Who Needs Keith Bullock?

For the last several months - or at least since Ernie Sims was banished from the land - Lions fans have had their eye on Keith Bullock, the former Pro-Bowl linebacker for the Tennessee Titans. Like with Albert Haynesworth the year before, the reasons for this seem to be almost entirely related to Jim Schwartz. The idea goes that since he was the Titans Defensive Coordinator under whom both Haynesworth and Bullock and a host of others flourished, they would theoretically want to play for him again in Detroit. This of course ignores one obvious truth: this would require them to play for the Detroit Lions.

Indeed. No matter how much we don't want it to be true, not a lot of dudes are beating down our doors, begging to be a part of that noble Lions championship tradition. I know, I'm shocked too. I mean, shit, you would think one playoff win in over fifty years would have everyone clamoring to be a part of the magic. Unfortunately, no matter how good we think (or at least hope) Jim Schwartz is, his presence isn't enough to draw marquee players to the NFL's version of Siberia. Then again, at least Siberia was a part of a successful empire for a while, so maybe that isn't the best comparison. The NFL's version of Sierra Leone? Shit, I don't know. I'm just trying to avoid calling it hell.

Of course, Keith Bullock is a sensible man with actual options so instead of coming to a place where half the people walk around with missing arms and dazed looks on their scarred faces, noses missing from weird machete attacks and hair burned off by radioactive jelly or a six year old with a flamethrower, he decided to get on a plane to New York and become a member of the Giants family. You can't really blame the dude, but unfortunately that leaves the hopes and dreams of many Lions fans shredded and tossed in the dumpster. We should be used to it, but rejection is something you never truly get to used to.

But we still have to move on, without Keith Bullock, and that means that someone has to step in and fill that hole in the defense that so many were hoping that he would fill. Now, 2/3 of the linebacking corps is pretty much set, with Julian Peterson returning at his spot and DeAndre Levy set to step in for Larry Foote in the middle, so we won't worry about them in this post. What we will worry about is that third linebacker, the spot formerly filled by that great animal lover, the Lizard King, Cinnabon Sims. Who's going to start there?

Well, I have decided to do the right thing and step in with this list of potential replacements for the Lizard King. I will break down their pros and cons and using a complex points system derived through consultations with the foremost scientific minds in the world, men like Stephen Hawking, Harry Einstein and Dave Copernicus, we will then be able to determine the best man for the job. Some may question these methods, but once again, I am a scientist and science brooks no ugly dissent. If you wonder just how I (Or I should say we - who am I to deny the contributions of Stevie Hawking?) came to these conclusions, ask yourself instead why you must be a heretical asshole? I may be a man of science but even I cannot account for the hole in your soul that won't allow you to have faith and believe in The Good News.

I don't even know what it is that I'm blathering on about anymore, but then again I am a scientist and not a man of letters so let's just get to it.

ZACK FOLLETT

PROS:

- The dude hits like a fucking freight train. We've all seen the special teams highlights of Follett laying out some poor asshole and a lot of us have seen the highlights from when he was at Cal and would routinely disembowel those stupid enough not to just fall at his feet and pray for mercy. Obviously, for a linebacker, this is a good quality to have, one that's worth 75 points according to Science.

- He seems like a pretty genuinely awesome guy. Really, Zack Follett's worth as a player has been overshadowed by the fact that he has become the number one dude in the hearts of many Lions fans. He's hung out with real, live Lions and gone shopping for tampons for his opponents. Shit, in the tampon shopping video he basically looked like he just woke up from a nap on the beach, put on his helmet and stumbled into a drug store. I can't really root against that, you know? And according to Science, that's worth an additional 81 points.

- My boy AERose is a huge fan of Follett's, having followed him dating back to his days at Berkeley. From the moment he was drafted, he assured me that I would love Follett and I trust him. Perhaps that is a failing of mine, my willingness to listen to my friends, but without friendship and camaraderie, Old Ike Newton would have never discovered the apple and Jonas Salk would have never built Franklin Roosevelt a rocket powered wheelchair. As Galileo so famously said "Without friendship, you ain't got shit." So like Science often listens to his friend, Faith, I will listen to mine, the noble Master Rose and will believe in the power of one Zachry Jon Follett. And according to Science, that is worth 42 points.

CONS:

- There was a reason why Follett was drafted in the seventh round and not the first and that's because he probably isn't quite good enough to be an every down defender in the NFL. When he was drafted, this is what I forecast for him:

I think Follett will probably be the sort of guy who will make a couple of huge HOLY SHIT type hits, maybe a couple of sacks here and there and will bring a shit ton of energy to the game whenever he's in there - all valuable things to bring to a team. He will probably stand out the most on special teams, where he can just run down the field and murder people with reckless abandon, and then be tethered to the bench in between by a choke chain so he doesn't wander into the stands and start wailing on poor unsuspecting drunks. He's going to be a popular player. There's no doubt about that in my mind. He has fan favorite written all over him, but he's probably one of those players who is just a hair shy of being good enough to be a starter in the NFL. He kind of reminds me of a 4A player in baseball - prospects who are talented enough to dominate at the Triple A level but who aren't quite good enough to get it done with the big club.

I still think that's pretty much true. No matter how awesome we might think he is and no matter how many big hits he delivers as a special teams psychopath, he still hasn't proven that he can be a quality NFL linebacker. That's the harsh, naked truth here and no matter how many bells and whistles surround this dude, that's really the only thing that matters. And according to Science, it matters to the tune of -125 points. Science is harsh and there's nothing I can do to contain him. After all, I am only a man.

- For as awesome as Zack Follett seems, a part of me feels like this whole Zack Follett: Wild and Crazy Guy thing is just a bit too contrived, you know? I mean, obviously it's contrived, but that's cool. The fans wanted to see him that way and he's embraced it whole heartedly. I'm not gonna dog him out for that. Maybe I'm just a little cynical and maybe that really is Zack Follett. Either way, it's cool. But I think he's probably a bit like a pro wrestler. That probably is him but an amped up version of him if that makes sense. Still, he does run the risk of becoming that guy, and as much as we all love him now, we don't necessarily want to see him with a camera trying like hell to come up with some new ridiculous angle just because he wants fans to notice him. Anyway, Science deems this to be relatively trivial and says it's worth only -10 points.

POSSIBILITY THAT HE HAS, OR WILL OBTAIN, A PET MONKEY OR EQUIVALENT ANIMAL(ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN): 8. Look, in order to truly replace The Lizard King, you're going to have to embrace his kingdom, a kingdom filled with lizards, birds, spiders and of course, that noble monkey. But more importantly than that, that fucking monkey was a staple of my writing last season and I'll be damned if I'm just going to let that shit go now that Ernie Sims is gone. So someone is gonna have to step up here. And Zack Follett seems like the dude who probably is the most likely to get this shit done. We've already seen him frolicking with lions and it's not completely unrealistic to expect that one day he'll show up at practice with, like, a chimp on a leash wearing a diaper or with a python draped over his neck Jake "The Snake" Roberts style. If that happens, I say give him the job. In fact, someone should tell Follett that if he really wants the job, he'll do this. Make it happen.

