Thanks Jerry!

Good bye Jon Kitna, you looked like a cancer patient, you threw a lot of interceptions and in your final year you accepted your fate with class and dignity. Oh wait, that's right, no you didn't. You bitched and you moaned, and you basically accused the Lions of being a bunch of weaselly lying motherfuckers, which, okay, fair enough, but damn, your refusal to even make an attempt at civility was just one more ridiculous flaming bag of shit hurled around Ford Field in the Year that God Forgot. We will bury you with your Bible. Godspeed, and thanks for the memories, like the time you threw a pick six to Charles Woodson and just said fuck it and walked off the field, or the time you were sacked and fumbled, or the other time you were sacked and fumbled, or the other time . . . yeah, anyway, let's also not forget your sterling leadership during the darkest hours in Lions franchise history, when you came down to the Lions practice facilities and helped out any way you could, even though you were on IR. Remember that? Wait, you mean that never happened? Well, okay then. Good luck and God bless.

Also, a special shout out to Jerry Jones, who decided to trade for Kitna even though he was going to be released within the next couple of days so the Lions wouldn't have to pay him his roster bonus. Good doing business with you again Jerry. Please, for the love of God, anytime you get the urge to do a deal, give us a call.

Shopping for Used Parts

So, hey, free agency is upon us.

Quick and easy news - no one wants to come to Detroit. The end.

Okay, that's not fair, there are a couple of names going around. Bryant McFadden is reportedly interested, which okay, nothing great, but we need corners like a crack baby needs, well, crack I guess. And since the Lions supposedly tried to trade for Ken Lucas, only for Lucas to get wind of it and say OH JESUS LORD NO FUCK THAT SHIT(I'm guessing on the actual words, but there was probably crying and threats of suicide and general hysterics involved, which well, can't blame the guy, you know?), causing that deal to apparently be off the table, the Lions need to sign somebody - anybody - who can half competently play corner.

Nate Washington is reportedly close to a deal, which would be okay. We need a second receiver, and unless the Lions can kidnap TJ Houshmandzadeh(holy shit, I just tried to get the name in the ballpark and then went and checked the actual spelling and I was right the first time), and hold him at gunpoint for the whole season, we're probably not gonna do much better than Washington.

And then there's Derrick Dockery, a LG who's supposedly interested in signing with the Lions. The Lions need a LG(although to be fair, what don't they need), and if they can shore up a few spots, like LG, the number 2 WR and one of the CB spots before the draft, than hurray I suppose.

In short, nothing earth shattering here, but anyone who is a reasonably competent football player is more than welcome to try to wade through the aftermath of the football holocaust that just occurred along with the rest of us.

Lions Season Review, Part 6: Oh Lord, Why . . .

We're getting deeper and deeper into our journey through hell and even poor Dante would have hung himself by now. And our trip through the linebackers will likely cause mass weeping and a spike in drain cleaner related deaths so steel yourselves for another installment of the story of those most horrible of beasts, the 2008 Detroit Lions. Let's just get right to it, shall we?

Coming into the season, there was reason to believe that the Lions linebackers would be undersized but quick, susceptible to being gashed up the middle, but capable of flying around, making plays with their speed. Yeah, uh, not so much. Well, the first part was true, these dolts did get slaughtered by anyone who ran right at them, but their athleticism didn't exactly even the score. Instead, they followed the cue provided to them by the wretched defensive line, and laid down their arms and begged for mercy from opponents who were all too willing to laugh in their face and them bayonet them in the balls.

We'll start in the middle, because holy shit, in the land of the feeble and retarded, the middle linebacker position was solidly the mayor of turd town. For starters, the Lions had no middle linebacker. Not really, anyway. The Lions starter at middle linebacker was Paris Lenon, a special teams ace who was best suited for the strong side linebacker spot, and if we are being honest here, a backup strong side linebacker spot. Feeble though their brains may have been, the brain trust in the Lions front office apparently recognized this and drafted Jordan Dizon out of Colorado to fill this hole. But, apparently the water headed dipshits felt the need to prove that they were still the reigning champs when it came to inane decisions, as Dizon was also best suited for the strong side. Sigh.

Of course, it turned out that Dizon wasn't ready to be a competent football player at any position, and so the Lions found themselves once again with Paris Lenon manning the middle. Now, a man named Paris never strikes fear into the heart of his opponents, which I suppose makes him the perfect middle linebacker for the Lions, but it's not like Paris is one of those ironic names given to a guy who is unnaturally vicious. No, Paris is just Paris, and his play at middle linebacker surely made his father, Priam Lenon, weep, as he watched his son get overrun on a weekly basis.(Oooooh, Iliad humor, edgy! Jesus, I'm sorry for that.)

But, since his brother, Hector Lenon(oh for fuck's sake I just can't stop), wasn't available, the Lions had to make due with Paris, which, of course, had predictable results . . . wait for it . . . and that of course was the sacking of Ford Field by the Greek hordes on a weekly basis.(Sigh. Good God, that was awful. Homer's ghost just vomited uncontrollably.) Really though, Lenon is not a bad player to have on your team. He's a good special teams guy, a leader who knows what he's doing, blah, blah, blah, but he's just not good enough, which kind of makes him an ideal Rod Marinelli player.

