Sunday, December 28, 2008

Diary of Infinite Pain

Okay, so I figured that it might be interesting to do a sort of diary/running commentary on today’s historic game. It might turn out to be an epic disaster but it might be entertaining for you jackals to share my misery on a more immediate level than normal.

12:34: I usually don’t watch the pre-game shows, as I desire my sanity, but for some reason here I am today, watching this bullshit. Terry Bradshaw is doing his Terry Awards. DeMarcus Ware says he would murder Terry if he still played, Troy Polamalu sounds shockingly, uh, I don’t wanna say womanish, but…well, and James Harrison doesn’t give a fuck. Meanwhile, Tony Dungy says he’ll have an orange juice. God, could there be a more boring coach? I bet Belichik would celebrate by murdering a pair of hookers and then drinking their blood. Also, Terry Bradshaw just said hi to his mom in the Louisiana State Pen. And I’m not sure whether he was being serious or just making a bizarre joke. It was weird.

12:38: They just showed a montage of teams around the league getting hyped up in the huddle, and when they showed the Packers, they broke their huddle by shouting 0-16. Those fuckers. That is just brutally cruel.

12:42: They are talking about the Cowboys now, and they just showed a highlight of Jimmy Johnson getting beaned by a snowball and a battery in Philly. Everyone laughed.

12:43: I just want to say that I hope the Cowboys lose just because the Lions get their first round pick. Also, because fuck the Cowboys.

12:45: Jay Glazer just said Rod Marinelli will probably be fired, which should be a no brainer, but unfortunately, well who the hell knows what the Fords will decide to do, especially since Old Man Ford has already said the front office is safe.

12:46: Oh God, they are gonna show the best of Frank Caliendo. I am muting this shit. They did say that Frank will still be around for a couple more years and everyone in the studio moaned.

12:49: Curt just made a dumb joke and everyone treated him like the village idiot, which is pretty bad when Terry Bradshaw is sitting right next to him.

12:52: Jimmy Johnson is talking about playoff preparation. Playoffs? What is that? Okay, that’s not fair, the Lions were only ten wins away or so from a Wild Card spot. So close!

12:54: The game is only minutes away from starting and it kinda feels like we are only moments away from the prison guard opening the cell door and saying it’s time to a death row inmate.

12:55: By the way, I have a cold, which makes this whole thing that much more awful.

12:56: Chris Rose and John Lynch are the announcers. Chris Rose is pretty okay, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard John Lynch announce. I didn’t even know he was retired yet. Lynch just said the Lions need to get the ball to Calvin Johnson, and, well, yeah.

12:58: It looks cold, but not too cold, which is okay I suppose.

1:01: There is something especially cruel about making us put up with commercials from Ford.

1:05: Okay, it does look pretty cold. At least it’s not snowing. 22 degrees, with a wind chill of 10.

1:07: Jesus, Jordy Nelson just returned the opening kick into Lions territory. Hey, just like last week. But we came back in that game, and…oh, oh God, that’s right, I remember now. SHIT.

1:09: Chris Rose just said the Lions problems have been in the secondary. No Chris, the Lions problems cannot be laid on one group.

1:10: Aaron Rodgers just had one of those weird fumbles where it flies out of his hand backwards setting up a 2nd and 34 which is something I guess.

1:11: The Packers pussed out and did a handoff draw on 3rd and 20. Oh shit, they’re going for it on 4th and 12.

1:12: The Lions managed to stop Donald Driver about three yards short of the first down. That was a weird first series for the Packers. But hey, what the hell, at least they didn’t score. Small miracles and all that I suppose.

1:14: Two runs from Kevin Smith set up 3rd and 6, but of course the Lions can’t convert. Orlovsky’s arm looked pretty good on the incompletion though, so hey, there is that.

1:15: Will Blackmon runs all over the place and dodges a bunch of dudes on the punt return just to pick up one yard.

1:17: Man, when did Tim Roth start to look so old?

1:18: John Lynch just said the word pocket about 12 times and by the end the word was like a tongue twister to him.

1:19: Oh Jesus. Deshawn Wynn just had a 73 yard touchdown run down the sideline. It was just a simple pitch, the Packers set up a wall and the Lions defense looked slow and stupid. BIG SHOCKER THERE.

1:20: Oh man, so Clint Eastwood’s new movie is about him being basically a geriatric Dirty Harry? Okay, cool.
1:21: Even the creepy Fox robot seems depressed. I don’t blame you dude.

1:22: Rod Marinelli looks confused. It won’t be the last time today I am sure.