FINAL SCIENTIFIC SCORE: 143 POINTS. Note: Science decided to multiply the Animal Ownership Possibility Score (In Follett's case, an 8) by 10 and then factored that into the final score. Why? Science doesn't have to explain himself to you.



LANDON JOHNSON

PROS:

- Landon Johnson has been a fairly serviceable linebacker in the NFL for several seasons. For four years he was a starting linebacker for the Bengals so he's done it before. Out of all the candidates for this position, he is the one with the most experience and the only one who has ever proven himself at all as an NFL caliber linebacker. Science says this is worth 100 points.

- I once picked up Landon Johnson when I was playing Madden in the franchise setting and he developed into a quality player for me. What does that mean in the real world? Not a damn thing, but what the hell, it's worth mentioning. And according to Science, it's worth 5 whole points.

CONS:

- Although he started for several years with the Bengals, he was eventually shown the door and ended up in Carolina for the last two seasons, where he has spent his time mostly as a backup on a not very good team. He did start three games last season, but he seems to have settled into a role as a quality backup who can do some good things for you on Special Teams. And hey, that's cool, you know? But we shouldn't have to settle because that is the hallmark of the beaten man and although we have been whipped for decades with chains made of fire and broken dreams, we are not beaten. This is a serious thing, according to Science, and he claims that it is serious enough to merit the loss of 75 points.

- During that same game of Madden, I eventually replaced Johnson with a nondescript rookie I drafted just because he was fast. That dude went on to be much better than Johnson. Again, this doesn't seem to have any bearing on reality. Then again, my team of scientists tell me that all video games are reflective of reality, like Resident Evil or Doom and who am I to argue? Therefore, Science claims that this is worth -5 points.

POSSIBILITY THAT HE HAS, OR WILL OBTAIN, A PET MONKEY OR EQUIVALENT ANIMAL(ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN): 6. I have no real, tangible reason for this score but the dude spent four years in Cincinnati and playing for the Bengals can have a strange effect on a man. It is not completely inconceivable that the only way Johnson was able to cope with Chad Ochocinco's bullshit or Chris Henry trying to pistol whip random whores or whatever the fuck was going on there was for Johnson to start tending to turtles or breeding pygmy goats in his backyard.

FINAL SCIENTIFIC SCORE: 85 points.


CALEB CAMPBELL

PROS:

- This would be a nice story. The army dude finally makes good. You all know the story. The dude got drafted, the army told him he couldn't play and everyone got all shook, but now he's out of the army and he finally has a chance to make it with the Lions. Naturally, this makes everyone's patriotism reflexes go wild and hey that's cool. It would get the Lions some positive attention and would be a good thing for a dude willing to sacrifice for the good of the country and honor and blah blah blah. Shit, I think I just kinda revealed how I really feel, didn't I? Anyway, Science thanks this dude for his sacrifices and grants him 200 points.

- He's a good athlete who likes to hit. It's exceedingly rare for a player from one of the service academies to wind up drafted by the NFL. (Note: I had a bit here playing on the word "drafted" and military service and I would like to say that I excised it out of good taste, but really it was because it wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be. But it's probably good that it got chopped out anyway or else I would have had incurred the wrath of the VFW or offended the last living World War I vet or something and I don't wanna be responsible for the last living World War I vet stroking out in an indignant rage. Also, please humor me and indulge my fantasy that the last living World War I vet would actually be reading this.) But Campbell was drafted by the Lions, meaning that he has to bring something fairly special to the table. (I mean, you could be cynical and say that the Lions drafted him as a PR stunt but that would be cynical as all hell and since we are optimists in our hearts and gentleman and lady gentleman we will not entertain such notions.) This means that there is at least a possibility that he can be a surprisingly effective NFL player. (I have nothing more to say here. I just wanted to see if I could get away with another parenthetical break. Shit. Should I start using footnotes like I'm some degenerate version of David Foster Wallace?) Oh yeah, Science says this is worth 40 points.

CONS:

- Look, no matter how nice a story the Caleb Campbell story is, there is a really big chance that if he makes it, it will get annoying FAST. I, uh, kinda sorta think I need to tread carefully here. I respect Caleb Campbell for having the balls to get involved in the armed forces. That takes guts no matter how you want to look at it. IT IS NOT HIM OR HIS MILITARY SERVICE I AM CRITICIZING. I put that in bold so Lee Greenwood doesn't freak the fuck out on me. All I am saying is that his story can very easily be co-opted and packaged into something reprehensible and incredibly obnoxious by the Glenn Beck crowd, a bunch of self serving bullshit with a glossy patriotic veneer, ugly vitriol hiding behind the American flag. I, uh, don't wanna see that, you know? Neither does Science and he is so frightened of that happening that he is docking Caleb Campbell 75 points because of it.

- Political landmines aside, the very simple fact is that Caleb Campbell probably isn't good enough to be a starting linebacker in the NFL. Realistically, he is probably only a fringe roster kind of guy, someone who can stick around on a team desperate for a Special Teams kamikaze. He was a seventh round draft pick and even though I don't want to be cynical, and even though I am an optimist and a gentleman, a part of me refuses to let go of the notion that the Lions drafted him because, let's face it, his is a ready made story and gets the team some easy good publicity. I don't want to think that way but I am a complicated beast, a man of Science and Faith, but I will allow myself to think that way nonetheless because in order to be a true Warrior of Light, one must occasionally allow himself to walk in the paths of the darkness. This is just the way of things, I'm afraid. But even if he was good enough to be drafted, he was drafted as a safety, meaning that he probably lacks the bulk necessary to be a quality NFL linebacker. Leaving aside all that other bullshit, Campbell's biggest problem may just be that he is a classic tweener, a player who doesn't quite fit at any position. Science deems this a serious thing, worth -50 points.

- Because of his commitment to the military, Campbell was forced to spend a year away from football. This is something that can be absolutely devastating to one's development as a player. Just ask Mike Williams. I know this can happen because as a kid, I was a pretty decent basketball player. I then took a year off for reasons I won't get into here. (Okay, fine, I spent a year studying lycanthropy in Romania until I was forced to flee a family of degenerate werewolves who were pissed off because I tried to seduce the daughter of their pack leader. I didn't know she was a werewolf. It was pure coincidence, but my professor, a Dr. Werner Ganz, advised me to flee. I later found out via letter that he was found mauled to death in his laboratory. Investigators found my name clawed into his chest, along with a warning to never come back unless I wanted to find out what werewolf justice was all about. But I will say no more, for fear that they might be reading. Also, Nadia, you might be a filthy wolf, but I haven't forgotten you, you hairy bitch.) Anyway, when I resumed my fledgling basketball career, I found that in that year off, I had become hopelessly shitty. It just happens. Everyone else passes you by and you just can't catch up. Now, obviously, Caleb Campbell can't really be compared to a teenaged basketball player, but you get the point, don't you? The dude's been away too long and isn't nearly good enough to overcome that kind of handicap. And according to Science, that's worth -75 points.

