The favorite in the AFC North is the Steelers, which makes
sense given that they’ve been the dominant team there since the division even
became a thing, give or take a Ravens Super Bowl, and considering that they
have Ben Roethlisberger, LeVeon Bell, Antonio Brown and an offensive line with
one of the best guards in football, David DeCastro and one of the best centers,
Maurkice Pouncey. That’s a hell of a lot to pick against, and yet . . .
I don’t know, dudes and lady dudes. While everyone was busy
paying attention to the offense, the Steelers defense, long not only the
strength but the very identity of the team, decayed into something merely average.
And now that Ryan Shazier, the one dude who was probably holding the whole
thing together, has been Christopher Reeved the defense might collapse
completely. I mean, really, there’s no one else really here anymore.
Still, the Steelers have all that offensive firepower and
the AFC is a fetid butt of a conference, more ass than man really, so they’ll
probably still win a game or two in the playoffs and everyone will still think
they’re good. They’re really not, though.
Ben Roethlisberger is a rapist. That really doesn’t have
anything to do with anything, but it still needed to be said because lol come
on man. Sorry, alleged rapist. I have
to use that word or else end up being sued and having all this *sweeps hand at
the majesty of Armchair Linebacker* taken away from me, and brothers and
sisters, that is 17 cents I can’t afford to lose.
Anyway, everyone conveniently forgets this about Roethlisberger
(or “Big Ben” as the announcers say with dreamy eyes, pawing themselves as they
admire his grandeur) which is kind of insane in these strange and terrible
times when everyone and their grandmother (yes, even yours, especially yours) is a wild-eyed rapist
being hauled before the People’s Tribunal to be castrated and fed to the
howling wolves of justice. This is the magic of time, I suppose. If
Roethlisberger was accused today, he’d never recover. But since it was years
ago, everyone just sort of shrugs and says whatever. This is crazy, but welcome
to America in the Year of Our Lord 2018, baby. You’re in the Jungle, You’re
Gonna Die.
But not if you’re Ben Roethlisberger apparently. And yet,
that kind of psychic trauma is not something so easily hand-waved away. Ben Roethlisberger
is Trash, and that sort of thing always stinks up the neighborhood again. I’m
not saying he’ll be dragged off the field after inexplicably jerkin’ it at midfield
during the anthem (“at least he was standing up!” a proudboi bellows) but at
some point his natural shittyness will reemerge.
There’s also this: Ben Roethlisberger is old now. At least
by athlete terms. He’s played a lot of games, taken a lot of hits, and it’s
never a good sign when a dude publicly considers retirement before deciding “fuck
it, why not” and coming back. You have to question whether his body or his will
can hold up.
Still, the Steelers have all those other dudes. But LeVeon
Bell is a known shithead too. Granted, a lot of that impression is formed by my
own tribal allegiances and I can hear a million Sparties screaming at me now,
but fuck that and fuck you too. Bell comes from “Ben Roethlisberger: The
University” and I will hear no back-talk about this. There is at least a chance
that his native shitheadedness will rise to the fore once again (the dude’s
already been suspended twice for reasons which, uh, I’ll admit I shouldn’t be
throwing stones about, but I am too blinded by tribal animosities and if
someone told me “Uh, you shouldn’t put that in your body or else you won’t get
eleventy million dollars,” I’d probably at least have the willpower to abstain,
or at least sneak someone else’s piss into the test. I mean, come on.)
And then there’s Antonio Brown. I have nothing bad to say
about Antonio Brown. BUT . . . I also think he’s probably had his peak years,
he’s a small dude, and at some point he’s going to start getting injured a lot,
something which may have already started towards the end of last season.
Now obviously all of these things aren’t going to happen at
once. Shit, none of them will probably happen. But if just one of them happens,
it probably hurts the Steelers in a way that they can’t recover from, and it
will become obvious to all that the stench of decay is there. And once that happens,
like gangrene, there’s no stopping it.
The thing is, is that the gangrenous stench of decay is
something of a theme for the entire AFC North – save for one team, which I’ll
get to in a minute. It’s a division of old quarterbacks and old coaches. Three
of the four teams in the division have already obviously long-passed their peak
and the only thing left to decide is which one of them will rot the quickest
and which one will have the foresight to at least hack off a limb to save the
rest of their body.
