As hard as it might be to believe, I am by nature an optimist. No, I really am. I bitch and I moan and I howl at the moon but in my heart of hearts I always think that maybe, just maybe, despite absolutely no evidence to the contrary, that everything will work out.
I began this season with the thought that although the Lions would likely still be bad, maybe they would surprise me. I didn't really want to admit this to anyone as the thought is kind of preposterous, but I thought that maybe if they cut down on their turnovers and maybe if the supposedly vaunted coaching caused the defense to rise up and play with some intensity that the Lions might finally build on the progress of the first half of last season. Then I started the season preview.
The deeper I got into the preview the more I felt like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now disappearing further and further into the jungle. The longer I went down that river the more fucked up and insane everything seemed to be, until I finally reached the end and there was Col. Kurtz staring back at me, whispering "The horror...the horror." I could fine no real hope for the Lions season as everywhere I looked there were holes and weakness. But still, I told myself, and only myself, that while the Lions were bad, surely they could beat a Falcons team in Week 1 that was starting a rookie quarterback in his first game, behind an inexperienced line on a team that had been a disaster the year before. Then the game started, and one long touchdown pass to Michael Jenkins later and I knew that there was no hope, that this season was just another epic failure in the making, and that the river I was traveling down towards Col. Kurtz was a river of shit.
It was disheartening to see everything that I was worried about play out in the first game of the season. In my preview I mentioned that I figured the Lions defense would struggle against the run now that Shaun Rogers had been publicly executed, but JESUS CHRIST, I never thought it would be this bad. Michael Turner just DESTROYED the Lions defense today, and the Falcons as a whole rolled up well over 300 yards on the ground while the rookie quarterback, Matt Ryan, was scarily efficient against a secondary that looked just as sad as it always has. From the first touchdown bomb to Leigh Bodden getting abused on the sideline it was clear that the Lions defense couldn't stop the run or the pass. Excuse me while I swallow this bottle of pills and then go dance naked in traffic.
Meanwhile, the offense couldn't really run the ball, which was again something I expected, but what was even worse is that despite their ill fated commitment to running the ball, John Kitna still was under pressure too often and still made too many stupid decisions, the worst of which was an interception early in the third quarter while the Lions were driving to somehow tie a game that they had fallen behind 21-0 in the first quarter. Same old shit, different day.
But there was one bright spot. Calvin Johnson looks like he is well on his way to being an absolute beast of a receiver. If it wasn't for him, things could have been much, much worse, which is really fucking scary considering things were pretty fucking bad as it was. Meanwhile, Roy Williams looks like he is pretty content to just say fuck it and play out the string. Always good when it's still the first game of the season. And shit, already the team has started to mutiny. Jon Kitna spent most of the first half screaming at everyone, his teammates and coaches, all of whom just stood there like castrated little bitches and accepted the abuse of a Jesus freak with an awful haircut and a dumbass Gumpish face. That was followed up by Calvin Johnson basically blowing off his position coach on the sideline, making it obvious that everyone involved in this shit storm has already decided that every man for himself is the only way to go. And, again, it's only Week 1 for fuck's sake. My only hope is that Rod Marinelli will miss next week's game with diaper rash.
The only compelling subplot left now is the fate of poor Rudi Johnson's drawers, and I guess sticking around to see how awful things can really get. Look, I've been through it all before, seen this team become an absolute farce, watched and laughed with my friends, wondering if we would see someone's pants fall down during a play or someone shit his pants in the middle of the field. So I can take it. I'll continue watching in the hopes that the mystery of Rudi's manpanties is solved, and I suppose I can always take perverse pleasure in seeing that Bible thumper Kitna get annihilated week in and week out by a bunch of heathen beasts. Maybe Rod Marinelli will finally admit that he wears a diaper. Who knows? So, despite everything else, there is still intrigue and I will still be here to follow it. I am, after all, an optimist. I just hope that river of shit doesn't drown me.
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