Russell Wilson, but don’t discount Pete Carroll, who knows how to coach defense and learned to win in college at USC and win big. Still, that all ended in acrimony and dudes getting stripped of Heismans and such so it can all fall apart at any time for him. Then again, you can get away with breaking the rules in the Pros and to be honest in college now too. Pete Carroll missed the boat there by about a decade. In any event, I don’t see him Losing It as he remains the one dude who could beat Jim Harbaugh in the NFL. Harbaugh, of course, gets a ton of hate but mostly from idiots. Regardless of all that, as long as Russell Wilson is still The Man in Seattle, it’s hard to see them falling off much even if they are playing in a fanless dystopia like everyone else in the league which probably hurts them more than anyone. I mean, they aren’t gonna lose to the fucking Dolphins at least.
The Dolphins whipped up on the hapless Jags last week, an eye opener maybe but maybe not since it was just the Jags. Still, Ryan Fitzpatrick has proven himself a Stablerish presence with a disgusting beard and a weird life full of Poor Choices, although maybe they are Heroic Choices too, befitting a man who passed up the perfect Harvard life to not be a despicable asshole in the NFL, although to be honest it’s hard to say which is spiritually worse. But he has a disgusting beard and is a Stablerish presence despite being a Harvard Man, which is nearly an impossible trick and yet here we are. It’s still only a matter of time before he loses his job to Tua, but that is the life of Ryan Fitzpatrick and the odious nature of this fucking league. The people of Miami, especially the hot assed Cubans, deserve better probably. Then again, due to their Castro hating most are inexplicably drawn to the Republicans, and a Cuban voting for Donald Trump is too dark to really contemplate and yet here we are. Still, gotta love hot asses. That much goes without saying and remains apolitical at least in the sense that my dick doesn’t care. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Miami maybe doesn’t deserve a bad football team, but maybe it does? I don’t know.
Pick: Seattle
LA Chargers (+7) at Tampa Bay
The Chargers QB is Justin Herbert. The Bucs QB is Tom Brady. That pretty much says it all, right? After the Bucs win this one, the only question is how many of the serfs will Brady Patrick Bateman? And will Gisele sit in the corner watching, smoking a cigarette and shouting instructions in German with a Portuguese accent? I guess only time will tell.
Pick: Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh (-1) at Tennessee
The Steelers have been contenders for roughly 50 years which is fucking ridiculous and makes them the anti-Lions. That is a good place to be from a Spiritual point of view, obviously, and yet they are ugly spiritually so long as a goddamn rapist quarterbacks the team. Devin Bush doesn’t deserve this. I have never really been a big Steelers fan and, at least in recent memory, it is because of Poor Choices like this. Still, I love my man Devin Bush so maybe my heart creeps into this after all. It’s fucked up but this is a fucked up world.
Tennessee remains entirely too boring in every sense of the word, and yet they seem to have perfected a formula – play defense and run the ball – that is as old fashioned as it is reasonably effective. I say reasonably only because it is a limited philosophy in today’s wild haired NFL and when Patrick Mahomes or Lamar Jackson come calling, it’s easy to see how it can and probably will all fall apart. This is honestly a tough game to call, but as odious as Ben Roethlisberger is, he can sling it, but as an old man whose dick honestly barely works half the time, at least if there is any Cosmic Justice in the world, might be a tough matchup for the Titans. Then again, there is no cosmic justice in the world. This, we largely know, right? But the Titans might also be a tough matchup for Roethlisberger. At least one would hope. But hoping rarely gets any of us anywhere. I should know, I am a Lions fan.
Pick: Pittsburgh
Baltimore (-14) at Washington
lol what a line, one you rarely see in the NFL with its parity, but despite losing to Kansas City which isn’t exactly a failure worthy of condemnation for anyone, the Ravens should roll here. Then again, for the Ravens, the Chiefs are their measuring stick and to continue to come up short has to be alarming, especially as Lamar Jackson didn’t exactly play well, at least not befitting an MVP. Still, the Washington Football Team (lololol) are not the Chiefs. And a Harbaugh led machine should grind them into paste.
The Washington Football Team is the sort of name that only reinforces how soulless and depressing this franchise has become. Thanks, Dan (not our Dan, obviously)! Of course, they have run away most of their fans by now so it hardly matters. They stink and will likely continue to stink so long as Boy Blunder owns the team. In the battle between neighbors, they are gonna get drilled. Little more needs to be said without launching into a wild-eyed rant about how they are also a perfect metaphor for America, much like the Cowboys and Raiders, all in different ways, and yet, all the same too. Let’s just acknowledge this and move on before I start pounding the keyboard here like an angry fucking Beethoven. Wait, that sounds like Beethoven fucks angrily. Maybe he did, who knows?
