Lions Season Review, Part Dos: Running Backs

Next up on our brutal odyssey is our visit to the running backs of the Detroit Lions. Prior to the season, Rod Marinelli basically forced out Mike Martz so he could rebuild the offense around a strong running game which emphasized ball control, time of possession and all that jazz. Perhaps that all sounds good in theory, but when you are going into the season with an underwear thief and a rookie as the key players in that game plan, well, you're gonna end up a lot like the Lions ended up, wandering around aimlessly, alone and afraid.

When the change was announced the Lions still had Kevin Jones on the roster, an oft injured but fairly talented back, as well as TJ Duckett, a battering ram who could provide the thunder to KJ's lightning if we are speaking strictly in overused football clichés. But then the Lions released Kevin Jones and TJ said fuck this bullshit and hopped the first flight out of town. I can't say I blame him given the killing fields that he left behind him, but unfortunately for the Lions and their fans, that left Tatum Bell. Tatum, best known for his thievery of Rudi Johnson's man panties, was probably not going to be brought back before every one else got the fuck out of town. Unfortunately, with every one else gone, he became, suddenly, the Lions last best hope for a running game. Cue the funeral music.

The Lions then drafted the uber-productive Kevin Smith, whose single season rushing total as a junior was second in NCAA history only to Barry Sanders, hallowed be thy name. Unfortunately, those numbers were put up at Central Florida and in Conference USA, so no one knew exactly what to expect. I was mildly optimistic about Smith but I worried that playing behind the Lions shitty offensive line would doom him to mediocrity, not a good place to be when the fate of the offense rests upon your shoulders.

Perhaps sensing this, the Lions worked out a host of other running back possibilities, including Cedric Benson and Shaun Alexander, before settling on Rudi Johnson, who had been cast off by the Bengals after a number of highly productive seasons. Sure, Rudi was damaged goods, but he had done it before and as a change up to Smith he seemed a better bet than Bell. Of course, what Rudi Johnson became best known for in Detroit was getting his drawers stolen by the underwear thief when he took his job. That bit of weirdness perhaps presaged what was to come, and when they show the Lions 2008 highlight tape, at least 3/4 of it will consist of people making fun of both Tatum Bell and Rudi Johnson for Hanesgate. The other 1/4 will of course be random images taken from Faces of Death videos, but that is another issue for another day.

So, how did that new power running game work out? Eh. Many people will point to the fact that the Lions often fell behind quickly, causing the Lions to air it out in their futile attempts to come from behind. This is true, but perhaps if the Lions had a stronger running game right from the start, and were capable of playing a sound, ball control style, they wouldn't have found themselves in such big holes so quickly. It's kind of a chicken or the egg sort of argument, but I simply can't agree when people say that if given a chance the Lions running game would have thrived. That is simply ignoring too many of the flaws which made such a strategy nobly futile at best, absurd and retarded at worst. For starters, the line, as I said before, is no good. It sucks and has sucked for a while now. To suddenly expect them to band together and drive opposing defenses into the sea was kind of silly. Then there is the fact that the running game was made up of a rookie and a freeballing retread. Add those two things together and even under the best of circumstances this was a running game that was probably doomed to mediocrity at best.

As the season wore on, the Lions coaching staff did do one thing right. They decided that whatever happened, Kevin Smith was going to be the man. We saw less and less of pantsless Rudi, and it became clear that Smith was going to be the guy. And the more he played, the better he became, which happens so rarely to Lions players that it was kind of hard to believe. And yet, when the Lions finally dragged their limp, beaten bodies to the finish line, Smith had a chance to reach the 1,000 yard mark as a rookie. He didn't get there, falling short like the rest of the team, but his final numbers weren't bad. 238 carries for 976 yards, 8 TDs, and a 4.1 yards per carry average is good for any back, very good for a rookie, and really, downright miraculous for a rookie running back carrying the rushing load on an 0-16 team with a barely functioning offensive line. Where it really gets interesting is when you compare his numbers to Rudi Johnson, who put up 237 yards on 76 carries with 1 TD and a 3.1 yards per carry average. What this shows is that playing behind the same line in the same offense, Smith managed a full yard per carry better than Johnson, which either speaks to the immensity of Rudi's decline or shows that Kevin Smith is actually really good. Perhaps it is a little bit of both, but I am definitely encouraged here and I think it's clear that we got a good one in Smith.