POSSIBILITY THAT HE HAS, OR WILL OBTAIN, A PET MONKEY OR EQUIVALENT ANIMAL(ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN): 3. The dude has spent the last several years drilling to be a soldier and then actually soldiering. He didn't have time to become the tamer of any exotic beasts. However, I will leave open the possibility that he has a pet rabbit or something mundane like that.

FINAL SCIENTIFIC SCORE: 70 points.


JORDON DIZON

PROS:

- Dizon was a second round draft pick and even though people almost universally agree that the Lions reached for him there, he was still a second round pick and that means something, you know? He was grabbed there because in college, at Colorado, he was a hell of a linebacker. So he's talented. And that's something that Science says is worth 75 points. (Science sure does seem to like the number 75, doesn't he?)

- Last year, when Ernie Sims went down with an injury, Dizon saw more playing time and he actually seemed be to not bad. I know that doesn't sound overly gushing, but given that just about every Lions fan had written him off after a dismal disaster of a rookie season, that's something. According to Science, it's something worth 50 points.

CONS:

- We can't forget that dismal disaster of a rookie season, one which saw Dizon buried and left for dead by Rod Marinelli and his gang of idiots and assholes. Now, okay, normally having Rod Marinelli hate you is enough to get on my good side. But, the Lions went 0-16 with linebackers who would get cut from a Pee-Wee team. If Dizon couldn't play on that team, well . . . you get the point. Science gets it and he says it's worth -74 points. (Ha! You thought Science was going to say 75 points again, didn't you? Well, Science is fucking smart and isn't going to fall for some shit like that. He is a scientist after all.)

- There's also a reason why everyone thinks that the Lions reached for Dizon in the second round. He's not really big enough to be an every down starting linebacker in the NFL. He can probably be an excellent special teams player and a quality backup, but I just don't see him holding up at 6'0" and 225 lbs. That's not tiny. (Honestly? That's a big dude.) But for an NFL linebacker, it's small - too small - and unless you possess otherworldly athleticism or are willing to eat your opponent's heart and gnaw on his fallen bones like, say, London Fletcher, you're probably going to find yourself getting driven back by blocker after blocker. Science says this is a problem worth -65 points.

POSSIBILITY THAT HE HAS, OR WILL OBTAIN, A PET MONKEY OR EQUIVALENT ANIMAL(ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN): 7. Dizon had a couple of years to hang out with Ernie Sims and learn the secrets of being a top animal shaman. It is not unrealistic to suspect that he has at least, like, a pet cockatoo or maybe even an eel or something. I'm not saying the dude has a giraffe or anything, but every kingdom has to start from somewhere and I'm willing to believe that Dizon knows this and has taken the necessary steps to secure his legacy.

FINAL SCIENTIFIC SCORE: 56 points.


Okay, there are other candidates, dudes like Isiah Ekejiuba and Vinny Ciurciu, but they are special teams aces and everyone knows that's what they're here for. They won't be starting. I mean, they could, but if they do, then this season will likely be spent with a shotgun on my lap and a glass full of paint thinner waiting to accompany me to the Great Gig in the Sky. But, since, again, we are optimists in our hearts we will not think that way. Therefore - and because I've already written 4,000 words on the subject (Okay, fine, 1,500 words and another 2,500 on weird bullshit about werewolves in Romania and bitching about Lee Greenwood and Glenn Beck.), we'll just wrap this shit up.

I guess it's time to declare a winner and looking at the point totals gleaned through the use of Science, my team of expert scientists and I have determined that the third starting linebacker for the Detroit Lions in 2010 should be none other than . . . ZACK FOLLETT. Congratulations, Zack. May you crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women.

Citizen Shaun Rogers

Notice that they had to have a buffer between Shaun and the girls.


Shaun Rogers is no longer a citizen of our noble province, but there was a time when Big Baby toiled under the same brutal hell sun that has tortured us all in Lions land. And since it's July and there still isn't a damn thing happening worth talking about, any news involving anyone or anything even tangentially related to the Detroit Lions is fair game. So, anyone wanting to complain that this isn't strictly about the Lions can kindly go to hell because these are the times that try men's souls and it's either this or a million words spent rambling on about hope again.

When I saw the story today that Shaun Rogers had done his duty as a citizen and ratted out some poor drunkard weaving all over the road, I knew I had to write about it. Some would paint this as a redemptive story of a man who has seen his own troubled days finally finding the grace to do the right thing. Others would decry Shaun Rogers for senseless snitchery. Tom Lewand would probably plead with Shaun to mind his fucking business. But the true story, I think, is not in whether Shaun Rogers did the right thing or not. No. I will leave that to the Mitch Alboms of the world, who will spin their saccharine little webs around Big Baby until the poor degenerate is barely recognizable anymore, just a soft cuddly do-gooder. You know, boring.

But reality is rarely so cut and dry. There has to be more to it than either a desire to finally do some good or a desire to get caught up in snitchery. After all, Shaun Rogers is a complicated man and we can only imagine the thoughts that raced through his mind as he sped down the highway and saw some poor fool Lewanding his way down the road. Did he feel fear? Sympathy? Perhaps an overwhelming rage stemming from that time a drunk killed his imaginary friend Dr. Gropesalot? We can never really know. All we can do is go by this transcript, which was put into my head by a voice from on high claiming to be either God or the ghost of Ulysses S. Grant or that ape at the zoo with the shifty eyes who pointed at me and then at his head, laughed and then picked his ass. That's right, I'm on to you ape! Whether it is by divine intervention, the whim of a dead alcoholic ex-President or through the infernal mind manipulations of a super intelligent ape, somehow, I believe I know what happened in that car during that fateful phone call between Shaun "Big Baby" Rogers and the dispatchers at 911.

Shaun Rogers(SR): Ayo, 911, there's some drunk ass motherfucker bobbing and weavin' all over the damn road!

Dispatcher: Relax, sir. Can you repeat that for me?

SR: Fuck that. He's too close! There's no time.

Dispatcher: Sir, can you calm down? Tell me your name.

SR: My name? You know who this is. This Big Baby! I got a motherfucker here swervin' all over the damn road. Oh shit! I can see him taking some pulls from a bottle of Nyquil. Mothafuckin' Nyquil!

Dispatcher: What's that? You have a baby with you? Sir, please don't give your baby Nyquil.

SR: Aw, hell naw, son. This is Big Baby, Shaun Rogers . . .

Dispatcher: Shaun Rogers? Oh God.

[rustling in the background, panicked voices]

Dispatcher: Where are you now, Mr. Rogers?

SR: The fuck? I told you. I'm in a car . . .