Even though the middle was predictably tissue soft, the outside still seemed to be talented enough to make some plays. If there was one Lion on the whole team who I felt good about, it was weak side backer Ernie Sims, whose fast, ferocious style, combined with his bizarre love of all things lizard, made him my favorite player on this whole godforsaken team. Of course, Ernie chose 2008 as the season when he would say fuck it, and like the rest of his teammates, wander through each game like they were dazed victims of a bombing, missing arms, ear drums burst, human zombies, half dead wastes. It was awful, and if there was any one player who saddened me this past season it was Ernie. The rest of those assholes just annoyed me, but Ernie broke my heart. Sims, more than any other player, seemed to be the most frustrated with the Lions schematic failures, as week after week he freelanced his way into oblivion, and even though he ended up with a halfway respectable 113 total tackles, I can't really remember one play the whole fucking season when he made something good happen. I mean . . . byuknljd;m,de.

Sorry, I just had to throw some furniture around, but I'm back now. I can't talk about Ernie anymore because my heart, she is shattered. So, I will talk about the strong side now, which doesn't exactly promise to cure what ails me, you know? With Paris Lenon forced to play the middle, and Jordan Dizon dead in a ditch or wherever the fuck he was for most of the season, the Lions were forced to go with whatever warm body showed up at the SLB position. There was the athletic special teams ace(sound familiar?), Alex Lewis, who, uh, let's just say there's a reason he's referred to as a "special teams ace." There was Anthony Cannon, lather, rinse, repeat, and finally there was the guy who held down the job for most of the season, Ryan Nece, a castoff from, where else, Tampa Bay. Nece wasn't horrible, but it's not like the dude was great either. He did have one of only four Lions interceptions on the season, so there is that. He was functional, which is more than you can say for a lot of dudes who went through this house of horrors that was the Lions 2008 defense, but functionality in the midst of sheer chaos is almost a joke, an oh who the hell cares kind of perversity that just underscores how uniformly awful everybody else is. And that depressing bit of bullshit was the highlight for the Lions linebackers in 2008. I don't think anything else needs to be said.

What We Learned: That the road to hell is paved with the bones of Lions linebackers. We learned that Ernie Sims likes to freelance, and that Paris Lenon is completely overmatched at middle linebacker. I am surprised that the Lions didn't beg Chris Spielman to slap on some pads and try not to get as thoroughly buttfucked as our linebackers managed to get on a weekly basis. Hell, Matt Millen was right there. He was a Pro Bowl linebacker, get his worthless ass in some pads and tell him to hit somebody. Surely, that would have been of greater worth to the organization than whatever the fuck it was that shitburger did during his tenure in Detroit. Worst case, he gets hit and his bones shatter in the middle of the field. Big deal. We also learned that Jordan Dizon might be on his way to sorry bust status, and his inability to get into this lineup speaks volumes about how not ready for the NFL he was. But most of all, I think we learned that Homeric jokes, specifically those concerning the Iliad, just aren't funny.

What We Can Expect: Well, like the defensive line, a lot hinges here on what sort of defense Gunther Cunningham decides to run. If it's the 4-3, look for the Lions to find a real middle linebacker somewhere, anywhere, and probably move Lenon to the strong side and let him fight it out with Dizon for the job there. Ideally, you'd like for Dizon to pan out, win the strong side job, unearth someone in the middle, maybe a James Laurinaitis, through the draft, or find a run plugger in free agency, and hope that Ernie Sims rebounds next year. That way you have a pretty good starting linebacker corps with Lenon backing up. Depth would still be a little dicey, but at this point that would be like a starving man bitching because his free sandwich doesn't have his favorite kind of bread.

If the Lions go with a 3-4, they probably are facing an even larger rebuilding project than they already have to face. Suddenly, they would need to find two starting caliber middle linebackers. The outside would probably be okay, as aside from Sims, they could probably use Cliff Avril as a sort of pass rushing DE/OLB hybrid. For what they already have in place, and for what they are likely to get, the Lions are probably better off sticking with the 4-3, at least for this season. Of course, chances are better than good that Dizon won't pan out, Lenon will somehow find himself starting in the middle again and the erosion of Ernie Sims' spirit will continue, and the Lions will find themselves scrambling once again to field a competent corps of linebackers. There are days when I am optimistic, and those are the days when I tell myself that if they find a big run stuffer and a middle linebacker to play behind him, then the defense can be radically better. But then there are days when I remember what every other Lions season has been like, and it all just seems so far away.

What I Said Before the Season: Grade: C, if they play like I expect them to, B- if Sims gets even better and if Dizon does end up emerging as a playmaker on the other side, C- if Dizon is a bust and the Lions lack of size and true playmaking talent becomes apparent.

Final Grade: D. Well, Dizon was a bust, the Lions lack of size and true playmaking talent was apparent, and on top of that Ernie Sims decided to take two steps back. Yay! Hey, at least I didn't mention 0-16 in this post. Oh well, never mind.

Lions Season Review, Part 5: We're on the Defense now? Oh Lord . . .

