Not that long ago, some dude on Twitter declared, with all of the authority given to him by God or The Pope or the ghost of Abraham Lincoln who lives in a trunk in his basement, that from now on, blogs should only concentrate on news and analysis. I believe his exact words were "It's time to grow up." Well, okay then. Who am I to deny the authority of such words, heaven sent as they are?
It's true. I've been irresponsible, falling deeply into a seedy world of self-referential nonsense, parading my own staggering incompetence around as if it were something to be proud of and not the failing of an incredibly weak man. But, fear not, gentle friends, for I have seen the light! Indeed.
I have decided to finally grow up, put on my big boy pants and join in the sacred world of sports blogging. No longer will I sit, naked and gibbering before those great halls of illumination. No longer will I beat upon those noble doors, howling in both pain and fear, confused and wretched while such noble and dignified men solemnly discuss the news of the day and then analyze it, meticulously parsing mountains of data before appearing at a high window of the fortress, futuristic priests delivering the Truth to the illiterate rabble down below. No longer will I stare up at the frightening data with confusion and fear in my heart. No longer will I throw my poop at such noble men as they hide inside of a secure room in their Fortress of Light. No longer will I shit in my hand and then smear it on the door as a message for . . . okay, you get the point.
Indeed. Today, I take my step into the future, into a brave new world governed by Science and Reason. My initial foray into this wonderland will focus on the correlation between quarterback intelligence and success. Yes. I will take the starting and losing quarterbacks of every Super Bowl and average out their IQ so that we can determine whether or not QB intelligence really matters. This is very scientific and as such my methods are far too complex to be understood by the simple rabble. I don't have to explain myself to you, you ignorant shit heads. Wait . . . I apologize. It's just that this is all so new to me and I'm not sure how to deal with my newfound position of Power and Influence. Don't blame me if you don't understand what it is I'm trying to do. Blame Sir Isaac Newton. Blame Enrico Fermi. Blame Doc Brown. This is science and I am a Goddamn scientist.
Anyway, I have managed to obtain the exact IQ for each quarterback in this study. I am sure that the more ignorant among you will claim that this study is flawed and therefore worthless but I would advise you to shut your fucking mouths about shit that you do not understand. After all, I am a man of science and therefore must be universally feared and respected. Kneel before me before I hurl a lightning bolt at you from above. I can do this. Again, I'm a scientist.
First, let's take a look at each quarterback and their respective IQs, but before we do, a quick note: If a quarterback played in multiple Super Bowls, then he will be counted multiple times. For instance, Terry Bradshaw won four Super Bowls. Therefore his IQ will be counted four times for the winners when I average it all together. By the way, things already don't look too good for the winners, do they?
THE SUPER BOWL WINNERS
BART STARR - Bart Starr had a shitty crew cut and looked like an angry and confused baby much of the time. This is on account of the fact that he suffered from what we in the scientific community call Water on the Brain. His IQ? 77
JOE NAMATH - Joe Namath understood that football was only a stepping stone to getting laid. He parlayed his ability to throw a ball great distances into having a personal harem of showgirls, actresses and various housewives and probably even a dude or two. After all, it was the Age of Love. His IQ? 168
LEN DAWSON - Len Dawson looked like he just fell off of a turnip truck and then had to run from the law after petting some rabbits too hard. His IQ? 63
JOHNNY UNITAS - Speaking of shitty crew cuts, Johnny Unitas looked like the retarded son of a farm couple. You know, the one that is kept in the basement so he doesn't scare the shit out of all the neighbors. That one. But, on the plus side, his name is suspiciously close to that of All-American quarterback and world champion surfer and crack FBI agent Johnny Utah. That alone boosts his IQ by ten whole points. The final number? 74
ROGER STAUBACH - Roger Staubach was a Navy man, which means that he had to go through one of the most academically rigorous course loads in the country in order to graduate from college. On the other hand, he is worshipped by dudes named Jim-Bob and he looks suspiciously like Darrell Waltrip, who is basically an escapee from the set of Hee-Haw. Truly, Staubach is a man of great contradictions. His IQ? 101
BOB GRIESE - Bob Griese wore glasses which automatically leads one to assume that he was a nerd and therefore intelligent. But, since I am a scientist, I can tell you that this only means that his eyes were legally retarded. Also, he has trouble completing a thought without stumbling over his words. The English language, which he has spoken for 65 years, is too much for him to handle. His IQ? 56
TERRY BRADSHAW - Oh, Jesus. Look, do I really need to say anything about this fucking hick? His IQ? 28. Yes, I am aware that this means that he cannot even feed himself.