Dispatcher: Mr. Rogers, please pull over and stay right where you are. You don't want to hurt anyone, especially that baby.

SR: Naw, listen . . . I don't have a baby. This is Big Baby.

Dispatcher: I understand that you might have a large baby, Mr. Rogers, but you still can't give him Nyquil.

SR: What the fuck you talking about?

Dispatcher: Mr. Rogers, where are you coming from?

SR: Where am I coming from? What does that matter?

Dispatcher: We received reports that you were spotted fleeing from an establishment called The International House of Ass . . .

SR: [laughter] Aw, hell yeah, son. They let you put syrup right on them asses, and . . .

Dispatcher: Was your baby present with you at this establishment?

SR: Man, I told you, I ain't got no baby. This is Big Baby.

Dispatcher: Again, sir, the size of your baby is irrelevant to . . .

SR: Whatever. Whatever. Look, there's a drunk motherfucker weaving all over the road. I'm just trying to help here. Big Baby wants to do right.

Dispatcher: Mr. Rogers, how long has your baby been drunk?

SR: Man, just listen . . . I been dealing with this asshole ever since I left the House of Ass. I'd still be there too, but that bitch Trixie flipped the fuck out and dropped a dime on me to the bouncers. Motherfuckers said I had to leave just 'cause I tried to take a bite outta dat ass. Shit, they the ones that give you the syrup. What the fuck you supposed to think? All sending mixed messages and shit . . .

Dispatcher: Mr. Rogers, are you currently intoxicated and/or under the influence of drugs?

SR: Hell naw, son. They don't serve alcohol in the IHOA. Otherwise, that shit be topless only. If you wanna get the full nude, you can't have no liquor. It's the law. Shit, how the fuck you not know that?

Dispatcher: Mr. Rogers, please, put your clothes back on!

SR: The fuck? No, man, the bitches was the ones missing their clothes.

Dispatcher: Sir, did you just refer to me as a bitch?

SR: Naw, man, listen . . . please . . . I'm just trying to help. There's a motherfucker drunk driving down the highway. He nearly cut me off as I was leaving the parking lot of the International House of Ass . . .

Dispatcher: Sir, is your baby properly restrained?

SR: Man, come on now. You just fuckin' with me, right? You know this is Big Baby. You know who this is.

Dispatcher: Mr. Rogers, the police have been sent and they will be there shortly. Now, please, can you tell me if you have any weapons on you?

SR: Shit, I'm gonna hang up, man. Just look for my flashers. I'll be tailing the drunk and . . .

Dispatcher: [to people in background] All cars be on the lookout for one Shaun Rogers. Last seen driving an SUV with a drunk baby inside covered in syrup. Suspect is fully nude - not just topless - and just threatened to start flashing other drivers.

SR: Awww, shit . . . Yo man, nevermind.

Dispatcher: Suspect has ceased to be cooperative. Officers are authorized to use whatever force necessary in the apprehension of suspect.

And . . . scene.

There are those who tell you that this is not what happened, but this is because the media is filled with racists paid to sweep this kind of shit under the rug. Not me, though. I'm still not sure why I was chosen to be the vessel of this particular truth or how I ended up with this knowledge, but just be thankful that somehow, someway, I have been able to get the truth to you. We may not understand the ways of the Lord or of that superintelligent ape at the zoo but such are the mysteries of faith my friends.

I'm just happy that everything worked out in the end for Big Baby and that he is getting his long overdue recognition as a solid citizen and an agent for justice in these dark and troubled times. Sure, he may have traveled a strange and terrible road to salvation, filled with comical missteps and the occasional groping, and sure he had to spend several hours convincing the police that he didn't have a baby with him in the car, but Shaun Rogers was trying to do the right thing. And okay, it turned him into a shameful snitch in the process, which should be a lesson to all future Big Baby's out there: don't ever try to do the right thing, but at least Mitch Albom will deign to make eye contact with him now and really, isn't that what all professional athletes want at the end of the day?

Vaya con dios, Big Baby. You may not be a Detroit Lion anymore, but I still remember you staggering down the field against the Broncos and I still remember you saying fuck it and quitting on that one play. You know the one I'm talking about, right? Just pick a random play and you'll probably be right. But you were hated by Rod Marinelli and that's a point in your favor and although you may have been exiled from our terrible realm, you are still a son of Detroit. So, vaya con dios you King of the Jungle(And by The Jungle, I am of course talking about the strip club located in Amarillo, Texas.)

QB Intelligence: Does It Matter?

Not that long ago, some dude on Twitter declared, with all of the authority given to him by God or The Pope or the ghost of Abraham Lincoln who lives in a trunk in his basement, that from now on, blogs should only concentrate on news and analysis. I believe his exact words were "It's time to grow up." Well, okay then. Who am I to deny the authority of such words, heaven sent as they are?

It's true. I've been irresponsible, falling deeply into a seedy world of self-referential nonsense, parading my own staggering incompetence around as if it were something to be proud of and not the failing of an incredibly weak man. But, fear not, gentle friends, for I have seen the light! Indeed.

I have decided to finally grow up, put on my big boy pants and join in the sacred world of sports blogging. No longer will I sit, naked and gibbering before those great halls of illumination. No longer will I beat upon those noble doors, howling in both pain and fear, confused and wretched while such noble and dignified men solemnly discuss the news of the day and then analyze it, meticulously parsing mountains of data before appearing at a high window of the fortress, futuristic priests delivering the Truth to the illiterate rabble down below. No longer will I stare up at the frightening data with confusion and fear in my heart. No longer will I throw my poop at such noble men as they hide inside of a secure room in their Fortress of Light. No longer will I shit in my hand and then smear it on the door as a message for . . . okay, you get the point.

Indeed. Today, I take my step into the future, into a brave new world governed by Science and Reason. My initial foray into this wonderland will focus on the correlation between quarterback intelligence and success. Yes. I will take the starting and losing quarterbacks of every Super Bowl and average out their IQ so that we can determine whether or not QB intelligence really matters. This is very scientific and as such my methods are far too complex to be understood by the simple rabble. I don't have to explain myself to you, you ignorant shit heads. Wait . . . I apologize. It's just that this is all so new to me and I'm not sure how to deal with my newfound position of Power and Influence. Don't blame me if you don't understand what it is I'm trying to do. Blame Sir Isaac Newton. Blame Enrico Fermi. Blame Doc Brown. This is science and I am a Goddamn scientist.

Anyway, I have managed to obtain the exact IQ for each quarterback in this study. I am sure that the more ignorant among you will claim that this study is flawed and therefore worthless but I would advise you to shut your fucking mouths about shit that you do not understand. After all, I am a man of science and therefore must be universally feared and respected. Kneel before me before I hurl a lightning bolt at you from above. I can do this. Again, I'm a scientist.