As bad as the offense was, and I think we established that it fell somewhere between bad and having a woodpecker strapped to your dick for five straight months, the defense was much worse. Oh Lord was it ever worse. There are times when you know things are going to be bad, like I did before the season, but nothing can quite prepare you for the horror show that was the Detroit Lions defense in the Year that God Forgot.

There were times during the season when I honestly thought the Lions had both the worst run defense I had ever seen and the worst pass defense. I mean, that is just extraordinary to be able to fail so completely that not a single part of your squad is even remotely working. It was an epic failure, the kind that they later write books about. A hundred years from now kids will be studying what happened in an attempt to discover why it is that a group of men could suffer so completely. Rod Marinelli and Joe Barry will be treated like NAZIS by a disgusted populace horrified by the war crimes they have committed.

I mean, JESUS, this was a bad team in all areas, but the defense, well, I'll do my best to figure this mess out without rampaging through the streets like a werewolf on PCP. As I remember what happened and relive the nightmare of 0-16 I will probably get the shakes so bear with me, this is going to be ugly and miserable as fuck.

We'll start with the defensive line, where following an inconsistent 2007 season the team(read: Rod Marinelli)decided that it would be best if Shaun Rogers took his stripper loving ways out of town. Poor Shaun didn't fit the lunch pail mentality that Marinelli craved and with a bit of power over the personnel decisions after guiding the team to a dazzling 7-9 record, Marinelli decided that talent was a mere trifle, and that from now on his team would be made up of buffoons who were "coachable", which is one of those ambiguously defined clichés that often ends up resulting in disaster. So, sorry Big Shaun, time to go. There are still a lot of Lions fans who feel like Rogers needed to leave because he was lazy, he was unmotivated and he wasn't "coachable". He was also the only dude the Lions had on the defensive line who was capable of making plays, and when you are a team like the Lions, the difference between mediocrity and OH GOD HEAD FOR THE HILLS ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE is precarious at best. The hubris needed to think that the team wouldn't suffer without Shaun Rogers in the middle is ridiculous. It's not like there was a conga line of available talent ready to take over. This isn't USC for fuck's sake.

Of course, now that the malcontent Rogers was safely out of the way the team could get down to business. Unfortunately, the Lions defense seemed to be in the business of making dog shit sandwiches on a weekly basis, and the defensive line had a major hand in making those disgusting sandwiches. It all started the first week of the season when Michael Turner looked like Emmitt Smith, O.J. Simpson and Jesus combined on the way to over 200 yards rushing. Sadly, I was not surprised, as before the season I called for the Lions run defense to be porous at best, apocalyptic at worst, and unfortunately I wasn't wrong. The Lions simply had no one up the middle beyond a couple of journeymen career backups and a wildly overpaid player who had parlayed about half a season's worth of outstanding play into a mega-contract. To expect anything more than what happened was foolish.

And that game was only a harbinger of things to come, most notably against the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Tennessee Titans on Thanksgiving, games which made me wonder if the Lions defense had decided to protest some indignity by collectively shitting their pants for the whole world to see.

Meanwhile, the Lions pass rush, the key to the Tampa 2 defense which I grew to despise - perhaps unfairly, but shit, that's what 0-16 will do to you - was way too inconsistent, and left the team vulnerable to any quarterback with a pulse. The Lions were lit up by just about everyone on their schedule. If Aaron Rodgers played the Lions every week he probably would have thrown for like 6,000 yards and would have been given the first born daughter and a dairy cow by every family in Wisconsin. I will ignore the obvious daughter/dairy cow joke here and move on. The simple fact is this: no matter what the Lions did, no matter who they played, the defensive line failed and most of the time, it failed spectacularly.

Let's start with Cory Redding, he of the monster contract, earned because he moved over from defensive end and started dropping fools left and right in a little more than half a season. You would think a team would want to see a guy replicate that over, you know, at least one full season, but no, the Lions are no ordinary franchise and so they gave Cory Redding a contract which I'm pretty sure includes the rights to Matt Millen's soul. Of course, Redding went out and had a mediocre 2007 and then when 2008 rolled around and Shaun Rogers wasn't there to command any double teams, we all found out that Cory Redding is what he is: an ordinary player who by no means deserves to be paid like he is the second coming of Vlad the Impaler. In 2006, the year that got him that contract, Redding had 8 sacks. The last two years COMBINED he has had 4 sacks. 4 sacks. 4. SOUNDS LIKE AN ALL PRO TO ME.

Of course, we could afford to have Redding under-perform because we had such luminaries as Chuck Darby and Langston Moore ready to line up next to him. Excuse me while I position this shotgun in my mouth so I can still see the screen while I type. I mean, come on. You get rid of Shaun Rogers for Chuck Darby? I know, Shaun was lazy. Shaun was also a Pro Bowl caliber defensive tackle and the only way Darby would ever even get near the Pro Bowl was if he stood outside the stadium with a pair of binoculars and wept before security ran him off.

But he's a high motor guy! A real high quality individual! He's coachable! Who gives a fuck? You can either play or you can't and if you can't, have fun working as a stock broker or a gym teacher or as the town drunk. I don't care. Win or go home. Perhaps this is just me. I was raised on the Pistons Bad Boys teams and I love the 70's Oakland Raiders the 80's Miami Hurricanes and a bunch of other teams that everybody hates. Those are the teams that got it right. They won and didn't worry about all the other bullshit, and that's what someone like Chuck Darby represents to me - all that other bullshit. It's not fair to him, but that's what he meant as a player to me. He represented all the misguided coachable, good man, hard work, clichéd bullshit that constantly swirled around Rod Marinelli and the Detroit Lions this past season.

