Well, I’m out of time, I’m out of excuses beyond being filled with pills and indefensible choices, but they were mine to make which would put me near the rear of this POWER LIST of playoff QBs for inability to complete the task, but fuck all that because you know who you hate and who you love and you just want me to say wise words about it or words that make you laugh or words that don’t make any fucking sense until I make them make sense which is kinda what we do here and anyway…some qb’s may already be blown out or had a rocket stuck up their ass but because I am doing this in real time it will work, sorta….wins and losses are for cops anyway.
14. Washington Peckerwood
I had an insane paragraph typed here that was unreadable even by my standards as I chased the drug addled pixies in my mind. So, I’m starting over much like the Washington boys were forced to start over with some no-name loser who bowed his head and then that head got skull-fucked by a Brady led operation and you’ll never hear his name again. I don’t even know what happened to Alex Smith, who has been used and abused through the years by various Harbaughs and Mahomes pushers, I assume it has something to do with his knee which was taken by God last year in one of those hideous OH FUCK THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW THAT ON TV injuries that Washington fans are all too familiar with thanks to the death of Joe Theismann which remains the go-to comparison for injuries such as these.
And then Dwayne Haskins must have gotten injured while getting tattooed with Satan’s (non-Aaron Rodgers portrayal) Ohio St. access code to all the illicit money and drugs and whooooooores that go into creating a Football Carcosa. I really don’t know what happened to him and don’t care. All I know is Washington didn’t have a fucking quarterback in the year that they didn’t have a name in the season in which they represented the NFC East with a losing record. It all fits.
13. Mitchell Trubisky
The Bears backed into the playoffs, much like the No Names of Washington, but they at least had a quarterback, but they might as well not have as Mitchell Trubisky took his place as the latest Bears failure at QB. I had these two pegged at 14/13 before last week’s games, and it was nice of the football gods to confirm it.
Trubisky is a false jewel, dug up in desperate times by desperate men, who scratched and pawed at its supposed beauty until it just wore away and revealed a turd and no lady, or man I guess, wants to wear turd jewelry. But that’s what the Bears were stuck with, turd jewelry. They tried to wear a ring that looked good a few years ago, but that one played better in Philly streets, and so they wore their turd to the playoffs and were laughed at and kicked around, which is what happens in high stakes fashion games. You literally get the shit beaten out of you, which is how you end up with turd jewelry. Don’t blame me, I just write about this stuff, football and high fashion. Tom and Gisele.
But this is such a common theme with the Bears that it is almost as if they are cursed in similar ways to the beloved Lions. I won’t say it’s the same because, come on, but the Bears inability to roll out a human quarterback worthy of applause and acclaim, like at all, is fairly infamous by now. A look at their history at the position is fucking horrifying, and depressing and everything else that goes into being a cursed football fan. Their top dude is probably, who? Sid Luckman? That fucker has been dead for more than twenty years and barely played during the time of the forward pass. Aside from him, it’s… who? Jay Cutler??? Maybe. That is the kind of spiritual soul rot that the Bears have going on here. Let’s pause for a moment of prayer. Nah, fuck them.
12. Jared Goff
The Rams have won in spite of Goff, and even their win over the Seahawks showed that to be true as Goff was a shitty 9 of 19 for 155 yards. He didn’t turn the ball over, which helped, certainly, but he and his fucked up thumb weren’t doing anything for anybody that an average jackoff couldn’t do.
And that’s kind of been the tale for Jared Goff all along. He’s never really played up to his high draft pick status or done anything that would make the Rams superpowered, which they would/could be if they had the right triggerman. But they are stuck with Goff, who isn’t so assy that he drags them down or anything, but he doesn’t raise them up any either. I guess maybe he is starting to slide to that assy side with the dragging down and whatnot. It doesn’t help that his thumb is fucked up right now. I give him credit for popping that thing back in right there on the field, which gave Troy Aikman a boner, but Troy Aikman gets a lot of boners when watching men do things with their hands.