KEN STABLER - A great man. Like Joe Namath, he recognized that playing football was merely a doorway to crushing ass. Also, he spent most of his career shitfaced and still managed to be successful. Also also, it would not surprise me to see him make a cameo as a power boat racer with bikini girls draped all over him in the Gulf of Mexico in a Girls Gone Wild flick. What does that have to do with his intelligence? Who fucking cares? Besides, I'm a scientist and these things are beyond your mortal comprehension. His IQ? 212
JIM PLUNKETT - Jim Plunkett graduated from Stanford, which - apologies to my friend and Berkeley man Mr. Rose - means that he has to be at least fairly intelligent. On the other hand, he once appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated looking like a retarded seven year old who just saw a red balloon at the circus so we'll assume he just had really good tutors. His IQ? 63
JOE MONTANA - It was pointed out to me by reader, commenter and my fellow Man of True Genius, Scott aka UpHere, that Joe Montana has the mien of a serial killer. This is true. He has the dull, vacant eyes of a man who wouldn't think twice about wearing your head for a hat on a cross country trip. But don't be fooled! Most serial killers are psychopaths who are actually incredibly intelligent. His IQ? 151
JOE THEISMANN - lololol His IQ? 17
JIM MCMAHON - Jim McMahon convinced everyone that he wore sunglasses because he had some sort of fucked up eye condition. This made him a celebrity. Which means that Jim McMahon managed to parlay football and a pair of sunglasses into fame. It didn't matter that he actually kind of sucked and was a shitty rapper. He was like Superman. No, I'm not sure how that makes sense either, but fuck it, sometimes science is baffling even to me and I'm a scientist. His IQ? 128
PHIL SIMMS - Phil Simms looked like he should have been standing behind Stan Gable while he taunted Lewis Skolnick and Ogre beat the shit out of Takashi. Of course, those fucking Alpha Betas ended up living in the gym while the nerds banged the holy hell out of Betty Grable. That's right. Betty Grable was Community Property. I know, I don't like it either, but those nerds were fucking autocrats, man. They ruled Adams University with an iron fist. They brooked no dissent and they took what - and who - they wanted. Fucking despicable, but they won those Greek Games so what can you do? What does this have to do with Phil Simms? I don't know. Science is a mystery. His IQ? 61
DOUG WILLIAMS - Doug Williams once appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the word WOW! next to him. This is because the people at Sports Illustrated were racist and couldn't believe that a black man could win the Super Bowl. Well, fuck you, Sports Illustrated, you bunch of Goddamn bigots. Doug Williams actually spent his offseasons teaching astrophysics at Oxford. Legend has it that he once beat Stephen Hawking at a home game of Jeopardy. Hawking became so incensed that he flopped out of his chair and tried crawling after a laughing Williams. Everyone thought it was hilarious and after they finally made up thanks to a handful of pills and a bottle of Wild Turkey, the two giants of science reportedly double teamed a stripper named Tits Q. Einstein that Stephen Hawking kept as a personal "escort". Doug Williams' IQ? 218.
JEFF HOSTETLER - Jeff Hostetler looked like a cross between a Nascar driver and a '70s porn star. His IQ? 73
MARK RYPIEN - Our very own Raven Mack recently admitted that he doesn't like Mark Rypien much and I trust his judgment completely. Therefore, fuck Mark Rypien. His IQ? Fuck, I don't know . . . 82.
