I'm Sorry Grandma

lol . . . well

Yeah. In the span of less than a week – shit, less than four hours really – everything changed. Again. Yes, it’s been that sort of season, and I don’t even know what to say anymore. One day, you’re trading for Damon Harrison and looking primed to make a run, the next you’re trading Golden Tate and waving goodbye to the season. In between, you’re getting humiliated by the Seahawks while your fans turn into bipolar maniacs.

No one knows what to think. I don’t. And I don’t just mean bigger picture, or even for this single season. I mean game to game. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this way as a Lions fan. I mean, say what you will, and obviously I’ve said more than my share over the years, but shit, at least you usually knew what you were getting yourself into. This season is basically devoid of mediocrity. It is either “wow, these guys are actually good now” or “for fuck’s sake, when did Marinelli waddle back onto the field?”

Last week I gibbered on about how this didn’t seem like a battle vs the self anymore where the other team is essentially just another variable in the eternal war for our souls, but here we are again, barely even paying attention to the other because we’re so focused on the self again. It never really ends.

Trading Golden Tate feels like a capitulation. There’s no getting around that. He’s been Matthew Stafford’s best bro for a few years now, and losing him will hurt for the rest of the season. That said . . . I get it. I mean, here’s what I said way back in April:

“This is where you will all hoot like animals and throw literal shit at me, but I don’t care. Here’s the deal: I would at least consider trading Golden Tate. Hold on, hold on, I said consider. I didn’t say I would definitely do it, but I sure as hell would at least float the idea and see who bites. Here’s why: Tate is set to be a free agent after this season, a season which will see him on the wrong side of 30. This also coincides with Darius Slay’s cap number increasing over $10 million, and Ricky Wagner’s number ballooning. The Lions simply cannot afford everybody.

And Tate is good enough that the Lions will be forced to pay him as a true number one receiver even though I’m not sure that he is. Like I said, he’s an A+ number two guy. Are you prepared to give him a huge Jarvis Landry sized deal that will see him almost certainly decline with every season? There’s a ticking clock on Tate and I don’t want to have him on the books for a billion dollars when he’s 33 in a couple of years, missing half his games when he’s hurt and clearly a step slower when he does play.

This is where it’s hard for Lions fans to deal. That’s because in the NFL now, the best teams are cruel and without mercy. They’re constantly thinking several steps ahead and refuse to get themselves handcuffed by any player who’s not The Man. Think the Patriots with Tom Brady. It drives everyone nuts when Belichick and company are constantly trading guys – think Deion Branch years ago or Brandin Cooks just a month or so ago – but that’s because they are constantly trying to stay ahead of the curve and the salary cap. You can’t afford to get trapped by either the past or sentimentality. Has Golden Tate been great for us? You bet. We can’t make decisions based on that, though. We have to make decisions based on what we think is going to happen.

Looking at it through that prism, here is what we have: a receiver about to turn 30 who’s due for a huge contract even though he’s never really truly been The Man. He’s a one-time Pro Bowler and that’s great, but, you know, that’s also all. He almost publicly licked his lips when Jarvis Landry signed his huge extension, but here’s the thing: Jarvis Landry is 25, been to the three straight Pro Bowls and should only get even better. Golden Tate is not going to get better. He is what he is, and right now, if the Lions were smart, they’d try to get as much as they can for him while they can. They need to use the leverage they have instead of letting sentiment and propriety leverage them.”

I stand by that. It doesn’t really feel good, but shit, welcome to being a Lions fan.

The thing is, is that it’s further evidence that Matt Patricia and Bob Quinn aren’t fucking around. They know what they want to do and aren’t afraid to act like ogres to get it. This is a good thing. I mean, as long as their ideas are actually good anyway, but that is a whole ‘nother thing and to get into all of that right now would just invite madness and despair. I mean . . . you have to pick a direction and just go. We can’t afford to just sit here and bicker at one another while the ship goes down.

Still, it would probably help people to deal if Matt Patricia wasn’t losing his shit during pressers and ranting and raving at reporters about their postures like an insane person. That is the sort of shit that gets immediately baked into the dark lore of Lions Disease, the sort of thing that everyone will remember if this thing goes south. I mean . . . shit. Just the optics alone, man. Here you’ve got a fat walking heart attack with more hair than the fucking Wolfman dressed in hobo chic whining at a reporter for “not respecting the process” whatever the fuck that even means and . . . you just can’t do shit like this and expect everyone to buy it. He doesn’t have near enough credibility to pull something like that off. Further, it just adds to the whole circus like insanity feel that this season has become. It’s the sort of thing that obscures everything else, obliterates patience, and makes it hard for an already insane fanbase to keep their shit together long enough to let you figure this thing out.