One interesting note: this is stupendously stupid and doesn't mean a thing but here are the side by side stats of Smith's rookie season and the stats from the rookie season of a well known back from the past

Smith: 238 - 976 - 8 - 4.1, with a long run of 50 yards
Anonymous Back: 241 - 937 - 11 - 3.9, with a long run of 48 yards

Pretty close. The anonymous back is Emmitt Smith. Stupid, pointless and probably meaningless, but kind of interesting anyway.

At fullback the Lions opened the season with rookie Jerome Felton. And while Felton was adequate, he was nothing special. When he was injured the Lions brought in veteran Moran Norris whose entry into the lineup coincided with Smith finding a groove at running back. It appears that the Lions found a good lead blocking fullback in Norris, something they have missed since Corey Schlesinger was with the team.

What we learned: That the Lions didn't have the horses to pull the team offensively. Up front, the Lions simply didn't have the talent to push around the lines of opposing defenses, and while Smith proved to be a potential star in the making, he alone couldn't carry the weight of the running game. Unfortunately, the way the offense was reset in the wake of Martz' ouster, the running game needed to be not only solid but relentlessly efficient if the Lions offense was going to do what it needed to do in order to compensate for a woeful defense. It wasn't, the offense sputtered and the Lions went 0-16. In order for the Lions to win in the future more balance is indeed needed, and Smith should provide a necessary first step there. But he can't do it alone, the poor bastard, and if he is forced to, it will be only a matter of time before he either gets injured or flips out, says to hell with this and finds himself as a backup with the Bears or someone. It's critical that the Lions find a compliment to Smith, both in the form of another runner and in the form of a working passing game hopefully manned by someone without a noodle for an arm or someone who isn't 300 pounds.

What we can expect: Hopefully good things. I was encouraged by Smith's progress throughout the season, and the more I look at the numbers the more I feel like he should be at the very least a solid, dependable NFL starter, something we haven't really had in years in Detroit. He should be the best running back the Lions have had since Saint Barry's spirit was broken. Hopefully the same thing won't eventually happen to him. I would like to see the Lions pursue someone to act as a decent change of pace back to spell Smith so he isn't murdered. Rudi Johnson and his 3.1 yards per carry isn't going to cut it, and hopefully someone with a full wardrobe of man panties will be able to get the job done. Maybe a mid round draft pick or maybe another roll of the dice on a veteran free agent, I don't know, but they need someone else if this thing is really going to work. At fullback, I'm okay with Moran Norris and maybe with another year or two Felton can take over. Overall, I feel better about this area of the team than most others, which is really pretty miraculous given what was there before the season started. The pieces are in place for a sound running game, at least in the backfield. These guys behind a rebuilt line could do some damage, and actually give me a modicum of hope heading into the future. Of course, having said that, Smith will probably break both legs or be found wandering down Woodward naked and confused, slowly chased by a squadron of police cars. We will see. I have said in the past that hope is a good thing and so I will stick to that and will hope for the best here.

What I Said Before the Season:
Grade: C if everything breaks right, D if everything breaks as I expect it to.

Overall Final Grade: C-. Smith looked good late in the year and there is hope for the future, but let's not kid ourselves here, taken as a whole the Lions running game was mediocre at best. It was Smith and then nothing. And it's not like he ran for 1500 yards or anything, and, yeah, 0-16.

Lions Season Review, Part 1: Quarterbacks

Okay, I think I am going to take a look at each position group in separate posts, which is no doubt insane and will cause me to run out of here like a werewolf by the time I'm done, but what the hell, nothing can match the misery of 0-16 and so if I could handle that while it happened I'm sure I can handle this - probably. So, let's get on with it already.

We will start with the obvious, and that is, of course, quarterback, the cesspool and breeding ground for countless failed Lions seasons. They don't get more failed than 0-16 though, so it is pretty safe to say that this year's corps of signal callers went beyond the usual bumbling mediocrity and established a new low water mark for general incompetence and embarrassing ineptitude.

Going into the season it seemed like this was a position that was in somewhat capable hands. John Kitna had been a productive if mistake prone quarterback for the past couple of seasons in Detroit and had even had a pro bowl caliber season his last year as a starter in Cincinnati before Carson Palmer forced him out. I predicted that with Mike Martz gone that Kitna would see a decrease in his numbers but that his interceptions would also see a drop. Well . . .

758 yds, 5TD, 5INT, 72.2 passer rating

Those are Kitna's numbers for the year and will almost assuredly be the final numbers that Kitna puts up as a Lion. Of course, there's not really that much you can take away from them - other than they are painfully mediocre - because they were piled up in 4 measly games. It was at that point that Kitna's back went out or the team just said fuck it and told the dude to stay home, depending on who you believe. Regardless, it says something about Kitna and his ability to lead this team - or the lack thereof - that when he got hurt the team wasn't exactly falling all over itself to try to get him back on the field. Instead, they used the classic uh, don't call us we'll call you routine and for the rest of the season Kitna presumably sat on his ass and read the Bible while the Lions spectacularly failed.