TROY AIKMAN - I don't even know how Troy Aikman clothes and feeds himself. Today, his many concussions have rendered him a human vegetable whose body is operated like a puppet by Joe Buck. It's fucking obscene and inhumane but we live in strange and terrible times. As a player, Troy Aikman was shook by a man of true dignity and genius, a fellow scientist named Barry Switzer. Aikman both ran away from Switzer in college and got all pissy about playing for him in the pros. This is because Aikman was intimidated by Switzer's vast intellect. After all, Barry Switzer knew how to brew some quality moonshine using only an ear of corn and a hot plate. Could Troy Aikman do that shit? Hell no. Troy Aikman's IQ? 57
STEVE YOUNG - Like Aikman, Young has been rendered severely retarded by numerous concussions. Young is a renowned milk drinker, aka a Mormon and because he has forever shunned alcohol, his brain never developed the way that it should have which probably made him more susceptible to those concussions. It's a complicated deal involving the bonding of alcohol atoms with brain atoms and I wouldn't expect you to understand, but I was assured by a man claiming to be in possession of Albert Einstein's brain that this was the case. The man wore a diaper and he had no teeth, but he carried around a jar with what looked to be a brain floating in it and so I believe him. Steve Young's IQ? 69(heh . . .)
BRETT FAVRE - Brett Favre is from Mississippi. His IQ? 53.
JOHN ELWAY - John Elway looked like he was the product of a drunken one night stand between a man and a horse. Even if it was an exceptionally intelligent horse, it was still a horse, you know? His IQ? 46.
KURT WARNER - Kurt Warner is a good, moral man. His IQ? 63
TRENT DILFER - Trent Dilfer always looked like he just got woken up by the cops after being found passed out on the beach. I can respect this. He also managed, like Jim McMahon, to piggyback his way to glory, riding in the sidecar of Ray Lewis' death cycle. Who was going to talk shit about Trent Dilfer with Ray Lewis and his crazy eyes(and knife)staring back at them? Shit, Trent Dilfer was smart enough to make the right friends. His IQ? 117
TOM BRADY - Tom Brady is the Ideal American Man(After me, of course.) He knocked up a hot actress, dumped her and then knocked up a hot supermodel. I know a lot of you probably hate him, but to quote another True Genius, my friend Andrew, hatred stems from jealous thoughts. Science conspired with God to create Tom Brady as the avatar of the ideal human condition. No, I don't have an erection right now. Why do you ask? His IQ? 268
BRAD JOHNSON - Who cares? His IQ? 96
BEN ROETHLISBERGER - The man can't even keep his dick in his pants. He's like the retarded kid in school who takes his pants off for no reason and then starts playing with himself while the teacher hustles everyone out of the room. He later ends up in a "special" school, where he is forced to wear pants that are padlocked on and mittens so he can't even work the zipper. His IQ? 32
PEYTON MANNING - From Mississippi. His IQ? 65
ELI MANNING - From Mississippi. Also, his eyes looked fucked up. Possibly inbred. His IQ? 42
DREW BREES - Drew Brees seems to be reasonably intelligent, but then again, he has a huge birthmark on the side of his face, which I am told by the grandson of L. Ron Hubbard, author of Dianetics and founder of Scientology which has science right in the name, signifies that Brees has been marked by God as defective. His IQ? 87
THE SUPER BOWL LOSERS
Note: Some of these will be duplicates from the winners section. Therefore, we will skip the explanations for those ones here but their numbers will still be calculated in the losers' average. I'm on this shit!
