Okay, here’s the deal: I’m gonna break down each division,
starting with a broad overview and then giving a best case/worst case scenario
for each time, followed by my Final Judgment. We’ll start with the AFC East and
work our way to the NFC North, which is where I’ll finish in a storm of tears
and fits of anger. Let’s begin.
Any discussion about the AFC East is gonna be dominated by
the Patriots. It’s just the way it is. Since the Tom Brady era started they’ve
won the division every year but twice – 2002 and 2008. 2002 was immediately
after things started to get rolling and Tom Brady wasn’t “Tom Brady” yet but “the
dude who replaced Drew Bledsoe” and 2008 was the year Brady had his knee taken
out in week one. The crazy thing is that the Patriots still tied for the
division title both those seasons and just missed out on tiebreakers. So . . .
yeah, the fucking Patriots are gonna win the AFC East.
That’s a given. But where things get interesting is that The
End is clearly on the horizon for the Patriots. It’s not a matter of if, it’s
just a matter of when. I mean, Tom Brady and I were in college at the same time
and I’m so old that I almost shit myself whenever I sneeze. Actually, Brady is
a couple of years older than me. Of course, I’m a rapidly declining degenerate
and he’s getting virgin blood flown in and transfused from special people farms
in Thailand while a team of personal trainers and dieticians keep him alive
like fucking Dracula or something out of some Nazi horror experiment wet dream,
so he’s not as old as he should be in people years.
Still, there’s a limit to even what Nazi Draculas can do,
and it won’t be long before Tom Brady, scourge of Carpathia and the NFL,
eventually finds himself picked apart by vultures. And the thing is, is that
when it all goes, it’s going to go brutally and spectacularly. This won’t be a
soft landing, this will be a fucking crater that leaves the Patriots lost in a
sea of despair for years. That’s because none of these dudes, Brady, Belichick,
the whole damn gang, will know when enough is enough. They will cling to the
last rotting piece of flesh as they cannibalize each other and then themselves
before it’s all through. This is because they are insane sociopaths and that is
what insane sociopaths do. They don’t retire comfortably to the country with
their nice family.
When it ends – and like I said, it’s gonna end soon – it will
end with acrimony and despair. Brady already ran off Jimmy Garappolo like a Karate Kid villain because he dared even
try to stand in his shadow for a couple of years. He and Belichick have pretty
much explicitly said that they are going to be the last ones standing and when
they fall they won’t give a shit about who has to try to clean everything up.
They are not in this for the Patriots, they are in this because of their own
crazed sociopathy and extreme need to win at all costs.
The thing is, is that I actually respect naked sociopathy as
an ethos, at least in a superficially sporting context, and let’s face it, this
is all superficial and fake and meaningless. It’s fucking football. Who cares?
I can respect that. There is no pretense here, no baby kissing and flag
humping. Just unrestrained sociopathy and mania. It will be disgusting theater
to watch it all collapse, to see Belichick become a broken alcoholic with no
one who loves him and Brady trying desperately to cling to a ghost in fucking
Arizona or wherever while Gisele fucks their nutritionist. It’s going to happen
and it’s going to happen soon.
But not now. The Patriots can still squeeze another season
or two out of this godforsaken thing, especially because no one else in the division
is capable of stepping up and taking it from them. I mean, realistically, who’s
gonna do it? Even if the Patriots start their descent into madness and despair
this season, Brady is still enough even as a shadow of himself to hold up
against this gang of losers.
The Bills finally made the playoffs again, and then
immediately traded their starting quarterback, Tyrod Taylor, even though the Bills
looked apocalyptically bad when they tried to bench him earlier in the season.
It’s a bizarre choice given that Taylor, while not great or anything, has
always been kinda underrated, especially because with his legs he fit the rushing
attack that made the Bills just a little bit different than other teams in the
league. Sure, the offense was never that good, but it was just enough to
squeeze by. Take that away out of some ill-conceived desire to shoehorn in
something more conventional, and the Bills have nothing. It’s actually reminiscent
of when Rod Marinelli (shudder) ran Mike Martz out of town (with the blessing
of a lot of fans, I might add) despite Martz’s air attack being the only thing
that kept the Lions afloat. Martz was flawed, like Taylor, which made him an
easy target, but “flawed” is still better than “stark, empty wasteland” which
the Lions found out when they immediately went 0-16. Now, I’m not saying the
Bills are gonna go 0-16, but they ain’t making the playoffs either.
The Jets are the Jets, dysfunctional and spiritually
wretched. Like the Bills, they just drafted their quarterback of the future in
Sam Darnold. Unlike the Bills pick, Josh Allen, who’s basically a million years
away from being an NFL quarterback, Darnold is probably expected to be along
sooner rather than later. Of course, he’s just now ending a holdout which will
no doubt endear him to the mouth-breathing imbeciles who call themselves Jets
fans. It isn’t a good situation, especially for a team coming off back to back
5-11 seasons and with a psychic history filled with the moaning ghosts of Joe
Namath’s knees and the frightened screeches of his liver. They aren’t winning
shit.