Darby and Langston Moore and Landon Cohen and whoever else you want to throw in there are all guys who could probably be decent backups in the NFL. But when you're counting on them to serve as the rotation at defensive tackle, well, what happened to the Lions in 2008 is going to happen to you. It's not like there's some grand mystery here. Those guys aren't good enough and everyone knew it coming into the season, and the blame goes directly on the hubris of Rod Marinelli.

The defensive end positions for the Lions are in a little better shape than the putrid mess in the middle. Coming into the season, the Lions were set on the right side of the line with Dewayne White, the one Tampa Bay expatriate who seemed like he could be an impact player. When he played, the Lions were a better team. When he was injured, and didn't play, the Lions were worse. It's that simple, and it was like that for the past two seasons. Last year, White had 6.5 sacks in 14 games. Not great or anything, but better than anything else the Lions could put out there. White gave the Lions a potential impact player who made plays both against the pass and the run. I'm okay with him being the guy there. The Lions can win with him.

On the other side, things were dicey heading into the season. I mean, who would the Lions go with? There was the raw as hell Ikaika Alama-Francis, who everyone thinks has all the talent in the world but was nowhere near ready to contribute on a meaningful level. There was Corey Smith, a player who had flashed some pass rush ability but was pretty one dimensional, best suited to passing downs. There was Jared Devries, a veteran who was long on heart but short on talent. And then there was Cliff Avril, a rookie third round pick out of Purdue. And in the beginning of the season the answer appeared to be . . . nobody. But as the season went on, one player began to emerge. Cliff Avril showed that, with a little seasoning, he could be a dynamite pass rusher. There were times when he looked like the single best player on this woeful defense and gave me hope for the future. Unfortunately, Avril wasn't quite ready or consistent enough to be an every down force that the Lions needed to be able to effectively run their defense and with that fragility, combined with Dewayne White's inability to stay healthy on the other side of the line, the Lions were doomed to failure.

What We Learned: Well, we learned that this team can't stop the run or the pass. Not even a little. And we learned that the loss of Shaun Rogers was much bigger than a lot of people, specifically the coaches, wanted to admit. Without him, the Lions had no one up front capable of making plays. We learned that the ends are talented, but either injury prone or young and raw. Add it all up and you get a defense capable of going 0-16.

What We Can Expect: Here's where it gets interesting. With the coaching change, the Lions will be changing defensive philosophy, and with Gunther Cunningham as defensive coordinator, with the blessing of new head coach Jim Schwartz, it looks like the Lions will attack, attack, attack, which is welcome news as far as I'm concerned. How they will do this remains to be seen. If they employ a standard 4-3, then expect a similar lineup to trot out onto the field next season, plus hopefully a decent addition in the middle, either from the draft or from free agency. This is one position that the Lions absolutely cannot afford to leave unattended. If - and I recognize it's a big if - the Lions finally fill the hole left by Shaun Rogers, they will have a front four of New Guy and Cory Redding flanked by White and a rapidly emerging Cliff Avril, along with Alama-Francis and Corey Smith, which would be a big improvement over the atrocities and war crimes committed by this line in 2008. An attacking style using those ends, with hopefully a big run stuffer up the middle, could potentially produce a line that dare I say it, might even be good. But, the Lions could also shift to a 3-4, in which case they have to find someone to fill the nose tackle spot because that dude ain't on the roster. Redding could conceivably(and very probably would)move to defensive end in this alignment, but beyond that things get tricky. White might not have a place in the 3-4, while Avril would be fine as an outside backer(think Lamarr Woodley)in this setup. But who mans the other end spot? I just don't know. Regardless, I think things should improve here. To be honest, they almost have to, but if things break the right way for the Lions, this could actually be an area that holds its own, a far cry from the hell we all know and wish we didn't remember from this past season. Of course, seeing as how this is the Detroit Lions we're talking about, the team will probably draft a complete bust, White will be found missing both legs sometime in July and Avril will decide to devote himself to the teachings of the Hare Krishna, and will spend next season handing out pamphlets at airports and the Lions will be overrun once again by everyone they face.

What I Said Before the Season: Grade: D+ if everything works out as I expect it to, C- if someone, maybe Francis, turns into a pass rushing threat, and D- if last year was a fluke for White and Redding continues to be mediocre

OVERALL FINAL GRADE: F. The line was a complete disaster for the Lions, and is one of the chief culprits in 0-16. F for fuck this bullshit.

Lions Season Review, Part 4: Yes, the line was Offensive

The offensive line has long been an Achilles Heel for the Lions. I won't say the Achilles Heel, because unlike poor Achilles, the Lions can be, and have been, killed in many different ways by many different teams exploiting many, many different weaknesses. But, it says a lot about the offensive line that every single season begins and ends with Lions fans bemoaning the team's lack of protection up front. With as many problems as this team has it is amazing that one unit can be consistently singled out for being the vanguard of the shit parade that is the Detroit Lions.