Even with Kitna, the team was doomed to a painfully bad finish, but they probably could have snagged a win or two here or there. But with Kitna gone, the team was left in the hands of Safety Dan.

Sigh. No matter what he does - or more likely doesn't do - the rest of his career, Dan Orlovsky will always be remembered for deciding to merrily stroll out of the back of the end zone at the Metrodome in one of the most bizarre and genuinely retarded plays you will ever see. Oh, and by the way, the Lions lost that game by 2 points.

1616 yds, 8TD, 8INT, 72.6 passer rating

Those mediocre numbers would be Dan Orlovsky's, piled up in ten games, and if you'll look, they are startlingly similar to Kitna's. Unfortunately, for Kitna, those are bad numbers, the floor for him if you will, while with Orlovsky they are basically the ceiling, the best he can do. Orlovsky has a pop gun arm and isn't going to win any games for you. Unfortunately for the Lions, no one else on the team was going to either and so what happened isn't exactly the biggest surprise. Orlovsky was a below average quarterback on a terrible team, not exactly a recipe for even the barest competence. But when he broke his thumb, we found out that things could get even worse. Enter the Culpepper.

Daunte Culpepper used to be a good quarterback. He did. He once led my fantasy football team to a championship, so there is that. Unfortunately, in 2008, Daunte was a 300 pound quarterback coming off a serious knee injury which wrecked his career a few years ago. Since then, every year, it's been said that he's returning to his former self, he's got his mobility back, and some lucky team will ride his cannon arm to victory and parades and probably whores and drugs and everything else that comes along with being on an awesome football team. But no, it turns out that Daunte just sucks now. Whatever he had is gone, lost, and while you can make the excuse for him that he didn't have any time to really practice with the Lions, learn the plays, etc., the reality is that he's had an excuse for the last several seasons and sooner or later it's going to have to dawn on everyone that he's merely a past his prime quarterback whose window closed a while ago. He hasn't come back and he's not coming back.

786 yds, 4TD, 6INT, 63.9 passer rating

That's what Daunte managed in five game with the Lions before he too was injured. And what they show is what everyone saw on the field, a dude who pretty much sucked copious amounts of dick with the Lions. It seemed like in every game he played that Daunte would make one big play to Calvin Johnson and then would go quiet for the rest of the game, turfing balls and throwing stupid interceptions until the Lions were safely beaten once again. His reign as the Detroit quarterback was short and brutal, and I would like to never speak of it again.

Of course, the hidden story in all of this is that the Lions so called quarterback of the future, Drew Stanton, never started a single game while all of this madness was going on. Through all the ineptitude and all the apocalyptic horrors that went on, it seems like the coaching staff never seriously considered giving him a shot. And while there are those who will say that he deserved this shot, and will use it to condemn an already condemned coach in Rod Marinelli, isn't it more likely that Drew Stanton just isn't any good? I mean, the dude couldn't beat out a guy with a broken thumb who liked to take long walks on end zone lines, or a guy who was woefully out of shape, hadn't played all season, and spent the week before his first game acting as the chauffer for his daughter. And we're supposed to believe that if he were the starter that the Lions would have fared any better? Please. Stanton got in the game as a garbage time QB on a few occasions and looked overmatched. His first game he looked like he was hyperventilating in the huddle. His last game he was concussed. So much for the future.

Drew Henson also got in a couple of snaps for the Lions with everybody else dead or dying, and he was sacked more times than he actually managed to throw the ball. I don't think anything else needs to be said there.

What we learned: We learned that the Lions need a quarterback - badly. Before the season, I predicted that the Lions would be fairly mediocre at quarterback with John Kitna in there. I also predicted the apocalypse if Kitna was injured. Well, that's pretty much exactly what happened. When Kitna went down, a sinking ship broke completely apart and became unsalvageable. 0-4 quickly turned into 0-16 and a big reason for that was the inability of the Lions remaining quarterbacks to make any plays. And while Orlovsky at times looked like he might give the Lions a chance, in the end the scoreboard always read the wrong way for the Lions. He simply doesn't have the arm or the overall talent to be the guy to lead this or any other team. Meanwhile, it was confirmed that Daunte Culpepper is pretty much finished and that Drew Stanton is pretty much a bust. Shit got so bad that I routinely called for the coaches to just say fuck it and run the Wildcat with Calvin Johnson even though I knew it would lead to St. Calvin's untimely death. What happened at quarterback was pretty much the worst case scenario for the Lions, and like just about everything else this season, it was the scenario that ended up playing out.

