NFL Playoff Quarterback Power Rankings

My initial idea for this week was to rank the teams based on spiritual energies or whatever and by “my idea” I mean I got it from friend of the blog @LowFashionLover. The only problem, I decided, is that it would just be a rehash of my gibberish from the last 4 months or whatever. I mean, this is basically what I did every week with the Gambling For Sanity shit, so I decided I’d do something else instead of explain why the Cowboys are rotten soul ass for the 20^th time.

And lo, my playoff quarterback power rankings were born. These are based on a combination of factors – how good they were this season, how good they’ve been over their career, what they’ve won, what they’ve lost, and of course, the intangible Spirit Warrior quality which isn’t something I just made up but a vital component – perhaps the vital component – in any competitive endeavor or honest life.

12. Lamar Jackson - Baltimore

I assume Lamar Jackson is gonna start for Baltimore since Joe Flacco has finally been drowned in the Baltimore harbor or wherever the hell he fucked off to, and that’s a good thing for Baltimore since their offense only started to click with Jackson and his legs. The problem is, at least right now, there’s not much more to Jackson than those legs, and baby, that’s a hard way to win in the playoffs.

Of course, Lamar Jackson has never done anything either. Sure, he won the Heisman at Louisville, but we’re talking Advanced Concussion Ball here. One bad hit, one twist of the leg by some dirty asshole at the bottom of a pile, and Lamar Jackson is basically useless. So it’s the bottom of the rankings for him. At least for now. I like the dude, and I think he has Spirit Warrior potential, but the world is not fair, especially to Potential Spirit Warriors, who it enjoys snuffing out before they can realize that potential. I mean, shit, just look at me.

11. Dak Prescott – Dallas

Dak Prescott was sort of a sensation as a rookie, but no one has really liked him since. Sure, the Cowboys are back in the playoffs, but that has more to do with the NFL East collapsing en masse than anything the Cowboys did, and more specifically, anything that Prescott did. If Alex Smith had stayed healthy and The Eagles didn’t Philadelphia all over the fuckin’ place, the Cowboys would have finished third and everyone would want Dak kicked out of town. Jerry Jones would have had him buried in an oilfield or some shit or sold into slavery to some rubber tree plantation down in Brazil or Indonesia. They still do that shit, and you best believe Jerry Jones is involved somehow.

Anyway, that’s obviously a rotten spiritual situation, and it’s hard to see Dak Prescott overcoming any of that. Of course, there’s also the fact that the motherfucker is named Dak, which sounds like some futuristic lacrosse player. Just rotten energy all around for this dude. If he didn’t have Ezekiel Elliott to hand off to every game, this shit would get really dark really fast. Some would say that having to rely on a violent lady beater to go through life is already really dark, but shit, welcome to the NFL.

10. Mitchell Trubisky – Chicago

I don’t trust Mitch aka QB10 yet, and more importantly, I know that Bears fans don’t trust him. This is as much because of their woeful history at quarterback as it is anything to do with him personally, but those are the psychic environs he finds himself in. It’s not his fault that the Bears quarterback list reads Jim McMahon and then, uh, Rex Grossman? Kyle Orton? Erik Kramer? Fuck, man. Fuck!

Trubisky has made obvious progress so far, and probably just had the best Bears quarterback season in forever, but again, that’s more about the Bears than him. He is a number one overall pick, so the talent is there, but how the fuck are you gonna back a BEARS QUARTERBACK in the playoffs, especially one who has never won a goddamn thing? There are probably better years ahead for Trubisky, but for now, this dude is still out of his element.

9. Whoever the Fuck the Eagles QB Is

I’m still not sure if the Eagles are gonna go with wunderkind-turned-battery throwing target Carson Wentz, or the dude who won the Super Bowl last year, Nick Foles. This is partly because the Eagles don’t seem to know themselves, and partly because I’m not bothering to find out. Obviously, that means that this isn’t exactly an ideal situation.