1:23: Man, I hate it when they go to commercial, come back, run the kickoff and then go back to more commercials. What the hell is that weak ass shit?

1:24: Oh man, this thing is going to be a monster. I wonder what the word count will end up being.

1:25: Orlovsky was almost intercepted on a deep ball.

1:26: Damn it. Orlovsky just got sacked on 3rd on 4. Coverage sack and Orlovsky couldn’t get out in time.

1:27: Chris Rose just said “What fun is 15-0?” while talking about Marinelli’s motivational skills. You dumb bastard, that is just mean. IT’S A WHOLE LOT MORE FUN THAN 0-15 YOU ASS.

1:29: Oh man, Greg Jennings just dropped a deep pass. He had Leigh Bodden burned too. He dropped one earlier too.

1:30: Oh hey, Ernie Sims just made a play against the run. I wish that would have been there all year.

1:31: Another drop by a Packers receiver. Ruvell Martin was wide open too. I guess we will take it.

1:32: Total Yards: Packers 97, Lions 6. Yup.

1:32: Damn it. Now Calvin Johnson is dropping passes. 3rd and 8.

1:33: Casey Fitzsimmons caught one, but it looks like he is about half a yard short. They are near midfield though, so maybe they’ll go for it. Yup, they are.

1:34: It looks like they pick it up, but it turns out the Lions called timeout before the play. Of course. And Marinelli is bitching at the ref. Who knows what the hell about.

1:36: Kevin Smith picks up the first down. Of course, Orlovsky throws an interception on the very next play. For fuck’s sake. He just overthrew Calvin Johnson and put it right in Charles Woodson’s hands.

1:37: Oh man, Donald Driver just got the ball down inside the Lions 25.

1:38: 20 yard run by Ryan Grant down inside the 5. Shit. This is already getting bad.

1:39: The Packers have an injured man. It’s Scott Wells, their center. Of course that means more commercials. Joy.

1:41: Jennings just dropped another one at the goal line. Tough ball to catch, but he still should have had it.

1:42: Touchdown, Packers. A little fade to Jermichael Finley. Packers are up 14-0 and this shit is looking bad.

1:44: It’s weird. The Packers are probably the best team in the NFC North but they are only 5-10. I would take them against either the Vikings or the Bears.

1:45: It’s windy enough that the Packers have to do that thing on the kickoff where a dude holds the ball because it won’t stay on the tee.

1:46: Kevin Smith is making a run at 1,000 yards in this game, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it. He needs a little over 100 yards and they are already down by 14. I think they’ll be forced to air it out. Poor dude, he is one of only a couple of guys who I want to still be around next year.

1:47: Al Harris just slapped around Gosder Cherilus, drawing a personal foul, but man, that was embarrassing for Cherilus. He just got his ass kicked by a little dude. Lennie Small would never let that happen. I’m just saying.

1:50: Well, the first quarter is in the books, and well, it could have gone better.

1:51: The announcers are making fun of Cherilus now.

1:52: Total yardage for the first quarter: Packers 138, Lions 29. It’s a Lions game, that is for sure.

1:53: By the way, I am not spellchecking or factchecking or checking anything here, so forgive any dumb mistakes please.

1:54: Orlovsky was almost picked again. 4th down, they are in Packers territory, but they’re going for it again. Complete to Keary Colbert for the first down. Hey, how about that.

1:56: Uh oh LB, the Vikings are up 10-0 on the Giants.

1:57: 1st and goal, and Kevin Smith gets dropped for a loss.

1:58: Orlovsky throws it away and gets drilled. He’s up though. I think Calvin Johnson ran the wrong route.

1:59: Orlovsky to Calvin Johnson on a fade route on 3rd and goal. TOUCHDOWN! He barely got his feet in. Man, I love Calvin Johnson.

1:59: I’m kinda surprised that the Packers didn’t challenge that. I’m glad they didn’t though. Not because I think that it would have been overturned but because that shit takes forever. 14-7 Packers. Come on you turds.

2:02: Kickoff is a roller that squibs around and the Lions tackle Will Blackmon inside his own ten. Hey, good job dudes. And damn it, another one of those 1 play and back to commercials deals.

2:05: Man, I know Aaron Rodgers has gotten some shit because he isn’t Brett Favre and the Packers have disappointed this season, but he’s got a shot at 4,000 yards and in the two games against the Lions he has looked like Johnny Unitas combined with Jesus and Moses. I know, I know, it is the Lions, but still.

2:07: Damn it, the Packers have already gotten the ball inside Lions territory. Way to step up defense.

