The Lions didn’t play on Sunday, which means that if I want to write about something Lions related, I’d have to talk about the team cutting fourth string running backs and resurrecting the corpse of Kevin Smith or about Matthew Stafford’s belly-button lint or openly speculating about the various dick sizes of the offensive linemen, and frankly, I just don’t want to do that to myself. Or to you. It’s also the midway point in the season, which means that everyone is handing out made up grades and wistfully looking back at the time that The Great Willie Young murdered Jay Cutler or the time that Tim Tebow turned the other cheek after Stephen Tulloch got done bitch slapping the other one.
So, rather than write about the various intrigues and hijinks taking place at Ford Field (although I will admit, I did consider writing a love story involving Leonard Davis and a ham sandwich) I thought I’d also take a look back at the first half of this beautiful season. But rather than handing out grades like some psychotic 9th grade shop teacher with a drug habit (Some would call it a problem, but I am an optimist and therefore like to think of them as “drug habits”) I thought I’d instead do the right thing and rip off Brian Cook of mgoblog, the venerable and beyond excellent Michigan sports blog. Every year, Brian writes haikus to commemorate the Michigan careers of each graduating senior on the football team. I thought I’d do the same for our boys.
Now, I’ll admit that it’s unseemly for me to jack Brian’s swagger like this, but I invented the Haiku in a previous life so, really, what you’ve got to ask yourself here is who is swagger jacking who? Think about it.
Anyway, let’s just get on with it before I end up accidentally writing a whole post devoted to utter nonsense. (Then again, why should this one be any different than any of the others?) Today, I figured I’d just do the offensive starters and maybe some key contributors and then in a couple of days I’ll do the defensive starters and key contributors (And yes, the “key contributors” addendum was created solely as an excuse to do Willie Young Haikus. Thank you for asking.) Oh, one thing you should probably know: I am just making these up off of the top of my head so if they are shitty, don’t blame me, blame my refusal to put any more thought into this beyond a shrug and thinking “Well, shit, let’s just start this fucking thing and see what happens.” Preparation is the tool of the devil after all. I mean, you know who really prepared? That’s right, Hitler. I rest my case. Also, if you are one of those Aspergery types who feels the need to count syllables like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man or some shit, hey, have a blast. Just don’t get all weird and throw a fit if there is an extra syllable tossed in here or there. We are better than that.
Okay, fine, I’ll stop gibbering and start, well . . . gibbering. But it will be meaningful gibberish. You understand the difference, right? RIGHT??? Anyway, here they are – the official Armchair Linebacker Midway Point in the Season Celebratory Haikus, or the ALMPITSCH, which I’ll admit sounds like the name of a German whore house catering to degenerate Nazi politicians or something, but . . . okay fine, I’m going to start now, I promise.
Matthew Stafford
Rocket-arm savior
So many questions remain
We all hold our breath
Jahvid Best
Tender egg-shell head
The ghost of Barry whispers
Such a tragedy
Calvin Johnson
Gift from the heavens
The soaring heart of my dreams
Fuck you Pereira
Nate Burleson
Promise unfulfilled
Where did you disappear to?
Come back to me now
Titus Young
The hubris of youth
A thunderstorm of promise
Yet unrealized
Brandon Pettigrew
Giant buffalo
Schwartz says he’s the running game
Six yards at a time
OR . . .
Giant steel traps for hands
Yet slick with oiled malice
Please don’t drop that pass
Tony Scheffler
White trash thunder-heart
Soul of a drunken dragon
Dance my sweet prince dance
Dominic Raiola
Too small and too weak
Can’t run block to save his life
But there’s no one else
Stephen Peterman
Big, fat, dumb, but tough
Blue collar nameless shadow
Please stop fucking up
Rob Sims
Not flashy, not good
Mere competence is enough
Depressing yet true
Gosder Cherilus
Gosder the man-child
The stench of Millen remains
Clinging to your soul
Jeff Backus
Wounded warrior
A mirror to our dark hearts
Human punching bag
Mikael LeShoure
Dead before you lived
Curse your goddamn Achilles
Why me, Lord? Why me?
Jason Hanson
Old Methusela
The beating heart of our pride
Please, never leave us
Okay, so that’s that. A failed experiment? Probably, but fuck it, cowardice is the way to the death of the soul and sometimes we need to reach into weird places in order to jump-start the stupid electric energies of our hearts. I have no regrets. Feel free to add your own Lions Haikus in the comments. Come on, it will be fun, like a class project on acid.
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