Since part one of Haikuamania 2011 seemed to be a resounding success (And by “resounding success” I mean nobody laughed scornfully or told me to knock it off. I have such high standards.) I figured I’d continue with this delightful array of Haikus about the Lions defensive starters and key contributors. (And yes, again, “key contributors” is basically just an excuse to do Willie Young Haikus. Then again, there is about a 96% chance that this is also how my twilight years will be spent – in some crooked nursing home being abused by junky orderlies, dribbling applesauce on my twin, my brain turned to mush, while I obsessively create new Willie Young Haikus every day until a news crew finally shows up to document the weird old man who never speaks and doesn’t respond to any external stimuli but spends his days and nights crafting exquisite Willie Young Haikus. This is how I will eventually break through because that is just how the universe works. Oh God, I have just seen the future . . .)
Anyway . . . yeah. Let’s just do this thing. And, as before, feel free to leave your own Haikus in the comments, and, again, if you feel the need to count syllables, have a blast, but keep your fascist rules to yourself, because we are spirit warriors and sometimes spirit warriors need to cheat the ancient Japanese Haiku overlords a bit in order to make a salient point. Oh, and if these are shitty, you have only yourself to blame. Why? Must I always provide you with the answers? Now let this class project on acid commence!
Ndamukong Suh
Thunder warrior
Dread Lord of the House of Spears
The scourge of Goodell
OR . . .
Massive man mountain
The earth trembles in your wake
And so does Cutler
OR . . . (You had to know I’d get carried away with this thing sooner or later.)
The sun, moon and stars
Watch wide eyed and terrified
And bow at your feet
OR . . . (in orderly to properly reflect what’s gone on this season)
Rise, nature’s fury
The fell hand of death’s judgment
But don’t overrun
Corey Williams
Untameable beast
The heart of a savage tide
You jumped too early
Cliff Avril
Flies like a missile
Launched into the heart of hell
The spirit of pain
Kyle VandenBosch
Red eye, blood red heart
Frothing pit-bull from hell’s mouth
Leads with eyes of fire
Sammie Hill
Country strong beast heart
Takes a back seat to no man
You’re not forgotten
Lawrence Jackson
Lo-Jack folk hero
Your fans have become legion
And you have found home
Willie Young
The Great Willie Young
Warrior of my own heart
What more can I say?
OR . . .
Child of my visions
I feel like a proud father
Every time you roar
OR . . .
You rose from our need
For a hero in these times
Strange yet terrible
OR . . .
Fisherman of souls
Sailing the oceans of time
You have hooked the world
OR . . .
Blood soaked avatar
Of all that is good and pure
The whole world owes you
OR . . .
Blowing through the line
A jungle cat in its prime
You hunt the Cutler
OR . . .
The bear trembles
The jaguar bows its noble head
For you are a Lion
OR . . .
The Lion king who rules
Rodgers, Cutler and Ponder
You own their spirits
OR . . .
The Great Willie Young
Mere words are too meaningless
To explain my joy
Stephen Tulloch
Kill and mock Tebow
The whole world watched it happen
Call it Tulloching
Justin Durant
Gun really likes you
We missed you while you were gone
Never leave again
DeAndre Levy
Levy that won’t break
Answer to the heart’s sad cries
The future is now
Bobby Carpenter
Looks like a Viking
The good kind not the purple
Steal the fucking ball
Eric Wright
Much maligned by Browns
Their dumb mistake is our gift
Lock that fucker down
Chris Houston
Pick six magician
They said you had no ball skills
I guess they were wrong
Louis Delmas
Call you the missile
You fly with reckless fury
Please wrap up your kills
Amari Spievey
Cornerback convert
Prove that you’re not the weak link
And savage the world
Ryan Donahue
Better than Harris?
The jury has yet to say
Show me what you’ve got
Stefan Logan
Shake, rattle and roll
Shit, there goes another one
Fuck these dumb new rules
Gunther Cunningham
Old man watches as
His heart opens on the world
And proves him worthy
Scott Linehan
Throw more on first down
Last year I called you Wizard
Don’t make me look dumb
Jim Schwartz
Man of fire and ice
Passion and brilliance in one
A man after my own heart
OR . . .
Shake hands like a man
Or risk the wrath of the Schwartz
Leader of my dreams
OR . . .
At last a real coach
A leader sent from heaven
To slay the demons
And there you have it, dudes and lady dudes. There is a part of me that just wants to do Haikus for a while, like some fucked up version of Rainman that counts syllables instead of matchsticks, but I know that I would just end up descending into indecipherable madness (too late?) and so I’ll stop now. I hope these weren’t too assy, but if they were, hey, what the hell, you know? Sometimes the world loves you and sometimes you do weird Haikus that amuse only yourself and then you end up in a padded room laughing to yourself while a team of doctors stands around shaking their heads and your loved ones cry and wonder where everything went wrong. But that’s life, you know? That’s life.
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