Pick: Baltimore
NY Giants (+13) at LA Rams
I guess these sorts of lines aren’t that rare after all. Shit. Not a good look for the NFC East, eh? But the New York/New Jersey mouthbreathers deserve nothing less than this shitty football team, who will likely remain Of Shit for a long time. Then again, you never know when the Giants will make a Super Bowl run out of nowhere. But neither Eli Manning or Tom Coughlin are walking through that door and the Giants are probably beginning one of their old fashioned QB/Coach turnstiles which is what happens when you “outsmart” yourself and start picking the Daniel Jones’ of the world to lead your team. I put “outsmart” in quotations for obvious reasons.
The Rams are probably no longer the team of destiny they once seemed, but they are still decent enough, I think. They lost to Buffalo, sure, but Buffalo is 3-0 and proving their trendy nature largely correct. But the Rams are still 2-1, still not that far removed from being the best team in the league, and for sure better than the Giants. Two TD better? I think so. Also, a lack of fans probably hurts anyone less, at least any of the contenders, than the Rams who play in the fanless LA where people probably still care about the Raiders more, and also getting high on blow in the hills and fucking each other, not that there is anything wrong with any of that. Except loving the Raiders anyway. I mean, shit, that is all more commendable than being sports fans even if it is done with a sort of soulless depravity. Welcome to LA, baby. You can check out any time you like but you can never leave. Man, quoting the Eagles? Has it really sunk so low for me? Yes, yes it has. Still, it is apropos for LA, I think.
Pick: Rams
New England (+7) at Kansas City
The Patriots still remain The Patriots, at least kinda sorta. It’s hard to trust Cam Newton leading them all the way, but he has been Cam Newton again. It’s just how are you gonna replace Tom Brady and not have some drop-off? It helps that Belichick is still there ogreing it up and I think it’s safeish to say it was both he and Brady that made this special for so long. I mean, there is no true Patriot Way that really works, just look at all the failed and bloated corpses of Belichick assistants through history. One idiot in particular. Ahem. That whole idea is a dumb illusion for the most part, overlooking the sheer ruthlessness of Belichick combined with the greatest QB of all time. I mean, shit, how are you ever gonna duplicate that? Easy answer; you aren’t. Belichick himself is probably the only dude who can come close, but this is still a team whose horizon has come all too quickly and who knows what lies on the edge of the world? Then again, maybe it really is round.
The Chiefs are the obvious Kings of the NFL now and I don’t mean that in a comparatory (did I just make up a word? Fuck it.) way to the Sacramento or LA Kings. Patrick Mahomes has proven himself fucking ridiculous in the best of ways and when they are not beating their wives, the Chiefs are almost impossible to stop. They have beaten everyone, including the Patriots and that was with Brady, so . . . yeah, hard to see this being any different unless Cam Newton goes apeshit and one for one with Mahomes, but I fucking doubt it. Also, Andy Reid still makes, uh, some suspicious decisions, so the chance is always there for Belichick to embarrass him. But not with this team, I think, and not this year. Unfortunately, the people of Kansas City are largely Trumpian ogres, so there are no real winners here, only temporary victories lasting a few hours on Sundays. The rest of the time they may as well be roping dudes who look like Mahomes to trees. Yes, that is an awful thing to say, an even more awful thing to imagine, and yet, have you met me? This is the dark, dark world in which we live in. lol speaking of being able to check out but never leave.
Pick: Kansas City
Buffalo (-3) at Las Vegas
Like I said, the Bills have largely proven their bandwagoners right, which is almost shocking given their history, especially over the last 20 years or so, which saw them threaten to head into a Lionsesque oblivion. The scariest part? They still have that defense first identity but are slaying teams with their offense for the first time since Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas and Andre Reed were all still in their primes. Of course, it is absurd to compare this team to those teams even with the success they’ve had so far. It looks like I was wrong on Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs has proven himself a true number one receiver type but is that enough? Maybe, even if Devin Singletary is no Thurman Thomas and both Allen and Diggs are pale comparisons to the OG Bills stars. But 3-0 is 3-0 and first place is still still first place even if the season is still absurdly young. The rather listless line tells me Vegas still isn’t as sold on them as most, so it will be interesting to see how this plays out the rest of the season, and whoever thought you would think or say that about the Bills? I do feel somewhat of a kinship to the people of Buffalo as kind of a Detroit sister city, but that is not exactly a ringing endorsement either.