The sad reality is that LA is a city that needs a lightning bolt of a personality or talent to get the local coyote population excited for their football, and Jared Goff ain’t either of those things. The Rams win thanks to their defense and their offensive play calling, and are starting to be hindered by a lack of a real Dude who can translate that play calling into something that gets the ladies shrieking like Mike doing the moonwalk back in ’84. Yes, that’s how old I am and how weird Hollywood is, Michael Jackson was once a being of sexual energy attractive to ladies and not young boys or aliens. But Hollywood and LA kills everybody and everything and that’s what’s gonna end up happening to Jared Goff. It’s just a shame he never got to moonwalk even once.
11. Ryan Tannehill
I might have Tannehill too high, but he was certainly a better QB than Goff for this season, and it wasn’t really his fault the Titans couldn’t take down the Ravens again. It’s kind of a surprise landing for Tannehill who washed out in Miami, but walked away with Marcus Mariota’s job in Tennessee. He isn’t the reason for the Titans success, much like Goff in LA, but he put up pretty stellar numbers nonetheless, with 33TD’s against only 7 INT’s and almost 4,000 yards passing and a couple hundred rushing which is a real thing these days.
He doesn’t seem like a franchise guy, but Tennessee doesn’t seem like the team to beat every year, and yet every year, here they are. Sure, they got bounced early this time, but that is just because the AFC is so goddamn tough this year. Remember, Tannehill also lost his LT Taylor Lewan, which I thought would be a death blow for the Titans just good enough offense, but no, they rallied through it and you have to give some props to Tannehill for that, right?
Tennessee, of course, still whispers their prayers to Steve McNair, who tragically died at only 36 years old after establishing himself as the King Spirit Warrior in the Tennessee football legend books, which let’s not forget were stolen from a Houston crackhouse haunted by Warren Moon. But Tennessee has not had any luck post-McNair. They tried to replicate him with Vince Young who turned out to be a burning angel who melted into hell within a couple of years, and after that it was just sucking dick at truck stops and hoping for a ride home, but maybe Tannehill can step in and give them something to be proud of again. It’s a land of losers, these Confederate loving Trump swilling pieces of shit, but even losers need someone to pray to at night, and it might as well be a harmless football player and not a dude in white robes.
10. Philip Rivers
Poor Phil Rivers has never been able to make serious inroads when it comes to being a Real Deal NFL QB GOD. Instead, he’s had a really good career with not a lot of meaning to it, sort of like Dan Marino or, *gulp*, Matthew Stafford. But shit, even Marino made it to a Super Bowl. Let’s not talk about Stafford. Rivers, though, jumped ship from the Chargers – or, rather, they kicked his old ass out the door – to the Colts, and he mind-melded with Frank Reich well enough to get into the playoffs in a year in which that really meant something in the AFC.
But Rivers is never gonna be the dude to transcend the game for you and lead you on a Spirit Walk to the Good Place. He’s just gonna do his goddamn job, pout a bit, not make friends with anyone, and go home a rich but empty man. That is the sad fate of this dude. Is it sad? That all depends on what you value in life. If you want the glory of championships and being the best of yourself and Spirit Warrioring into Valhahalla, then yeah, it’s pretty sad. But if you just want to get rich at the dealership and come home and have a few beers before bed with the paint by numbers wife and not have to give a fuck about anything? Maybe it’s an okay fate for that guy. But that’s who Phil Rivers is, and that’s what he’ll give you.
To be honest, the Colts kind of had the King of that kind of dude in Peyton Manning, but Manning was good enough at selling SUV’s and trucks that he managed to crack that bigger panorama of life’s meaning. Not enough to be comfortable in it, but enough to at least taste the Dreams of Victory, to hear the laughter of the gods in Valhalla. Manning was always Rivers’ sensei in a sense (ay) showing him what could be even with a rotted soul if you just had enough tools and talent to overcome it, but sadly, Rivers rotted soul cannot be powered up like Manning’s, and he is left to wander the afterlife with the doors of Valhalla closed to him forever.
