Saturday, March 6, 2010

Welcome to Hell, Boys. Now Let's Get the Hell Out of . . . uh, Hell.

Sometimes, you just gotta take that plunge, you know?


Every year, when the time comes for free agents to scurry off to their new homes, Lions fans take a deep breath, hold it, and hope that the Lions do something - anything - to improve the team. And then, usually, the Lions go out and sign a collection of scrubs and has-beens, the fans all exhale, shrug their shoulders and we all move on, vaguely disappointed and yet, oddly gratified. Because, to be honest, there is nothing the average shithead Lions fan likes more than saying "I told you so."

It is utterly annoying and after a while you kinda want to just grab them and shake them for a while, maybe throw them by their clothes in a display of Judo so fierce that it would make Jigoro Kano tremble and fall to his knees in reverence. It's a reaction that is just so stale and so played out. Yeah, I get it, the Lions suck and have always sucked and no one will ever want to play here because who would ever do such a thing ps Lions are the sucksorz lololololol. How original and helpful. Thank you, now shut the fuck up.

Look, I can be apocalyptically negative, so really, I'm the last person who should ever bitch about people being down on their team, but really, that's not what this is all about. It's about the blind cynicism which so many Lions fans have, those would be jokesters who stumble over themselves to respond to the question of "How do the Lions get better" with something like "Well, they should just disband the team," like they are the very first people on the face of the earth to have the gigantic brain to make such a joke. It's old, it's boring, and it's fucking sad.

Look, I know that it's a defense mechanism, a way to keep yourself from being disappointed yet again, but really it just looks thoughtless, shallow and banal. That sort of fatalism is weak as hell.

Of course, I am sure that somebody out there is scoffing and saying that it's better than just being a blind optimist and then getting crushed when the team goes nowhere yet again. And you know what? You're right. Sort of, anyway. I mean, that person is an idiot too. It's not worse though and it's not better. It's just the same. Blind cynicism and blind optimism are both the refuges of the stupid and the frightened. They require no thought, no real faith, just a stupid adherence to a stupid belief rooted in nothing other than your own ignorance. There is no why behind it, no real hopes, no real fears, just a tired frustrating recitation of well worn clichés.

It's fine to be optimistic and it's fine to be pessimistic. It's cool to say "Man, I think we have a shot, but I'm worried about the secondary," or "Man, we're probably going to suck again but that Stafford kid looks good, so who knows?" I mean, just be honest about the situation. Actually look at it and weigh the shit on its own merits, not on the fact that the Lions have disappointed you in the past or on the fact that you loved Barry Sanders once upon a time. I have infinitely more respect for someone who looks at this situation and says "You know what? I think we could be pretty good in a couple of years if things break right," than someone who doesn't look at it at all and then just laughs, makes some lame joke and then says "Same old Lions, amirite?" Honest appraisal, that's all I'm asking for.

Of course, that doesn't mean that you can't veer into the ugly and the ridiculous. I am brutal as hell, but I keep an open mind, and that's basically all you need to do. Just don't close yourself off to possibilities and you won't be an asshole.

Okay, with that ridiculous preamble out of the way, let's see how the Lions actually did at the start of the free agent bonanza this year.

Well, they did pretty good. I know, not exactly hard hitting analysis, but to be honest there is a lot here to like and a lot to be wary about. They picked up three key players, all of whom should start next season, and all three have shown that they can be difference makers in the NFL. All three have also shown, however, that they can be a little enigmatic, and all three bring question marks with them as they ride into Detroit and while once again we all hold our breath and hope and pray that this time, things will be different.

We start with the first move the Lions made, a trade just before midnight, acquiring Corey Williams, a defensive tackle, from the Browns for one of our fifth round picks. The good news is that Williams is a big, explosive guy, who, a few seasons ago in Green Bay, showed an ability to be a big time pass rusher out of the 3 technique. The bad news is that he then went to Cleveland and shit the bed.

Okay, so which guy are we getting, the one who raised hell in Green Bay, acquired the franchise tag and brought a second rounder in exchange for his services, or the dude who languished in Cleveland, and was eventually exiled for a mere fifth rounder? Well, I'm more inclined to believe that we'll see the Corey Williams of the Packers and I will tell you why. When he was traded to the Browns, the Browns were in the midst of switching to the 3-4. This meant that they shot Williams out to defensive end where he struggled. He was never able to play the position - the 3 technique defensive tackle spot - where he had proven so disruptive with the Packers. So I'm inclined to think that his struggles weren't entirely his fault and can be laid more at the feet of the idiot Cleveland coaches.

The good news is that, with the Lions, Williams will be dropped back into his old position, where he is presumably much more comfortable and much more able. He should line up as the starter next to - one would think - Sammie Lee Hill, meaning that the middle of the defensive line looks much more formidable than it did just a couple of days ago. If you factor in the possibility that the Lions end up with Ndamukong Suh or Gerald McCoy in the draft and suddenly an area which seemed a black hole of chaos and despair only a year ago now looks like a potential strength, and a formidable one at that.

The Lions also signed a wide receiver, Nate Burleson, and like Williams, he brings some questions with him. Formally a Vikings player on the rise, Burleson managed to climb above the 1,000 yard barrier with the Vikings before promptly being stolen away by Seattle, where he then proceeded to be injured for most of the next few seasons. The good news is that Burleson caught 63 passes for 812 yards last year, meaning that he should be a huge upgrade over Johnson the Lesser, Northcutt the Lame and the rest of the parade of fools the Lions trot out every week to take some of the heat off of Calvin Johnson.