Wentz is good, or at least should be good, but Eagles fans seem to be blaming too much of the team’s problems on him, which is probably mostly because Eagles fans are by and large irrational ogres. But this is how a dude’s spiritual energy gets ruined, especially a dude who spent his college years playing second tier ball in North Dakota. This motherfucker is like the farm stud with a big dick who gets off the bus all wide eyed and then gets fucked, both literally and spiritually, into oblivion by the big city pimps. He’s still got a hard dick right now, and he’s off buying muscle cars and making records with Reed Rothchild, but he’s only one year away from turning tricks in a parking lot for hateful Eagles fans that just want to jump him and leave him laying in his own blood to cover for their own self-loathing.

Nick Foles, on the other hand, has a mediocre dick, he’s spent most of his career as the pizza boy in fuck scenes who watches wide eyed as the real stars get the job done, and no one really expected much from him. But then Wentz couldn’t get it up, Foles had to step in, and shocked everyone by fucking good enough to win an AVN award last year.

That means he’s always gonna be hovering just over Wentz’s shoulder, which is not a good thing for Wentz’s spiritual energy or for the Eagles, for that matter. It may seem like a good thing, to have a backup who won the fucking Super Bowl, but it really isn’t. It just meant that the pressure was on Wentz to be fucking perfect this season, and when he wasn’t, Eagles fans tore him apart. They either had to ride with Wentz or Foles, and they chose neither and it’s fucked them.

The problem with turning to Foles is that while he may be the stud for the day, he still just has a mediocre dick. He just managed to have the fuck of his life at the right time. That’s all. Now when he can’t get it up or ends up splooging all over himself, or dribbling on a teammate’s thigh as they think “What the fuck?” Eagles fans are gonna turn on his ass HARD. And then what do they have? A small-dicked loser and a broken big dick that can’t get hard anymore. That’s life in the Big City, I guess. The only reason they’re this high on the list is because Wentz still does have a big dick and because of what happened with Foles last season. 9^th is a position of respect in this case.

8. Jared Goff – Rams

I like Jared Goff. He’s obviously good, and by this point on the list, they’re all pretty good. The problem is that I don’t know if you can trust him. There is just something missing, something indefinable, something ineffable (fuck you, Alex.) I don’t know what it is.

He’s never won anything, obviously, so it’s hard to give him any credit spiritually, and while he’s been good, he hasn’t been great. This is completely unfair, really. I just looked at his numbers again and they’re great, okay? But the thing is, is that I don’t know how much of that is him and how much of it is the Rams and Sean McVay. It feels like this is a system type thing more than a quarterback transcending himself and his team to be great. This doesn’t make any fuckin’ sense at all. I understand this. This is utter gibberish. But I feel like if you swapped Goff with, say, Matthew Stafford, you’d get the same result.

Now this is where we start arguing about Stafford, but I don’t want to do that. From one angle, that should speak well for Goff. I mean, Matthew Stafford is pretty good, right? But from another angle, Stafford is who he is, a talented dude who’s never won a goddamn thing. BUT THAT’S BECAUSE OF HIS TEAM, you scream at me, and that’s sort of the point. I feel like Goff might be similar. He’s a good quarterback, but he’s not a quarterback who’s capable of transcending his team. Just like Stafford. So, yeah, Stafford would do well in Los Angeles while Goff would lose with the Lions. That means they are good enough quarterbacks to win with, but not so good that they can carry you over the hump like, say, Brady or Russell Wilson.

Then again, maybe Goff is that guy. Who knows? That’s sort of the point. We don’t know right now, and we won’t know until he does the damn thing. Is this fair? No. Is it ridiculous? Yes. Will I look like an idiot when this is all said and done? Probably. But welcome to Armchair Linebacker.

7. DeShaun Watson – Houston

Wait . . . what? DeShaun Watson ahead of Goff? Yes. I know this probably doesn’t make sense to you, but here’s my rationale: DeShaun Watson won a Heisman and a national championship in college. The dude has done it before. Sure, not on this level, but being a winner is something that travels. That is good spiritual energy.

And, I mean, if you look at the numbers, he’s basically in Goff’s league there too. But he also runs well, and is a weapon that way. I’m ready to say that Watson is a better quarterback by just about any metric.