The Ravens are sort of a mirror of the Steelers. They’ve had
a lot of success following a very specific formula and identity, and like the
Steelers, that identity has been a dominant defense. And like the Steelers,
that dominant defense is no longer really there. Unlike the Steelers, though,
the Ravens don’t have the offensive firepower to compensate. Joe Flacco has declined
the last couple of seasons and the Ravens know it. That’s why they drafted
Lamar Jackson in the first round. The thing is, is that sort of a move pretty
much tells everyone that they know that amputation is coming soon. And when
everyone knows that, it’s kind of hard to get excited about the present. Until
that foot is actually hacked off, you can’t begin to move on.
Still, the Ravens are always capable of rising up and
stealing the division away. There’s still just enough there for one last run. I
don’t think it will happen, but the NFL is weird, and maybe Flacco gets pissed
and makes one last surge, maybe John Harbaugh realizes that he needs to win now
or else he’s probably gone next year, and maybe all of that is enough. I don’t
know.
What I do know is that the Bengals are an even more
dilapidated version of both the Steelers and the Ravens. The biggest difference
is that they never actually won anything. Andy Dalton never quite became
actually good, and is now probably sliding towards actively bad, AJ Green is
old – in football years, he is fast approaching pants-pissing senility, which
is an insane thing to say about a 30 year old, but that is the sad, terrible
world of the NFL. He’s not really an All-Pro anymore. He’s been merely very
good for a few seasons now, and really, he was the best thing the Bengals had
going for them.
I mean, come on, this is a team led by a coach who was all “lol
fuck it, I’m out,” after last season only to change his mind and come back.
That, uh, that’s not good. Marvin Lewis had reached a point where he knew, the Bengals
knew, the fans knew, the media knew, even his fucking dog probably knew, that
he had reached The End. The Bengals had become lifeless and depressing, his half-life
had whittled down and whittled down until it was just a lump of dirt, and if he
didn’t quit on his own, someone was gonna have to take him behind the barn and
introduce him to a shotgun.
I mean, the guy quit! He knew! And for some insane reason,
he changed his mind and they let him do
it. That is not a team that is in a good place or in good hands. This could
get really wretched really fast.
And then there’s the Browns. The fucking Browns. The Browns,
who have a combined record of 4 – 44 over the last three seasons. 4 – 44! Jesus
Christ! Even Lions fans haven’t had to deal with that. You sure know how to
pick ‘em, Dan. (You might not understand that reference, but what’s important
is that I do since I am the center of the universe. Hi, Dan.)
To predict anything other than their customary last-place
finish would be absurd. The sort of thing only a wild-eyed imbecile with ether
on his brain and madness in his heart would do. You already see where I’m going
with this.
The crazy thing is that the fucking Browns are the one team
in this division without that stench of gangrenous decay hanging around them.
They’ve already died and been resurrected. They might just get immediately put
back in the cold, dead earth again, but still.
The Browns actually had a wildly productive offseason,
drafting Baker Mayfield to be their next quarterback, and while a lot of people
don’t like Mayfield, I think he’s just the right kind of asshole. By that I
mean, yes, he’s a contemptible asshole who I’d like to punch in the face, but
he’s the kind of asshole with an unshakable kind of confidence. He’s not Johnny
Manziel, a spiritless wastrel, or Ryan Leaf, a petulant man-baby. He’s a cocky
dick, and whether you like it or not, that is pretty much the job description for
an NFL quarterback. He wants to win, he cares about winning, which is I think
what separates him from your average dickhead.
But even if Mayfield isn’t ready, the Browns did the smart
thing and traded for Tyrod Taylor, who as I said the other day, has always been
kinda underrated. He’s not going to set the Cuyahoga River on fire or anything
(Browns fans will see to that themselves) but he’s not going to shit his pants
while sucking his thumb either. If the Browns are smart enough to integrate his
running ability into the offense, he might actually even be . . . good? I know,
I know, I’m getting ridiculous.
But the Browns also traded for Jarvis Landry, who gives either
Taylor or Mayfield a legit receiving option, and if Josh Gordon can escape from
the opium den long enough to avoid getting suspended again, the Browns might
actually find themselves with one of the best pairs of receivers in the league.
They also traded for Carlos Hyde, who can be their
every-down back, and after drafting in the top five every year since the
Coolidge administration, they have a lot of young talent who should be ready to
emerge.