I mean, shit, that’s the real story here. Lions fans are already fucking insane. I don’t even have to explain this, do I? And now you’ve got this weird ass season in which we basically know nothing and everything feels like being bipolar without any meds in sight. One day we’re laughing like idiots, doing whippets and talking about how we’re all gonna move to Hawaii and open a nudist colony for hot people only and the next we’re crying and licking batteries, answering the door naked and masturbating in front of Grandma. Poking at people like this isn’t just stupid, it’s dangerous as fuck.

Matt Patricia and Bob Quinn need time. That much is clear, I think. But “time” is one thing that bipolar maniacs like us can’t give you. We’ll try – we desperately want to try – but whenever Patricia or Quinn does something triggering like ranting and raving during a presser about posture, off come the clothes and Grandma’s gonna take a jizz shot to the eye. It’s horrible, but this is the world they have to understand they’re living in.

Anyway, shit. The battle against self rages on, just as it has for years and years, decades after decades, lifetimes after lifetimes, and into this mess step the Minnesota Vikings this week.

The Vikings are kind of a disappointment this season. They aren’t bad, but they aren’t that good either. When they signed Kirk Cousins, everyone named them the favorite in the division, maybe even in the conference. They were supposed to have a killer defense, Dalvin Cook was coming back to make their running game bigtime and now Cousins was coming to firebomb everyone along with Adam Thielen and Stefon Diggs. It turns out the defense is mediocre, which might have something to do with Everson Griffen not being healthy most of the season, Dalvin Cook is M.I.A. and while Cousins has thrown for a billion yards, it hasn’t really added up to much. The Vikings are middle of the pack in both offense and defense this season and the result is a disappointingly average team.

Of course, it’s not that disappointing for us and I would take an inordinate amount of pleasure in further ruining the season – and reputation – of that geek “Captain Kirk”. The Vikings thought they were getting the final piece to take them over the top, and instead the dude who went 8-8 every season in Washington just brought his soul poison with him to Minnesota. Cousins will put up huge numbers, but somehow it never seems to add up to much of anything.

Still, after watching Russell Wilson pick on every Detroit DB not named Darius Slay last week, it’s all too easy to see Cousins picking the Lions apart with throws to Adam Thielen all goddamn day long before going up top to Stefon Diggs. I might break out in hives just thinking about it.

But really, this isn’t about the Vikings. It’s depressing to say that because I hoped that we had gotten past this point, but clearly we haven’t. This is about the Lions fighting against Lions Disease, just as it always has been and just as it feels like – at least for today – like it always will.

I don’t know what else to really say about this game other than that. You know the deal. Either the Lions will somehow look great this week and beat the Vikings and we’ll all be talking about what could have been had the Lions hung on to Golden Tate, or the Lions will lose again and we’ll all be one step closer to defiling Grandma. This season has been weird as fuck, full of hideous terrors but also full of glimpses of a world that might be. How does someone cope with that sort of wild dichotomy? I don’t have any answers for you. That’s the problem. None of us know what to make of this, of any of this, and I suppose the only thing we can do is trust Matt Patricia and Bob Quinn. That is an almost absurd thing to ask of Lions fans, and yet what other choice do we have?

I’m sorry, Grandma. I’m sorry that shit got so weird when I answered the door. I’m sorry that, like me, you’ve suffered in the generational crisis that is being a Lions fan. I’m sorry that I can’t explain any of this to you, and I’m sorry that you’ll probably die before any of this gets sorted out – if it ever gets sorted out. I’m sorry that Matt Patricia seems vaguely autistic and doesn’t know how to behave in public. I’m sorry that Bob Quinn looks like a walking penis with humanoid facial features. Most of all, I’m sorry that these are the dudes we have no choice but to put our faith in. But this is the world we live in, and what the hell, at least they seem like they’re serious. At least they seem like they have a plan. I’m sorry, Grandma. I’m sorry.

Vikings 27 Lions 24