It is often tough to quantify the success or lack thereof of offensive linemen. Unlike virtually every other position on the field, there aren't a whole lot of stats that you can just look at and get a quick picture of how a dude might have done. There are a couple though which can be useful in determining whether or not a team's offensive line was able to function well as a whole, or whether they spent the season floundering in the pits of deepest darkest hell.

First off, you can look at the number of sacks given up over the course of a season in order to get a general sense of how well the line protected the quarterback. In the wretched 2008 season, also known as The Year of Unnumbered Tears or The Year that God Forgot, the Lions offensive line gave up 52 sacks, an average of 3.25 a game. In 2007, they gave up 54, or an average of 3.375 a game. Not much difference, really. Both bad - really bad actually, but what they don't tell you is that the Lions at least made an attempt to run the ball more this season in order to prevent this sort of thing from happening. Clearly, this strategy failed and failed rather spectacularly. In addition, noted sack addict John Kitna was MIA for most of the season. Had he remained in the lineup throughout the year, chances are very good that his propensity for hanging onto the ball for too long would have caused that number to climb even further.

In 2005, the last year of the Joey Harrington era, and the last season before Mike Martz took over as offensive coordinator, the Lions gave up 31 sacks, or slightly less than 2 a game. The next year, the team gave up 63. So, clearly, some combination of Martz's system and Kitna's sadomasochism played a large part in the line's inability to protect the quarterback. This past season's horror show, when Kitna was out for most of the season and when the team made a concerted effort to run a more conventional sort of offense that allowed for more max protect sets, the line still gave up almost the same amount of sacks as the year before. The upshot? That the line was fucking terrible this year, just awful, and if there was any justice in these strange and terrible times, they would all be shot into space . Okay, that's not fair. They could just be shot here on Earth instead. I am a fair and practical man after all.

The other side of the protection coin is run blocking. And the one measurement of a line's success in the running game can be found in the yards per carry average of the team's backs. In the Year of Unnumbered Tears that just occurred the line paved the way for a rushing attack that averaged a pedestrian 3.78 yards per carry. Ideally, you want a line that can get you 4 yards or more a carry. That's kind of the magic number and it shouldn't be all the surprising that the Lions fell short of this line. Add into this the fact that the Lions wanted to instill a power, ball control, running game, and the number looks that much worse. The Lions also had the best running back they have had since St. Barry split town on a river of tears, Kevin Smith, and so any boost in that number can be put less on the offensive line and more on Smith.

But was there even a boost over the year before? Let's take a look. In 2007, the Lions averaged 3.975 yards per carry. Wait, so you mean that in 2007, when the Lions running game was basically shit, that it was actually better on a per carry basis than this past season? Startlingly, yes, and excuse me a moment while I reach for this bottle of drain cleaner . . .

All thoughts of suicide aside, it is stunning that a team that openly expressed a desire to run the ball more and with greater success ended up being slightly worse. And, here's another stat that just condemns that whole shit heap we call a line. The Lions only ran the ball 28 more times in 2008 than in 2007, less than two more times per game. If the Lions had any confidence in their line, given their stated desire to run, then run, then run some more, that number would be waaaaaaay up over the year before. So, the Lions pass protection was likely even worse than the debacles of the previous two seasons and the newly reborn running game was markedly worse. JESUS CHRIST. Dudes and lady dudes, I give you the offensive line for the 2008 Detroit Lions.

And with that horror show of stats and woefully unmet expectations out of the way, let's go over the bandits responsible for this gross theft of our collective souls. We'll start on the outside and work our way in, because, well, who cares? Any way we do this it's going to both start and end in utter misery.

At left tackle, also known as the position most responsible for protecting the quarterback's blind side, was franchise mainstay Jeff Backus. Backus has long been a fairly solid player, a little undersized, but solid enough - at least for a Lion. But every year it seems like he gets a little bit worse than the year before, and after the past couple of seasons it feels like he is on the verge of teetering from marginally decent player to outright sieve. There seems to be some chatter that the Lions are still okay with Backus being the left tackle, others say the team might want to take someone like Andre Smith out of Alabama with the first pick. This might be one of those unfortunate positions that the Lions just have to hold on and hope that the incumbent, in this case Backus, doesn't fall completely apart, and in the process unleash all the forces of hell just waiting to drag this team down with them again. I like Backus, I do, but he's not getting any younger, and if his play slips any more, well, behold the pale rider, you know?