That leaves the Dolphins, who are intriguing only because
they actually have a quarterback in Ryan Tannehill and are only a season
removed from going 10-6 and making the playoffs. Of course, Tannehill tore his
ACL and missed the entire season last year, forcing the Dolphins to turn to Jay
Cutler of all people. Naturally, that failed in hideous fashion, and now the
Dolphins are left hoping that Tannehill can come back. If he can – and gets
better – the Dolphins could be the team to sneak in there if the Patriots
collapse sooner than expected. Of course, the Dolphins defense is still nothing
special and even if Tannehill is healthy, he’s not exactly Aaron Rodgers
either. Still, that 10-6 season the last time he was healthy gives the Dolphins
at least a specter of hope, which is something neither the Bills nor the Jets
really have.
Patriots Best Case
Scenario: Winning the Super Bowl, obviously. Brady is still Brady and buys
another year after purchasing an Indonesian boy and draining him of his
precious life fluids. Belichick gets territorial and makes a point to build the
defense into a monster in order to show that he doesn’t need Brady, the
Patriots somehow find a successor to Brady to groom and Robert Kraft gets his
dick sucked by one of his black servants.
Patriots Worst Case
Scenario: Brady loses it and ages like he drank from the wrong cup at the
end of Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade. Meanwhile, Gisele runs off with their dietician before shacking up
with Garoppolo in San Francisco. Belichick is caught slapping around a hobo
under a bridge overpass because it’s the only thing that can still make him
feel, and Robert Kraft ends up sucking the dick of one of his black servants.
Patriots Final
Judgment: Brady keeps Bradying, Gisele tells Garoppolo she doesn’t think
Italians are human beings, Belichick manages to buy the tape of him slapping
around a hobo, keeping it secret for at least another year, and Kraft jacks off
to one of his black servants while the Patriots win another AFC East title and
then make it to yet another Super Bowl because the AFC stinks like aged garbage
filtered through Bigfoot’s asshole.
Bills Best Case Scenario:
Somehow, Josh Allen shows that he can actually play quarterback in the NFL
right away even though he could never be anything other than mediocre while at
fucking Wyoming. The Bills manage to build on last season’s mini-run and win a
shitty division when the Patriots fall apart. Gisele blows Josh Allen.
Bills Worst Case Scenario:
The Bills don’t have a quarterback and Tyrod Taylor leads the fucking
Browns to the playoffs while the Bills go 0-16. Gisele blows Rod Marinelli.
Bills Final Judgment:
Josh Allen isn’t anywhere close to being ready, no one else can play
quarterback, the defense crumbles under the pressure and the Bills go 3-13.
Gisele blows me.
Jets Best Case Scenario:
Darnold is immediately ready, and he finally gets the Jets headed in the
right direction, a process which accelerates when the Patriots and Brady
collapse, Gisele blows everyone, and a drunk Joe Namath is sworn in as
President when everyone ahead of him in the line of succession is indicted for
Discoursing.
Jets Worst Case Scenario:
No quarterback, no fun. A drunk Joe Namath blows everyone.
Jets Final Judgment: The
Jets are the Jets, man. They might hang around at 8-8, but then again, probably
not. They’ll go 7-9, no one will get blown and Joe Namath will start appearing
in commercials for erectile dysfunction drugs.
Dolphins Best Case
Scenario: Tannehill comes back from his ACL injury, and comes back better
than he was before. The Dolphins take advantage of a Patriots collapse, win the
division and ride it all the way to the Super Bowl because the AFC stinks.
Gisele blows Don Shula and the entire ’72 Dolphins, cocaine overtakes Miami
once again, Michael Irvin reverse ages 30 years and leads Da U back to college
football glory, Tony Montana comes to life, Miami
Vice is still on the air and I disappear into a haze of drugs and Cuban
women and . . . wait, this was supposed to be the Dolphins best case scenario.
Either way.
Dolphins Worst Case
Scenario: Tannehill can’t come back, the Dolphins have no quarterback and
are damned to hang out with the Bills and Jets at the loser table while Brady
fucks all their girlfriends, Gisele says she’ll blow them on the roof of the
high school, only it’s a prank and they’re all left standing there naked on the
roof in January and have to have their dicks amputated. I disappear into a haze
of huffing paint and Armenian men who sell me to some rich Saudis.
Dolphins Final
Judgment: Tannehill comes back roughly at the same place he was before, the
Dolphins finish second in the AFC East, sneak into the playoffs as a Wild Card,
lose in the first round and nobody really cares. I sell myself to some rich
Saudis because at least they’ll keep me high and have you seen some of their
yachts?
AFC Final Standings:
1. Patriots 12-4
2. Dolphins 10-6
3. Jets 7-9
4. Bills 3-13
