Lions Season Preview Part 1: Just Start Drinking Now

I am going to break this preview up into multiple parts. I originally wanted to just do two sections, one for the offense and one for the defense and special teams, with maybe a third section for the coaches, ownership and general predictions and nonsense about the upcoming season. But that was before I realized I was going to write roughly a billion words, and so I will do one post for each position group over the next couple of days. Ready? Good.

We'll start with the offense, the poor, poor offense. I have been a fan of the Lions for about twenty years now, and during that time I've seen some exciting circuses blow through town, like the Run and Shoot made popular by Mouse Davis, which was successful enough to make Wayne Fontes look barely competent during his time as coach in Detroit, barely being the key word. Even after Mouse took off for greener pastures(to be honest, coaching the inmates at Jackson State Pen would be considered greener pastures), the Lions still favored the spread out attack which often featured a multitude of wide receivers and of course the incomparable Barry Sanders, he of the -1, no gain, 58 yards, -2, no gain, 54 yards stat lines. Really though, in retrospect the offense was held together with shitty chicken wire and the hopes that Barry would break a long one and the quarterback wouldn't fuck up too badly. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but it was usually exciting - as long as they were allowed to play indoors anyway. But then Barry retired, sick of the same shit that the rest of us were sick of, but if we had known what we were in store for, we would have bathed in that shit, thrown it around in the air like stinky confetti and then begged for more. Instead we got Matt Millen, Marty Mornhinweg and the dawn of the Age of Ass. And through all the apocalyptic horrors that have ensued since Millen took over, at least there was a semblance of intrigue and interest when it came to the offensive side of the football. Would this be the year that Joey finally got it together?(No.)Hey! How about that Mike Martz? Look at those wide receivers, ain't they something? Every year it was always something, something to look forward to, something to give us even the slightest bit of hope. Until this year. This year, there is nothing to get excited about, nothing that would suggest that this offense will be anything other than boring, occasionally erratic, and absolutely not up to the task of carrying the team like it needs to.

Quarterback

This has long been a house of horrors for Lions fans, an almost unfathomable shit pile of worthless gimps and simpering pussies. For fuck's sake, the last decent quarterback this franchise had was Bobby Layne. BOBBY LAYNE. That was fifty years ago and he was a drunken degenerate! Ken Stabler, the crown prince of drunken degenerates worshipped Bobby Layne and foolishly tried every day of his life to live up to the example Bobby set. And even then, he was still always in Bobby Layne's shadow in the great Hall of Drunken Degenerate Quarterback Fame. And who is the quarterback now? Jon Kitna, a bible thumping choir boy whose one brush with the long arm of the NFL's law came when he was fined for wearing a baseball cap with a cross on it to a press conference. Kitna is a guy who looks like a cancer patient whenever he takes his helmet off and an AIDS patient whenever he puts the helmet on. He has racked up a ton of yardage over the last couple of seasons but that is largely because he has been asked to throw roughly a billion times in Mike Martz's offense. That will likely not happen this year, what with the Lions newfound dedication to the power running game. During his time in Detroit, he has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns and has come close to being declared legally dead behind the Lions awful pass protection. So, in essence, what we've got here is a man who makes bad decisions, holds the ball too long and can't move around the pocket. What this tells me is that clearly the God worshipping isn't working and that it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to try to resurrect the ghost of Bobby Layne and play each game shitfaced. At least it would be entertaining and would be a hell of a lot more relatable to the fine fans who have suffered over the years with only the bottle to keep them from weeping and setting fire to their televisions.

Behind Kitna, there is Dan Orlovsky, whose primary talent seems to be clinging to a roster spot despite no available evidence that he can play football, and Drew Stanton, a second round pick out of Michigan St. a couple of years ago who has spent his time in the NFL getting hurt and standing around the sidelines in sweatpants. Some people like Stanton. I don't. I watched him plenty of times when he was in college and the reality is that he is a quarterback who can move around a little, is painfully inaccurate and makes bad decisions. SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER TO ME. Besides, he looks like a frat boy, and not even the kind who would be fun to get shitfaced with every once in a while, but the kind who spends the entire time calling you bro and claiming that he could kick your ass until he finally passes out after homoerotically wrestling with one of his other "bros". So, as you can see, both the present and the future of the Lions offense is in good hands.

Grade: C- if Kitna doesn't fuck anything up too badly, D+ if he is the Kitna I expect him to be and F if either Orlovsky or Stanton have to play.

A Lion for the Ages

I am working on the preview, but in the meantime I had to break in with some astounding news.

So, okay, Tatum Bell, the RB recently cut by the Lions for being too shitty for even for a Lion, reportedly stole the luggage from the guy the Lions signed to replace him, Rudi Johnson. Apparently, the story goes that Rudi set down his luggage in the hall outside of Matt Millen's office, and when he went inside, Bell decided fuck it, why not? However, one of those evil, evil security cameras happened to catch the thievery and Bell was quickly identified.

Now, the best part of this story is yet to come. Bell claims that it was all a misunderstanding, and that he thought he was just picking up the luggage for another recently cut player who had asked him to help out. Fair enough. Only, when Johnson got his luggage back he claimed that some cash was missing, and...and...wait for it...wait...UNDERWEAR.

