This One Will Probably Be Ugly

I can't tell whether this dude is yawning or roaring. Perhaps he started out roaring, got bored and yawned halfway through. Who knows?

Before I get this nonsense going, I figured I would get in a little plug for heavy.com, who in their infinite wisdom, or perhaps foolishness, are paying me to write shit for them. If you click on the tag labeled comedy, it will open up a vast wonderland of laughter that will leave you breathless and vomiting onto the floor. You will shit your pants with the uncontrolled fury of he who has been taken hostage by the pleasure center of his brain. Look around, and you will find some shit written by dear old me - you know, the usual gibberish about Bigfoot, drunkenness and scandalous football stars. Check it out, there is always some funny stuff there from a whole host of funny people. While you're there, you might as well check out the other sections too. There's a sports tag, where you can find some good stuff by some good writers, particularly a certain Mr. Shields and a certain Mr. Snowden. There's a music section with some good stuff in it, a movie section that breaks down the news from the silver screen, a game section for all you nerds, and even a style section, because in these troubled times, it's important to look better than your degenerate neighbor. Okay, plug over, back to the usual bullshit.

Now that I have given heavy.com an extra four readers, I can sleep easy. At least until I remember that the Lions are playing the Steelers this weekend. You know the Steelers, right? The defending Super Bowl champs with the ferocious defense whose prime directive is to kill the quarterback and anyone else unlucky or foolish enough to find themselves with the ball in their hands? Yeah, those guys.

The good news is that the Steelers haven't exactly looked like the Steelers so far this season. They're a middling 2-2 and their vaunted defense hasn't exactly been ripping heads off and shitting down throats. At least not to the extent that they did last season. So, uh, that's good I guess. A big part of this is because Troy Polamalu has been injured, meaning that the Steelers have lost the lynchpin of their secondary and a dude who acts like an extra linebacker in the run game. That's a tough piece to lose. Then again, they still have James Harrison, the reigning defensive player of the year, along with Lamarr Woodley, and they have defensive coordinator Dick Lebeau, whose schemes mixed with that talent make it highly likely that whoever starts at quarterback for the Lions will end up being beaten like a POW in a tiger cage.

Of course, we don't exactly know who will be starting at quarterback for the Lions because Matthew Stafford's knee cap senselessly betrayed him during his hour of need. Stafford hasn't practiced this week and the closer we get to the game, the more it seems like Jim Schwartz might just pat him on the back, hand him a visor and a clipboard and tell him to get ready for next week. Which means we get to re-experience the Daunte Culpepper era in all it's non-glory.

Fortunately for the Lions, everyone else is healthy, and . . . oh shit, what? Oh, I see. It seems that no one is healthy and everyone is day to day, so who the fuck knows who is going to play? This, uh . . . well, this does not seem to be a good sign. Everyone is banged up and even if everyone plays, no one is going to be a hundred percent. This is a thing that sucks.

Meanwhile, the Steelers have been forced to rely upon Ben Roethlisberger for the bulk of their offense. That's because Willie Parker got old and hurt in a hurry and . . . oh, wait, what? My mistake again. It seems that Rashard Mendenhall had a breakout game last weekend against San Diego, rushing for over 150 yards. Well, that's just super.

The only thing the Lions seem to have going for them is that this game is in Detroit, so, huzzah for home field advantage and all that. Look, any way you break this game down it doesn't look good for the Lions. And with Stafford likely out, there isn't even a chance to catch glimpses of the future. Instead, this one seems like it's going to be a trip in the DeLorean with that old degenerate Doc Brown back to the bad old days. Hopefully, after the game everyone remains calm and no talk radio beasts grab their pitchforks and start braying like jackasses about the same old Lions. This game is the perfect storm of suck, and the Lions are going to lose. They just are. It's not really fair or right to use this one as a barometer for anything. Let's just get it over with and try to escape with at least a shred of our dignity.

FIVE LIKELY TERRIBLE PREDICTIONS

1. Daunte Culpepper starts and puts up decent numbers - at least on the surface. He goes 23-39 for 261 yards and two touchdowns. He also throws 3 picks, including a back breaker late in the third that is returned for a touchdown. How's that for specific?

2. Kevin Smith runs for 70 yards on 20 carries. He fails to score and after the game he and Ernie Sims are busted in a morgue trying to steal shoulder parts from cadavers. They both escape and leave Sims' monkey to take the fall. The poor guy becomes a minor celebrity and is hustled out of the country into Windsor while out on bail. He receives a full pardon from President Obama and returns a conquering hero. At least until he shits in his hand and throws it at foreign dignitaries during a state dinner in his honor.

3. Calvin Johnson catches 6 passes for 110 yards and a touchdown. After the game he quotes Shakespeare, sighing and saying "Lord, what fools these mortals be." He then floats up towards heaven on the wings of angels.

4. Ben Roethlisberger throws for 250 yards and 3 touchdowns. He is seen after the game laughing on the sideline with the Undertaker of WWE fame, who tombstone piledrives each member of the Lions defense after the game. The fans at Ford Field cheer him on.

5. The Steelers actually struggle to run the ball. Mendenhall manages a few bursts here and there, but the Lions again mostly contain the opponent's best back. After the game, Gunther Cunningham hits the Undertaker with a steel chair. The Undertaker shrugs it off and choke slams him while the camera fades to black. In the studio, the analysts are stunned and speechless, and quickly turn the discussion towards the new film project starring Ford the Elder and Al Davis. Dan Marino calls it the feel good hit of next summer. Shannon Sharpe calls him an idiot and then gallops away. Boomer Esiason calls them both damn fools, looks disgusted and makes a crack at Marino's expense that Marino tries gamely to laugh off. The sexual tension between the two is extraordinary and it makes James Brown uncomfortable. He can be seen loosening his tie while Bill Cowher juts his jaw out and daydreams about Dan Snyder giving him bags full of money to coach the Redskins. It is a debacle that causes CBS to rethink their team, and fans are horrified when, a week later, Matt Millen is the primary analyst who narrates every highlight while his co-host, Wayne Fontes, slurps spaghetti in the background. CBS is taken off the air the following week and President Obama vows "Never again." Ernie Sims' monkey is named the new chairman of the FCC and a golden age of quality broadcasting ensues.

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: Steelers 38, Lions 21