2:08: 3rd and about 2 coming up. The pitch play has worked well for the Packers so far. Oh shit, another drop for the Packers. Finley had his man beat and dropped it. They want a flag but aren’t gonna get it. Will they go for it? No, they’re punting. Pussies. The punt lands inside the ten though so maybe it was a good decision. Nah, they should have gone for it.

2:11: Oh man, Jack Bauer being grilled by Clarence Boddicker.

2:12: Jesus. The Lions can’t even complete a one yard slant. In fact, Orlovsky was almost picked again.

213: 3rd and 2, and Smith picks it up. He’s almost half way to 100 so maybe he’ll get to a thousand after all.

2:13: Quick hitch to Calvin for six yards. Good. Get him the damn ball. Of course, Smith is buried for a loss on the next play. Kampman and Woodson on the blitz put him down as soon as he got the ball.

2:14: 3rd and 8 and YES. Calvin Johnson with the catch and run for 36 yards. He makes it look so easy. 6’5”, 4.3 speed, what a freak.

2:15: Oh man, Marinelli’s record as a head coach: 10-37. Yeah, he deserves one more year. Jesus.

2:16: 3rd and ten. Damn it. Colbert drops one. Good throw by Orlovsky too. Punt is downed at the five. Adam Jennings just kept it from going into the endzone. Otherwise it would have been a touchback and only a 20 yard net punt.

2:18: Greg Jennings finally catches one at the 30. Damn it all.

2:19: Rodgers is flushed out of the pocket, and they call holding. Pretty obvious hold too.

2:20: Two minute warning is here and the Lions are still in it. Come on you bastards.

2:21: Apparently Taco Bell could only afford Darryl Dawkins and Vlade Divac for their commercial. At that point why bother? I mean, what, was Roy Tarpley too expensive?

2:23: Cliff Avril with the sack on 2nd and long. Avril has looked pretty decent as a rookie, so maybe he can be kept from the massacre that needs to happen after the season.

2:24: They stop the Packers and what the fuck? Marinelli doesn’t call a timeout. God damn it, now the Lions get the ball inside the fifteen with 22 seconds left. What the hell? Jesus, what a shitty coach. He should be fired at halftime. Just leave his shit in a box outside the locker room and have security escort him out. Give them a few extra bucks to rough him up while they are at. What an enormous turd. Idiot. BUT HE’S A GOOD MAN AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM. Who cares? Shut up.

2:27: Of for God’s sake, now the Lions have to punt the ball. The Packers used all 3 of their time outs and the Lions only ran 15 seconds off the clock.

2:28: Halftime. 14-7 Packers. At least they are still in it. Oh wait, what the fuck? Oh man, because the Packers signaled a fair kick they get a free kick. It would be a 69 yard field goal. Oh shit, are they actually gonna try this? I guess they are. Oh shit, he almost made it. That would have been ridiculous.

2:41: Oh God, it’s that asshole Frank Caliendo again. Does anyone like him? I mean, anyone at all? He must know it too. I bet he goes home every night and sticks his head in the toilet to try to drown himself.

2:44: So, the Lions had the ball slightly longer than the Packers in the first half but the Packers have almost twice as much yardage. How does that happen?

2:45: Opening kick of the half goes out of bounds so the Lions get the ball at the 40. John Lynch has taken off his shirt and is now in just a tee-shirt flexing his guns. I am completely serious. What the fuck?

2:47: 3rd and 2. Complete to Calvin Johnson for about 6 or 7. First down.

2:48: Kevin Smith with a 20 yard run but there are a shit load of flags on the play. Holding on the Lions. Of course. But it was down field so it’s 1st and 9 instead of 1st and 20.

2:50: Incomplete on a deep ball. Both Calvin Johnson and Al Harris fell down and everyone went crazy. It was uncatchable.

2:51: 3rd and 5 and…incomplete. Shit. They are inside the Packers 40 but they are punting. Pussies. Ball is fair caught at the nine.

2:53: Packers fumble. Fuck yeah! Lions recover, and....awww shit, they are challenging it. Looks like a fumble to me. Dude landed on his head but the ball was coming loose before he hit. YES. Play stands. Lions get the ball 1st and 10 at the 11.

2:55: Calvin Johnson...TOUCHDOWN! YES! We are tied.

3:02: Damn it all. My laptop's battery died, so this might be a little spotty from here on out. I am sorry. I have failed you.

3:03: Shit. The Lions had the Packers stopped but Greg Jennings caught it for 47 yards.

3:04: FIGHT! Some pushing and shoving. No penalties. Ummm, okay.