The bad news, though, is, following the 1,000 yard season and prior to last season's resurgence, he put up the following yardage totals: 328, 192, 694 and 60. Yes, 60. What that points to is a player who just cannot stay healthy. Even last year, he ended up missing the final three games of the season, which cost him a shot at his second 1,000 yard campaign.

The bottom line is that if Burleson is healthy, he will be an effective complement to St. Calvin and should put up decent numbers with Matthew Stafford throwing him the ball. He'll see single coverage and he has the sort of ability to exploit that and make other teams shy away from doubling up Calvin Johnson which should in turn open up St. Calvin to run wild. In many ways, as odd as it sounds, Burleson might be the key to the offense. If he's healthy and effective, then the whole field opens up for Calvin and then the sky is the limit for how explosive the Lions offense can be. But, that all hinges on Burleson staying healthy, and, uh . . . well, 60 yards that one season, dude. 60.

Finally, the Lions signed Kyle Vanden Bosch. He's the biggest name of the dudes the Lions picked up and he's definitely the big time free agent the Lions have failed to sign over the last several years of terrible pain. He will step in right away at defensive end and be a sure starter at a position of great need.

The good news, of course, is that Vanden Bosch has been a Pro Bowl caliber player for much of his career, capable of getting to the quarterback while stopping the run. He's got a big frame - 6'4" and around 270 lbs. - which means he fits the mold of what Jim Schwartz is looking for at defensive end better than anyone else already on the team with the possible exception of Jason Hunter. Schwartz is also very familiar with Vanden Bosch(I originally wrote 'intimately familiar' and was immediately disturbed and then my mind went to a . . . dark place. I will say no more.), due to the fact that he was his defensive coordinator with the Titans.

It is reassuring that Schwartz apparently camped out on Vanden Bosch's doorstep prior to the starting gun of the free agency derby, because, while kinda creepy, it also means that he really, really, really wanted Vanden Bosch with the Lions. And he got him, so hooray for that and all.

The bad news is that Vanden Bosch has kind of struggled the past two seasons with the Titans. Two years ago, he missed almost half the season due to injury and a lot of his struggles that season can be blamed on that. I mean, this was a dude who averaged 10 sacks a game with Tennessee prior to that season, when he only had 4.5. Had he been healthy for the whole season, his total would have at least approached 10 and no one would have worried. But last year, he was healthy and he only racked up 3 sacks. That's a little alarming, no? Even more troubling - at least I think so - is that Vanden Bosch only managed 56 tackles a year ago after averaging 86 during his previous healthy time with the Titans. That points to a player whose play is tailing off. I mean, it's one thing to have the sack count be a little low. You can say okay, maybe he's still kicking ass against the run. But the overall tackle numbers show that wasn't the case either. He was a dude who simply was not as effective as he has been in the past.

Why is this? Well, it's possible - perhaps even probable - that Vanden Bosch was still working to get back to full capacity following his injury plagued 2008 campaign. But that is just baseless speculation and it's quite possible I am just making an ass out of myself. The true culprit, I suspect, is the fact that Vanden Bosch is 31 years old, meaning he is on the brink of that terrible wall that a lot of players hit, that age when they seemingly inexplicably lose just that little bit of explosion that is the difference between mediocre and great. This is not good news.

What is good news is that Schwartz still loves the guy, apparently telling him that he had watched all the film from the past couple of years and he still saw the same player that he knew when they were both in Tennessee, and that there were just one or two little things that needed to be tweaked. This tells me that Schwartz saw something wrong with Vanden Bosch's technique, not his ability, meaning that Schwartz thinks that Vanden Bosch's decline is something that is reversible, and since Schwartz made his name as a defensive coordinator, and since he made that name with the Titans and Vanden Bosch by his side, he probably knows what he's talking about.

I am cautiously optimistic here. The Vanden Bosch signing is a good one - a necessary one - regardless. At the very least, he is a presence, a name, someone the Lions can point to as a reason to hope, as a reason for other players to take a chance with them. But I don't want him to be just a figurehead and neither does Jim Schwartz. Schwartz is expecting Vanden Bosch to be a true difference maker and so I will hold my breath and take the plunge. I might drown in a sea of despair and regret, but fuck it, at least I dove deep and didn't wade in the shallow end looking like a jackass.

Believe or don't believe. But, fuck, at least make the attempt. I like what the Lions did - I really do. Are there question marks? Sure. There always are. But there is an upside here that doesn't usually exist with the dudes the Lions sign. Usually, I am frantically trying to talk myself into each player - think Phillip Buchanon - even though I know deep down - or hell, maybe not so deep down - that the dude is going to bomb. Here, I don't feel that way. These are dudes who have gotten it done before and the questions that surround them are not so much about their abilities but about extenuating circumstances that won't necessarily follow them to Detroit. Burleson just needs to stay healthy, Williams just needs to get back to his natural position and Vanden Bosch . . . well, he needs to . . . get younger? Okay, Vanden Bosch's might be a little tougher to fix, but even there, it seems like Schwartz is banking on it being a simple technique issue, which is obviously fixable, and since I am an optimist and a gentleman, I will be brave and assume that he is correct.

You can all laugh at me later, but fuck it, sometimes you just have to believe, you know? Is that corny? Maybe. But it's not all werewolves and Nazis and vampire apes, you know? That would just be a cartoon. It's a fine line to walk, but only the brave and the righteous manage to walk it, and in the end, it's the only way that I know how to be a fan - ugly and raw, brutal and unflinching, but hopeful and honest. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. But this is just the way of things, and to deny that is utter foolishness, and since we are not fools, but champions in our hearts, this is how it must be.

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