9. Ben Roethlisberger
Even before the Steelers lost, this seemed kind of low for this shithead, but you have to remember,
1. He’s a rapist.
I shouldn’t need to go on but even in today’s woke society, somehow Ben Roethlisberger has escaped his past as a rapist. This doesn’t mean he couldn’t be a good NFL QB, but… well, there are limitations to your leadership skills when it comes to light that you have raped. That’s gonna get in the way of anything else anyone has to say about this shit.
Some people get mad at me when I call these dudes out for being rapists, but what the fuck kind of coward excuses that shit? Sure, he’s won a Super Bowl and is adored by the media somehow but none of that matters when you have a raped lady or two in the closet.
I mean, the NFL even suspended him for this shit, which is a bit ridiculous, that the NFL takes more action than the rest of society, but that opens the door for the whole Rape Culture conversation that we don’t need to have here because we’ve been having it everywhere for the last decade.
But that just highlights how insane it is that this jackoff gets a free pass from everybody even though he has multiple bullet wounds so to speak. So everything else when it comes to him is something that I never really talk about because it exists in protest. I don’t care what he’s done on the field because he is a super sex predator off of it, using his stature as a celebrity to take what he wants like a barbarian. Fuck this dude, and fuck talking about his quarterbacking.
8. Baker Mayfield
This feels way too high up on the list, but I still did it even before the Browns took down the Steelers. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t let go of this dude. The Stabler feelings are real I think, and a thing about Stabler isn’t just the drinking and fucking and freaking, but the fact that he was a legit winning NFL QB, the triggerman for those Raiders teams who went toe to toe with the Steelers and Cowboys for All Time Legend Status back when free agency was a myth and teams stacked talent to create Voltrons of NFL madness.
Stabler was one of the QB’s for one of those monstrosities and that means that dude could play some fucking ball. So, throw out all your other wacky Stabler children, your Minshews and your Fitzpatricks, because they miss the Killer Cobra Kai thing that Stabler had going on. But Mayfield has it. And this year it really came out. Even if he wasn’t THE guy for the Browns offense, which was run heavy with Kareem Hunt and Nick Chubb, Mayfield still had to bring the Stabler Snake to the party, and he did, finally tossing 3 TDs into the night and blowing the Rapist off the field.
So, I feel validated by what went down last week, but I feel even better because I’ve been cooking this with this kid all along. I love it when a Spirit Warrior comes together a la The Great Willie Young, and while I’m obviously not there with Mayfield, I am pleased that he has taken the Stabler torch that I lit for him.
And its especially sweet for Browns fans, who have known nothing but defeat and agony these many years, especially these neo Browns, born in the shitter of Ravens football as they gassed out of town. But even before then, Browns fans were left with the histrionics of trying to breathe life into Bernie Kosar as a Franchise Guy, and while they loved sweet, dumb Bernie, they haven’t had Hope like this since they last set their river on fire. Maybe Baker Mayfield is what we all needed all along, all of us.
7. Drew Brees
I have a lot of the same feelings towards Drew Brees that I do towards Roethlisberger, but at least Brees never raped anyone. He’s just a rightwing shithead with Bad Ideas like Torture is Good, and yet, he has managed an uneasy alliance with the many spirits of New Orleans to be a Hall of Fame caliber QB. AND YET, I still maintain that it is his Falseness that has kept the Saints from winning more than one Super Bowl.
But you can’t deny that Brees has been to the Promised Land and you can’t deny that he was probably THE key to opening the door to that land of milk and honey for Saints fans. I just don’t like the dude, and so I don’t think I’m gonna write any more about him. That okay with you? Because it fucking better be.
6. Josh Allen
Listen, we’re at a point no where it’s WAR DOG vs WAR DOG and nobody knows who really has the biggest bite. Josh Allen has never been here before. He has no plaudits to fall back upon. I can’t reach into some ethereal realm and pull his Spirit Warrior card. All I can do is tell you that he might be the NFL MVP this year, which is wild considering he seemed like a stinker from the moment he was drafted after a nondescript college career at Wyoming. It was widely known that this was a dude who would have a ton of shit chipped away before you got to the diamond. And, let’s face it, no one thought that would happen in fucking Buffalo.
