We're getting deeper and deeper into our journey through hell and even poor Dante would have hung himself by now. And our trip through the linebackers will likely cause mass weeping and a spike in drain cleaner related deaths so steel yourselves for another installment of the story of those most horrible of beasts, the 2008 Detroit Lions. Let's just get right to it, shall we?
Coming into the season, there was reason to believe that the Lions linebackers would be undersized but quick, susceptible to being gashed up the middle, but capable of flying around, making plays with their speed. Yeah, uh, not so much. Well, the first part was true, these dolts did get slaughtered by anyone who ran right at them, but their athleticism didn't exactly even the score. Instead, they followed the cue provided to them by the wretched defensive line, and laid down their arms and begged for mercy from opponents who were all too willing to laugh in their face and them bayonet them in the balls.
We'll start in the middle, because holy shit, in the land of the feeble and retarded, the middle linebacker position was solidly the mayor of turd town. For starters, the Lions had no middle linebacker. Not really, anyway. The Lions starter at middle linebacker was Paris Lenon, a special teams ace who was best suited for the strong side linebacker spot, and if we are being honest here, a backup strong side linebacker spot. Feeble though their brains may have been, the brain trust in the Lions front office apparently recognized this and drafted Jordan Dizon out of Colorado to fill this hole. But, apparently the water headed dipshits felt the need to prove that they were still the reigning champs when it came to inane decisions, as Dizon was also best suited for the strong side. Sigh.
Of course, it turned out that Dizon wasn't ready to be a competent football player at any position, and so the Lions found themselves once again with Paris Lenon manning the middle. Now, a man named Paris never strikes fear into the heart of his opponents, which I suppose makes him the perfect middle linebacker for the Lions, but it's not like Paris is one of those ironic names given to a guy who is unnaturally vicious. No, Paris is just Paris, and his play at middle linebacker surely made his father, Priam Lenon, weep, as he watched his son get overrun on a weekly basis.(Oooooh, Iliad humor, edgy! Jesus, I'm sorry for that.)
But, since his brother, Hector Lenon(oh for fuck's sake I just can't stop), wasn't available, the Lions had to make due with Paris, which, of course, had predictable results . . . wait for it . . . and that of course was the sacking of Ford Field by the Greek hordes on a weekly basis.(Sigh. Good God, that was awful. Homer's ghost just vomited uncontrollably.) Really though, Lenon is not a bad player to have on your team. He's a good special teams guy, a leader who knows what he's doing, blah, blah, blah, but he's just not good enough, which kind of makes him an ideal Rod Marinelli player.
Even though the middle was predictably tissue soft, the outside still seemed to be talented enough to make some plays. If there was one Lion on the whole team who I felt good about, it was weak side backer Ernie Sims, whose fast, ferocious style, combined with his bizarre love of all things lizard, made him my favorite player on this whole godforsaken team. Of course, Ernie chose 2008 as the season when he would say fuck it, and like the rest of his teammates, wander through each game like they were dazed victims of a bombing, missing arms, ear drums burst, human zombies, half dead wastes. It was awful, and if there was any one player who saddened me this past season it was Ernie. The rest of those assholes just annoyed me, but Ernie broke my heart. Sims, more than any other player, seemed to be the most frustrated with the Lions schematic failures, as week after week he freelanced his way into oblivion, and even though he ended up with a halfway respectable 113 total tackles, I can't really remember one play the whole fucking season when he made something good happen. I mean . . . byuknljd;m,de.
Sorry, I just had to throw some furniture around, but I'm back now. I can't talk about Ernie anymore because my heart, she is shattered. So, I will talk about the strong side now, which doesn't exactly promise to cure what ails me, you know? With Paris Lenon forced to play the middle, and Jordan Dizon dead in a ditch or wherever the fuck he was for most of the season, the Lions were forced to go with whatever warm body showed up at the SLB position. There was the athletic special teams ace(sound familiar?), Alex Lewis, who, uh, let's just say there's a reason he's referred to as a "special teams ace." There was Anthony Cannon, lather, rinse, repeat, and finally there was the guy who held down the job for most of the season, Ryan Nece, a castoff from, where else, Tampa Bay. Nece wasn't horrible, but it's not like the dude was great either. He did have one of only four Lions interceptions on the season, so there is that. He was functional, which is more than you can say for a lot of dudes who went through this house of horrors that was the Lions 2008 defense, but functionality in the midst of sheer chaos is almost a joke, an oh who the hell cares kind of perversity that just underscores how uniformly awful everybody else is. And that depressing bit of bullshit was the highlight for the Lions linebackers in 2008. I don't think anything else needs to be said.
What We Learned: That the road to hell is paved with the bones of Lions linebackers. We learned that Ernie Sims likes to freelance, and that Paris Lenon is completely overmatched at middle linebacker. I am surprised that the Lions didn't beg Chris Spielman to slap on some pads and try not to get as thoroughly buttfucked as our linebackers managed to get on a weekly basis. Hell, Matt Millen was right there. He was a Pro Bowl linebacker, get his worthless ass in some pads and tell him to hit somebody. Surely, that would have been of greater worth to the organization than whatever the fuck it was that shitburger did during his tenure in Detroit. Worst case, he gets hit and his bones shatter in the middle of the field. Big deal. We also learned that Jordan Dizon might be on his way to sorry bust status, and his inability to get into this lineup speaks volumes about how not ready for the NFL he was. But most of all, I think we learned that Homeric jokes, specifically those concerning the Iliad, just aren't funny.
What We Can Expect: Well, like the defensive line, a lot hinges here on what sort of defense Gunther Cunningham decides to run. If it's the 4-3, look for the Lions to find a real middle linebacker somewhere, anywhere, and probably move Lenon to the strong side and let him fight it out with Dizon for the job there. Ideally, you'd like for Dizon to pan out, win the strong side job, unearth someone in the middle, maybe a James Laurinaitis, through the draft, or find a run plugger in free agency, and hope that Ernie Sims rebounds next year. That way you have a pretty good starting linebacker corps with Lenon backing up. Depth would still be a little dicey, but at this point that would be like a starving man bitching because his free sandwich doesn't have his favorite kind of bread.
If the Lions go with a 3-4, they probably are facing an even larger rebuilding project than they already have to face. Suddenly, they would need to find two starting caliber middle linebackers. The outside would probably be okay, as aside from Sims, they could probably use Cliff Avril as a sort of pass rushing DE/OLB hybrid. For what they already have in place, and for what they are likely to get, the Lions are probably better off sticking with the 4-3, at least for this season. Of course, chances are better than good that Dizon won't pan out, Lenon will somehow find himself starting in the middle again and the erosion of Ernie Sims' spirit will continue, and the Lions will find themselves scrambling once again to field a competent corps of linebackers. There are days when I am optimistic, and those are the days when I tell myself that if they find a big run stuffer and a middle linebacker to play behind him, then the defense can be radically better. But then there are days when I remember what every other Lions season has been like, and it all just seems so far away.
What I Said Before the Season: Grade: C, if they play like I expect them to, B- if Sims gets even better and if Dizon does end up emerging as a playmaker on the other side, C- if Dizon is a bust and the Lions lack of size and true playmaking talent becomes apparent.
Final Grade: D. Well, Dizon was a bust, the Lions lack of size and true playmaking talent was apparent, and on top of that Ernie Sims decided to take two steps back. Yay! Hey, at least I didn't mention 0-16 in this post. Oh well, never mind.
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