Now, for those of us familiar with the Tatum Bell story, this is where things get interesting. Last year Bell came over from Denver along with George Foster for Dre Bly and proceeded to suck as only a Lions running back can suck. The one thing that he is most remembered for is the time his pants ripped during a game, threatening to show his chocolate ass cheeks to the world. Perhaps the poor lad developed a complex about this and is now thieving underwear at every opportunity. Who knows? The man may just have a problem. Who am I to judge?

There really isn't a more fitting team for this to happen to though, is there? I mean, of course the Lions cut a guy and he ends up robbing his replacement of his man panties. I mean, for fuck's sake, this is the team that has had its premier wide receiver leave after the GM insinuated that he liked the dick, and who drafted a quarterback, and future franchise savior, who ended up being so comically inept and so woefully emo that pictures like the one above became commonplace during his stay in Detroit.

The Lions are like the poor bastard son of Detroit sports, the pathetic little whelp that no one wanted and who was left on our doorstep, and now he goes through life shitting his pants, crying all the time and stealing underwear. His older brothers refuse to acknowledge him, and while they are off winning titles and competing for glory, he is left in the incompetent hands of a senile grandfather and a drunk uncle who just fuck the poor little shit up even worse.

Tatum Bell, you may not be a star, and you may not even be good enough to be considered a medicore football player, but brother you are a Detroit Lion through and through. May you run wild and free in another man's drawers for all eternity.

Welcome to Hell

Why hello there. Welcome to hell, also known as being a fan of the Detroit Lions. My name is Neil and I will be your tour guide during this frightening journey that we will take together, the Virgil to your Dante if you will. It will not be easy, and along the way, there will no doubt be dead bodies left in our wake and drunken ramblings and threats of suicide. I assure you that this is all a normal part of following the Detroit Lions.

This is just a quick introductory post to let you prepare for the journey ahead. You will need wills of steel, balls of iron, and livers of adamantium if you are going to join me at the end of the trek. But fear not gentle friends, for we can only find our true selves once we have stared into the burning fires of our own souls and come February, when this season has come to yet another bitter end, I can promise you that we will all be stronger and better for the experience.

Sometime this week I will put up a comprehensive preview(probably...okay, maybe)of the Lions, but for now, I will attempt to quickly sum up the prospects for the season. I believe I can do this in one word: shit. But, seeing as how I am a gentleman of the finest quality I will elaborate just a bit.

You see, for years the Lions have been a joke, an utter disgrace who have occasionally, during their more putrid times, wandered into the territory of national punchline. Recall if you will the many horrible, horrible Jay Leno jokes during the apocalyptic 2001 season which culminated in Johnny Morton euphorically calling out Leno on national television following the Lions first victory of the season in Week 16. But, that story would have a happy ending, as the following off season would result in the Lions selecting the man who would no doubt save their franchise, the best piano playing quarterback in the NFL, Smilin' Joey Harrington. And as for Morton, his time with the Lions came to a graceful end when Matt Millen, the Lions dynamic and genius General Manager, questioned his sexuality. So, really, everything worked out for the best.

Since then, the "glory years" of first round playoff exits in the 1990's, filled with visions of Barry Sanders dancing around tackles, have faded with each passing year. And with each passing year we have been promised that the franchise has finally begun to turn the corner, that the players the Lions drafted were bona fide stars in the making, franchise players who would finally take us to the promised land. All they needed was time and the right system to get them there. First, it was the West Coast Offense favored by the befuddled Marty Mornhinweg and Steve Mariucci. That failed spectacularly and led to the rise of the insane yet highly regarded Mike Martz and his Greatest Show on Turf system. Things seemed to be looking up, as the Lions had famously accumulated a stable of talented but mercurial receivers who would surely thrive in Martz' freewheeling offense. And they did. Mostly anyway. Roy Williams looked like a stud in the making and even former Arena League sensation Mike Furrey caught enough balls to lead the NFC in receptions. Unfortunately the rest of the team still was terrible and Lions fans everywhere could do nothing but hope that eventually the rest of the Special Olympians populating the Lions roster would catch up to the Lions suddenly vaunted aerial attack.

And then 2007 happened. Improbably, the Lions began the season 6-2, with retread Shaun McDonald and the man who was being held up as the new Christ child himself, Calvin Johnson, added to the receiving mix. Unfortunately, it soon became clear that Mad Marx was so obsessed with the Lions passing attack that the ground game became mired in quicksand and the offensive line wandered around like a bunch of drunk nineteen year olds visiting Windsor for the first time. The result was quarterback John Kitna being declared legally dead after too many sacks and the team imploding in spectacularly devastating fashion over the final eight games of the season, finishing 7-9. The familiar refrains of "OH GOD, THESE GUYS SUCK," and "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIRE MILLEN!" began to rain down again from Lions fans while kindly old Bill Ford sat drooling behind his desk deep within the confines of Ford Field.

And then it happened. Someone was fired alright, someone who clearly was the reason for the team's spectacular meltdown. Matt Millen was finally gone. Okay, no, that didn't happen, except in a dream. The reality was that Mike Martz was shown the door and the Lions announced a newfound dedication to smashmouth football and a power running game despite not having the personnel for that type of attack. Meanwhile the defense remains as stagnant and putrid as ever as the Lions traded away their best defender, Shaun Rogers, in the off season for a draft pick and a cornerback who, as of right now, isn't even a starter on the depth chart. And so it goes. One more year, one more expectation of complete and utter failure. Only this time, there is no irrational niggling of hope trying to burrow its way forward from the back of the brain.

So welcome to hell, we are glad to have you. Let the journey commence.