The problem, of course, is that he doesn’t have a huge body of work, an entire career to fall back on, to make people confident that he’s truly The Man. That’s really the only thing keeping him from being higher on this list. (And don’t get me started on people who think “higher” means like 9^th or 10^th instead of 4^th or 5^th, which they would call “lower.” They do this all the time when it comes to seeding in the NCAA tournament and it drives me fucking nuts. The argument is that, well, 10 is higher than 7 so should be called a “higher” seed or ranking. This is fucking preposterous. It should be called a “lower” seed or ranking because that is what the number signifies. In this case and in seeding cases, 10 is lower than 7. This shouldn’t be hard for people, but it is and it makes me SEETHE.) Anyway… uh, yeah. That’s it for this dude.

6. Philip Rivers – Chargers

Philip Rivers has had a long and productive career, and when it’s over, he’ll probably go down as being underrated. The problem with Ol’ Phil, of course, is that he’s a colossal asshole and a dude who always blows it in the end. I’ve compared him more than once to Matthew Stafford, and… yeah, that still holds true. Go back and read what I wrote in the Jared Goff section. That all applies to Rivers. The difference is that Rivers has a fucking decade and a half on Goff, and has proven over and over again that he is an upper tier NFL quarterback. Conversely, he’s also proven that he’s exactly what I fear both Stafford and Goff are – good, but not good enough.

In one respect, I feel like I should swap him and Goff, because Goff at least has a chance to prove me wrong. But in another respect, I feel like Rivers maybe deserves the benefit of the doubt. I mean, for all the shit I’ve talked about him, for as big an asshole as he is, you just can’t kill this fucker. He never goes away. And if he manages to win it all this year, all of that noise changes for him. I mean, I don’t think it will, but who’s to say?

If Jared Goff has Philip Rivers’ career, he should be ecstatic. But he should also be disappointed. This is a weird as fuck dynamic, but that’s sports, baby. In the end, I’m sticking Rivers here because it feels wrong to put him behind the two young dudes, but there’s no way that you can put him any higher than this, right? This is who he is. He’s number 6. That is Philip Rivers and it always will be. Jared Goff is number 8 right now. He has a chance to be number 1 someday, but probably not today.

5. Andrew Luck

This is probably too high. Fuck, it’s almost certainly too high, but here’s the thing: everyone kind of shit on Andrew Luck and wrote him off before this season. Some people even said he was finished, his career over due to injury. He responded by dragging the Colts to the playoffs and throwing for over 4,500 yards, with 39 touchdowns. That is a hell of an answer, and gives him some spiritual credibility that the dudes behind him just can’t match.

Maybe he is Rivers. I don’t know. But his career kind of hits the sweet spot between Rivers and Goff in that he’s done it more times than Goff, but hasn’t been ghettoized like Rivers. There’s also this: the Colts are not a good team. Not at all. Yet here they are, in the playoffs. If you swapped Goff with Luck, what would it look like? Luck would almost certainly be the golden boy as he led the Rams to the same sort of season they had this year, maybe even better. While Goff and the Colts probably would have a losing record. That’s my take and I’m sticking to it.

Sure, Luck may sound like Andre the Giant is fucking his throat every time he talks, and sure, he can’t grow facial hair without looking like he posts on Reddit, but you can’t deny that this dude rose up this season and proved something. People like to shit on him for never really earning all the slobbering praise he gets, but fuck it, I think he’s the real deal. He’s just on a shitty team, that’s all. The difference? He can actually transcend his team’s shittiness to drag them to the playoffs. Not many dudes can do that.

4. Drew Brees

Brees probably deserves to be a little higher, but fuck him. There is something spiritually rotten about him. People just never really notice because it’s balanced out by the spiritual richness of New Orleans. But the dude is a shit-smeared torture advocate. Torture advocates are dudes who live their lives in fear. They are cowards. So, yes, Drew Brees is a coward. He’s also a million years old.

Still, I’m not gonna deny that the dude is one of the best quarterbacks ever. He’s thrown for a million yards – check that, he’s thrown for the most yards in NFL history. That’s right. EVER. He’s also won a Super Bowl. The dude is a legend. I’m not gonna deny any of that. That should make him, at worst, second on this list. But I’ll say it again: fuck him.