3:04: 3rd and 10 for the Packers at the Lions 33. Incomplete to Donald Lee.

3:05: 4th and 10 and it looks like they are going for it. YES. Incomplete. NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Ramzee Robinson, you dumb asshole. JESUS CHRIST. That dumb shit just got flagged for a taunting call.

3:07: Oh okay, good. Whew. They said it was post possession so the Lions still get the ball.

3:08: I can't believe we have a shot still. Oh man oh man oh man.

3:09: Ed Hochuli and his guns call holding on the Packers defense on a defensive lineman. Weird. First down Lions.

3:10: First down to Calvin Johnson to the Lions 40. Kevin Smith has carried the ball 25 times already by the way.

3:11: Damn it. John Owens drops one that would have moved the ball into Packers territory.

3:11: 3rd and 8. Orlovsky with a horrible pass, overthrown and almost intercepted. Lions will have to punt. Damn it. Come on you assholes. Punt is a touchback. Man...

3:15: Dudes and lady dudes, this shit is TENSE.

3:15: Damn it. OH WHAT THE FUCK??? Ryan Grant had a twenty yard run and then went down. He got up and ran for a touchdown and the refs said he fell on another dude and was never down. Man, it looked like he was down. Marinelli is challenging it. Good. Fuck, this better come back.

3:17: Hey L.B., the Vikings are losing now, so you' ve still got a shot. If the Bears get into the playoffs, the NFC North will officially be a complete and utter embarrassment this season.

3:19: Oh man, thank you thank you thank you. The play was overturned and the Packers have a first down back at their own 40. I might have caught a boat across Lake Michigan and killed everyone in Wisconsin if that play would have stood.

3:21: Packers fake that toss that has worked so well and throw a slant for a first down inside Lions territory. The Packers are marching and it's not looking so good.

3:22: Grant with a first down inside the 35. Shit.

3:23: Donald Lee with a catch inside the 15,, they are calling it incomplete after the refs talk it over. He was juggling it and the ball came loose when he got hit by Kalvin Pearson.

3:25: 3rd and about 2 for the Packers. Damn it. Rodgers with a five yard pass to James Jones for the first down. End of the third quarter, game is tied, and holy shit, these assholes better pull it together and fast.

3:28: Rodgers gets sacked by Langston Moore. Oh Langston Moore, you are my second favorite Langston.

3:29: Incomplete and Greg Jennings is bitching. Shut up.

3:30: 3rd and 11. Catch by Greg Jennings but he is caught short of the first down by Kalvin Pearson. I'll have to give Pearson credit, he is playing pretty well today.

3:31: Mason Crosby with the field goal. 17-14 Packers.

3:31: Dennis Leary is hawking Fords now. Someone should make him and John Mellencamp fight to the death. Loser gets killed obviously, winner is beaten to death anyway.

3:33: The creepy FOX robot looks depressed again. Poor son of a bitch.

3:34: Come on you assholes.

3:35: This is a two man offense. Kevin Smith runs the ball, Calvin Johnson catches it. No one else does anything.

3:36: Orlovsky overthrows Calvin again. Orlovsky doesn't look very good. Big surprise there.

3:36: 3rd and 7. Ball is tipped, incomplete. Damn it. Punt taken by Will Blackmon who takes it up to his own 47. Shit. This isn't looking good.

3:37: Is it weird to anyone else that Gene Hackman narrates the commercials for Lowes? That is Gene Hackman right? If it isn't, someone is doing a hell of an impression.

3:38: I think there have been roughly a billion American Idol commercials during the game. By the way, I typed this just before another American Idol commercial came on. I knew it was coming.

3:39: Shit. Ryan Grant with a nice run, Ernie Sims gets called for a late hit. Oh man, we are going to lose after all. Again. Aren't we?

3:39: And now Chris Rose is giving John Lynch shit for being a dirty player. A little awkward.

3:41: Packers have a first down inside the twenty and shit's about to get desperate.

3:42: Complete to Greg Jennings. First and goal. Jesus.

3:43: They have to hold them to a field goal here or we are pretty much fucked.

3:43: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Touchdown Packers, 8:30 minutes left, and the Packers are up 24-14. 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16. Here we go.

3:46: This is so depressing.

3:47: Standeford with a juggling catch inside Packers territory. Come on you shitburgers.

3:49: Oh shit, Orlovsky almost gets sacked but manages to find Standeford wide open inside the ten.

3:50: Kevin motherfucking Smith! Touchdown run, and holy shit we've still got a chance. 24-21, Packers.

