Willie's Ark

 [Quick note: for those of you unfamiliar with The Great Willie Young, it all began after he was drafted and I needed something interesting to say about him. His spirit overtook me and the results can be found here and/or here.)

Today’s tale of The Great Willie Young comes down to us through recently discovered scrolls in a cave in what is now Iraq. Believed to predate the ancient Sumerian culture, the find is startling as it both dates from a time when writing had not yet been invented, and seems to be the root source for the legendary Epic of Gilgamesh, which was previously believed to be the source for the famous story of Noah’s Ark.

Carbon dating reveals these scrolls to be at least 8,000 years old, and perhaps even more stunning, there are indications from whoever wrote the scrolls that they themselves are merely retellings of an even more ancient legend. Needless to say, these scrolls throw the entirety of human history into question and there are already efforts by many historians and archaeologists to discredit them, largely because they challenge the orthodoxy. As usual, The Man is trying to keep The Great Willie Young down. But, as always, in the end The Truth and The Great Willie Young will prevail. Just as he did thousands and thousands of years ago in a land far, far away . . .

The universal traveler and Lord of Space and Time, The Great Willie Young, was fishing one day in the Sea of Plenty, a great water set in the earth for man by the gods. This sea was abundant with fish, and day after day The Great Willie Young could be found in his fishin’ boat [a translated colloquialism] bringing in game great and small, much of which he threw back, but some of which he brought to shore to feed both his growing family and a grateful populace. It was even said that occasionally The Great Willie Young would somehow divide the fish as well as loaves of bread made by one of his ol’ ladies when there did not seem to be enough.

On this day, however, The Great Willie Young was catching an abundance of fish. He was struggling with what he later termed as “the biggest motherfuckin’ swordfish I ever seen” when a flash of brilliant light overtook him and he found himself spirit walking in the Great Unknown. Of course, this would be an event that would trigger panic and awe in most beings, but The Great Willie Young, being half god himself, had spirit walked many times and although he was mildly annoyed at having been interrupted from his swordfish pursuit he was overjoyed to find himself in the presence of his father, the Cheetah God.

“My son,” the Cheetah God began, purring as The Great Willie Young scruffled his neck and under his chin, “I come to you with grave tidings.”

“Father,” The Great Willie Young responded with reverence.

“The world has become wicked. You see how man turns on one another, Discoursing in vain, a broken people bent on spiritual annihilation and trolling. Men and women frolicking in Spring Break hotel rooms, some of them without consent – allegedly – turning the Sea of Plenty into an Ocean of Cum and Despair.”

The Great Willie Young nodded gravely. He had seen it. And although he ministered to the people when he could, it was in vain. They spurned him, scorned him. A lawyer named Fink even abused him on Twitter [as far as we can tell, this was an ancient form of communication which mostly saw people sending crude etchings of penises along with simple text like “lol owned”] and The Great Willie Young couldn’t deny that the people had grown rude and coarse.

“Therefore, my son, the gods have decreed that a great rain shall be sent to eliminate all the evil that roams the earth.”

“My father,” The Great Willie Young began, despairing for the people. He understood the evil but felt that this was going a little too far.

The Cheetah God shook his head and then hissed as a bird flew by. After chasing the bird for a while, the Cheetah God returned and told his son “You, and you alone shall be saved. Taketh your family and two of every beast that roams the land and soars in the sky into a great Ark which you shall build.”

The Great Willie Young took a deep breath and then slowly exhaled. This was gonna be hard. After all, The Great Willie Young’s family was massive. He had fathered many sons and daughters over the years by many Baby Mamas. He had never taken a blood test, but he always did the right thing and at least sent a card on birthdays and a few bucks whenever he could. He shuddered at the thought of all those Baby Mamas together in one place, locked in a boat together.

“Even Tenisha?” The Great Willie Young asked his father.

“All the Tenishas,” his father responded. “And the Moniques. And the Skyes too . . .”

His father continued, and The Great Willie Young thought it was a bit much, that his father was just passive aggressively trying to shame him, but he listened anyway. He wasn’t even sure who Skye was. Maybe that stripper? Perhaps.