But here we are, after a season in which Josh Allen has thrown for over 4,500 yards with 37 TDs, oh and over 400 yards rushing and 8 more TDs. All credit to Brian Daboll, the Bills OC and QB guru and also to Sean McDermott, the head coach behind this whole thing. They’ve done a remarkable thing in Buffalo, turning that shit down town into a legit contender and Josh Allen into the QB they’ve been lusting for since Jim Kelly left to get his face eaten by sin (or cancer).
But Josh Allen above all has to be given the most credit, right? Here is a dude who worked his ass off from frozen Wyoming to frozen Buffalo to become a Real For True QB Jedi Hero, like Luke Skywalker. I won’t delve too deeply into the nerd talk because, honestly, it’s cliché and nobody needs to hear or read the word womprats more than they already have. But shit, Josh Allen has managed to work himself into pop culture trash like that, coming out of nowhere like Luke….
Anyway, the point is that this is a rare thing for Buffalo, whose people brave the snow and cold year after year in the hopes that the football gods will finally look kindly upon them. It has been a wild journey, with OJ’s and all those Super Bowls lost in a row like that, and now they have another gift from the football gods. Hopefully, this one doesn’t stab a white woman or run into Jimmy Johnson.
5. Lamar Jackson
I mean, the guy has kind of redefined the position, which is some real shit to have in your back pocket. He’s a good enough QB just by regular metrics, but when you incorporate his running game into the mix you’ve suddenly got a one man band on offense. The Ravens are far from that, thanks to a stable of running backs and just enough receivers to get by with. But it doesn’t work without Lamar Jackson in the middle of it all.
Back to back 1,000 yard RUSHING seasons aren’t supposed to happen even if you do have a new age Randall Cunningham. But Jackson has done that, and done it while fighting off the COVID monster the whole time. This is a dude who has conquered the NFL and the nasty ass virus chasing us all down. He won’t win the MVP again this season, but shit, that’s pretty much because he can’t do anything more than he already has. Except win in the playoffs.
The Ravens got caught last year and almost did again this year, but Tennessee is nothin’ to fuck with, and I think that Lamar has been to war now enough to be battle hardened for whatever comes next. Don’t forget, the spine of this team is a Super Bowl winner, with John Harbaugh calling the shots, and so Lamar Jackson has a real chance to transform this whole fucking league into a dance party gone insane.
It’s a big step up from the Flacco blues for Ravens fans, who maybe have ancient DNA of Johnny Unitas still floating around in their brains, and so its good for them to get back to that sort of transcendent play from their QB. The Big Spirit Bowl will be when the Ravens and Browns party down, but the brackets don’t play nice for that this year, so that will have to wait. But its coming.
4. Patrick Mahomes
This is where shit gets crunched by what’s already happened. IF I were power ranking these dudes as it goes, things would change, BUT this was supposed to be a snapshot before the playoffs started and it just got all fucked up by me being me.
So, imagine we’re going into the playoffs and Russell didn’t get chased out by the Rams yet. Yeah, I had/have(this is Back to the Future kind of weird shit now) Russell Wilson ranked ahead of Mahomes. And, you know what? I still stand by that, that’s how much I like Russell Wilson.
But this isn’t about him. It’s about Mahomes. Maybe we take Mahomes for granted now. I don’t know. Dude just puts up monster numbers and doesn’t even need to dust off his coat. It’s ridiculous that I don’t have him ranked number one. I get that even as I write about this shit. But that’s how ridiculously stacked the QB room is now in the NFL, not just for the moment, but historically speaking.
I mean, we’re in a time where we could be watching the greatest QB’s of all time throw down with each other for the title. Sure, these things have to be put in perspective. I remember when the argument was about John Elway vs Bret Favre, but I don’t think I’m being too hyperbolic when I say that this is the best of the best times for QB’s and QB lovers. And Mahomes might end up being the best of the best when it’s all said and done.