First, let's take a look at each quarterback and their respective IQs, but before we do, a quick note: If a quarterback played in multiple Super Bowls, then he will be counted multiple times. For instance, Terry Bradshaw won four Super Bowls. Therefore his IQ will be counted four times for the winners when I average it all together. By the way, things already don't look too good for the winners, do they?

THE SUPER BOWL WINNERS

BART STARR - Bart Starr had a shitty crew cut and looked like an angry and confused baby much of the time. This is on account of the fact that he suffered from what we in the scientific community call Water on the Brain. His IQ? 77

JOE NAMATH - Joe Namath understood that football was only a stepping stone to getting laid. He parlayed his ability to throw a ball great distances into having a personal harem of showgirls, actresses and various housewives and probably even a dude or two. After all, it was the Age of Love. His IQ? 168

LEN DAWSON - Len Dawson looked like he just fell off of a turnip truck and then had to run from the law after petting some rabbits too hard. His IQ? 63

JOHNNY UNITAS - Speaking of shitty crew cuts, Johnny Unitas looked like the retarded son of a farm couple. You know, the one that is kept in the basement so he doesn't scare the shit out of all the neighbors. That one. But, on the plus side, his name is suspiciously close to that of All-American quarterback and world champion surfer and crack FBI agent Johnny Utah. That alone boosts his IQ by ten whole points. The final number? 74

ROGER STAUBACH - Roger Staubach was a Navy man, which means that he had to go through one of the most academically rigorous course loads in the country in order to graduate from college. On the other hand, he is worshipped by dudes named Jim-Bob and he looks suspiciously like Darrell Waltrip, who is basically an escapee from the set of Hee-Haw. Truly, Staubach is a man of great contradictions. His IQ? 101

BOB GRIESE - Bob Griese wore glasses which automatically leads one to assume that he was a nerd and therefore intelligent. But, since I am a scientist, I can tell you that this only means that his eyes were legally retarded. Also, he has trouble completing a thought without stumbling over his words. The English language, which he has spoken for 65 years, is too much for him to handle. His IQ? 56

TERRY BRADSHAW - Oh, Jesus. Look, do I really need to say anything about this fucking hick? His IQ? 28. Yes, I am aware that this means that he cannot even feed himself.

KEN STABLER - A great man. Like Joe Namath, he recognized that playing football was merely a doorway to crushing ass. Also, he spent most of his career shitfaced and still managed to be successful. Also also, it would not surprise me to see him make a cameo as a power boat racer with bikini girls draped all over him in the Gulf of Mexico in a Girls Gone Wild flick. What does that have to do with his intelligence? Who fucking cares? Besides, I'm a scientist and these things are beyond your mortal comprehension. His IQ? 212

JIM PLUNKETT - Jim Plunkett graduated from Stanford, which - apologies to my friend and Berkeley man Mr. Rose - means that he has to be at least fairly intelligent. On the other hand, he once appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated looking like a retarded seven year old who just saw a red balloon at the circus so we'll assume he just had really good tutors. His IQ? 63

JOE MONTANA - It was pointed out to me by reader, commenter and my fellow Man of True Genius, Scott aka UpHere, that Joe Montana has the mien of a serial killer. This is true. He has the dull, vacant eyes of a man who wouldn't think twice about wearing your head for a hat on a cross country trip. But don't be fooled! Most serial killers are psychopaths who are actually incredibly intelligent. His IQ? 151

JOE THEISMANN - lololol His IQ? 17

JIM MCMAHON - Jim McMahon convinced everyone that he wore sunglasses because he had some sort of fucked up eye condition. This made him a celebrity. Which means that Jim McMahon managed to parlay football and a pair of sunglasses into fame. It didn't matter that he actually kind of sucked and was a shitty rapper. He was like Superman. No, I'm not sure how that makes sense either, but fuck it, sometimes science is baffling even to me and I'm a scientist. His IQ? 128

PHIL SIMMS - Phil Simms looked like he should have been standing behind Stan Gable while he taunted Lewis Skolnick and Ogre beat the shit out of Takashi. Of course, those fucking Alpha Betas ended up living in the gym while the nerds banged the holy hell out of Betty Grable. That's right. Betty Grable was Community Property. I know, I don't like it either, but those nerds were fucking autocrats, man. They ruled Adams University with an iron fist. They brooked no dissent and they took what - and who - they wanted. Fucking despicable, but they won those Greek Games so what can you do? What does this have to do with Phil Simms? I don't know. Science is a mystery. His IQ? 61

DOUG WILLIAMS - Doug Williams once appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the word WOW! next to him. This is because the people at Sports Illustrated were racist and couldn't believe that a black man could win the Super Bowl. Well, fuck you, Sports Illustrated, you bunch of Goddamn bigots. Doug Williams actually spent his offseasons teaching astrophysics at Oxford. Legend has it that he once beat Stephen Hawking at a home game of Jeopardy. Hawking became so incensed that he flopped out of his chair and tried crawling after a laughing Williams. Everyone thought it was hilarious and after they finally made up thanks to a handful of pills and a bottle of Wild Turkey, the two giants of science reportedly double teamed a stripper named Tits Q. Einstein that Stephen Hawking kept as a personal "escort". Doug Williams' IQ? 218.

JEFF HOSTETLER - Jeff Hostetler looked like a cross between a Nascar driver and a '70s porn star. His IQ? 73

MARK RYPIEN - Our very own Raven Mack recently admitted that he doesn't like Mark Rypien much and I trust his judgment completely. Therefore, fuck Mark Rypien. His IQ? Fuck, I don't know . . . 82.

TROY AIKMAN - I don't even know how Troy Aikman clothes and feeds himself. Today, his many concussions have rendered him a human vegetable whose body is operated like a puppet by Joe Buck. It's fucking obscene and inhumane but we live in strange and terrible times. As a player, Troy Aikman was shook by a man of true dignity and genius, a fellow scientist named Barry Switzer. Aikman both ran away from Switzer in college and got all pissy about playing for him in the pros. This is because Aikman was intimidated by Switzer's vast intellect. After all, Barry Switzer knew how to brew some quality moonshine using only an ear of corn and a hot plate. Could Troy Aikman do that shit? Hell no. Troy Aikman's IQ? 57

STEVE YOUNG - Like Aikman, Young has been rendered severely retarded by numerous concussions. Young is a renowned milk drinker, aka a Mormon and because he has forever shunned alcohol, his brain never developed the way that it should have which probably made him more susceptible to those concussions. It's a complicated deal involving the bonding of alcohol atoms with brain atoms and I wouldn't expect you to understand, but I was assured by a man claiming to be in possession of Albert Einstein's brain that this was the case. The man wore a diaper and he had no teeth, but he carried around a jar with what looked to be a brain floating in it and so I believe him. Steve Young's IQ? 69(heh . . .)

BRETT FAVRE - Brett Favre is from Mississippi. His IQ? 53.

JOHN ELWAY - John Elway looked like he was the product of a drunken one night stand between a man and a horse. Even if it was an exceptionally intelligent horse, it was still a horse, you know? His IQ? 46.