On the right side of the line, the Lions started the year with George Foster, who I quickly dubbed Lennie Small, due to the fact that he is a large, large man who I also believe to possibly be retarded. Now my man Lennie is well known for the number of mistakes he makes, and in his first year with the Lions, in 2007, he was responsible for maybe the most false start penalties that I have seen from one player. The future didn't look bright for poor Lennie, and as soon as the Lions first round pick, Gosder Cherilus was ready - or was at least deemed ready by the retarded howler monkeys coaching this team - it was to the bench for Lennie, where he could spend his time dreaming of bunnies instead of having to worry about pesky snap counts and large men trying to kick his sizeable ass on every play. The only problem was it was obvious that Cherilus was a rookie. In a mostly forgettable season, the one thing that he did that stands out over anything else was his cheap shot of Jared Allen against the Vikings, a shot to the knee which caused temporary injury for Allen, and which then caused Jared to charge Cherilus like an escaped vampire ape while Gosder backpedaled his way to safety. Needless to say, it wasn't the best start for young Cherilus, and yet, poor Lennie languished on the bench, and you know what? It was the right thing to do. We know what we're getting with Lennie, a bunch of dumb mistakes and critical fuckups sandwiched around a player who's somewhat talented. It's not like the Lions were going to do better with him in there, so might as well get the young dude some experience, even if that experience threatens to taint him and send him spiraling downward in some sort of post traumatic stress disorder deal. But this is the NFL, and the young dude took the monumental ass whipping that came with being a Detroit Lion in 2008, and now it is time for him to leave that behind and play like the first rounder the team desperately needs him to be.

At guard, the Lions were beset by two problems: first of all, the guards couldn't stay healthy, and second of all, well, it didn't really matter if they did because they are either old or not any good.

Edwin Mulitalo, the team's left guard, has been a very good player in the NFL, a big tough road grader type who excelled at pushing the pile, which is something that is perfect in a division where you are playing against the Williams Boys twice a season. Unfortunately, when the Lions signed Big Ed, they signed a guy who was already on the decline. Past his prime, he couldn't provide the consistent run blocking that they thought he could. A big part of this is because the big guy can't stay healthy and it looks like he'll be trying to stay healthy with another team next season because he won't be with Detroit. And while that may work out if the Lions have someone who can step in for Big Ed, the problem is that, well, they don't. When he was injured the Lions turned to Manny Ramirez, who is little more than a fringe player, plucked off the scrap heap, and while I suppose the dude didn't completely embarrass himself, the thought of him starting a whole season is kind of frightening, like where the hell is that drain cleaner again kind of frightening.

On the right side, the Lions went with Stephen Peterman, a limited player who is essentially just another dude. But he's tough and he's coachable, and Rod Marinelli has wet dreams about those two attributes put together. I don't know how many nights old Rod probably woke up in a sweat, panting and moaning the name of Stephen over and over again while his wife huddled, frightened in the corner. You might laugh, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened at least once. Look, Peterman is probably not a bad backup, but as a starter? No thanks dude. He's a free agent, so he might not be back, but it's not like the Lions have anyone else. And the thought of the Lions going into 2009 with Peterman/random scrub and Ramirez as their starting guards? Here comes that screaming sound again, eh Mr. Zappa?

Anchoring all this mess is the dude who's been here since Matt Millen was installed by the devil as his ambassador in Detroit. Dominic Raiola is an athletic, good player who on the right team would probably get more positive attention. But with that athleticism comes the drawback that he's a little too small to be a real grinder in the run game. Still, he's decent enough, and given what little else the Lions have to work with, Raiola is probably the one guy on the line who year in and year out Lions fans worry the least about. Of course, this past season, what he was best known for was finally losing his shit like Private Pyle and flipping off the fans when their taunting became too much to take. After the incident, Raiola said he didn't regret it and that if he wasn't so scared that the fans would "bring metal" he would have given them his address so they could all settle it like men. And so that's what the season came down to for the Lions veteran center. He was so pissed off that he wanted to fight his own fans, but he was scared that they would show up and shoot him. Dudes and lady dudes, the 2008 Detroit Lions.

Andy McCollum is a tough guy and a veteran who stepped in when Raiola was injured during the season. He played surprisingly well, opening up holes in the run game that Raiola couldn't, and coupled with the addition of Moran Norris at fullback, Kevin Smith utilized these holes during his doomed push towards 1,000 yards. I like McCollum, but he'll be 39 next season, and, well, that pretty much says it all.

What We Learned: That the line SUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKS. Even for a Lions offensive line, this year's edition was horrible, which is appropriate given the overall tone of the season. But it's surprising when you really step back and see how bad these dudes were. We learned that Jeff Backus is hanging on for dear life to his spot as a decent player. We learned that on a good team Gosder Cherilus probably would have been learning in practice instead of during games. Unfortunately, the Lions weren't a good team(he says in a profound understatement), and since my man, poor Lennie Small, has a bit of a problem with the old understanding and thinking, Cherilus was forced to play - let's hope not to his detriment. We learned that the guards are basically scrubs, a problem when your stated goal is to run the ball and then run the ball some more. We learned that Dominic Raiola has fucking had it with all this bullshit and is afraid of being murdered by the fans. It was a long season.

What We Can Expect: To be honest, probably more of the same. The best case scenario is that the Lions draft a decent left tackle and that Cherilus improves enough to give the Lions a solid bookend for years to come. The reality is that they will probably stick with Backus, who will continue to decline bit by bit and that Cherilus will improve but still be beset by mistakes and inconsistency. The interior is pretty much a disaster zone, and with so many other holes to fill it would not surprise me if the Lions plugged in a rotating group of scrubs and has-beens to man the guard positions. Raiola will be the man at center again, and hopefully he doesn't break down weeping on the field. He is in the final year of his contract and maybe that will inspire him to push through the insanity one last time. The line will probably be a little better next year, depending on who the can bring in, but not much, and that's a problem - a big problem, and until the Lions finally figure out how to fix the offensive line, all they'll have are the ghosts of Lomas Brown, Kevin Glover, Mike Utley, and well, Erik Andolsek's actual ghost, to remind them of a time when the line wasn't an utter embarrassment.