DARYLE LAMONICA - Daryle Lamonica was beloved by Al Davis because he could throw a ball really far and therefore is kind of the Godfather of all Raiders quarterbacks. This means something. I'm not sure what, but it means something, you know? On the other hand, he spells his name "Daryle". Sure, that's on his parents, but intelligence is hereditary(science!)and so this does not speak well for him. His IQ? 72
EARL MORRALL - He was named Earl and also had that Unitas crew cut that made him look like one of the Munsters or something. His IQ? 52
JOE KAPP - Joe Kapp was on a cover of Sports Illustrated that made him look like a cross between Sloth from Goonies and Mongo from Blazing Saddles. His IQ? 51
CRAIG MORTON - Shit, I don't know. What do you assholes want from me? Science wouldn't give me a valid reason for this one, but who are any of us to argue with Science? His IQ? 75
BILLY KILMER - I - I mean Science - found a picture of Billy Kilmer wearing a Hawaiian shirt. This means he probably likes to drink. And thanks to the Atom Bonding theory between alcohol and the brain that was discussed earlier, this means that his brain developed at a rate ahead of the average brain. Again, this is straight science. His IQ? 156
FRAN TARKENTON - His name is Fran and he looks like a shitty motivational speaker. Then again, motivational speakers are experts at fleecing idiots out of the gold bricks they have buried in their backyard. He might be a complete asshole, but he's probably not a moron. His IQ? 123
VINCE FERRAGAMO - This dude looked like he was dragged off of a Hollywood sound stage. He probably could have made a living shooting commercials and banging the entire population of Malibu. I would have respected that. Instead, he decided to become a mediocre football player, which means that by the time he was 30, his brain probably looked like that of an 87 year old with Alzheimer's.(Hey, isn't football fun?) His IQ? 67
RON JAWORSKI - I feel bad for Ron Jaworski. He actually seems way too intelligent for the rest of the mongs at ESPN. He's kinda treated like a nerd by everyone else, presumably because he's not a dumb meathead, but shit, this dude was an NFL player. Fuck you, Merril Hoge. Jaworksi's IQ? 137
KEN ANDERSON - Ken Anderson looked like the most average human being who ever lived. He looked more like a dude who would end up getting pistol whipped by his ex-wife's new boyfriend because he refused to give up their trailer in the divorce settlement than an NFL quarterback. That kind of took a weird turn, didn't it? Oh well. His IQ? 84
DAVID WOODLEY - Jesus, aren't we done yet? Anyway, Science couldn't really find a good picture of this dude. Then again, Science didn't really look too hard. Fuck it, even Science has its limits. I asked Science what it thought and it just shrugged and said 94, so David Woodley's IQ? 94
DAN MARINO - Dan Marino used to have a hilarious looking perm. Plus, he just seems like the sort of guy who tries really, really hard, but you end up feeling bad when you're out playing golf and he struggles to add up the scores and you suggest that maybe you should just go get some beers and figure it out later and he gets all mad and says "I can do this!" and then it gets all quiet and awkward and he finally finishes adding it up and he seems so proud of himself and then you go back and add it up later and realize he made a mistake but you don't want to hurt his feelings and so you keep on pretending that he shot a 72 even though he really shot a 76 until two weeks later when he's still bragging and you just lose it and embarrass him in front of everyone and then you never really hang out again except for in groups and he won't make eye contact with you. His IQ? 56
TONY EASON - Whose idea was it to write this damn thing? Science? Fuck you, Science. Asshole. Tony Eason's IQ? 78
BOOMER ESIASON - Come on now, the guy willingly goes by the name Boomer. His IQ? 68
JIM KELLY - Jim Kelly looks like he spends half of his time hiding in a barn, scared that George will punish him for petting rabbits too hard. What, I already used the rabbits thing? Wait, who am I talking to? Is that you, Science? I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. Jim Kelly's IQ? 52
STAN HUMPHRIES - Stan Humphries is from Louisiana, which means that there is a good chance he is descended - at least partially - from Willie Young, who reportedly impregnated as many as 10,000 women when he was ruling over the Bayou. Therefore, if he is blessed with even a portion of the intellect of the Great Willie Young, then he is a man of True Genius. Stan Humphries' IQ? 167
NEIL O'DONNELL - Is named Neil. His IQ? 317
DREW BLEDSOE - Dared to stand in the way of the Golden Child, Tom Brady. This shows a remarkable lack of intellect. His IQ? 47
CHRIS CHANDLER - May be the most average man who ever lived. His IQ? 100.
STEVE MCNAIR - Couldn't keep his whores in line. Harsh? Perhaps, but Science is merciless. Steve McNair's IQ? 64.