What we can expect: Kitna will be gone. I suspect Culpepper will be done too. Orlovsky will probably stick around as the backup. Maybe. Who knows? But what really needs to happen here is pretty much a complete overhaul. All of these guys have the stink of complete failure on them now. Everybody on the team does, but these guys, as the quarterbacks, have it even more. When a team wins the Super Bowl, the quarterback is always the guy who gets the most glory. It's just the way it works. Hell, everybody even remembers Trent Dilfer for being a dude who just didn't fuck up for the Ravens when they won it all. It works the other way too. 0-16 isn't something that can be forgotten and Kitna, Orlovsky, Culpepper and Stanton have to deal with that. They just probably shouldn't do it in Detroit. More than likely, the Lions will draft Matt Stafford, the Georgia quarterback with the rocket arm who the scouts are drooling over. Maybe that will work out, maybe not, but with Matt Cassel being brought back by the Patriots, the Lions almost have to go through the draft to find their quarterback. I'm not all that optimistic. This is a team whose last three first round draft picks at quarterback have been Joey Harrington, Andre Ware and Chuck Long. That doesn't engender a whole lot of confidence, but who knows, maybe Stafford's tendency to get out of shape and make crucial mistakes in big games won't follow him to the pros. I doubt it, but what the hell, onward and upward and all that. Personally, I just hope that someday soon we can find someone, anyone, whether it be through the draft, through free agency, or a dude bagging groceries, who can give the Lions something we haven't had in fifty years, and that is a quarterback who when the game is on the line can make us smile and think that everything will be alright. I know, I know, but a dude can dream, can't he? At least I didn't start rambling about NAZIS or anything in this post.

What I Said Before the Season: Grade: C- if Kitna doesn't fuck anything up too badly, D+ if he is the Kitna I expect him to be and F if either Orlovsky or Stanton have to play.

Final Grade: I almost said D- because there were times when Orlovsky didn't look completely horrible, but . . . 0-16, you know? F.

A New Day

So, the Lions got their man. Jim Schwartz, the defensive coordinator of the Tennessee Titans is the new dude in town, and I am . . . happy.

Yes, I am actually happy with this hire. Schwartz is a cerebral sort of coach who understands the game of football, someone who is obsessed with the fine details that go into a game, someone who will know why each and every play either works or doesn't work, someone who understands that the NFL is a league full of professional athletes who don't need a father, but rather a coach who can out scheme the dude standing on the other sideline. And finally, he is someone who appears to be the complete opposite of Rod Marinelli.

My thoughts on Marinelli and his shortcomings has been made blindingly obvious by now so I won't go through it all again, as much for my own sanity as your patience, but let's just say he was a shitty coach and move on. Of course, the danger here is that a drunken hobo would probably look like a step up from the horrifying events of the past year. They could have hired a shit faced Barry Switzer and I would have just shrugged and thought well, at least he isn't Marinelli.

And, of course, before anyone gets too excited, let's not forget that this dude has never been a head coach before, and he could turn out to be Cam Cameron or Norv Turner or any number of coordinators who turned out to be shitty head coaches. Plus, there is the fact that what he is inheriting in Detroit would likely lose to the dudes in the movie Necessary Roughness. And I mean the actors too, not the characters. I'm sure Scott Bakula would shred the shit out of these assholes and he's gotta be like 50 by now. Plus, they had Sinbad, and you just know that . . . never mind, enough gibberish. Basically, he could be a combination of Bill Walsh, Jesus and Moses and the team is probably still going to suck.

Look, he may not have the temperament to be a successful head coach. He might not be able to deal with the players, he might freeze up during the game when it comes time to make the big decisions, he might be in over his head completely. I doubt it, the dude has a pretty solid pedigree, but you never know. Personally I feel pretty good about getting a dude who cut his teeth under Bill Belichick and Jeff Fisher, and who has had a top ten defense the last two seasons in Tennessee. He seems to know his shit and that's worlds better than we can say about the last dude who staggered through town.

If anything, this hire gives me hope that the new dudes in charge, Martin Mayhew and Tom Lewand, have at least a semblance of a clue. And again, this might not mean much because a retarded ape would seem like a step up from that buffoon Millen, but hopefully this means that there will be at least an air of competency in Detroit. I am cautiously optimistic here, which is something new around here. Fuck it, I am probably just setting myself for disappointment again, but I don't care. Let's do this shit.