KURT WARNER - Kurt Warner is a good, moral man. His IQ? 63

TRENT DILFER - Trent Dilfer always looked like he just got woken up by the cops after being found passed out on the beach. I can respect this. He also managed, like Jim McMahon, to piggyback his way to glory, riding in the sidecar of Ray Lewis' death cycle. Who was going to talk shit about Trent Dilfer with Ray Lewis and his crazy eyes(and knife)staring back at them? Shit, Trent Dilfer was smart enough to make the right friends. His IQ? 117

TOM BRADY - Tom Brady is the Ideal American Man(After me, of course.) He knocked up a hot actress, dumped her and then knocked up a hot supermodel. I know a lot of you probably hate him, but to quote another True Genius, my friend Andrew, hatred stems from jealous thoughts. Science conspired with God to create Tom Brady as the avatar of the ideal human condition. No, I don't have an erection right now. Why do you ask? His IQ? 268

BRAD JOHNSON - Who cares? His IQ? 96

BEN ROETHLISBERGER - The man can't even keep his dick in his pants. He's like the retarded kid in school who takes his pants off for no reason and then starts playing with himself while the teacher hustles everyone out of the room. He later ends up in a "special" school, where he is forced to wear pants that are padlocked on and mittens so he can't even work the zipper. His IQ? 32

PEYTON MANNING - From Mississippi. His IQ? 65

ELI MANNING - From Mississippi. Also, his eyes looked fucked up. Possibly inbred. His IQ? 42

DREW BREES - Drew Brees seems to be reasonably intelligent, but then again, he has a huge birthmark on the side of his face, which I am told by the grandson of L. Ron Hubbard, author of Dianetics and founder of Scientology which has science right in the name, signifies that Brees has been marked by God as defective. His IQ? 87


THE SUPER BOWL LOSERS

Note: Some of these will be duplicates from the winners section. Therefore, we will skip the explanations for those ones here but their numbers will still be calculated in the losers' average. I'm on this shit!

DARYLE LAMONICA - Daryle Lamonica was beloved by Al Davis because he could throw a ball really far and therefore is kind of the Godfather of all Raiders quarterbacks. This means something. I'm not sure what, but it means something, you know? On the other hand, he spells his name "Daryle". Sure, that's on his parents, but intelligence is hereditary(science!)and so this does not speak well for him. His IQ? 72

EARL MORRALL - He was named Earl and also had that Unitas crew cut that made him look like one of the Munsters or something. His IQ? 52

JOE KAPP - Joe Kapp was on a cover of Sports Illustrated that made him look like a cross between Sloth from Goonies and Mongo from Blazing Saddles. His IQ? 51

CRAIG MORTON - Shit, I don't know. What do you assholes want from me? Science wouldn't give me a valid reason for this one, but who are any of us to argue with Science? His IQ? 75

BILLY KILMER - I - I mean Science - found a picture of Billy Kilmer wearing a Hawaiian shirt. This means he probably likes to drink. And thanks to the Atom Bonding theory between alcohol and the brain that was discussed earlier, this means that his brain developed at a rate ahead of the average brain. Again, this is straight science. His IQ? 156

FRAN TARKENTON - His name is Fran and he looks like a shitty motivational speaker. Then again, motivational speakers are experts at fleecing idiots out of the gold bricks they have buried in their backyard. He might be a complete asshole, but he's probably not a moron. His IQ? 123

VINCE FERRAGAMO - This dude looked like he was dragged off of a Hollywood sound stage. He probably could have made a living shooting commercials and banging the entire population of Malibu. I would have respected that. Instead, he decided to become a mediocre football player, which means that by the time he was 30, his brain probably looked like that of an 87 year old with Alzheimer's.(Hey, isn't football fun?) His IQ? 67

RON JAWORSKI - I feel bad for Ron Jaworski. He actually seems way too intelligent for the rest of the mongs at ESPN. He's kinda treated like a nerd by everyone else, presumably because he's not a dumb meathead, but shit, this dude was an NFL player. Fuck you, Merril Hoge. Jaworksi's IQ? 137

KEN ANDERSON - Ken Anderson looked like the most average human being who ever lived. He looked more like a dude who would end up getting pistol whipped by his ex-wife's new boyfriend because he refused to give up their trailer in the divorce settlement than an NFL quarterback. That kind of took a weird turn, didn't it? Oh well. His IQ? 84

DAVID WOODLEY - Jesus, aren't we done yet? Anyway, Science couldn't really find a good picture of this dude. Then again, Science didn't really look too hard. Fuck it, even Science has its limits. I asked Science what it thought and it just shrugged and said 94, so David Woodley's IQ? 94

DAN MARINO - Dan Marino used to have a hilarious looking perm. Plus, he just seems like the sort of guy who tries really, really hard, but you end up feeling bad when you're out playing golf and he struggles to add up the scores and you suggest that maybe you should just go get some beers and figure it out later and he gets all mad and says "I can do this!" and then it gets all quiet and awkward and he finally finishes adding it up and he seems so proud of himself and then you go back and add it up later and realize he made a mistake but you don't want to hurt his feelings and so you keep on pretending that he shot a 72 even though he really shot a 76 until two weeks later when he's still bragging and you just lose it and embarrass him in front of everyone and then you never really hang out again except for in groups and he won't make eye contact with you. His IQ? 56

TONY EASON - Whose idea was it to write this damn thing? Science? Fuck you, Science. Asshole. Tony Eason's IQ? 78

BOOMER ESIASON - Come on now, the guy willingly goes by the name Boomer. His IQ? 68

JIM KELLY - Jim Kelly looks like he spends half of his time hiding in a barn, scared that George will punish him for petting rabbits too hard. What, I already used the rabbits thing? Wait, who am I talking to? Is that you, Science? I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. Jim Kelly's IQ? 52

STAN HUMPHRIES - Stan Humphries is from Louisiana, which means that there is a good chance he is descended - at least partially - from Willie Young, who reportedly impregnated as many as 10,000 women when he was ruling over the Bayou. Therefore, if he is blessed with even a portion of the intellect of the Great Willie Young, then he is a man of True Genius. Stan Humphries' IQ? 167

NEIL O'DONNELL - Is named Neil. His IQ? 317

DREW BLEDSOE - Dared to stand in the way of the Golden Child, Tom Brady. This shows a remarkable lack of intellect. His IQ? 47

CHRIS CHANDLER - May be the most average man who ever lived. His IQ? 100.

STEVE MCNAIR - Couldn't keep his whores in line. Harsh? Perhaps, but Science is merciless. Steve McNair's IQ? 64.