But The Great Willie Young listened. His father was no liar. He knew that. And so when he returned to this mortal plane of existence he began to build the great ark with the help of his many sons, some of whom he did not even know by name. But they were all strong lads, big and athletic just like him, and so the work went by quickly. Evil men and women mocked him and his sons, often taking to Twitter to sneer that they were “wasting their time” and posting memes [believed to be unfunny images, often with text added, which were perplexingly popular, perhaps providing further proof of the evil which had swept the land], but the work continued and The Great Willie Young told his sons to “avoid The Discourse” and to “stay off Twitter, even if it means temporarily deactivating your account like Jeremy from Pride of Detroit.”

Finally, when the ark was completed, The Great Willie Young began to gather the animals, a male and female of each species. Now obviously this took a lot of work, and is an epic adventure in its own right, but let it simply be said here that The Great Willie Young managed even though it took him a full month just to wrestle a male Bigfoot, a Bigfoot which sprayed him with something that smelled like a mixture of piss and semen. The Great Willie Young almost gave up, saying “Fuck all y’all, the world can go fuck itself,” before becoming ashamed of the possibility of failing his father. After accomplishing that, The Great Willie Young finished his gathering. “Eeew, y’all nasty motherfuckers,” he told the bugs, but he gathered them anyway, somehow finding room for them all in the ark, which itself was a crazy adventure that involved separating the beasts from their enemies and the Bigfoot from everyone.

The day came when the rains started and The Great Willie Young sealed the ark with his family inside. They made sure to take plenty of food, both for themselves and the animals, but it almost went awry on the first day when some of his sons got high and raided the pantry. “You little motherfuckers!” The Great Willie Young raged. “This food gotta last us 40 days and 40 nights! And shit, you gotta ration that weed. There’s no way you brought that much, and you best not be getting into my stash!”

The days went on, and Willie’s family grew bored and often turned to fighting. Skye even ripped off Tenisha’s weave one night, which could have been calamitous, but The Great Willie Young worked his magic and somehow wrangled a threesome out of it. The night was magical and was only marred when The Great Willie Young caught Bigfoot jerking off while peeping on them from inside a closet.

Finally, on the 41^st day, the rains stopped, and The Great Willie Young peered outside to see the sun shining. Sure enough, there was nothing but water around them. The Great Willie Young rubbed his hands and got out his fishing pole. He invited his sons to join him, but they ignored him, too busy playing on their iScrolls.

The Great Willie Young spent all that day fishing in peace. He caught many fish, including one which spoke to him and said “I am the fish god and I have a new task for you,” but The Great Willie Young threw him back. He was sick of spammers tying up his line.

That night, the ark groaned and came to a halt on a rock which was the only land in the ocean of water. The Great Willie Young dutifully grabbed a bird and said “Bird, I’m gonna set your ass free, but you need to let me know if you find land. Deal?”

The bird squawked and flew off. A while later it came back empty clawed and The Great Willie Young knew that it had not found land. He swore under his breath. He loved his kids, but goddamn they were getting under his skin. So he sent out another bird. This one did not return, and The Great Willie Young just shrugged and said “Well fuck you then, you ungrateful vulture.” And then he grabbed a dove and sent it out. A while later, the dove returned with a pot leaf in its mouth and The Great Willie Young fell to his knees and thanked his father for he knew that the waters had begun to subside.

That night, The Great Willie Young opened his ark. It needed to be aired out as after 40 days and 40 nights it stank like Bigfoot’s dick, both literally and metaphorically. His many sons and daughters quickly fled without so much as a thank you, along with their moms, and The Great Willie Young just shook his head and said “Same shit, different day.”

Later, The Great Willie Young traveled again to the Great Unknown where he spirit walked with his father, the Cheetah God. “My son,” the Cheetah God said, “you and your family are entrusted with the care of the earth. Ensure that it does not return to wickedness and that man does not idly Discourse again.”

The Great Willie Young promised to do his best, but he knew that it was futile since people are dicks and can’t resist their worst impulses.

“For myself,” the Cheetah God continued, “I will swear that I shall not destroy the earth again. It is to man now to forge his own destiny.”

The Great Willie Young sighed. “Shit,” he thought. “We straight fucked,”

And lo, it has come to pass.