Before I start this awful descent into madness, I’ll apologise in advance for the Neilness of this whole thing. I’ve been reading his writing forever and thus I expect he’s rubbed off on me. And on my writing too.
And thus, it begins.
Tampa Bay (-3) at Chicago
I’ll be skipping this one entirely because of all the wheezing and blathering about the SuperBowl that Fat Matt Patricia won for Nick Foles. I like Handsome Tom and Gronk (FUIUD) and I hope they win it all, and I also hope Chicago go to shit and never recover. Even though it’s the city of Bernie Mac, their fans have all the unbearableness of the Eagles with none of the charm. May they rest in shit.
Pick: Tampa Bay
Arizona (-8.5) at the Jets
Man who the fuck cares about either of these teams? Kyler Murray is the only player I could name on either team, and that’s only because he looks like a lil’ pixie out there, dancing around and throwing a ball twice the size of his head around. Is Larry Fitzgerald still around? If so is there a bigger “guy who exists but never really mattered” player ever?
Pick: Arizona
Carolina at Atlanta (-3.5)
Two teams that were utterly destroyed by their SuperBowl appearances. Cam shitting out of that loose ball killed the Panthers, and Atlanta are just broken beyond belief. It’s one thing getting smacked around by Tom Terrific and Wild Bill, quite another to get the same treatment by Nick Foles and whichever hycuking goof is coaching the Bears now. Cam strolling away from it all and lighting it up with the Pats is definitive proof that he, in fact, owns.
Pick: Atlanta
Cincinnati at Baltimore (-13)
Neil has written at (considerable) length about how the Lions and Browns are the same sort of cursed, dead franchises that have failure imprinted on their soul. Cincinnati are way along that path, they don’t have long to figure it out. And they won’t. You can just sense it. A sweet, sickly smell whenever they play. Decay setting in. It’s inevitable I’m afraid. Just as inevitable – Lamar Jackson being this unreal talent who lives forever in Patrick Mahomes’ shadow. The HGH Manning to Mahomes’ Touchdown Tom. Shame really, but also who cares. Baltimore peaked with The Wire and nothing this team achieves will ever beat that.
Pick: Baltimore
Jacksonville at Houston (-6.5)
Fuck man, I’m only five fucking games into this. I don’t know how Neil does it. It’s soul sucking. Anyway, Houston is a soulless miserable town. I went there once, the fans were shit and booed their own team as they stumbled and bumbled their way to a dominant victory over (who else?) Detroit. I then went to a gun range and fired an Uzi, a silenced pistol and an AR-15. Why do I mention this? Because that’s fucking nuts man, nobody should be able to just walk in to a gun store, point at a few, and be given them to play with. What a town.
Jacksonville are a tough one for me. On the one hand, they’re owned by the bizarre virgin who owns a shit soccer team and a shittier wrestling promotion. The kind of uber failson that deserves only misery and unhappiness. On the other, the legendary Fred Durst hails from Jacksonville, and is it truly possible to root against one’s own soul like that?
(No)
Pick: Jacksonville
Las Vegas at KC (-11.5)
Man fuck the Raiders forever. Fuck Travis Kelce too, but fuck the Raiders. How dare they relocate away from probably the only good fanbase in the league. And to Vegas? Vegas is fucking awful , and if you disagree you need to strongly reconsider your life choices. Just a sterile shithole. The Dana White of America – bloated, bald, rich and yet somehow still trash.
Pick: KC
LA Rams (-9.5) at Washington Football Team lol
Fuck both these teams, but obviously Washington more. Solidarity with the Dirt God.
Pick: LA
Philly at Pittsburgh (-7)
The weird thing about Philly fans is that even the people who aren’t from Philly act like that. My pal Bruce is a huge fans of all the Philly teams (except he’s also a Yankees fan which seems super appropriate) and he’s just the worst fucking guy to watch sports with. He flew down to Philly for the SuperBowl (from Canada) just to party if they won (and I assume smash shit up if they lost). It’s rumoured that he was the legendary horse shit eater in their post SuperBowl orgy, but nobody has confirmed it officially. Anyway, I like a team that has hate in their heart a lot better than a team that has rape at it’s heart.
Pick: Philly
Miami at San Fran (-8.5)
Miami probably sucks but that Will Smith song carries a lot of weight with me. That said, The Rock was set in San Francisco, so it’s like choosing between parents. Miami has Fitzpatrick with his stupid memebeard and his fat idiot face beneath it. But then San Fran has a guy with a long shit name that isn’t interesting enough to google. Fuck it, Big Willie Style
Pick: Miami
Denver at New England (-11)
I love Belichick. I love that he cheats and everyone gets mad. I love that he breaks rules and they invent new punishments because everyone is so mad they can’t just punish him according to their own rules. That guy is a fucking winner and a murderer and I love seeing it. And then you team him up with Cam, who gets everyone mad too and you just have the ultimate pissboiling team. It’s absolutely marvellous to see. And their racist fans have to cheer a black QB! It’s fucking art and I love it. Denver are the reason I’m writing this – I’m not watching Denver vs the fucking Jets on a Thursday
Pick: New England
Indianapolis (-2.5) at Cleveland
Lol Cleveland aren’t even favourites in their own stadium against the rotten corpse of Philip Rivers. That’s that sweet smell again (also I just noticed Detroit don’t play this week, what timing). They should be way better than Indy based on me not liking Indy. An internet dude who sucked liked Indy and I will always root against them as a result. Fuck you Bankholdup. Go huff stripper smell from your sister’s soiled undergarments you fucking quim.
Pick: Cleveland
New York Giants at Dallas (-11.5)
Nothing I write about Dallas will even come close to anything Neil has written, so all I’ll add is that someone should check Jerry Jones’ hard drive. The English slang word for pedophile is nonce, and Jerry Jones is an absolute nonce. Just say it out loud. It fits so well.
Pick: Dallas
Minnesota at Seattle (-9.5)
My buddy Mike is a big Vikings fan and has a short temper. As such, watching the Vikings with him over the years has been an absolute joy. I hope they get to the playoffs again so I can watch the 2020 incarnation of Joe Webb or Blair Walsh fuck them back into misery. Russell Wilson is awesome and I genuinely wish him well. I don’t want them to win a SuperBowl or anything but I wish him well.
Pick: Seattle
LA Chargers at New Orleans (-7.5)
Neil is way better at the New Orleans stuff, but let me just say lol at that pic of Brees’ fucked up old man MAGA arm. I hope he loses all feeling and can’t even jerk himself off when his wife leaves him (shortly after his hairline packs up and leaves).
Pick: LA
There we have it, 1200 words of gibberish and spite. It would have been 1900 if Detroit were playing but that’s probably for the best. I hope Matt Patricia dies and so do the Fords and everyone else in that franchise except for the players, who are freed to go anywhere else and enjoy long fruitful lives.
Oh man remember Kyle Vanden Bosch? What a fucking cunt he was. With his dumbass red contacts. Absolute chud. You just know he’s an impotent little Proud Boy now, rat looking motherfucker. Herrenvolk my ass lol.
Uhhhh… yeah I’m never doing this again.
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