Welcome to hell Jim Schwartz, I hope you like it hot and scary as fuck. We're glad to have you.

More Gibberish About the Letter M

Okay, so in my last post I raved like a loon about that ridiculous "M" thing and came to the conclusion that Josh McDaniel was likely to be the next Lions coach. Well, I forgot about Mike Mularkey. He has two M's which clearly makes him unbeatable as a candidate. Case closed. Oh Jesus, it just never ends . . .

Well, That Happened

So fuck it, they went 0-16. It happened and now we have to move on. Rod Marinelli is gone and even though everyone is saying poor Rod and pretending like he was just a scapegoat in this clusterfuck of an organization, the Lions will be better off with him in Chicago washing Lovie Smith's balls or whatever the fuck it is he'll be doing there. Of course, the front office remains as disease ridden as ever, with little change other than dudes failing upwards after the Jabba sized shitpile named Matt Millen was removed from the offices of Ford Field.

The new GM, Martin Mayhew, seems like he knows that Matt Millen fucked everything up, which would be a good sign if it wasn't so blindingly obvious. I mean, of course he is going to say that Millen was a total failure. To say anything else would be to incite the mob just waiting to march on Ford Field after making a stop at the local torch and pitchfork store. Even Millen is saying he fucked up and that he wasn't qualified for the job. If even that ass gets it, then we better sure as hell hope that the new GM gets it too. I don't know. Maybe he really, really gets it and understands how to fix this shit. Maybe the Fords got lucky. Maybe there is a fairy(not Johnny Morton)living somewhere inside Ford Field who will bless Mayhew with unprecedented success in exchange for his soul or his first born or Rudi Johnson's panties or something. Who the fuck knows at this point? I mean, really, the odds don't seem to be in his favor, but the Lions do have a bunch of early draft picks with which to begin the rebuilding(or really, in this case, building - there is no "re" here)process. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It's all we have to grab hold of at this point to keep from drowning in a sea of despair and failure.

A lot has to happen in the next few months. We need a new coach for starters. Hopefully, it won't be yet another dude whose name starts with "M". Now, I'm not one for a bunch of gibbering bullshit about weird coincidences meaning anything, but I have been driven insane by the past season(try the last decade - oh fuck it, try the entire lifespan of my fandom)and so I will indulge this bit of ridiculousness. Matt Millen, he himself possessing two M's, hired Marty Mornhinweg, then Steve Mariucci, followed up by Rod Marinelli. Obviously, all were utter failures, leaving us no possible alternative but to decide that the letter M is the reason for the continued failure of the Detroit Lions. Well, out with the old I say, and...oh wait, Martin Mayhew, that's right. Never mind, keep on sucking ass dudes. So, the obvious solution is to look at who among the available candidates fulfills the all important M criteria and hire them. Out of the names being tossed around, there is but one man who seems to fit the bill here. Josh McDaniels, the Patriots offensive coordinator is our man. He has to be. There you go, the next coach of the Detroit Lions. Why yes, I am feeling remarkably insane today, thank you for asking.

Now, with that bizarre gibberish out of the way, we can move on. Look, in some ways I hate it, but I already find myself shrugging my shoulders and saying, well, why not? Maybe things can turn around. I know, I deserve to be slapped for this kind of bullshit, and I am sure that in another life I was an abused housewife who always came back for more, but damn it, it's not their fault! I was bad, I didn't have dinner ready on time, and I sassed when I should have smiled and said "Yes dear." I guess the insane gibberish portion of the post isn't over with after all. Never mind this nonsense, I am clearly still addled by what went on. 0-16 appears to have broken me. I am sorry. Blame the Lions. Those miserable fuckers.

Sometime soon I will begin my dissection of the horror show that was this past season. I'll probably break shit down by position, which should be about as fun as taking a tour through Auschwitz in 1945. I know, that is absurdly insensitive but I have lost all sense of perspective. In my last post I compared the Lions to Hitler and now I am raving about Auschwitz and oh God it never ends, it never ends. And the next several posts are likely going to be even more ridiculous and traumatizing. Prepare yourselves, bathe in holy water, drop acid, find a young priest and an old priest, I don't care, do what you've gotta do because it's going to be ugly and I wish I could say terrifying, but I am afraid that just doesn't cut it. Until then, I will hope for any sign that the Lions are going to turn it around. I know that I only hope in vain, but fuck it, it's not like it can get any worse. And Jesus, I really, really hope that's true.