What I Said Before the Season: Grade: D if everything works out the way I expect, D+ if Cherilus is somehow not a total spaz, and F if someone gets hurt and we have an Apocalypse Now on our hands.

Final Grade: APOCALYPSE NOW! F.

Lions Season Review, Part 3: Calvin, You're Our Only Hope

Coming into the season, this was the one area of the team that it seemed like we didn't need to worry about, thanks in part to Matt Millen's famous obsession with drafting any receiver who batted his eyes at him, and due in part to the productivity of a couple of shifty slot receivers plucked off the scrap heap. It was a good combination of players who thrived in Mike Martz' free wheeling passing attack, and with Calvin Johnson entering his second season the receiving corps promised to be even better. But. Yes, there's always a but with this team, especially this season, and in this case the but was that the Lions offense was shifting to a power running, ball control offense despite their best offensive talent being lined up on the outside. Go figure.

Once the season started two things became clear: the first was that Calvin Johnson was indeed going to be a superstar, the second was that every other receiver was suddenly less effective than they were a year before.

Let's start with Johnson, because, well, why not? He's the best player on this godforsaken team and the only one who doesn't make me want to camp outside Ford Field with a shotgun and a hatchet. Coming out of college, St. Calvin was the best receiver prospect to come along in years. Naturally, Matt Millen couldn't stay away, and this time it was actually a good thing. Blessed with outstanding size which he could use to outmuscle smaller defensive backs, blistering speed which he could use to not only run away from linebackers and safeties, but also the fastest corners in the league, Johnson also possessed that coveted ability to out jump defenders and win jump balls down the field and in the end zone with his giant hands and terrific hand eye coordination. Of course, as a rookie Johnson had his troubles, but what the hell, so do most receivers. Hope was high. Here was a dude who could do anything he wanted on the field, just a complete freak, and he was ours. And amazingly, he actually lived up to the billing.

Catching 78 balls for 1331 yards and 12 TD's, with an average gain of 17.1 yards, Johnson became the all everything weapon that the Lions can build on. No matter how bad it got, and holy shit did it get bad, at least we had Calvin, and that's something we can take with us into next season. He's still young, he's headed into his third year and the sky's the limit. Sure, he still drops a few too many balls, but fuck it, I'm not gonna complain. That would be like a homeless dude bitching because his new free apartment didn't have air conditioning. The only thing that worries me, and really, I should say terrifies me, is the incredibly likely prospect of CJ getting beaten down by all the misery that comes with being a Detroit Lion and giving up. It's happened before, so it wouldn't shock me to see Calvin just say fuck it and go through the motions until he is traded. There have already been signs of it. There are times when the poor guy's body language looks like Andy Dufresne's in Shawshank. Again, it's happened before. I mean, this is a franchise that drove Barry Sanders to a tearful early retirement because he couldn't put up with all this ridiculous bullshit anymore. We broke one phenom's spirit, why not another?

One need only look at Roy Williams to see how quickly something like this can happen. When Williams was drafted out of Texas a few years ago, the Lions claimed that he was number one on their board of all the players in the draft. And he played like it too. At times, Williams looked utterly dominant and in 2006, he was third in the NFL in receiving yardage with 1310. And then in 2007 his numbers declined just a bit. Everyone was willing to say that he was simply focused on more by opposing defenses, but logically this didn't make much sense, what with young Calvin out there, not to mention free agent pickup Shaun McDonald. If anything, Williams should have been able to get open more often with more threats for the opposing defense to worry about. What everyone should have noticed was that Williams was already starting to get lazy. He started dropping more passes, and his body language began to exhibit trademark symptoms of Lions Disease. Once the 2008 season got under way, it became clear that Roy was a goner, lost to that dreaded disease which has claimed so many. It seemed like every week he would spend the days before the game bitching about the game plan(okay, to be fair, so was I, but still, just go out and play dude), and then come game time he would drop everything thrown his way and then would just say fuck it and coast. By the end of the fifth game of the season, Williams had only caught 17 passes for 232 yards and 1 measly TD. And that's when the trade happened.

Perhaps Williams' most enduring legacy in Detroit will be providing the foundation for the eventual rebuilding of the franchise. His exile brought with it a handful of draft picks that the Lions conned out of Jerry Jones, and with them, maybe, just maybe, the Lions might have found a life raft. Regardless of what happens with those picks, the Roy Williams era ended swiftly and brutally in Detroit, and like many, many other Lions draft picks, he will be remembered as a disappointment and as one more dead body littered on the roadside of Matt Millen's highway to hell.