But it isn’t yet, and while he has a title on his side and numbers amazin’, he’s still chasing the Spirit Warrior Power of the dudes in front of him. When the heavens fall and the final battle comes, the fights we’ll see will be glorious, and this is what Mahomes is just tapping into now. He’s in the fight, the heavens are opened, but this is a war of the football GODS AND DEVILS.
3. Russell Wilson
Okay, so this is where I probably fucked up, but Seahawks early exit aside, I can’t be too down on Russell Wilson. I mean, swap him out with any other QB in any other situation and I think you’re gonna want to ride on the side that Russell Wilson lands at. Or usually does, anyway. See, this is where the whole “Neil fucks it up and writes after the fact” gets us in trouble.
Russell Wilson is a mortal man. That is all that game proved. But he is also a dude who is still putting up sick numbers in Seattle, and he’s not declining. If anything, he is just getting better. You could say he set the prototype for Lamar Jackson, but the reality is these dudes at this level are so unique that each one has to be appreciated on his own terms.
But Russell has touched it all. He’s proven he can throw for a billion yards if need be, the standard QB metric. And he’s proven that he can run the ball for you. He’s never hit 1,000 yards, but he’s never been used that way either. He could if they Baltimored it up for him. But he’s also proven that he is a winner, taking the Seahawks to Super Bowl glory. He should have had back to back Super Bowls, but we’ll blame that on Pete Carroll.
Of course, he has done all this while upgrading his wife game, ditching his ride or die for a fuck Olympics with the beautiful Ciara. I don’t know or care which way you fall on this. He is either a dog who left his true love for that scandalous celebrity lifestyle. Or he is a dude who found his level in the cosmos, leaving behind the leeches and taking his talents and penis to the disco room. I don’t know the dude or his problems. Let the adults fuck who they want.
All that is to say that Russell Wilson has been thoroughly examined by the central scrutinizer and has still come out of it a dude who you want with the ball in his hand with two minutes left on the clock. Take away all the sex and possible Poor Choices and understand that there is a Spirit Warrior in there.
2. Aaron Rodgers
I have written so much about The Devil through the years that I feel he is a part of me. But you all knew I rode with the devil, it’s just that this particular devil is a nightmare that never ends. And that is because Aaron Rodgers is so goddamn good.
Last year, the Packers used their first round draft pick on a QB and the walls shook. After all, that is exactly what they did to Brett Favre when they drafted Rodgers those many years ago. Everyone started to wonder if maybe the Packers were dipping back into hell for another demon summoning. And maybe that will come to pass, but The Devil isn’t anywhere near done. His numbers are just sick. He completed 70.7% of his passes this year. I mean… fuck. How do you beat that?
48 TD’s followed and a hellscape of yardage, and Aaron Rodgers doesn’t need to be selling insurance on the side, he’s just that evil.
1. Tom Brady
As if I could pick anyone else to close out this insane novella. I mean, the rings speak for themselves. But this is his excursion year, stepping away from the coziness of New England for the adventures of Tampa Bay. And he is still Tom Brady. Still throwing 40 TD’s and 4,000 yards. This is a rental, but fuck, it could end up being the best vacation ever.
Gisele and the boys are up north, cuddled in after a Christmas that saw them each get to name their own slave. Uncle Klaus sent many presents, each wrapped in the skin of a young Brazilian boy.
But Tom was left on his own this year, and he mostly dominated, a sociopath set loose on new ground, with new toys to play with. The dude is 43 and he is still doing this, both because he can and because he must, to fill some unfillable hole inside of himself. He will be winning as they zip up his body bag, his eyes still peering out past midnight.
I don’t know where he goes after this. He doesn’t know. But he is not falling apart or retiring gracefully for anyone. He is gonna put himself out there and just be Tom Brady until something won’t let that function operate. He might be a Terminator. We don’t know.
And that’s why he is always number one. It’s not even up for debate. It’s his game and then everybody else. 1…………………………..234, you get the point.
I ask if he’s the Terminator. I remember him as Tom Brady, my Michigan QB storming back to beat Alabama in the Orange Bowl. And he never stopped storming, winning everything, taking everything, becoming everything that is Tom Brady. He is The Judge.
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