KERRY COLLINS - Kerry Collins was run out of Carolina because he was a possible racist. That's right. Kerry Collins was too racist for North Carolina. Also, how dumb do you have to be to straight up use a racial slur to the face of a dude named Muhsin Muhammad? I mean, what the fuck? His IQ? 9
RICH GANNON - Rich Gannon imploded in the Super Bowl, which leads me to believe that the pressure was too much for his simple brain to take. His IQ? 67
JAKE DELHOMME - From Louisiana. Specifically, from the bayou. Therefore, almost certainly a descendant of the Great Willie Young. His IQ? 185
DONOVAN MCNABB - Puked during the Super Bowl. Seemingly overwhelmed at the end of games. May be legitimately kind of dumb. Best known to a non-football following audience as the dude whose mom makes him look like an idiot in soup commercials. His IQ? 62
MATT HASSELBECK - Shares DNA with brother Tim, who married Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Therefore, Science can only conclude that he is a bit of a simpleton. Also, he is prematurely bald, which according to my high school biology teacher means that his brain is tiny and has eaten all his hair in an effort to sustain itself. Science is fucked up! His IQ? 54
REX GROSSMAN - HAHAHAHA! The Sex Cannon's IQ? 53
Okay, well shit. Let's see what these numbers mean, now shall we? Upon careful examination of the numbers, we find that the average IQ of a Super Bowl winning QB is 93.84, which according to my research and also the insistence of my assistant, a chimpanzee I "rescued" from the zoo, means that the average Super Bowl winning quarterback's intelligence is slightly below average.
Meanwhile, the average IQ of the Super Bowl losing QB is a mere 85.43, which, again according to my meticulous research, means that the average Super Bowl losing quarterback is "dull." Another way to put this is that they are fucking dumb. Science is kind of an asshole, but what can you do? He defeated Faith in a bloody cage match during the Age of Reason. The two later patched things up but most people still mistakenly believe they are enemies and so they often conform to people's base stereotypes. I try to get them to change this but usually Faith scolds me for jacking off and tells me that I'm going to Hell while Science insists that if I sit on my left hand, it will go numb and then it will feel like I'm not jacking off at all but instead am getting a handie. Science tells me if I just close my eyes and pretend, then it really does work. Science calls this "The Stranger" and one time I mentioned that pretending seems to run counter to the idea of reason but Science just slapped the shit out of me and when I complained to Faith he just told me that I should have known better and not to cry to him about "spilled milk" so to speak. The two will then go out drinking together and leave me chained to the radiator so I can "think about what I did wrong."
Ahem. Anyway, we have conclusively proven that the intelligence of a quarterback does indeed make a difference when it comes to winning or losing on the grandest stage of them all. This is inarguable and anyone who disagrees with my findings is a heretic and should be burned at the stake. I'm sorry, but this is just the way it is.
But what does this mean for Matthew Stafford, our golden boy quarterback? Well, Matthew seems to understand the lessons of Joe Namath and Ken Stabler, which tell us that the smart quarterbacks parlay their success into crushing ass. Matthew Stafford is well known for hanging out with random pieces of tail and we can only assume that as his fame grows, so will his harem. This is a good sign. On the other hand, he vaguely looks like a rabbit petter, which as we known from the exploits of Lennie Small(My term for George Foster. By the way, I might have to come up with a FAQ some day for all the newer readers in order to explain all the assorted weird shit/pet names.)is not a good thing.
However, young Matthew has also drawn praise from his coaches for his ability to both study film and read a defense. This is a good sign, which, when taken with his willingness to learn from the greats, men such as Namath and Stabler, means that we can estimate his IQ at 154, which means that he is considerably smarter than the average Super Bowl winning quarterback and that we can look forward to no less that seven Super Bowl championships while he is here with us in Detroit. Again, this is the conclusion of Science and Science doesn't lie. Unless it's to get laid.
There. How's that for some fuckin' analysis? I hope this pleases that Lord of the Blogosphere, that champion of News and Analysis, whose Twitter pronouncement shook the very nature of the blogging world to its foundations. I hope I have now earned my place in your great halls, even if it is to clean the floors with rags while you and your mighty peers sit at your Round Table of Knowledge and shape the world for generations to come. I humbly beseech you to look upon me with kindness and with great mercy and remember my name, even if it is only as a whisper in the back of your Great Brain, when you stand before the Halls of Enlightenment and accept the thanks and praises of a world that would be lost without you.
Eternally, your humble acolyte,
Neil
PS: Anyone who isn't already can embrace Science with me on twitter: twitter.com/armchairlb
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