Now I admit that this is a lot of “what if” and I mean, come
on, it’s the fucking Browns. There is a 99.9% chance this all falls apart in
hilarious fashion. But I’m the same dude who dutifully buys a lottery ticket
every week and secretly believes he’ll be richer than the Pope and married to
Alexandra Daddario one day. I am a dude who irrationally believes in the
possibility of the .1% while scorning the surety of the 99.9%. In short, I am a
dumbass dreamer drawn to lost causes. I mean, I am a Lions fan after all. So
there’s that part of me that screams “Why not the Browns?” because I can
imprint my own native optimism onto them. They are a blank canvas, capable of
holding the most beautiful art that’s ever been if only someone will paint the
damn thing.
So what the hell am I saying here? To be honest, I don’t
really know. I’m not going to predict that the Browns will win the division or
anything because I’m also a coward. What I am saying, I suppose, is that the
Browns are the only team in the division with Hope, and Hope is a powerful
thing, a necessary thing. Without it, there is only decay, there is only what
is already known, and in a world where 99.9% of us are born to be losers, what
is already known is fucking depressing. Hope is all there is.
Steelers Best Case
Scenario: Everyone on offense stays on the field, and someone steps up on
defense to replace Ryan Shazier. They win the division, take advantage of a
Patriots collapse and subsequent vacuum in the AFC and find themselves in the
Super Bowl. Roethlisberger doesn’t rape anyone.
Steelers Worst Case
Scenario: Roethlisberger finally gets Me Tooed, Bell gets suspended yet
again, Antonio Brown begins to turn into dust, the defense continues to decline
and the Steelers are humbled by the fucking Browns. Roethlisberger is caught
with his finger in a cat’s asshole.
Steelers Final Judgment:
The world is bullshit, and in it, dudes like Roethlisberger are hard to
bring down. He’ll continue being “Big Ben” to adoring media members, throw for
4,500 yards and the Steelers will win the division almost by default. They’ll
win one game in the playoffs and then lose to the Patriots. Roethlisberger will
finger cats at will and no one will stop him. This world sucks.
Ravens Best Case Scenario:
The looming threat of amputation forces Flacco and Harbaugh to get their
shit together for one last run, which is extended when Lamar Jackson turns out
to be The Truth. The defense rises yet again, and Ray Lewis decides to become a
vigilante and stabs Ben Roethlisberger in the dick.
Ravens Worst Case Scenario:
Flacco says fuck it and packs it in, Jackson isn’t ready, Harbaugh sees the
writing on the wall and starts looking for his next job and the Ravens finally
revert to their original form: the Browns. Meanwhile, Ray Rice returns like a
horror movie villain and knocks women out and then Roethlisberger rapes them. lol
the NFL is so fucked up and terrible.
Ravens Final
Judgment: Mediocrity. Flacco is Flacco, which isn’t enough. Harbaugh starts
looking for his next job, and Ray Rice is elected President in 2020 on the “punch
‘em in the pussy” ticket. Roethlisberger molests Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Bengals Best Case Scenario:
Lewis changes his mind and quits again before the season starts. Seriously,
that’s their best-case scenario.
Bengals Worst Case
Scenario: The Bengals and Marvin Lewis meld into a singularity of worn-out
failure and despair. Ben Roethlisberger is caught peeping on nude fish in the
Ohio River.
Bengals Final
Judgment: The Bengals and Marvin Lewis meld into a singularity of worn-out
failure and despair. Ben Roethlisberger is caught peeping on nude fish in the
Ohio River.
Browns Best Case Scenario:
Mayfield is ready right away and he’s the next Bret Favre. Gordon comes
back better than ever, with Landry the league’s best number two receiver, the
rest of the young weapons develop, and the Browns figure out how to use Jabrill
Peppers on defense. Ben Roethlisberger is lowered into the burning Cuyahoga
like Arnold at the end of T2.
Browns Worst Case Scenario:
Mayfield is Manziel, Tyrod Taylor is forced to be a pocket passer by dumbass
coaches, and the Browns keep on Browning. The Cuyahoga burns forever and
Roethlisberger survives the fires of the Cuyahoga and infects Lake Erie and
then the rest of the Great Lakes.
Browns Final
Judgment: They don’t go worst to first or anything but they’ll show obvious
improvement and shock everyone by finishing second in the division, just
missing a Wild Card. Mayfield will be ready sooner rather than later and I’ll
stop Roethlisberger before he can cross the border, imprisoning him in my
dungeon. Dan will panic and try to erase any association with me.
Final Judgment:
1. Steelers 10-6
2. Browns 9-7
3. Ravens 7-9
4. Bengals 4-12