KERRY COLLINS - Kerry Collins was run out of Carolina because he was a possible racist. That's right. Kerry Collins was too racist for North Carolina. Also, how dumb do you have to be to straight up use a racial slur to the face of a dude named Muhsin Muhammad? I mean, what the fuck? His IQ? 9

RICH GANNON - Rich Gannon imploded in the Super Bowl, which leads me to believe that the pressure was too much for his simple brain to take. His IQ? 67

JAKE DELHOMME - From Louisiana. Specifically, from the bayou. Therefore, almost certainly a descendant of the Great Willie Young. His IQ? 185

DONOVAN MCNABB - Puked during the Super Bowl. Seemingly overwhelmed at the end of games. May be legitimately kind of dumb. Best known to a non-football following audience as the dude whose mom makes him look like an idiot in soup commercials. His IQ? 62

MATT HASSELBECK - Shares DNA with brother Tim, who married Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Therefore, Science can only conclude that he is a bit of a simpleton. Also, he is prematurely bald, which according to my high school biology teacher means that his brain is tiny and has eaten all his hair in an effort to sustain itself. Science is fucked up! His IQ? 54

REX GROSSMAN - HAHAHAHA! The Sex Cannon's IQ? 53


Okay, well shit. Let's see what these numbers mean, now shall we? Upon careful examination of the numbers, we find that the average IQ of a Super Bowl winning QB is 93.84, which according to my research and also the insistence of my assistant, a chimpanzee I "rescued" from the zoo, means that the average Super Bowl winning quarterback's intelligence is slightly below average.

Meanwhile, the average IQ of the Super Bowl losing QB is a mere 85.43, which, again according to my meticulous research, means that the average Super Bowl losing quarterback is "dull." Another way to put this is that they are fucking dumb. Science is kind of an asshole, but what can you do? He defeated Faith in a bloody cage match during the Age of Reason. The two later patched things up but most people still mistakenly believe they are enemies and so they often conform to people's base stereotypes. I try to get them to change this but usually Faith scolds me for jacking off and tells me that I'm going to Hell while Science insists that if I sit on my left hand, it will go numb and then it will feel like I'm not jacking off at all but instead am getting a handie. Science tells me if I just close my eyes and pretend, then it really does work. Science calls this "The Stranger" and one time I mentioned that pretending seems to run counter to the idea of reason but Science just slapped the shit out of me and when I complained to Faith he just told me that I should have known better and not to cry to him about "spilled milk" so to speak. The two will then go out drinking together and leave me chained to the radiator so I can "think about what I did wrong."

Ahem. Anyway, we have conclusively proven that the intelligence of a quarterback does indeed make a difference when it comes to winning or losing on the grandest stage of them all. This is inarguable and anyone who disagrees with my findings is a heretic and should be burned at the stake. I'm sorry, but this is just the way it is.

But what does this mean for Matthew Stafford, our golden boy quarterback? Well, Matthew seems to understand the lessons of Joe Namath and Ken Stabler, which tell us that the smart quarterbacks parlay their success into crushing ass. Matthew Stafford is well known for hanging out with random pieces of tail and we can only assume that as his fame grows, so will his harem. This is a good sign. On the other hand, he vaguely looks like a rabbit petter, which as we known from the exploits of Lennie Small(My term for George Foster. By the way, I might have to come up with a FAQ some day for all the newer readers in order to explain all the assorted weird shit/pet names.)is not a good thing.

However, young Matthew has also drawn praise from his coaches for his ability to both study film and read a defense. This is a good sign, which, when taken with his willingness to learn from the greats, men such as Namath and Stabler, means that we can estimate his IQ at 154, which means that he is considerably smarter than the average Super Bowl winning quarterback and that we can look forward to no less that seven Super Bowl championships while he is here with us in Detroit. Again, this is the conclusion of Science and Science doesn't lie. Unless it's to get laid.

There. How's that for some fuckin' analysis? I hope this pleases that Lord of the Blogosphere, that champion of News and Analysis, whose Twitter pronouncement shook the very nature of the blogging world to its foundations. I hope I have now earned my place in your great halls, even if it is to clean the floors with rags while you and your mighty peers sit at your Round Table of Knowledge and shape the world for generations to come. I humbly beseech you to look upon me with kindness and with great mercy and remember my name, even if it is only as a whisper in the back of your Great Brain, when you stand before the Halls of Enlightenment and accept the thanks and praises of a world that would be lost without you.

Eternally, your humble acolyte,

Neil

PS: Anyone who isn't already can embrace Science with me on twitter: twitter.com/armchairlb

Tim Toone

Well, finally. Tim Toone. I meant to do this yesterday, but I was busy writing an article about Lance Armstrong and being berated by bicycle enthusiasts. Apparently, cycling is SERIOUS BUSINESS and Lance Armstrong is THE MOST COURAGEOUS MAN WHO EVER LIVED. Cycling Nazis, I apologize for my hubris. Anyway, even after all that, I still meant to do the Tim Toone breakdown. But . . . I didn't.

Okay. The thing is, is that I just haven't wanted to do it. I mean, really, what is there to say? The dude was the last pick in the draft. There's not a lot there to work with. But, since I am a gentleman and a warrior of light in these dark and troubled times, I feel compelled to do it anyway. After all, that is what separates us from the barbarians.

When Tim Toone was drafted, two things went through my mind.(Well, three, if you count "Who?") The first was that I was disappointed the Lions didn't draft Donovan Warren, a player who will make it in the NFL even if he wasn't drafted and who plays a position of need. Honestly, from a quality standpoint, there's not that much difference between Warren and Amari Spievey. It wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world to grab them both, you know? But that is all so much crying over so much spilled, rancid milk and we have more important things to attend to. My next thought, after I had exiled Warren from the wild halls of my brain, was something like "Oh shit. Maybe Al Toon had an illegitimate son." Never mind that Tim is white and that his name is spelled differently, I wanted to believe this. Why? Who fucking knows. Maybe I just liked the idea of someone with Al Toon's genes slipping to us late in the draft.

But again, in the end, that is entirely irrelevant since it is grounded in nothing but my own absurd fantasies. So what we're left with is a collection of thoughts that are utterly irrelevant to the matter at hand. Not the best way to start, I'll admit, but it does raise a crucial point: when Tim Toone was drafted, he was such a non-entity to me that my brain immediately began searching for things that actually did make sense to me. Tim Toone was just a name. Connecting him with something tangible was, for the moment, impossible, and so I did what I had to do in order to make him something beyond a name.

Perhaps that doesn't make much sense, but fuck it, nothing about me makes much sense. You should know that by now. However, in the months since the draft, those initial thoughts have slid into the rubbish bin of history and have been replaced by the rudimentary outline of an actual human being and potentially useful football player.

As a football player, the picture I'm left with when it comes to Tim Toone is of an undersized slot receiver who showed decent speed at Weber St. and was very, very productive. That's not a bad picture. However, the knock on Toone is that he really doesn't have a second gear, meaning that while his speed was good for Weber St., for the NFL, it's actually probably fairly substandard. So the picture now becomes undersized slot receiver who was highly productive in college. Not quite as nice, but still, not horrible.