The Raiders, as Las Vegas’ new team are carpetbaggers and spiritually bereft vagabonds, most like the people who wander in and out of Vegas like zombies having dropped their kids’ college fund, grifted by soulless degenerates. It is a fitting end for a once spiritually dominant franchise, which is now owned by a Trumpian buffoon on the edge of despair and idiot madness much like the real thing. They, like the Cowboys and the Washington Football Team (lololol) are both symbolic of the dark heart of America and the remnants of the American Dream, which of course has died. Three versions of America’s Team, three soulless wretches in a soulless league. Still, they have kind of surprised me with a 2-1 start, but Vegas remains dark, both literally and figuratively right now, a virtual ghost town perfect for a ghost team. It’s all just so fucking ugly. They don’t deserve to even win one game after what they did to poor Harpo, my boy and erstwhile Armchair Linebacker compatriot. But if anyone knows being broken it is the boys from the old Armchair Linebacker before I stole it all like a monster and wrote terrible gibberish like this. The point? Half that site in its old guise could no longer even exist thanks to the various spiritual disasters that are our teams. I press on because I am an idiot. Half of my boys have quit the NFL entirely. And perhaps nothing sums up the Raiders better than this.
Pick: Buffalo
Philadelphia (+7) at San Francisco
Perhaps no team has suffered a more inexplicable, not to mention fast, fall from grace as the Eagles, who won their first championship and then got the fuck out of town spiritually and are now tying the lowly Bengals and how did any of this happen? Beats me, as they still have the coach and the quarterback (the Nick Foles of it all aside, but even he was just a dude who got a hot hand at the right time, this was always Carson Wentz’s team.) 0-2-1 is still proof that this thing has gone off the rails. It all will lead to the fucking Cowboys winning the division because look at the rest of the division. The Eagles remain the best bet to make a run, probably, but things aren’t looking good and their only saving grace is that things look even worse for the Giants and the Washington Football Team (lololol). But the people of Philly are largely animals much like their Giants fan brethren, the Tosh of it all aside, but even he is a goddamn animal really albeit a lovable one like myself.
The 49ers look like they might actually be the team to beat in the NFC, partially because the NFC is so damn weak this season, and as defending NFC Champs, they still hold the edge give or take a Seattle run. Most 49ers fans have always been awful, dating back to their run in the 80s and early 90s which saw a secret degenerate in Joe Montana and a fucking Mormon in Steve Young run things. They have nothing near those dudes and especially no one near Jerry Rice, but they can run the ball, so maybe they have a Roger Craig at least. Or at least a team that can match him collectively. But those are all names from a million years ago now and my original point is that most 49ers fans, not all, but most have been assholes since then, effete wine drinkers who long existed in direct opposition spiritually to the bikers and tow truck drivers who loved the Raiders before that all shriveled up and died with two too many moves by the franchise and now it is all gone and different and maybe the 49ers fans have been humbled by a lack of success for the most part since. Then again, they have made the Super Bowl twice in the last decade, so probably not. And they might make another this season. We’ll just have to see.
Pick: 49ers
Atlanta (+7) at Green Bay
The Falcons are maybe the one team who have suffered a more inexplicable and sadder fall from grace than the Eagles. Blowing another huge lead, still followed by whatever cursed them in the Super Bowl, which saw them get Batemaned by Brady, it’s all just so pathetic and embarrassing and dudes should be getting fired soon, I think. Maybe even Matt Ryan, who still can’t win despite having badass receivers every season. It almost looks like a Lions team with Calvin Johnson or Herman Moore or . . . you get the point. Ryan is more Matthew Stafford than Scott Mitchell though, but spiritually speaking that is still pretty damning no matter how much I have come to admire Stafford the man and even football player. But some cultures just become toxic and it becomes time to move on. No one is safe in Atlanta. My boy used to live there, by the way, and the most striking thing about the city seemed to be fucking ungodly traffic which he would get stuck in and then call me for hour long talks while sitting in his car ready to eat his gas pipe which is maybe the worst type of pipe to “enjoy”. I have heard good things about Atlanta from other people, though, so maybe his story is not an apt metaphor but maybe it is.
The Devil still rules in Green Bay, and the Packers probably still rule the NFC North, which is weaker than it’s been largely because the Vikings have shit themselves by making a Poor Choice in Kirk Cousins. But Aaron Rodgers is probably the anti-Cousins, at least as far as being a winning NFL player anyway. They are both shitheads personally, or maybe that is just my Packers hate clouding the issue as sometimes I find myself *gasp* admiring Rodgers. That is a gross thought, though, and I am ashamed to have said it out loud. And I also maybe admire the egalitarian sense of fan and owner which are one in the same in Green Bay, but again that is an odious thought and all Lions fans are horrified by my dark secrets. But I can’t help it. Maybe it is the familial association with my dudes and lady dudes, great aunts and uncles, who live in the Far North of Michigan, which is shamefully Packers country, but can you really blame them when the alternative is being a Lions fan? I don’t know. I still hate the Packers on the whole though thanks to my own Lions fandom and will always curse Brett Favre and Sterling Sharpe and, yes, the Devil himself. Get behind me Satan!!! But like I said, the Packers are the best team in the moribund division again, and should be able to whip on the spiritually bereft Falcons. Don’t blame me, I just think bad thoughts sometimes.
Pick: Green Bay
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