There’s also this: the Saints have always been pretty inconsistent under Brees. They’ve had 5 losing seasons, 6 in which they never got above .500, and I’m gonna put it out there: it’s because Drew Brees is a spiritually bereft coward. Fuck him.

3. Russell Wilson – Seattle

I said before the season that Russell Wilson was a top 4 quarterback in the NFL. I also said that the Seahawks would finally collapse because they gutted their team and left Wilson hanging. All he did was lead them back to the playoffs. That shows me something. That shows me something huge.

He’s never been a huge OMG STATS guy, but his numbers are always good enough, he’s won a Super Bowl, should have won another if not for the most LOL WHAT ARE THEY DOING plays in sports history, and, again, he’s proven that he’s one of those extremely rare dude who can carry a shitty team all the way with him. I have nothing else to say here.

2. Patrick Mahomes – Kansas City

The dude just had a wild fucking year. 50 touchdowns. I mean, goddamn. He’s the MVP. He’s The Man. One problem: as a great man once said, to be The Man, you’ve gotta beat The Man WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

1. Tom Brady – New England

And Tom Brady is indisputably The Man.

For all the fun I’ve had with Brady this season, for all the American Pyscho histrionics, you can’t deny the dude. It’s easy to say that he’s spiritually corrupt because of all the obvious affectations and sociopath ridiculousness, but this dude is a wild OG Warrior deep at heart. He is that one in a million motherfucker who will sacrifice everything, including basic decency, to win. This is a dude who would fuck over his own baby to win a game of Old Maid. This motherfucker is a menace, a danger to society, but he is also who I would pick to lead Earth against an alien invasion.

You also have to remember this: the Patriots and Chiefs already played once this season. Who won? Brady and the Patriots. That’s right. If you come at the king, you best not miss, son. Until Mahomes can overthrow Brady, he can’t be number one on this list. Hell, even if he does do it, he’s probably still not number one. This is because Tom Brady is number one all time. He’s the Greatest.

Of course, The Greatest is also at an age where he’s starting to have to synthesize virgin blood in a lab in order to keep going without crumbling into dust in the light and being dragged shrieking to the hell that surely awaits him. Everything ends. Everything dies. And Tom Brady can see The End. The motherfucker can feel it. When he goes, and he’ll go soon, it will be an epic disaster, a noisy and dishonorable end. This is not a dude who will die quietly on his throne. This is a dude who will die raving incoherently covered in his own shit because he can’t control his bowels anymore while his servants loot the castle and his kingdom disintegrates into unholy ruin. It will be a goddamn scene, an utter fiasco that will leave all of New England dead, a ruined crater of human filth, their ghostly shrieks and wails reaching to the heavens, ignored by a disgusted god who will send them all to the gnarliest depths of hell.

That’s all coming for Tom Brady. But the thing is, is that he knows that. He feels it. And that’s just gonna make him even crazier and harder to beat. He’s gonna hang on with everything he’s got, and no motherfucker named Pat is gonna take that from him while he still has his wits, while he’s still Tom Fucking Brady. The man is a Force unto Himself, a spirit that defies things like morality, unbound by human measures of decency. He will absolutely kill Patrick Mahomes entire family if he feels threatened and he’ll get away with it too. Who’s gonna stop him? You with your petty humanity? No. The only thing that will stop Tom Brady is the inexorable erosion of Time itself, its humbling and dispassionate march which trods us all down, turning humanity into little more than a barren desert, unseen by the boots that keep marching, marching, marching . . . to Time, Tom Brady is nothing, the gods are nothing. To Time, even itself is nothing, an utter irrelevance, and in the end, it will crush itself too and we will all disappear, our very dust, our souls, into a black hole, and none of this will have mattered or have even happened. The universe is fucking wild. But the last voice to shriek in defiance as it bends and twists and is disintegrated by Time and that black hole will belong to Tom Brady. And that’s why he’s the Greatest. Now and Forever.