3:53: They are talking about the Joe Barry thing now, and please just shut up.

3:53: Oh man, L.B., I am sorry. Poor Bears fans. I guess it will be the Vikings who back into the playoffs.

3:54: kxjhvlijsfvkjlns;efbvs;bp;opsbosgbgb[k[gb'[rngn,,dn

3:54: FUCK. Donald Driver with a 71 yard touchdown catch. Hope, you cruel bastard, why must you taunt me? 31-21 Packers with 7 minutes left.

3:56: Shameful. Just a shameful season.

3:57: Man, Calvin Johnson is a beast. He caught a, I dunno, I'll say a six yarder and just dragged everyone for the first down.

3:58: They are dinking and dunking now, but they're gonna run out of time. Come on, come on, come on.

3:59: Orlovsky is too sloppy for this too. Eventually he will make a mistake, like he just did by throwing it behind Calvin Johnson.

4:00: 3rd down, and shit, Jerome Felton with a catch but he's taken down short of the first.

4:01: 4th and 4, and they're going for it. First down catch by Standeford. Where did he come from?

4:01: They are moving it, but there are only 4 and a half minutes left and they are down by ten.

4:02: 3rd and 4 and what the fuck was that? Orlovsky throws a wobbler way over the head of Casey Fitzsimmons out of bounds. Maybe his thumb is bothering him in the cold.

4:03: 4th down and shit, they should kick the field goal and cut the lead to seven now. But they're going for it, and...Calvin Johnson makes the catch at the marker. First down, but he is shaken up. Okay good, now he is walking off under his own power. Time is running out. Under 4 minutes left.

4:04: Screen to Kevin Smith, and...shit, he loses yardage. At least he got out of bounds. There is a flag though. Oh for fuck's sake. Unsportsmanlike conduct on Smith for throwing the ball in the face of a Packer. FUCK.

4:06: 2nd and 29 back at midfield. Incomplete pass to Colbert.

4:06: 3rd and 29. Smith fucked them with that penalty. Damn it.

4:07: Jesus. A one yard pass to Felton. 4th and 28. This is it.

4:08: Sigh. Orlovsky throws it up and is intercepted by Nick Collins who returns it from the goal line down into Lions territory. There is a flag though. Block in the back on the interception return. Big damn deal. Packers get the ball with only a few minutes left. This shit is over.

4:09: Some of the Packers fans are chanting 0-16 now, which is pretty fucking terrible. The Lions deserve it though.

4:10: And now the announcers are talking about the dudes like Jeff Backus who have been there for the whole Matt Millen debacle. This is awful. Just horrible.

4:10: Oh hey, guess what? Apparently Rod Marinelli respects the game and is a good man. Well shit, coach of the year I guess. Get the fuck outta here.

4:11: Deshawn Wynn fumbles and the Lions say they recovered. This is almost cruel.

4:12: Packers have it, and the fans are chanting again. We have suffered enough damn it. Apparently we went 0-16. Thank you gentle Packer fans for that reminder.

4:13: Two minute warning and the Lions are in their final death spasms. It is almost over. This turd, this abomination, of a season is almost finished for us. It has been...something.

4:15: Packers are running the clock out and Jesus I just want this to be over with. Unsportsmanlike penalty on the Packers. Why not?

4:16: Both Deshawn Wynn and Ryan Grant had over 100 yards today. A fitting end by this horror show of a defense.

4:17: The Packers take a knee and the Lions all look depressed. Join the club.

4:18: 0-16.


  1. i am so, so sorry but keep your spirits and think of the '07 dolphins.

  2. I am going to try to think of what happened with the Dolphins and the Falcons this year and hope for the best next year.

  3. You know, speaking of the Dolphins, someone up in the front office needs to be smart and use that #1 draft pick to get Tim Tebow. Keep Orlovsky, have both of them on the field for every play, and have them switch off who is taking the snaps, with Tebow taking them like 60% of the time. Smith can be the power runner, Tebow can take the Ronnie Brown roll and throw short passes sometimes, and Orlovsky can throw the deep ball. Then, if you can get him, bring in Crabtree with the Roy Williams 1st round pick (he'll probably be gone by then, but bear with me here) and put him opposite Johnson in the wideout slot. Use the rest of the draft picks to grab offensive linemen and defensive backs, and you're set.

    Fuck it, call Old Man Ford, I'll GM the SHIT outta this team!

    In all seriousness, I'm really sorry you had to go through this, but just know that you kept a lot of people entertained with your well-written and hilarious blog posts. Hopefully next year will be better. Hell, it can't really get worse, right?