So, with Williams gone, the other starting receiver job opposite St. Calvin fell upon Shaun McDonald. McDonald came over before the 2007 season as a free agent from St. Louis who was versed in Mike Martz' system. A small slot receiver, McDonald gave the Lions another option to attack the defense, and in 2007 at least, McDonald did his job. He actually led the team with 76 catches, and served as a fairly dependable receiver as the Lions had their best season in the Millen era. Unfortunately for both McDonald and the Lions, he is a capable player in the slot, but when you force him to move outside, well, not so much. McDonald's too small, and he's more shifty than fast, and what's more, on numerous occasions in the 2008 season, McDonald looked like he was afraid to go over the middle, alligator arming an alarming number of balls thrown his way. His final numbers were considerably down from the year before, with 35 catches for 332 yards and 1 TD. This was due in part to the change in offensive philosophy, in part to his playing out of position, and in part to his season being ended by an injury with 4 games left to go. Regardless of the factors, it should be clear that Shaun McDonald, who by the way, not to be mean, kinda looks like a midget troll or something from some Rankin Bass holiday movie on acid, is not going to be a dependable number two receiver for the Lions. Okay, so that was a little mean, but whatever.

But wait, there is another you say. Mike Furrey is a popular player, in large part because he is white and because he has the whole David Eckstein Scrappy Doo bullshit thing going on. Coming over from St. Louis with Mike Martz, Furrey actually spent time as a slow, white safety before Martz saw something and converted him into a slow, white receiver. Don't get me wrong, Furrey is a tough, dependable receiver who even led the team, and was second in the NFL, in receptions with 98 in 2006, his first year with the Lions. But that productivity was due in part to Martz' system, and while that production couldn't be dismissed, no one was under any delusions that Furrey was more than what he was, which was a solid, slot receiver type who could be an ideal number three or four receiver in the NFL. In 2007, Furrey's production slipped some, but this was largely because a good portion of the balls which went in his direction in 2006 were now thrown to Shaun McDonald. When the 2008 season started it seemed clear the Furrey was the fourth man out of four, and that his most productive days were probably already past. Still, when Williams was traded, there was hope that Furrey could replicate some of that production from 2006. Unfortunately, Furrey was hurt and lost for the season not too much later, and besides, he suffered from the same problems that plagued McDonald - too small, and not explosive enough to play anywhere but the slot. Furrey's numbers were ho hum, 18 catches for 181 yards and no scores in half a season's worth of work.

When Furrey went down the Lions turned to John Standeford, a typical Purdue receiver - not all that talented, good hands, comfortable in a multiple receiver set - who didn't do much of anything before coming up with a couple of important catches against the Packers in the last week of the season that almost kept the Lions in the game. Standeford ended up catching 15 passes for 244 yards in about half a season with the Lions. I like Standeford as a fifth receiver type. Anything more is just asking for disaster though. The Lions also brought in Keary Colbert, a retread from Carolina who didn't do anything and who probably won't ever do anything.

The Lions were plagued by both injuries and a general lack of talent at the tight end position. By the end of the season, Michael Gaines had emerged basically by default as the starting tight end. Gaines, who came over from Carolina, is an average player, serviceable enough I suppose, but he's not going to do anything that makes the team any better. Really, the best you can hope for there is that he doesn't fuck anything up too badly and pray that there are other guys on the team who can make plays. Behind him were John Owens, who is basically just a dude, and Casey Fitzsimmons, who has been a project at tight end for what feels like a million years. Fitzsimmons probably has the most talent of the tight ends on the Lions roster, but enough time has passed where it's probably bullshit to say that he is a raw talent or whatever other dumb cliché you want to use. He's been in the league long enough that he should be able to get it done, but in 2008 he was pretty much just a dude, like everyone else at tight end.

What We Learned: That Calvin Johnson is Super Man. He can do whatever he wants, and I just hope that he wants to keep playing as a Detroit Lion. We also learned that, with Mike Martz gone, the other Lions receivers suddenly didn't seem so talented. Roy Williams basically quit, and see ya dude. McDonald and Furrey are decent third and fourth receiver types who, when asked to do too much, will be overmatched, much like the rest of the team. Basically, we learned that the Lions receiving corps as a whole isn't as good as everyone thought it was. We learned that the tight ends are marginal players, and that aside from St. Calvin, this is a group devoid of any real playmakers.

What We Can Expect: Probably more of the same. In an ideal world, I would love it if the Lions added a second receiver to take the heat off of Johnson. But in an ideal world, I would also be the Emperor of Canada and would bankrupt the country hunting Bigfoot. But that is just too weird, and it is just as well, since this is not an ideal world and the Lions have far too many other pressing needs to worry about. What that will likely leave us with is Johnson forced to make plays because no one else is capable, and after that, all we can hope is that McDonald, Furrey, or whoever else is eventually lined up on the other side of the field will be able to make enough catches to keep the ball moving while the other team is quintuple teaming St. Calvin. The best we can probably hope for is for Johnson to continue progressing at an exponential rate until he is the best receiver in the league, while the other players hang on until help can finally arrive. At worst, CJ will give up, the other guys will be overwhelmed and then it is hello shithouse again.

What I Said Before the Season: Grade: B+ if everyone plays like I think they can, but I will knock it down to a B due to the new offense, with the caveat that this unit could take off and be an A- or even an A if Williams and Johnson drop this Transformers shit and play like men.

Overall Final Grade: B-, and that is only because I am in love with St. Calvin. If I am going to be fair, I will separate him from the rest of the trash and give him an A and everyone else a D. Perhaps that is too harsh, but, yeah, let's say it again . . . 0-16.