Look, the simple fact is that Tim Toone really doesn't have much of an upside. He is what he is, which is a not quite talented enough receiver who will work hard and give you everything he's got. That's nice and all, but not exactly inspiring. Toone will probably never be a starter in the NFL. He could stick as a fifth receiver and provide help on special teams, and I think that's probably all the Lions are hoping for here.

The thing about Toone that I think the Lions probably liked is that he is a high character guy who will bust his ass for them. If he doesn't work out, well, at least they gave a dude like that a shot. If he does, then hell, that's a dude you can feel good about having on your team.

That's nice and all, but as most of your probably know, I tend to cringe at that high character MADE OF SPUNK AND GRIT bullshit. I think it's pointless, a ridiculous platitude that occasionally smacks of latent racism, the whole LOOK AT THE WHITE BOY WORK HE'S NOT LAZY LIKE THOSE COLORED FELLAS. It's incredibly distasteful and unfortunately all too prevalent in virtually every fanbase.

Still, there might actually be something to the whole TIM TOONE IS A GOOD MAN stuff that has risen up since he was drafted. But before we get to that, I think I need to comment on Tim Toone's appearance. The dude has those goofy white boy dreads, and if I can bring this thing full circle, he kind of looks like a dreadlocked Lance Armstrong. This is not really a judgment or anything. On the one hand, the dreads make it pretty clear that he's not the uptight farm boy type, which is a plus. On the other, he looks like Lance Armstrong with dreads. That's hard for someone like me - a man who pounces on anything with even the faintest hint of comedy potential like some sort of ghoulish vampire werewolf - to look beyond. I'll admit it. I'm going to have a tough time with this.

Okay, moving on. Tim Toone does indeed seem to be a good dude. He's a Bible reader, which a lot of the time will not endear you to me. It's nothing against religious people. Believe it or not, I consider myself a fairly spiritual dude. I just tend to have a real problem with the idea of organized religion. But I really, really don't want to get into a religious debate here and have some sort of blogger holy war erupt. So I'll just leave it at this: I have absolutely no problem with someone who has strong faith. There are a lot of good people out there who believe strongly, people who read the Bible every day and who consider themselves very, very Christian. These are often the very first people to lend you a helping hand, smile at you, say a few kind words and actually, you know, behave like Christians. I love those people. Some of them can be a bit goofy and I'm always worried that I'm going to offend them, but those are people you want in your corner.

Most "Christians" are not like that. They are assholes who pervert and hide behind religion in order to throw around their own small minded bullshit. This is not a problem unique to Christianity by the way, so don't freak out and think that I'm somehow persecuting those poor, disadvantaged white people who have never gotten a fair shake in America's long history. I know you fellas have never had anyone to speak for you and so you're pretty sensitive. Ahem. Shit, this is threatening to turn really political, which is something I have consciously tried to avoid here. But all this needed to be mentioned if I was going to talk about Tim Toone, and if I was going to mention it, well then I needed to make some things clear, and if I was going to make some things clear, then I was almost certainly going to start making fun of puritanical assholes who have an incredibly undeserved persecution complex. It's just the way it is.

But moving on, Tim Toone really seems to be the sort of Christian dude who backs it up. He's that first sort, the ultra-helpful dude who actually puts that shit into practice. He doesn't yammer on about it. He just lives it, and that's an admirable thing. You see, while he was at Weber St., Toone left on a Mormon mission to West Africa.

Look, Mormons take a lot of shit, on account that they are both uber-white and uber-conservative. A Mormon and I probably wouldn't get very far before one of us punched the other one. It's just the way it is. Some of those dudes and lady dudes are just hella-goofy, you know? But I will at least give them a chance to prove that they aren't uptight assholes. And, shit, Tim Toone spent two years in fucking West Africa. That place is hardcore as hell. I am not about to shit talk someone for their beliefs when their beliefs landed them in the middle of an apocalyptic war zone where toddlers carjack you with UZIs and dudes with no arms chase after you with grenades tucked in their toes. If you are the type of Christian who is willing to put yourself in that environment just because you want to help people, then you're okay with me.

I mean, shit, Tim Toone has probably seen things, you know? I'm talking some wild shit. He's probably had to watch little babies knife fighting in the streets, or had to run from a pack of machete wielding gorillas. And no, that wasn't a typo. I didn't mean guerillas. I meant actual gorillas, giant monkeys with crude machetes, heads full of hatred and with malice in their dark hearts. That part of Africa is a fucked up place. Tim Toone spent two years there. This is no college boy, no goofy white dude with dreads because he thinks it might get him laid. No, Tim Toone is a man. And he has my utmost respect, for whatever little that's worth.

Will Tim Toone ever be a star in the NFL. No. He's already 25, thanks to that tour of duty in Africa, and physically he's just not quite good enough. But he's a man, and sometimes what a man brings to the table can't quite be quantified. I would have liked to have seen the Lions go for somebody with that pick with a little more upside, but I'm not going to complain about them giving a chance to someone like Tim Toone either. After what he's seen, nothing in the NFL is going to intimidate him, and that just might be his greatest asset, and the thing that will give him a chance to make it after all.

HOW HE FITS WITH THE LIONS

The Lions needed another body to compete for the fifth receiver spot and Tim Toone gives them one. Aside from that, he might have enough skills to help in the return game and even if he isn't quite good enough to either stick as strictly a receiver or a return man, his toughness could lend itself well to being a special teams ace. It's this versatility which gives Toone a chance to succeed where other similarly talented players would fail.

WHAT IT MEANS FOR THIS SEASON

Not much. Let's face it. For as much as I have saluted Tim Toone in this post, the bottom line is that in the NFL, on that field, no one gives a shit if you spent two years cradling dying orphans while bullets flew around you or if you spent two years running drugs and whores out of your dorm room. You can either play or you can't. It may be harsh, but that is the nature of sport. It is naked, it is ugly, it is brutal and it is primal. There is no room for human interest stories. There is just winning and losing. The Lions know this. We know this. Tim Toone knows this. If he can help the team win, then great. If he can't, then he and Lt. Campbell will have a nice time touring America, giving speeches in high school gyms together.

At best, Tim Toone can make the team as a fifth receiver who can also get down the field and cover kickoffs. More likely, Tim Toone won't ever be mentioned again by me or anyone else who writes about the Lions.

WHAT IT MEANS FOR THE FUTURE

Again, not much. If Tim Toone manages to somehow stick with the Lions, he'll probably become a fan favorite, both on account of his African safari and because of the fact that, well, I hate to say it but let's be blunt here, his overwhelming whiteness. But this will no doubt be all out of proportion with his actual contributions on the field. If anything, we'll hear a bunch of gibberish about his contributions in the locker room and I will eventually grow to despise him. It sucks, but that's just the way it is. It's probably a good thing for all of us then that he probably won't even make the team. Good luck, Tim Toone. You are probably a hell of a dude and I salute you. Now, I kinda hope I never have to talk about you again. Vaya con dios.